Hate ‘can we talk’ texts? Here’s how to deal with it
Do messages from a friend or partner asking “can we talk?” leave you feeling anxious? You’re not the only one.
Certain styles of communication can leave us feeling anxious or prompt catastrophizing - when you worry about the worst things that could arise from a situation - even if the other person had only good intentions.
Psychologist Vi-An Le Nguyen says the reason why these vague ways of communicating can be anxiety-inducing is because “the [recipient] hasn’t been taken on the journey”.
When someone receives a message like “can we talk” or a missed call with a message asking to return it, Ms Le Nguyen says “a lot of pre-work has happened … and the recipient would just not be aware of the thinking that’s gone into it”.
“Someone without anxiety would likely be slightly worried by [communication] like that but for someone with anxiety, they think about all the worst possible scenarios and outcomes and [become] consumed and overwhelmed by those possibilities,” psychologist Phoebe Lee agrees.
“Anxious people often also have hesitant or ambivalent feelings towards change. [And] out-of-the-blue [communication] is often a sign that maybe something’s going to change,” Ms Le Nguyen adds.
Tips to manage it
If a message or random call has left you feeling anxious, Dr Lau says you could try asking the person it came from if there is anything you need to know or prepare for before you talk to or see them.
You can ask whether it’s an emergency or not, but Dr Lau cautions seeking too much reassurance as “that can be a part of reinforcing anxiety”.
“Nobody is responsible for managing another person’s anxiety,” psychologist Sarah Ashton says.
“Having said that, we can ask for support and care from those around us - it’s just important that it’s framed in that way.”
As well as seeking support from others around you, Dr Lau and Dr Ashton stress that it’s important to do work to understand and manage your anxiety.
“[We often see people] with anxiety think that if the other person would just be extra communicative and always respond on time, or give explanations, [that] would be the solution,” Dr Ashton says.
“The solution to your anxiety is you learning to understand and manage it [so you can] regulate yourself in times where there is uncertainty, which is part of life.”
If you do want to change up your communication style to reduce the worry of others - with or without anxiety - Dr Ashton recommends considering the timing of your texts, calls, or emails, and thinking about how the words you use could be received.
If you need to talk about something bad, Ms Le Nguyen has a few tips too. In the context of friendships and relationships, she recommends framing what you want to say in terms of your feelings.
“You could say, ‘I’ve been feeling this, can we talk about it?’”
In a workplace context, you might need to adjust your language to be more concise and formal.
“Give as much signalling as you can upfront. You could say [for example], ‘Can you let me know when you’re free to talk about your performance for the next quarter?’” Ms Le Nguyen suggests.
“Be honest, but specific so the person knows what’s to come.”