Why grandparents are extremely vital to grandkids lives
The once popular perception of grandparents as frail, kindly old people sitting in rocking chairs is now more or less obsolete. Improved health outcomes and increased life expectancy mean that grandparents now spend more time caring for and engaging with their grandchildren than ever before.
With increasing numbers of children living in families where both parents work, many grandparents have become an important source of child care and general support.
The benefits of grandparents and grandchildren spending time together are many. Dr Julie Green, Executive Director of the Raising Children Network, reports that "Children with a warm, loving relationship with their grandparents are more likely to be resilient, have higher self-esteem and cope better with the challenges of life."
Grandchildren report that their grandparents provide a link to the past; they are role models, nurturers, listeners and a support network in times of family disharmony.
While grandparents report an increased sense of wellbeing, feelings of being part of a family and broader society and an improved social life through their connections with their grandchildren. Grandparents also play an important role in helping parents to manage stress associated with juggling work and family commitments.
Increased involvement in the lives of their grandchildren comes with the expectation that grandparents will maintain a relationship that is consistent with the parenting practices of their adult children. But this can be challenging for some grandparents.
A recent study in the Journal of Family Studies found that many grandparents felt they were constantly negotiating between 'being there' for their grandchildren and 'interfering' by offering advice where it wasn't requested or overstepping the mark when it came to parental authority.
Dr Tania Trapolini, a clinical psychologist at the Children's Psychology Clinic, explains that children thrive on consistency and consistency between parents and other care givers is crucial to their development. "Children learn about the world and how to relate to those around them through their everyday interactions with their parents and other important caregivers, such as grandparents. Consistency in interactions and parenting practices helps them to feel a sense of security and stability because they understand what is expected of them and know how their needs, including boundaries and their need for comfort when they are upset, will be met."
Dr Trapolini added that behavioural problems could result from a lack of consistency "Mixed messages can be confusing for children. Inconsistency contributes to challenging behaviours in children as they will 'try things on' with different carers and push boundaries because they don't know what the outcomes might be."
Dr Trapolini acknowledges that it is not always easy to communicate about parenting "It can be difficult for adult children to confront their own parents or in-laws about feeling undermined or invalidated because there can be tricky dynamics at play that can be triggering for some individuals."
She recommends that parents take a collaborative approach: "Involve grandparents and brainstorm with them about how to manage certain behaviours. Maintain open communication about the parenting practices that are really important to you and what behaviours you might be working on and how."
"Consistency is not only important for children, it ultimately helps the whole family. It helps parents to feel respected, empowered and validated in their parenting decisions and practices and if a collaborative approach is taken, grandparents can feel involved and valued."
Dr Green recommends that grandparents give their adult children time to develop their own parenting style and to realise that parents and grandparents are both constantly learning how to fulfil their roles as carers and that there is no one size fits all when in comes to parenting.
"Adult children may parent in a similar way to their parents or very differently and it is important for grandparents to give their own children space to develop their own parenting style and gain confidence," she said.
Dr Green believes that it is helpful for grandparents to give thought to what sort of grandparents they want to be and to communicate this from the outset. "It helps to be open and clear about how much you want to do as a grandparent. This helps everyone involved to understand where the boundaries are."
She also believes that it takes time and "some trial and error" to learn about giving help and advice to adult children. She also recommends compliments, "If you think your children are doing a good job, let them know. It builds confidence and opens up a conversation."
Dr Green also hopes that grandparents view the time they share with their grandchildren as much more than child care. “It is a chance for grandparents to have input into their grandchild's development; a chance to have one on one time to tell stories and do enjoyable things together that adds to a child's healthy development."
Written by Sussana Smith. Appeared on Stuff.co.nz.
Related links:
Top 10 life lessons kids learn from grandparents
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The 10 “types” of grandparents