Is this the cause of most people's unhappiness?
Expectations shape our experience of the world. They may also be to blame for an unhappy life.
In a new blog, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, author Travis Bradberry says that "almost everyone who is unhappy is unhappy for the same reason".
Bradberry cites the famous Harvard Pygmalion study from the '60s which explored the "expectancy effect".
In the study, teachers were told that certain random students were exceptionally bright and likely to "realise their potential" in the end-of-year tests.
"What the teachers didn't know is that students were placed on these lists completely at random," the study's authors wrote. "There was no difference between these students and other students."
The results from the end-of-year exams, however, demonstrated a "powerful self-fulfilling prophecy". The teacher's belief in those "special" students begets better performance.
"Students believed to be on the verge of great academic success performed in accordance with these expectations; students not labelled this way did not," the researchers said.
Not only do we bring out the best in others when we have positive expectations of them, we tend to treat them better, give them more opportunities and more constructive feedback, Bradberry says.
Separate research has found that students with positive expectations of their own abilities use more metacognition than students without self-belief.
"Metacognition is especially important for achievement as it ensures that you approach problems from many different angles and adapt your approach as needed," Bradberry explains.
There are also the nocebo and placebo effects: patients are more likely to experience negative symptoms when they expect them while patients are more likely to experience improvements in symptoms if they have positive expectations.
"Your expectations shape your reality," Bradberry reiterates. "They can change your life, emotionally and physically. You need to be extra careful about (and aware of) the expectations you harbour as the wrong ones make life unnecessarily difficult."
Ones that make life unnecessarily difficult, are not necessarily negative, they are just unreasonable.
Life should be fair
Accepting that life is not always fair stops us from sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves about it.
"Sometimes there isn't any consolation prize, and the sooner you stop expecting there to be, the sooner you can take actions that will actually make a difference," Bradberry advises.
Opportunities will fall into my lap
This expectation breeds a sense of entitlement that is ultimately disempowering.
"If we limit ourselves to what's given to us, we are at the mercy of other people," Bradberry says. "When you take action, think 'what steps do I need to take?' 'what obstacles are in my way and what do I need to do to remove them?' and 'what mistakes am I making that take me away from my goals rather than toward them?'"
Everyone should like me
Even if we're completely decent and likeable, we can't please everyone and someone is always going to dislike us or find fault.
"When you think that everyone should like you, you end up with hurt feelings when you shouldn't (you can't win them all)," Bradberry says. "Instead of expecting that people will like you, focus on earning their trust and respect."
Once we drop that expectation, we can also give of ourselves in a more genuine way.
"The most compassionate form of giving is done with no thought or expectation of reward, and grounded in genuine concern for others," the Dalai Lama has said.
Things will make me happy
Cameron Diaz said it: "Fulfillment comes from within you, by being authentic to yourself – not chasing fame."
Nor chasing things.
External things, nice as they can be, will not, and can never create inner fulfillment.
"If you don't fix what's going on inside, no external event or item is going to make you happy, no matter how much you want it to," Bradberry says.
People understand me and should agree with me
Perspectives are based on our own experiences and agendas, so even if people understand us, expecting that they should agree with us likely to lead to disappointment.
As for understanding us, Bradberry explains that we often leave important bits of information out because we understand or decide it's not important.
"Communication isn't anything if it isn't clear, and your communication won't be clear until you take the time to understand the other person's perspective."
I can change him/her
Often when we want to fix what's going on inside we look outwards at someone else. If we can change/fix them, perhaps we can change the way we feel inside.
It's the wrong order and bound to create unhappiness, Bradberry warns.
"There's only one person in this world you can truly change – yourself – and even that takes a tremendous amount of effort. The only way that people change is through the desire and wherewithal to change themselves," he says. "Let go of this faulty expectation."
If you've made positive changes in yourself and someone else is still causing you grief, you're better off letting them go than focussing your fix-it skills on them.
"Build your life around genuine, positive people, and avoid problematic people that bring you down."
Shaking the expectations that lead to unhappiness
Better than being overly positive or negative, is giving everything our best, without weighing it down.
"If you fail, accept that sometimes you'll fail and sometimes you'll succeed, but if you pursue an endeavour, believe with all your being that you're going to succeed in that endeavour," Bradberry suggests, adding it's a matter of managing expectations, rather than removing them altogether.
"Believing that you'll succeed really does make it more likely that you will. It also means that you'll need to let go of some erroneous expectations that will only get in your way."
Written by Sarah Berry. Appeared on Stuff.co.nz.
Related links:
The simple trick to boost your mood in minutes
Self-affirmation can help us kick bad habits
6 natural ways to improve your memory