How to be friends with an ex after divorce
Divorce. It’s the word that can strike fear and upset in the heart of anyone who’s experienced the trauma and heartache inherent in the breakdown of a relationship. We often hear the horror stories surrounding divorce, the litigations, accusations and general anger-fuelled bitterness but less often hear about the couples that have made a peaceful co-existence work for them and their families. Unless your relationship with your soon-to-be-ex partner is a dangerous proposition and you really do need to cut ties for safety reasons, you can work – slowly – toward a friendship or at least a civil co-existence.
Why bother? If you think about your relationship, you’ll no doubt realise just how many of your adult years have been spent with your soon-to-be ex partner. By cutting that person completely out of your life, you risk losing a lot of memories of the good times shared together. Here are six ways to broker a calm and respectful relationship with your ex partner.
1. Mediate before you litigate
Mediation is often an overlooked part of divorce proceedings. Many of the nasty feelings arise from hiring solicitors who immediately start advocating for you, against your spouse. Mediation can sometimes eliminate a lot of issues before they occur.
2. Give it time
Expecting or wanting friendship straight away isn’t always realistic. Very few newly divorced couples are in a space where they can be platonically close. Give it time and allow yourself to grieve and face your feelings front on before attempting to start fresh.
3. Leave the past in the past
It’s very easy to fall into the habit of regularly re-hashing and venting about the past, especially about past wrongs that may have occurred. All this does however is keep you trapped in a cycle of memories and bitterness. Try to be mindful of staying in the present and realising that recycling old memories serves no one.
4. Remember the good
Regardless of how your relationship ended, chances are good that there were some wonderful parts. Try and hold onto these.
5. Accept that it is what it is
Unless infidelity or similar is the cause, there’s likely to be a number of reasons why your relationship broke down. These same character attributes or behaviours aren’t just going to disappear but they are no longer anything to do with you. It doesn’t matter that he is a shameless flirt or that she is financially irresponsible because it’s not your problem anymore. Let it go and move forward.
6. Set boundaries
Your ex is not the person to meet your emotional or physical needs. It’s important to look to or find new connections and relationships so that you can rely on new people to meet these needs.
Related links:
Expert tips to get back into dating after 60
13 steps to recover from betrayal