7 things NOT to say to a cancer patient
When we hear that a loved one has cancer, our understandable first instinct can be to rush to comfort this person. Unfortunately, despite our best intentions, the things we say don’t always have the effect we intend them to, and are inadvertently insensitive. Here are some things you should avoid saying to cancer patients.
1. “Let me know what I can do to help”
While the intention is to provide assistance, this kind of vague offer can be confusing, depending on your relationship with the person. They might spend time wondering if it’s too much to ask for you to drive them to an appointment, or whether perhaps your offer was more symbolic. If you actually want to help, try suggesting things you are willing and able to do for this person: “I’ll drop in with a cooked meal on Tuesday evenings so you have one less night to worry about dinner”; or, “I’m happy to come and lend a hand with cleaning the house. I can be there on Saturday mornings if that works for you.”
2. “I knew someone who…”
Trying to relate the story of someone you know/once knew to the person currently going through their own struggle is probably not as helpful as you intend it to be.
3. “How are you?”
This simple question is asked countless times every day. But with cancer patients, it can take on a new meaning, especially when well-meaning friends and relatives press for answers. Your question could send this person into a state of confusion, wondering how much to share with you, how much you can handle, and if you really want to know. Instead of posing it as a question that demands an answer, try phrasing it in a looser way, “Do you want to talk about how you’re feeling, or would you prefer to talk about something else?”
4. “You’re lucky it’s …”
There’s nothing lucky about cancer, really, and to phrase things in that way can diminish what someone is going through.
5. “You have to stay positive”
This person doesn’t have to do anything, and reminders that they must stay positive can make them feel badly for not feeling good about what’s to come. If things don’t go as well as hoped, is it because they didn’t stay positive? Not likely, but it might make them feel like it is.
6. “I’m so sad for you”
Don’t pile on to your friend by sharing how emotional you are about their cancer diagnosis. Despite your best intentions and empathy, your sympathy can make them feel worse – to know that you are looking at them with pity.
7. “I understand what you’re going through”
It’s unlikely that you understand all of the emotions this person is having. Even if you do, it’s not likely to be helpful to them. Invite them to tell you about their feelings instead, and be willing to silently listen, support, and engage when required.
Have you experienced cancer in your life? What would you advise others not to say to cancer patients?