The word that makes or breaks relationships
Researchers, poets, musicians and us mere mortals have prophesied about love, lust, life and how to sustain a relationship. Plenty has been written about compromise, open communication, “me” time, “couple” time and the rest but the language of love, or more accurately, the language that helps sustain love is a constantly evolving science.
A series of experiments carried out in the 90s by psychologists Sandra Murray and John Holmes have recently been highlighted due to their findings. The experiments explored what separated happy, long-term committed couples from their unhappy, often on the verge of separating counterparts. One of their experiments involved interviewing the couples about their partner’s positive and negative attributes and noting the language used. The most important difference came down to one word – “but”. Use of the word “but” helped reduce the negative effect of their partner's alleged faults and keep the relationship on an even keel.
More recent research by John and Julie Gottman has also found the ability to remember our partner's virtues even while considering their faults is an imperative quality. In their 40 years of research, they have found that contempt is the number one predictor of divorce. Being able to see the good with the bad as well as balance out positive and negatives is a crucial part of sustaining long term happiness and love, no buts about it.
Related links:
What to expect on your first date
5 surprising ways to better communicate with your partner
8 relationship myths (and why they’re wrong)