Why sex and intimacy diminish after 60 (and what to do about)
Bettina Arndt, former sex therapist and current online dating coach, explains how sex and intimacy change for couples after 60 and offers her tips on how to bring the spice back into the bedroom.
Alex Comfort, the author of The Joy of Sex once said the things that stop you from having sex in old age are the same things that stop you from riding a bicycle: bad health, thinking it’s silly and no bicycle.
These days most of us have got over the idea that sex in old age is silly – it is now accepted that many people enjoy lovemaking through to their final years. But there are still many problems with bicycles – many older women find themselves without one, when they lose their partners. But health problems are one of the major passion-killers, as they underlie many men’s erection problems and also contribute to women experiencing painful intercourse. Although bad health does impose limitations, we find a way around these when it really matters so lovemaking should be a similar priority.
Another common issue is couple’s with mix-matched sex drives. It’s very easy for a woman with low desire – or indeed for a man in the same situation – to dismiss the problem as unimportant. Yet for the partner still craving physical intimacy it is degrading to have to beg for sex or live with constant sexual rejection. This is not a trivial issue and many marriages break up because of the lack of physical intimacy. So the first step is to acknowledge the problem is real and to talk openly about it. It can help to read a book like The Sex Diaries which is based on diaries from 98 couples showing how they deal with mismatched desire problems.
There’s a lot couples can do to introduce new ideas to spark up a sexual relationship. It’s about creating sexual tension: write him an email describing what you plan to do for him later that day; send each other sexual messages; buy a bottle of lubricant and send him a photo of it with a cryptic message – “Tonight?” Plan a weekend away somewhere where there’s a spa bath you can enjoy together (take lots of tiny candles to create the right flattering lighting).
Related links:
7 reasons to have more sex after 60