Why is talking about death still so taboo?
Deb Rawlings is a Lecturer in Palliative Care and Supportive Services at Flinders University and Research Fellow at CareSearch, the palliative care knowledge network.
There once was a time when we were more open about death and about dying. I recently read a piece from the BBC where they were talking about traditions in Victorian England when someone died. They showed ‘death photographs’, whereby the person who has died was included in a family photograph or locks of their hair were made into jewellery. This was a way of remembering forever a family member, often a child who didn’t survive to adulthood. I also saw online that in some countries such as parts of Indonesia, family members who have died are kept at home, often for years afterwards, although this is still happening today, and is a long-held tradition that continues to have a place in their society.
These days, particularly in western cultures, we are more likely to die in hospital and there are many people who get well into their adult years without ever seeing anyone die or having seen a dead body. In the past it was also more common to die at home, for the family to dress the body after death, and for the wake (complete with the person in their coffin) be held at the home. It was often a celebration. As a palliative care nurse for many years I only saw this happen once, when a young father’s body was displayed at home in his coffin – his children were there and were answering the door with “mum’s in the kitchen and dad’s in the lounge”. This was an unusual occurrence at the time and was the subject of conversation at work for some time.
Funerals have also changed and are continuing to change as we speak. With a rather traditional English upbringing I have only ever been to a funeral in a church and with a formal ceremony and ‘proper’ coffin. All bets are off nowadays though and for many people a funeral is a way for them to leave their mark. There are cardboard coffins that can be decorated or urns for ashes that are biodegradable. Alternatives to burial are also available, such as composting – this is now not only for your garden, but maybe for yourself. Going back to everlasting memories such as jewellery, you can now have cremated remains put into bullets to be fired from a gun or put into ink for a tattoo. Not sure about either of those myself but to each to his own.
Funerals are one type of ritual or a way of memorialising someone who has died. Again very open public mourning was commonplace many years ago. At the funeral of Winston Churchill in London in 1965 his coffin was carried down the River Thames and many thousands watched. I remember seeing it on the television with my mum and that memory has stayed with me. Overseas you will often find mourners waiting for hours, days even to see the body of a leader who has died, but in the western world it seems to me that the death of Princess Diana brought with it a more open acknowledgement of death and of grief and loss. We also now commonly see roadside memorials when someone has died in a crash and memorialisation on Facebook where sites are set up after someone has died. Grieving via social media is a more recent phenomenon especially if it is someone famous – think of David Bowie, Ronnie Corbett, Muhammed Ali just to name a few. These people have often had a major influence on our lives, and we feel a part of the great loss that their dying means to the world. For those of us who aren’t famous, we may be remembered more privately or more conservatively than these public figures, but hopefully our family and friends will find out about our death before it is announced on Facebook
We are exploring some of these issues in a new free online course called Dying2Learn and anyone can participate. It is free and runs for 4 to 5 weeks, starting on June 27. It will be a fascinating exploration of social, cultural and technological aspects of death and dying. You can find out more about Dying2Learn and also register your interest in enrolling on our website here.
Related links:
How to talk to loved ones about a serious illness diagnosis
10 beautiful quotes about grieving
“Human rooms” to revolutionise hospice care