10 lessons in lasting happiness from a psychologist
Dr Anthony Gunn is a psychologist who specialises in treating fears and phobias.
Can we really become happier or is happiness determined by our genes? Researchers have found that 50 per cent of our happiness is determined by genes and only 10 per cent by what happens to us in our lives. Amazingly, this means 40 per cent of our happiness is within our control. In spite of what you have inherited or what tragedies you have experienced in life, there are things you can do to increase your happiness. Continue reading to learn the lessons of lasting happiness.
“The basic root of happiness lies in our minds; outer circumstances are nothing more than adverse or favourable.” – Matthieu Ricard
1. Need versus want
Most of us in developed countries have all our basic needs met: food, shelter, hygiene, safety and education. So we have to rely on wants to make us happy, such as wanting a new car, new lounge, bigger TV, newer phone. Sadly, our wants will never make us happy in the long term because we don’t need them to survive. Tap back into your basic needs. For example:
- Thirst: Do a physical challenge that causes you to develop a real thirst, and notice how good a drink of water tastes.
- Safety: Feel a buzz of exhilaration by taking a small risk, such as doing a difficult water activity or holding a tame snake at a zoo.
- Warmth: Have a cold shower in cold weather and then focus on getting warm.
Happiness is appreciating the things we most need.
2. Habituation, the villain of happiness
Do you like chocolate? The first piece of chocolate will taste great, yet each subsequent piece will offer decreasing pleasure. Why? It’s because we get used to things; in psychology, this is called habituation. You think you’ll be happy once you get that new car, renovated kitchen, polished floorboards or whatever, but the happiness won’t last long because the novelty wears off. The result is that you need to buy another new object to try to increase your happiness again. Before buying a new non-essential object, ask yourself how long it will keep you happy.
“An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit.” – Pliny the Younger
3. Flexibly happy
A key feature of many types of mental health issues is that the suffering person is inflexible to change. Change is all around us. Simply by reading this book you will have changed. Instead of trying to fight the inevitable, embrace change – one of the keys to happiness. Change doesn’t have to be negative; it can offer variety, novelty, surprise and excitement. Try making small changes in your life: try a new fashion, rearrange the furniture in your home or office, try a new food, or skip for the fun of it. Once you get used to making small changes, bigger ones will seem possible. Go on, embrace change and become flexibly happy!
“The key to sustained happiness, health, and longevity is flexibility.”– Ev Durán
4. Count Your Blessings
Researchers have found that regularly counting your blessings increases happiness. Try the experiment researchers used: for one week, set aside ten minutes each night before you go to bed to write down three things that went well that day. You have to physically write it down on paper or type it on your computer, instead of just doing the exercise in your head. Next to each positive event in your list, answer the question, “Why did this good thing happen?’ The researchers found that not only did this make people happier, but the benefits lasted for six months. Give it a go!
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Dr Seuss
5. Get off the worry wheel
Worry is a happiness killer. Do you often keep going over problems in your mind that you can’t solve? This is known as rumination. Whether you’re worrying about what people think, financial issues, or the wellbeing of family members, ruminating on problems will risk happiness.
What’s worse is that it often feels good, like we are fixing the problem, but this is a trap. Rumination is similar to a hamster on a wheel: you put in lots of work but go nowhere. Break the wheel of worry through action. What can you physically do about the problem? If everything has been done, then distract yourself from the problem by doing activities that bring enjoyment. Starting today, what can you do to get off the worry-wheel?
6. Success doesn’t equal happiness
A common way of thinking is that success amounts to happiness. For example, if a person works harder, then they’ll be more successful, and if they become more successful, they’ll be happier. The problem with this logic is that every time you succeed you have to change the goalposts. It is often said that actors, athletes or business people are only as good as their last performance. Maybe you did well in your last test, but now have an expectation to maintain this high level. Maybe your sales targets were reached, but then were increased to keep pushing you. Success is one measure of our achievements, but it’s also a dangerous illusion if you believe it’s the only gauge of happiness. Does what you do truly make you happy? If yes, then you are a success. If no, then it may be time to re-evaluate your goals.
7. Drown-proofing Fear
Imagine having your ankles bound and your hands tied behind your back before being thrown into a swimming pool. Sounds horrific! This is what soldiers seeking to qualify for the elite US Navy Seals are forced to go through. The logic is that it teaches soldiers to overcome their initial panic and discover that they can indeed swim when bound. I use this example not so you’ll try this, but to show what can be achieved once fear is controlled. We humans are far more resilient than we often give ourselves credit for. We can’t get rid of fear, but we can learn to embrace it. A fear that controls you will also control your happiness. What small fear can you embrace and master?
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” – Joseph Campbell
8. Question your judgments
Try this brainteaser: a bat and ball cost $1.10. The bat costs $1 more than the ball. How much is the ball? If you said the ball costs 10 cents, you have fallen into a common trap that also catches many top university students. If the ball was 10 cents then the bat (to be worth $1 more than the ball) would have to cost $1.10, and this totals $1.20. The correct answer is the ball would cost 5 cents (5 cents + $1.05 = $1.10).
The reason we make this common mistake is that our brains look for the easiest option and then latch on to it as a way of saving time and energy. The next time you make a quick negative judgement about either another person or yourself, pause. Often happiness is found when we are prepared to accept that our opinions may not be correct, especially opinions about what we think we can’t do.
9. Be aware of the “I used to…” syndrome
You’ve probably heard fit and able people say things such as:
- I used to go fishing.
- I used to go camping.
- I used to go dancing.
- I used to exercise.
- I used to socialise more.
If a person still wants and is physically able to do an activity that previously gave them enjoyment, but chooses not to, then it’s time for concern. The moment a person uses the words “I used to”, they have an under-investment in their physical and emotional wellbeing. If you find yourself using the “I used to” statement, stop and take stock of your life because it’s likely you’re putting your own needs way down the priority list. Make happiness a priority by replacing I used to with I will.
10. Pay your social debts
I’m not talking about being in debt with financial institutions, but rather being in debt with people you know. The discomfort of feeling indebted to others can be a drain on happiness. Have you been helped by someone you know, but not returned the favour? Maybe they babysat your kids or gave you a lift. It’s important to return the favour where possible: offer to mind their kids or reciprocate hospitality. If you can’t repay the debt in this way, then consider giving a small gift. Remember, it doesn’t matter what the gift is. What’s important is that you acknowledge their help, to show you aren’t taking them for granted. Have you paid all your social debts?
“Debts are like children: the smaller they are the more noise they make.” – Spanish proverb
Related links:
Overcoming pain using the power of the mind
The 4 tricks guaranteed to make you a morning person
5 extraordinarily simple ways to be happy