Tips on being a fair mother-in-law and grandmother
Being a fair mother-in-law can be tricky business. It’s a high stakes game where one false move can cause long lasting and far reaching ripples. The role of the mother-in-law is an important one, however, as it helps foster healthy family dynamics as well as impact you as a grandmother.
Mother-in-law relationships come in two varieties: Mother-in-law/daughter-in-law, in which the biological child is a son, and mother-in-law/son-in-law, in which the biological child is a daughter. According to research recently published in Time magazine, the combination of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is responsible for most of troubled relationships. It was reported that 60 per cent of daughters-in-law reported stressful relationships with their mothers-in-law, as opposed to only 15 per cent of sons-in-law.
The reason behind the stress so commonly reported in mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships is due to the inherent tension that can come from women who are the “primary female” in their respective families. Despite parenting being very different now than it was a few decades ago, childcare is still the primary responsibility of the woman in many families making it a hot button topic and one fraught with opportunities for criticism, either meant or unwittingly implied.
The best way to keep the peace? Avoid the following:
- Criticism! Don’t be critical either directly, in-directly or “in secret”.
- Leave possession at the door. Some conflict can arise from the fact that the daughter-in-law is now the most important woman in the son’s life, where as before it was his mother. Mothers should never, ever ask or expect their son to choose between her his wife. It can never end well for all involved.
- Be helpful but not too helpful. A fair mother-in-law can be a complete gem, helping with childcare, cooking, cleaning even groceries. But while these activities are often gratefully received, always ensure you’re not overstepping the mark. Your daughter-in-law may actually enjoy the chance to pop to the shops without the kids, instead of delivering groceries, offer to take the kids so she can get out unencumbered for an hour.
- Always, always respect boundaries.
How do you foster a positive relationship with your daughter or son-in-law? Share your tips with us in the comments below.
Related links:
Is it ever okay for children to lie?
5 reasons why it’s important to let kids loose in the kitchen
Expert advice for coping with estranged adult children