Why we stay in bad relationships
Janice Killey, principal psychologist at Life Resolutions Kogarah in New South Wales, writes for Over60 about why people stay in bad relationships and how to move forward to create a healthy and happy partnership.
What does every good relationship have, what happens when it turns sour and negative habits creep in, and what can you do to move forward?
A healthy relationship requires good communication, respect, and plenty of good habits exhibited by both parties. If you haven’t the first two attributes the positive good habits can be replaced by negative bad habits which further erode the relationship.
So why do relationships continue to exist in this subversive manner rather than addressing the issues or finishing the relationship?
The reasons couples stay together when their relationship has become toxic include the fear of loneliness, the worry of not finding someone else, guilt, you feel sorry for the other person, thinking you have invested too much time in the relationship. Other justifications include, “I’m too old, I don’t think it’s worth it”, financial security, regret of spending your time with the wrong person, hope that things will change.
The individuals stay together, begrudgingly tolerating each other, not addressing the issues but as a defence develop bad habits consciously or subconsciously to hurt them self, their partner, their relationship, and quite possibly those around them. This negative behaviour helps them avoid the underlying issues that are surrounding their relationship problems.
Moving forward
If you can work together to weed out the negative issues and habits that is the most direct answer. Be careful of taking advice from well-meaning friends and family. Most people benefit from working with an independent, professional psychologist or counsellor. Couples come to therapy to work on their communication skills, to reignite respect for one another, identify bad habits and replace them with good habits.
At Life Resolutions Kogarah we find many couples in relationship counselling also need one on one counselling to work on personal issues that maybe affecting the relationship.
This could be an individual’s past family history or relationships, cultural differences, jealousy, anger issues, not dealing with job loss and/or retirement anxieties, traumas, substance abuse, or maybe some longstanding undefined personality issue. One on one therapy can be undertaken by the same psychologist working with the couple or another psychologist as this therapy remains confidential unless the individual wants to discuss it with their partner.
Sometimes after counselling some couples find that they are two incompatible people and seek to move forward separately.
Some tips to help you create a healthier relationship:
- Show gratitude and pay attention to that person by your side.
- Communicate with respect
- Listen to and stop blaming one another.
- Clarify miscommunications and misunderstandings.
- Identify and validate your partner’s feelings. Sometimes the simplest solution is to just stop and listen to what your partner is saying. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how he or she could be feeling that way or seeing things in that light.
- Act in more kind and loving ways to one another.
- Communicate the idea that feelings can change and be affected by actions.
- If needed seek help from a trained psychologist or counsellor who has had relationship training that can work with you on all of the above.
To sum up, healthy relationships require good communication, respect for one another, and plenty of positive relationship habits.
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