Tips to repair a distant grandparent-grandchild relationship
Whether it’s due to internal or external issues, more and more grandparents are finding themselves as “sometimes visitors” in the lives of their grandchildren. This may be far from the vision they had of themselves as a “nanna” or “pop” and for many it is a source of great sadness and frustration. Sadness due to missing out on such an important and wonderful time in the lives of their grandchildren and frustration at perhaps not knowing how to change the way things currently sit.
The good news? It doesn’t have to be the way it is. Whether you’re a new nanna or old hand at the grand parenting game, you can improve your state of mind and bridge the distance to your grandchildren by taking two important steps.
1. Adjust your expectations
It’s very normal to have an idea of the kind of grandparent you’re going to be when your long awaited grandchild arrives. The problem sometimes arises when your expectations of your role and your child’s expectations differ. Welcoming a new baby can be an eye opening and mind-blowing experience for the new parents and where you sit in the family hierarchy is potentially the last thing on their mind. The key is working towards creating a grandparent-grandchild relationship that everyone is happy with. Instead of grandparenting on your own terms, ask parents how they see your role and work with that. You’re not standing alone in your role as grandparents, instead you are part of a wider network of caregivers that all need to work together to meet the different needs of the child you all love and want the best for.
2. Mum’s the word
While dad plays a role, more often than not, the gatekeeper of the grandparent-grandchild relationship is mum. Regardless of how your relationship with your daughter in law was before baby, you’ll need to either repair, rejuvenate or completely re-invent it if you want to play a role in your grandchild’s life. The best way to warm your MIL-DIL relationship? Show interest in her as a person, and not just as the mother of your grandchild. Be interested in her, and what her day is like, even if you sometimes struggle to find middle ground. Find one thing and focus and build the relationship on that. In addition, you examine your own behaviour. It is very unlikely that your DIL is prickly towards you for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Perhaps she is misinterpreting your well-meaning child rearing advice as meaning you disapprove of her parenting. Whatever it is, when you pinpoint a possible trigger, quietly change your ways.
The most important thing to remember? Don’t give up! It can be easy to give up and throw up their hands in the air. Keep trying! You might just have to try different things. Because when it comes to your grandchildren, communication is a lifelong effort.
Related links:
How to cope with a jealous pet when grandkids come along
What great grandparents have in common
5 non-screen ways to entertain the grandkids at home