40 funny marriage quotes that might actually be true
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”— Mae West
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”— Ogden Nash
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”— John Wilmot
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”— Cameron Esposito
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”— Dorothy Parker
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”— Groucho Marx
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”— Katherine Hepburn
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”— Agatha Christie
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”— Socrates
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”— Michelle Obama
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”— Benjamin Franklin
“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”— Will Ferrell
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”— Joyce Brothers
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”— Elbert Hubbard
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”— Anonymous
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”— Rita Rudner
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”— Eddie Cantor
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”— Stephanie Ortiz
“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.”— Dax Shepard
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”— Kristen Bell
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”— Conan O’Brien
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”― Helen Rowland
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”— Dr Joyce Brothers
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”— Dennis Miller
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?” — Janet Periat
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.” — Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” — Kathy Mohnke
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” — Lily Tomlin
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” — Jean Illsley Clarke
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” — Lee Judge
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.” — George Bernard Shaw
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner — just so they can have the last word.” — Janet Periat
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.” — Richard Pryor
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” — Wendy Liebman
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.” — Rory Elder
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” — Mickey Rooney
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” — Richard Lewis
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.” — Unknown
Written by Beth Dreher and Emma Taubenfeld. This article first appeared on Reader’s Digest. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, here’s our best subscription offer.