4 bad habits that will destroy your relationship
You’d think it would be the big issues that drive a wedge between couples, but relationship counsellors say it’s the accumulation of little things over time, not the big things, which ultimately destroy love. These are those bad habits that relationship experts see time and time again that slowly, but surely, erode the trust and love in relationships.
1. Being right all the time
Do you have a ready-made excuse whenever your spouse or partner pulls you up for something? You know when they’re angry that you haven’t cleaned the kitchen even though you said you would and you defensively claim that: “I was just about to clear it up.” It tends to go both ways though and most likely stems from a feeling of shame and discomfort. We don’t want to admit we made a mistake so we cover up and claim that we are right.
Break the habit: Apologise when you’ve slipped up. You don’t need to offer reasons why – it usually just sounds like an excuse for bad behaviour. Simply acknowledge that you have made a mistake and offer a simple apology like: “Sorry that I left the kitchen a mess.”
2. Zoning out
When your partner speaks, are you really listening? Or are you watching TV or reading the paper? Do you actually listen or are you just offering tokenistic nods? You might tell yourself, “we have the whole day together so we can speak later” or “this football game is getting exciting” but not paying attention is giving your partner a clear message: “I’m just not that interested in you or what you’re saying” and “Other things are more important than you.” Imagine how that builds up over time.
Break the habit: Always be in the same room when you speak to one another. It sounds easy but surprisingly, we often shout from upstairs or from the door as oppose to going in and making eye contact with the person we want to speak too. This simple step will make each other feel truly heard.
3. Tip-toeing around your partner
You just want to keep the peace so you give in to their demands. You don’t want to have to deal with their annoyance or anger so let’s just pretend everything is ok. It’s not even big issues that people tend to do this but those petty small ones like one person wants the dishes cleaned the minute after dinner or slurps their tea loudly while watching TV. Nobody likes arguments and there’s probably a few small annoyances that don’t require a discussion but feeling that you can’t bring up a topic or needing to tip-toe around your partner isn’t good for a relationship. When you start shutting down what is perceived as negativity then you tend to shut down other feelings, even positive ones like love.
Break the habit: When something irks you happens, tell your partner it irritates you. If slurping tea bothers you, simply say: “Would you mind drinking your tea more quietly?” Test the waters, build confidence and then tackle bigger issues.
4. Keeping score
Nobody really admits to this but most couples, even happily married ones, do tend to have some type of score card in their head. It’s not necessarily an actual score but a general feeling of “I do X for you; I bring X to the relationship, but what thanks do I get?” We know how we feel and we know our position so well, it makes us think we’re certainly right but that assumption automatically assumes our partner is in the wrong.
Break the habit: Use this exercise that is recommended in relationship counselling. Each person makes a list of everything they do and swap it over. It’s often a sobering read as most couples underestimate what the other does for them and the relationship. Aim to take one problem off each other’s list and begin working as a team again.
Related links:
14 secrets of couples who stay together forever
The two reasons people are unfaithful
Helen Mirren encourages everyone to marry later in life