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7 research-based resolutions that will help strengthen your relationship in the year ahead

The new year is going to be better. It has to be better. Maybe you’re one of the <a href="https://www.finder.com/new-years-resolution-statistics" target="_blank" rel="noopener">74% of Americans</a> in one survey who said they planned on hitting the reset button on Jan. 1 and resolving to improve. Those <a href="http://maristpoll.marist.edu/marist-poll-national-results-analysis-4/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">New Year’s resolutions most commonly focus on</a> eating healthier, exercising, losing weight and being a better person. Admirable goals, to be sure. But focusing on body and mind neglects something equally important: your romantic relationship. Couples with <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00393.x" target="_blank" rel="noopener">better marriages report higher well-being</a>, and one study found that having a better romantic relationship not only promoted well-being and better health now but that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/08952841.2020.1838238" target="_blank" rel="noopener">those benefits extend into the future</a>. The lesson is clear: Your relationship is important. Resolve to get it right. That doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. But here are seven resolutions based on recent psychological research that you can make this New Year to help keep your relationship going strong. <h2>1. Set yourself up for success</h2> Adjust your mindset so you see your relationship as a key <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2005.00373.x" target="_blank" rel="noopener">source of positive experiences</a>. <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=v2ai_5wAAAAJ&hl=en&oi=ao" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Psychologists like me</a> call this boosting your social approach motivation. Instead of merely trying to avoid relationship problems, those with an approach motivation seek out the positives and <a href="http://peplab.web.unc.edu/files/2020/11/Don-Fredrickson-Algoe-JPSP-In-press-Approach-Paper-In-Press-.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">use them to help the relationship</a>. Here’s how: Imagine a conversation with your partner. Having more of an approach motivation allows you to focus on positive feelings as you talk and to see your partner as more responsive to you. Your partner gets a burst of positivity, too, and in return sees you as more responsive. One partner’s good vibes spill over to the other partner, ultimately benefiting both. After a year when your relationship may have felt unprecedented external strains, laying the foundation to take advantage of any positives is good place to start. <h2>2. Be optimistic</h2> While things in the past may not have always gone how you wanted, it’s important to be optimistic about the future. But the right kind of optimism matters. A <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12342" target="_blank" rel="noopener">2020 research study</a> from <a href="https://cns.utexas.edu/directory/item/84-human-dev-family-sci/3008-farnish-krystan?Itemid=349" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Krystan Farnish</a> and <a href="https://cns.utexas.edu/directory/item/14-human-ecology/259-neff-lisa-a?Itemid=349" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Lisa Neff</a> found that generally looking on the bright side of life allowed participants to deal with relationship conflict more effectively – as they put it, better able to “shake it off” – than did those who were optimistic specifically about their relationship. It seems that if people focus all their rosy expectations just on their relationship, it encourages them to anticipate few negative experiences with their partner. Since that’s unrealistic even in the best relationships, it sets them up for disappointment. <h2>3. Increase your psychological flexibility</h2> <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.06.006" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Try to go with the flow</a>. In other words, work on accepting your feelings without being defensive. It’s OK to adjust your behaviors – you don’t always have to do things the way you always have or go the places you’ve always gone. Stop being stubborn and experiment with being flexible. A 2020 study by <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Karen_Twiselton" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Karen Twiselton</a> and colleagues found that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12344" target="_blank" rel="noopener">when you’re more flexible psychologically</a>, relationship quality is higher, in part because you experience more positive and fewer negative emotions. For example, navigating the yearly challenge of holidays and family traditions is a relationship minefield. However, if both partners back away from a “must do” mentality in favor of a more adaptable approach, relationship harmony will be greater. <h2>4. It’s OK to put ‘me’ before ‘we’</h2> It’s easy for some people to play the self-sacrificing martyr in their romantic relationship. If this sounds like you, try to focus more on yourself. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad partner. When you’re psychologically healthy, your partner and your relationship also benefit. Researchers have identified <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000231" target="_blank" rel="noopener">four main traits that are part of good mental health</a>: openness to feelings, warmth, positive emotions and straightforwardness. These traits help with being more clear about who you are, feeling better about who you are, expressing greater optimism and less aggression, exploiting others less and exhibiting less antisocial behavior. You can see how what’s good for you in this case would be good for your partner too. <h2>5. Do something for your partner</h2> But it’s not all about you. Putting your partner first some of the time and catering to your partner’s desires is part of being a couple. A 2020 study by <a href="https://carleton.ca/psychology/people/johanna-peetz/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Johanna Peetz</a> and colleagues found that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12357" target="_blank" rel="noopener">prioritizing your partner</a> makes you feel closer to them, increases positive feelings, reduces negative ones and boosts perceived relationship quality. In the new year, look for ways to give your partner some wins. Let them get their way from time to time and support them in what they want to do, without exclusively prioritizing your own wants and needs. <h2>6. Don’t be so hard on yourself</h2> So many New Year’s resolutions focus on body image. Aspirations to eat better and work out often stem from the same goal: a hotter body. Yet, research from <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Xue_Lei8" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Xue Lei</a> shows that you may not really know what your partner wants you to look like. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/bjop.12451" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Women tend to overestimate how thin</a> male partners want them to be. Similarly, men believe that female partners want them to be more muscular than women say they do. It may seem harmless, but in both cases individuals are more critical and demanding toward themselves, in part based on misreading what a partner truly desires. <h2>7. Stay in touch</h2> I saved the easiest item on the list for last: Touch your partner more. When <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Cheryl_Carmichael" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Cheryl Carmichael</a> and colleagues followed 115 participants over a 10-day period, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550620929164" target="_blank" rel="noopener">they found that initiating and receiving touch</a> – things like holding hands, cuddling, kissing – were associated with both a boost in closeness and relationship quality. Importantly, being touched by your partner has the added benefit of making you feel more understood and validated. Who couldn’t use more of that in the coming year? This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/7-research-based-resolutions-that-will-help-strengthen-your-relationship-in-the-year-ahead-152349" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>. Image: Shutterstock

Relationships

How to deal with losing touch with grandkids

Losing contact with your grandchild, or perhaps more accurately getting cut off from them, is perhaps the worst thing that can happen to grandparents but unfortunately, it happens and it’s on the rise. Each situation leading up to an estrangement is different but it commonly occurs after the marital breakdown of parents. The family conflict ripples out and grandparents are unfairly, but often collateral damage. The emotional toll it takes can be immense and heart-breaking but what can be done? Repair relationships Family conflict occurs and is exacerbated by poor communication. The best way to begin amends is to build bridges. Even if you’ve been unfairly hurt, remember this person is still your grandchild’s parent. It can be difficult but you need to respect that. Apologise – Be sincere. No caveats or justifications. You might not have done anything wrong or you might not even know what you did wrong to cause this rift but this is not a time for egos or personal pride. Remember this is the father or mother of your grandchild and they are the parents. They may have made mistakes but they are still the parents. Make peace for the sake of making peace and to mend the relationship, because if you want to see grandchildren, you will need a relationship with both parents. Make it about the child – Parents going through a separation or divorce are often wrapped in their own conflicts. Yet parents will hopefully do what is best for their child. It might be self-evident that grandparents are good for children but this might not be obvious to parents who have been through emotional turmoil, bitterness and separation. Approach in a sensitive, non-accusatory and non-judgemental way and explain the importance and usefulness of grandparents to children. Remind them the positive role you have taken in the past and that grandparents are not only a source of comfort to children in difficult times but can be the rock of stability in these trying times. You can offer practical help like picking up from school as well as reminding that keeping in touch will help children’s sense of family identity and history. Talk it out – Sometimes your children (and in-laws) simply have no idea that their parents are feeling so devastated and grief-stricken. They might not have considered the effects of their behaviour on others or presumed you would take your child’s side. Reassure them that you don’t want to take sides, just that you want what is best for your grandchild. Seek legal help This should be the last option because starting legal action will almost always end any hope of repairing the relationship between parents and grandparents. Even so, there is no guarantee that going through the courts will provide a happy outcome. Within our current legal system, grandparents do not have an automatic right to have a relationship with a grandchild. According to Legal Aid NSW, anyone who has an ongoing relationship with the child, or any other person who can show that they are concerned with the care, welfare or development of a child (including grandparents) may apply to the Court for Parenting Orders. A Parenting Order can be an order that you can spend time with or communicate with the child. It will be up to the Court to decide what will happen, based on what is in the child’s best interests. Image: Getty

Family & Pets

6 tips to negotiate your way to what you want

Whether you’re haggling at the markets, dealing with a sales person or trying to buy a car, we negotiate all the time in our lives. Knowing how to get what you want is one of those skills worth learning so here are six ways to help your next negotiation go your way. 1. Do your homework Learn as much as you can before your negotiation. When you have information it gives you a stronger chance in a negotiation as well as knowing how to deal with any objections. Even in the case of wanting to return some clothes or shoes to a store, a sales person might refuse you but if you have researched the policy beforehand you would know you’re not being treated fairly. 2. Listen more than you talk It might seem like you should talk more as you need to convince the other side of what you need but in fact, you’ll make more ground if you listen. You will not only be able to learn more about what the other person needs or wants but most importantly it builds trust - the other party now feels respected and understood. It will lead you both to want to find a mutually satisfying agreement. 3. Look for shared interests You want to establish a rapport with the person so look for things you have a shared interest in. When you find common ground with someone it builds familiarity and a trust that will help you in a negotiation. If you’ve ever haggled at the markets you’ll know striking up a friendly conversation with the seller might persuade them to be a tad more generous in their pricing. 4. Address objections We’ve all been stopped at the shopping centres with people trying to sell us creams or raffles. When you try and walk away they are just too persuasive. Why? They address any objection you have and respond with empathy and understanding. It will just take a “quick minute” or “it’s very cheap” so you feel obliged to stick around. If they use it in sales, you can use it in your negotiations. 5. Seek a win-win outcome Don’t just focus on what you want and need. It’s a negotiation so the other party needs to leave with their interests met as well. If you’re thinking “win-win” you’ll already be considering the other person so most outcomes will be beneficial to both. It doesn’t mean “giving in” but simply finding that solution where both sides can walk away satisfied. For example if you’re selling anything, you might offer a discount if someone purchases multiple item rather than just one. In this situation, you sell more items and the other side gets a reduced price. 6. Aim high Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. You don’t get what you don’t ask. And if you don’t get it, you’ll be closer. Just say you’re buying some classic furniture, you would start well below your rock bottom because you know the seller is going to aim high.

Mind

Finding a legal resolution through mediation

To say legal disputes can get messy is quite an understatement. And court is the last place you want to be with someone that you were previously close with. The good news is that there are alternatives. We’re going to look at mediation, an effective legal process that can be used to handle complicated disputes when there’s a need to preserve the relationship. We’re going to look at the ins and outs of this process, so you can figure out whether or not it’s in your best interest for your particular dispute. What is mediation? In a basic sense, mediation is a structured negotiation process with a third party involved. The third, independent party is known as the mediator and is brought in to help assist the groups identify and assess the different options they have for resolving disputes. Mediation is useful if there is a need for parties to find a way to preserve their relationship and the possibility that a judge’s decision won’t resolve the dispute. It also has the following advantages: <ul> <li>Time – mediation tends to resolve disputes much quicker than a trial.</li> <li>Cost – mediation avoids the costs of preparing and running a trial entirely.</li> <li>Flexibility – mediation gives both parties more control over the outcome. </li> <li>Stress – mediation is less formal, and a much more relaxed environment.</li> <li>Confidentiality – mediation by its nature is private and a judge is not informed.</li> <li>Satisfaction – because both parties have had an influence in the decisions it’s more likely to please everybody.</li> <li>Finality – the settlement can only be modified with agreement of all parties.</li> </ul> How does it work? Basically, before a mediation commences, the mediator will consult both parties with a view to figure out the best process for coming to a dispute. This will also generally involve a discussion about the background of the matter and issues involved. The process itself is flexible and tailored to the circumstances. Mediators may assist the flow of negotiations and offer different perspectives. In the end if the parties come to an agreement the matter is settled in full or in part or if a conclusion is unable to be reached a trial may be necessary depending on the circumstances of the dispute. Have you ever found yourself in a legal dispute and how did you cope? Do you think mediation is an option you might look into exploring now? Image: Shutterstock

Legal

NASA releases highest-resolution images of infrared Universe

New images released by NASA have captured the Universe in a level of detail never before seen and shows a cluster of galaxies as it appeared 4.6 billion years ago. The images, taken by the $13 billion James Webb Space Telescope, depict galaxy cluster <a href="https://www.nasa.gov/image-feature/goddard/2022/nasa-s-webb-delivers-deepest-infrared-image-of-universe-yet" target="_blank" rel="noopener">SMACS 0723</a> using composite images from its near-infrared camera that were taken at different wavelengths. The galaxy cluster has been photographed previously by the Hubble Space Telescope, though its smaller mirrors and closer orbit to Earth mean its images are less detailed and that it can’t peer back as far in time in comparison to the James Webb telescope, as reported by the <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-07-13/nasa-webb-hubble-telescope-universe-image-comparison/101233396" target="_blank" rel="noopener">ABC</a>. As a result, the structures of distant galaxies are now visible, including clusters of stars and other features, according to a <a href="https://www.nasa.gov/image-feature/goddard/2022/nasa-s-webb-delivers-deepest-infrared-image-of-universe-yet" target="_blank" rel="noopener">release</a> from NASA. “We are looking back in time to within a billion years after the big bang when viewing the youngest galaxies in this field,” the release reads. In total, four images have been released by NASA, depicting the cosmic cliffs of the <a href="https://www.nasa.gov/image-feature/goddard/2022/nasa-s-webb-reveals-cosmic-cliffs-glittering-landscape-of-star-birth" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Carina Nebula</a> (a star-forming gaseous cavity created from ultraviolet radiation and stellar winds), <a href="https://www.nasa.gov/image-feature/goddard/2022/nasa-s-webb-sheds-light-on-galaxy-evolution-black-holes" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Stephen’s Quintet</a> (a group of five growing galaxies which appeared in the film It’s a Wonderful Life), the <a href="https://www.nasa.gov/image-feature/goddard/2022/nasa-s-webb-captures-dying-star-s-final-performance-in-fine-detail" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Southern Ring Nebula</a> (a dying star surrounded by rings of gas and dust), and SMACS 0723. Spectra of the atmosphere surrounding <a href="https://www.nasa.gov/image-feature/goddard/2022/nasa-s-webb-reveals-steamy-atmosphere-of-distant-planet-in-detail" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WASP-96 b</a>, a hot gas giant exoplanet, was also released. It shows evidence of water, as well as clouds and haze in the atmosphere of the planet, which orbits a distant Sun-like star. These images and spectra collected from Webb’s other instruments, will be used by scientists to learn more about the masses, ages, histories and compositions of the distant galaxies. Experts from around the world have shared their excitement at the release of the images and what it will mean for future research. “Wow wow wow!!! The Webb telescope continues to absolutely amaze and delight with these first images!” Dr Kim-Vy Tran, an associate professor at UNSW and a professional astronomer, said. “Stephan’s Quintet is a fabulous system of close galaxies, you can almost feel the shockwaves as these galaxies collide and tumble in their cosmic dance. Bound together by gravity, these galaxies are important for understanding the future of galaxies like our Milky Way. The Carinae nebula is also just superb. It’s a stellar nursery full of baby stars where we’re seeing incredible levels of detail for the first time. It’s like before we could see just the trees in the forest, but now we can see down to the branches and even the leaves of individual trees. Some of these baby stars are super-charged giants that are radiating huge amounts of energy, imagine a UV index of a gazillion!" Dr Themiya Nanayakkara, an astronomer at Swinburne University of Technology and the Australian point of contact for the James Webb Space Telescope user support, described seeing the images as “quite humbling”. "It is quite humbling to see the sharpest images of our birth clouds in our cosmic neighbourhood,” Dr Nanayakkara said. “As a person who has spent many nights using the largest telescopes on Earth to detect the faintest signatures of the early cosmos, I feel the transformation to JWST will be game-changing. The released spectra show that we don’t just detect one faint line, we can get the full suite of chemical elements in these galaxies. “This, for the first time, gives us unique human DNA-like signatures of the first galaxies in the Universe to build up the origin story of life and everything around us. And to think of that the most exciting times from this telescope are yet to come!" Images: NASA, ESA, CSA, and STScI

Technology

‘Drained and wary of the future’: why you might feel different about New Year’s resolutions this year

At the beginning of each year, many people make vows to either do or not do something to improve their life in some way. The fresh start of a new year is magically equated with a fresh start to life and often imbued with renewed hope that this year things will be better. As we enter 2022, after two years of living with COVID-19, this hope may be stronger than usual. The pandemic’s impacts have ranged from deaths and other adverse effects on physical and mental health, to huge changes in employment, income, travel, leisure and the ability to socialise. The effect on individuals has varied considerably, depending on what their life was like beforehand, how much it has affected them personally, and their own resilience. Based on discussions with colleagues and patients, we may see resolutions driven by loss, guilt and anger, plus a rush on common types of self-improvement resolutions and a greater drive for overall life changes. Resilience How we respond to the shocks of the pandemic depends in part on our <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.3402/ejpt.v5.25338" target="_blank">resilience</a>: the ability to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress. It involves “bouncing back” from difficult experiences, and it can also involve personal growth. People who have lost loved ones to COVID may respond with New Year’s resolutions, but they may take positive or negative forms. Positive resolutions might be commitments to honour the deceased in some way, or to live well because your loved one cannot. A pact or vow made with or to a deceased loved one to “live life better” can be a powerful, positive motivator to change bad health habits such as smoking, excessive drinking or gambling, although professional help is advisable to ensure safe and lasting change. Negative resolutions, often driven by strong feelings of anger and despair, might be vows to seek revenge or punish those who may seem responsible for the death of their relative or friend. “Revenge resolutions” are not usually helpful adaptations and may spring from a sense of guilt arising from not being able to save their loved one or spend time with them. People who survived a COVID infection while a loved one did not, in particular, <a href="https://doi.apa.org/fulltext/2020-43452-001.html">often experience strong feelings of guilt</a>. Guilt-driven resolutions are driven by powerful emotions. They are likely to be realised in some form throughout the year, when hopefully the driving emotions become less intense by the following year. Personal improvement Since the virus has posed a major health risk, it would make sense for more people than ever to choose the New Year to resolve to improve their own health. Quitting smoking is a very common New Year’s resolution, and it seems even more sensible than usual amid a global pandemic of a virus that mainly attacks the respiratory system. However, as many people have found in the past, giving up cigarettes is very difficult and often requires significant planning and help to succeed. <img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/436539/original/file-20211209-19-167gm8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" alt="" /> Quitting smoking or other drugs is a very common New Year’s resolution. But while the pandemic may have increased the desire for change, it won’t necessarily make it any easier to achieve. Shutterstock While the pandemic may have made the desire for change stronger, it does not magically make resolutions any easier to achieve. This applies similarly to resolutions to change the use of alcohol or other drugs, which would also benefit from planning and professional help. Weight loss is another favourite New Year’s resolution. The famous “COVID kilos” will no doubt drive more people than usual to resolve to lose weight in 2022. Crash diets are common, but are often abandoned by February. Careful eating and an exercise plan accompanying the resolution will make it more likely to succeed. Bigger changes While COVID is likely to give an extra edge to common resolutions, we are also likely to see a surge in resolutions for overall “lifestyle change”. Many people’s attitudes to work and family have changed dramatically over the past two years, due to travel restrictions, work or study from home, and little socialisation with those outside our immediate families. This hugely significant alteration in our way of life has caused many people to reconsider their futures. Many have found great enjoyment in spending time with family and are now rethinking their work–home balance. Discovering that working from home is possible has made many people reconsider their career options moving into 2022. Some <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-05-10/quit-your-job-how-to-resign-after-covid-pandemic" target="_blank">experts anticipate</a> a post-pandemic work exodus, dubbed the “great resignation”, in which millions of people, from frontline workers to senior executives, may resign from their jobs. <img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/436541/original/file-20211209-68670-gy08bg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" alt="" /> As working from home has become more common, attitudes to work and family have shifted. Shutterstock According to <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/hybrid-work" target="_blank">recent research</a> by Microsoft, more than 40% of the global workforce are considering leaving their employers. This trend is expected to be replicated in different industries in the USA, UK and Europe. In Australia, <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/australias-great-resignation-is-a-myth-we-are-changing-jobs-less-than-ever-before-170784" target="_blank">this trend is not evident</a>, but nonetheless, a New Year’s resolution may be to determine a different type of employment for 2022 and beyond. Two paths for 2022 COVID-19 has left most of us drained and wary of the future. Many people believed the pandemic would end in 2020, but 2021 brought more infection, lockdowns and restrictions. In times of trauma, when the future is uncertain, there can be a polarisation of behaviours. Some people adopt a “devil may care, live for now” attitude to life, with greater risk taking. Others take the opposite attitude, and exercise extreme caution and narrow their existence further. Both groups may well make New Year’s resolutions to fit their approach to life.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/172305/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jayashri-kulkarni-185" target="_blank">Jayashri Kulkarni</a>, Professor of Psychiatry, <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/monash-university-1065" target="_blank">Monash University</a> This article is republished from <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com" target="_blank">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/drained-and-wary-of-the-future-why-you-might-feel-different-about-new-years-resolutions-this-year-172305" target="_blank">original article</a>.

Mind

Proud and resolute": Queen’s new statue design FINALLY revealed

Royal fans have been given a first look at a statue of Queen Elizabeth that's currently under construction – and strictly under wraps. The statue is set to be uncovered just in time for Her Majesty’s Platinum Jubilee in 2022 and is being created by artist Richard Bossons, who is part of York Minster cathedral's masonry team. It will stand two metres tall and will weigh out to about two tonnes. Bossons admitted to the BBC that the sculpture had been challenging to design. <img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7843321/queen-statue-rare-photos-5.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/bce3f9bd79454d17bacca654fd4f9e51" /> Image: Twitter @York_Minster "The statue needs to be part of the fabric, not a distraction from it, yet it also has to have the poise and presence befitting of the Queen's unique role," he said. "She will stand proud and resolute in her niche, welcoming worshippers and visitors alike," Bossons added. The statue will show the Queen dressed in Garter robes and the George IV State Diadem. She will also be holding an orb and sceptre, to symbolise her 70-year reign on the British throne. The Twitter York Minster took to Twitter to share more information on the design: "We're delighted to be able to share some images showing the on-going work behind the creation of the new statue of Her Majesty The Queen, set to be installed in summer '22. <img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7843320/queen-statue-rare-photos-4.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/67c5d35a2b1f4be9af2ddf767804f5cb" /> Image: Twitter @York_Minster "Designer & carver Richard Bossons showcasing his incredible skill." The 2022 Jubilee is set to take place from Thursday, June 2 to Sunday, June 5 in 2022. <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> We’re delighted to be able to share some images showing the on-going work behind the creation of the new statue of Her Majesty The Queen, set to be installed in summer '22. Designer & carver Richard Bossons showcasing his incredible skill 👏 Read more > <a href="https://t.co/E0Y8gaUNNj">https://t.co/E0Y8gaUNNj</a> <a href="https://t.co/hq5Dn4MQ4P">pic.twitter.com/hq5Dn4MQ4P</a> — York Minster (@York_Minster) <a href="https://twitter.com/York_Minster/status/1427954810381377541?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 18, 2021</a></blockquote> "Throughout the year, Her Majesty and Members of the Royal Family will travel around the country to undertake a variety of engagements to mark this historic occasion culminating with the focal point of the Platinum Jubilee Weekend in June - one year from today," Buckingham Palace revealed. Trooping the Colour will take place on Thursday, June 2, instead of its usual Saturday date.

Beauty & Style

4 money-saving resolutions you should make this year

Could this be the year you get your finances in order? A savings plan doesn’t need to be overwhelming, try these seven tips that Patty Cathey, financial advisor at Smart Retirement Plan uses with her clients to keep them on track. 1. Track your spending Some financial mishaps happen simply because we aren’t paying close enough attention to our spending habits. Once you have taken an inventory of your finances, watch your spending for unnecessary expenses. “Take out the magnifying glass and take notice of the details in your financial picture,” Cathey advises. “Comb through your credit card statements to see if there’s any unnecessary spending or charges. Are you paying for a gym membership or cable channels you don’t use? Is there a charge you didn’t make that could be fraud? Paying attention to the little things can make a big difference in your finances.” 2. Start small When the New Year rolls around, the temptation is to make extreme financial resolutions all at once. But don’t get so caught up in your resolutions that you set yourself up for failure. Cathey advises her clients to make small changes to their spending, since they are more maintainable over time. “Taking a baby step in cutting your spending can start you on the path to even bigger savings,” Cathey encourages. “For example, instead of cutting out your morning coffee completely, cut out one cup per week in January. Same thing goes for bringing a lunch to work: try packing a lunch one day. You may find it’s easier than you realise.” By February you may be skipping two lattés and bringing your lunch twice a week. 3. Wait before you swipe Make a new habit of waiting before you spend on an unplanned purchase. Did you spot a piece of house decor at Target during a nappy run? Take time to think about the purchase before you swipe your credit card. “Apply the 48-hour rule by giving yourself a mandatory waiting period before making a big purchase,” Cathey says. “Many times, you’ll forget about the item you so desperately wanted when you’re in the store. If you still want or think you need it after 48 hours, talk over the purchase with a spouse or loved one.” 4. Pay yourself first Even if you mean well, life can get in the way of prioritising saving for emergencies or getting ready for your retirement. David Bach, author of The Automatic Millionaire, encourages individuals with big financial goals to start by making their savings automatic each time they get paid. “Adding a small amount to your savings is pain free and pays off in the long run” he says. Then, utilise online banking tools to efficiently distribute money into different accounts including: retirement, emergency and mortgage payments, credit card, and other recurring bills. Source: <a href="https://www.rd.com/advice/saving-money/financial-resolutions/">RD.com</a> Written by Mary Sauer. This article first appeared in <a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/food-home-garden/money/7-money-saving-resolutions-you-should-make-this-new-yea">Reader’s Digest</a>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, <a href="http://readersdigest.innovations.co.nz/c/readersdigestemailsubscribe?utm_source=over60&utm_medium=articles&utm_campaign=RDSUB&keycode=WRN93V">here’s our best subscription offer.</a>

Money & Banking

5 rules from psychology to help keep your new year's resolutions

We are creatures of habit. Between a third and half of our behaviour is habitual, <a href="https://dornsife.usc.edu/assets/sites/545/docs/Wendy_Wood_Research_Articles/Habits/wood.neal.2009._the_habitual_consumer.pdf">according to research estimates</a>. Unfortunately, our bad habits compromise our health, wealth and happiness. On average, it takes <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/ejsp.674">66 days to form a habit</a>. But positive behavioural change is harder than self-help books would have us believe. Only <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2728957">40% of people</a> can sustain their new year’s resolution after six months, while only <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16002825">20% of dieters</a> maintain long-term weight loss. Education does not effectively promote behaviour change. A <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16536643">review of 47 studies</a> found that it’s relatively easy to change a person’s goals and intentions but it’s much harder to change how they behave. Strong habits are often <a href="http://eprints.whiterose.ac.uk/704/1/sheeranp1.pdf">activated unconsciously</a> in response to social or environmental cues – for example, we go to the supermarket <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/articles/how_supermarkets_tempt">about 211 times a year</a>, but most of our purchases are habitual. With all this in mind, here are five ways to help you keep your new year’s resolutions – whether that’s taking better care of your body or your bank balance. 1. Prioritise your goals Willpower is <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1998-00299-017">a finite resource</a>. Resisting temptation drains our willpower, leaving us vulnerable to influences that <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/10.1086/510228">reinforce our impulsive behaviours</a>. A common mistake is being overly ambitious with our new year resolutions. It’s best to prioritise goals and focus on one behaviour. The ideal approach is to make small, incremental changes that replace the habit with a behaviour that supplies a similar reward. Diets that are too rigid, for example, require a lot of willpower to follow. <iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/8dAOTiWIPYE?wmode=transparent&start=1" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe> 2. Change your routines Habits are embedded within routines. So disrupting routines <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2005-06516-003">can prompt us to adopt new habits</a>. For example, major life events like changing jobs, moving house or having a baby all promote new habits since we are forced to adapt to new circumstances. While routines can boost our productivity and add stability to our social lives they should be chosen with care. People who live alone <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/315552294_Habits_Across_the_Lifespan">have stronger routines</a> so throwing a dice to randomise your decision making if you do could help you disrupt your habits. Our environment also affects our routines. For example, without giving it any thought, we eat popcorn at the cinema but not in a meeting room. Similarly, reducing the size of your storage containers and the plates you serve food on <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0013916506295574">can help to tackle overeating</a>. 3. Monitor your behaviour “Vigilant monitoring” appears to be the most effective strategy for tackling strong habits. This is where people actively monitor their goals and regulate their behaviours in response to different situations. A <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19916637">meta-analysis of 100 studies</a> found that self-monitoring was the best of 26 different tactics used to promote healthy eating and exercise activities. Another <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/37367696_Implementation_Intentions_and_Goal_Achievement_A_Meta-Analysis_of_Effects_and_Processes">meta-analysis of 94 studies</a> informs us that “implementation intentions” are also highly effective. These personalised “if x then y” rules can counter the automatic activation of habits. For example, if I feel like eating chocolate, I will drink a glass of water. <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/281450400_How_to_Maximize_Implementation_Intention_Effects">Implementation intentions</a> with multiple options are very effective since they provide the flexibility to adapt to situations. For example, “if I feel like eating chocolate I will (a) drink a glass of water, (b) eat some fruit; or (c) go for a walk”. But negatively framed implementation intentions (“when I feel like eating chocolate, I will not eat chocolate”) can be counterproductive since people have to suppress a thought (“don’t eat chocolate”). Ironically, trying to suppress a thought actually makes us <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/3612492">more likely to think about it</a> thereby increasing the risk of habits such as binge eating, smoking and drinking. <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20363904">Distraction</a> is another approach that can disrupt habits. Also effective is focusing on the positive aspects of the new habit and the negative aspects <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2009-22616-003">of the problem habit</a>. 4. Imagine your future self To make better decisions we need to overcome our tendency to prefer rewards now rather than later – psychologists call this our <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzKix2xWmJI">“present bias”</a>. One way to fight this bias is to futureproof our decisions. Our future self tends to be virtuous and adopts long-term goals. In contrast, our present self often pursues short-term, situational goals. There are ways we can workaround this, though. For example, setting up a direct debit into a savings account is effective because it’s a one-off decision. In contrast, eating decisions are problematic because of their high frequency. Often our food choices are compromised by circumstance or situational stresses. Planning ahead is therefore important because we regress to our old habits <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0749597803001043">when put under pressure</a>. 5. Set goals and deadlines Setting self-imposed deadlines or goals helps us change our behaviour <a href="https://erationality.media.mit.edu/papers/dan/eRational/Dynamic%20preferences/deadlines.pdf">and form new habits</a>. For example, say you are going to save a certain amount of money every month. Deadlines work particularly well when tied to self-imposed <a href="https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/ebd9/b0146b8ac12a54b13d290362a475b9c7c52d.pdf">rewards and penalties</a> for good behaviour. Another way to increase motivation is to harness the power of peer pressure. Websites <a href="https://www.stickk.com/">such as stickK</a> allow you to broadcast your commitments online so that friends can follow your progress via the website or on social media (for example, “I will lose a stone in weight by May”). These are highly visible commitments and tie our colours to the mast. A financial forfeit for failure (preferably payable to a cause you oppose) can add extra motivation.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/128816/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/brian-harman-648072">Brian Harman</a>, Lecturer in Marketing, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/de-montfort-university-1254">De Montfort University</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/janine-bosak-400922">Janine Bosak</a>, Professor in Organisational Psychology, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/dublin-city-university-1528">Dublin City University</a> This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/five-rules-from-psychology-to-help-keep-your-new-years-resolutions-128816">original article</a>.

Mind

Why your New Year's resolution to go to the gym will fail

Come January, <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2018/01/01/the-science-of-keeping-your-new-years-resolution/">40% of Americans will make New Years resolutions</a>, and <a href="https://www.statista.com/statistics/378105/new-years-resolution/">nearly half of them will aim</a> to lose weight or get in shape. But <a href="https://health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/eat-run/articles/2015-12-29/why-80-percent-of-new-years-resolutions-fail">80% of New Year’s resolutions fail by February</a>, and gyms will experience a <a href="https://abcnews.go.com/Business/best-time-sign-gym-membership/story?id=21373583">decrease in traffic after the first and second months</a> of the year as those who made New Year’s resolutions to get in shape lose steam. As a lecturer at Binghamton and <a href="https://www.binghamton.edu/news/story/1737/binghamton-health-and-wellness-lecturer-earns-guinness-world-record/">former Olympic weightlifter, world champion powerlifter and strength coach</a>, much of my life has been spent in training halls and gyms around the country. People often ask me, “How do I stay motivated to work out?” <iframe id="WFV9s" class="tc-infographic-datawrapper" src="https://datawrapper.dwcdn.net/WFV9s/1/" height="400px" width="100%" style="border: none;" frameborder="0"></iframe> Motivation and short-term objectives Years back, when I was at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, one of the sports psychologists told me that motivation is a lie. It took me years of experience and research to figure out why, but I believe she was right. Personally, I have no issues getting up on a cold and dark morning to train when a competition is drawing near. But when there is no immediate objective or goal in site, getting up that early is much harder. Motivation is driven by emotion and that can be positive, as long as it <a href="http://doi.org/10.1016/S0959-4388(96)80077-8">is used for a short-term objective</a>. For some, a New Year’s resolution can serve as a motivator. But since <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-fundamental-four/201205/emotions-and-motivations">motivation is based on emotion</a>, it can’t last long. Think of it this way: No one can laugh or cry indefinitely, and that is exactly how we know that motivation will fail. <a href="https://global.oup.com/academic/product/affective-neuroscience-9780195178050?cc=us&lang=en&">Emotion is a chemical release</a> yielding a physiological response. If someone attempting to get in shape is reliant upon this reaction to propel them towards working out, they are almost sure to burn out, just like with a resolution. When people buy gym memberships, they have the best of intentions in mind, but the commitments are made in a charged emotional state. Motivation helps with short-term objectives, but is virtually useless for objectives that require a greater length of time to accomplish. In other words, don’t totally discount the value of motivation, but don’t count on it to last long either because it won’t. Discipline yields results If motivation won’t help you reach your goals, what will? The answer is discipline. Discipline, as I define it, is the ability to do what is necessary for success when it is hardest to do so. Another way to think of it is having the ability, not necessarily the desire, to do what you need to when you least want to. Failure to get up when the alarm rings, the inability to walk away from a late night of partying before game day or eating a doughnut when you have committed to no processed sugar are all failures of discipline - not motivation. The keys to discipline are practice and consistency. Discipline means repetitive – and sometimes boring – action. There are no shortcuts. You can thank motivation for the first three weeks or so of your successful gym attendance, but after that you need to credit discipline. There is another clear line defining the difference between motivation and discipline. Motivation in and of itself typically fails to build other qualities necessary for advancement, but discipline does. Discipline <a href="https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=hy9mDwAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PT11&dq=Discipline+builds+confidence&ots=ga0Vo8UNjY&sig=wsZ-N4x6NhasmmAnbGb610pbt3Y#v=onepage&q=Discipline%20builds%20confidence&f=false">develops confidence</a> and patience. Discipline builds consistency and consistency yields habits. It is those habits that, in the end, will ultimately define success. <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/william-clark-887069">William Clark</a>, Adjunct Lecturer of Health and Wellness Studies, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/binghamton-university-state-university-of-new-york-2252">Binghamton University, State University of New York</a> This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-your-new-years-resolution-to-go-to-the-gym-will-fail-127090">original article</a>.

Body

How to use habit science to help you keep your New Year's resolution

<a href="https://health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/eat-run/articles/2015-12-29/why-80-percent-of-new-years-resolutions-fail">More than 80 per cent</a> of people who make New Year’s resolutions have already given up on their goals by February. While there’s a lot of resolution advice on the internet, much of it fails to highlight the crux of behavioral change. To make individual decisions – whether it’s what to wear or which gift to buy for someone – <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0149763414002802">you draw on brain systems involving executive control</a>. You make the decision, add a shot of willpower and, voilà, it’s done. But most resolutions don’t involve a single decision. Eating healthier, exercising more and spending less all involve habitual behaviors that involve <a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/nrn1919">neural circuitry</a> tied to unconscious thought. Take eating. You can decide you want to eat healthier, but the memories of your eating habits persist. At around 11 a.m., you start thinking of muffins, your go-to morning snack. At 8 p.m., you automatically think of ice cream, your usual dessert. This is the way habits work: <a href="https://www.annualreviews.org/doi/abs/10.1146/annurev-psych-122414-033417">Certain contexts</a>, like times of the day and locations, bring to mind thoughts of certain rewards – like the tasty foods you tend to eat. You can exert some willpower and stop yourself snacking over the course of one day. <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8121959">But denial can backfire</a>: By quashing a desire, you give it extra fuel to plague you in the future. Over time, we tend to give up. The key to mastering habits is to understand how difficult it is to simply will them away. But you can deploy a kind of “reverse-engineering” based on <a href="https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250159076">the science of habits</a>. <h2>The facts of friction</h2> One way to reverse engineer bad habits is to create friction. Physical distance is a simple source of friction. <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0195666314000920">A 2014 study</a> involved a bowl of buttered popcorn and a bowl of apple slices. One group of participants sat closer to popcorn than the apple slices, and the other sat closer to the apple slices. The first group ate three times more calories. The second group of participants could see and smell the popcorn, but the distance created friction, and they were less likely to eat it. For your own eating habits, the strategies can be as simply as putting junk food out of sight – off kitchen counters and into the pantry, so it’s slightly more difficult to access. If you want to cultivate good habits, you can diminish the friction for the new behavior. <a href="https://www.wsj.com/articles/how-close-do-you-need-to-be-to-your-gym-1490111186">For example</a>, researchers looked at the GPS data of people with gym memberships. Those who traveled about 3.7 miles to a gym went five or more times a month. However, those who had to travel around 5.2 miles went only about once a month. Again, the strategy is obvious: Reduce friction to working out. Choose a gym that’s on your way home from the office. Keep your gym bag always at the ready. My son, an avid bike racer, puts his <a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&biw=1301&bih=740&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=iT4OXqaMEuSJggfZk53gBA&q=indoor+bike+trainer&oq=indoor+bike+trainer&gs_l=img.3..0l7j0i7i30l3.1190.1794..1891...0.0..1.421.1306.7j3-1j1......0....1..gws-wiz-img.......0i67.kKHMrOCxb6w&ved=0ahUKEwjm9OnNzeXmAhXkhOAKHdlJB0wQ4dUDCAY&uact=5">indoor bike trainer</a> in the middle of his living room before leaving for work. When he gets home, he finds it’s usually easier to do his planned workout. <h2>Out with the old cues</h2> Another strategy to reverse-engineer your habits is to change the cues that activate them. Cues can include the time of day, a location and the routines associated with a behavior. If you regularly make coffee, your cues might be entering your kitchen shortly after waking up and seeing your coffee machine. Cues change naturally when you start new relationships, change jobs or move. These offer a window of opportunity to act on your goals and desires without being dragged down by the cues that trigger your old habits. For example, <a href="http://doi.org/10.1007/s10869-016-9468-3">researchers found</a> in a 2017 study that professional athletes whose performance had declined often improved after being traded to or signing with a new team. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jenvp.2007.10.005">Another study</a> found new residents of a small British town with strong environmental values mostly took the bus or cycled to work. But people who were not recent movers mostly drove, even though they held similar values. When cues change, it becomes easier to switch up your habits and routines. Say you want to eat healthier. Try taking a new route to work instead of the one that takes you by the café where you buy double cream cappuccinos. When you’re chatting on the phone, do it in the living room instead of the kitchen. Even in food-rich contexts, cue control is possible. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1038/oby.2008.286">A 2012 study</a> found that overweight patrons at all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants were more likely to sit facing the food, while thinner people tended to sit with their backs or sides facing the buffet. Thinner people were also more likely to put napkins on their laps, a minor way to add friction to getting more food. Breaking out of bad habits isn’t easy. It takes time and repetition. But as you work toward forming better habits, you can, at the very least, incorporate these simple reverse-engineering strategies to help you avoid becoming one of the 80 per cent of people who throw in the towel. <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/wendy-wood-137754">Wendy Wood</a>, Provost Professor of Psychology and Business, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-southern-california-dornsife-college-of-letters-arts-and-sciences-2669">University of Southern California – Dornsife College of Letters, Arts and Sciences</a> This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-to-use-habit-science-to-help-you-keep-your-new-years-resolution-129286">original article</a>.

Mind

Surviving adult children living at home

Imagine a life where you have free home-cooked meals, free laundering and free rent. It sounds like the stuff of dreams – especially in Sydney – but it is actually the experience of many single adults living in New Zealand and other western countries today. ‘Boomerang Kids’ is the term for this social trend of adult children living at home with parents, but while the arrangement offers great financial benefit to the adult child, what is its impact on their Baby Boomer parent? Social demographer, Mark McCrindle’s extensive research into ‘Boomerang Kids’ reveals that more than one in four 20-34 year-old males still live at home with parents and in the US these numbers are even higher. “One of the key benefits of staying longer with parents is costs savings. Housing affordability is a major cause of adults staying in the family home,” he says. Below is a list of the main challenges this social trend can present for the Baby Boomer parent: <ul> <li>Retirement plans are delayed and retirement savings significantly decrease.</li> <li>Baby Boomer parents, while enjoying the social interactions available in a multigenerational household, can often feel the pressure and may feel like their hard work is being taken for granted.</li> <li>Baby Boomer parents can feel sandwiched between taking care of their own parents while still having their Gen Y children living with them and studying.</li> <li>It can have a negative influence on younger children living at home.</li> <li>Couples with adult kids at home can suffer through more arguments and bickering than if they were empty nesters (studies have shown this).</li> <li>You can actually be holding back your child from success and life fulfillment by ‘robbing’ them of drive by giving too much.</li> </ul> Rest assured there are also many benefits to having adult children living at home and many studies support this. For example parents can be more assured about the safety of their children, who they associate with etc. Living with your adult child can foster closer relationships and allow the parent to give ongoing guidance and advice on a regular basis. It's not uncommon to hear parents having very little contact with their child once they leave home and perhaps start a family of their own early. Another added benefit to having a child at home longer is that when your child does eventually leave home they are more financially secure, having been able to possibly save a deposit for a home rather than have spent most of their income on rent - and that is one less worry for the parent. The adult child can also be an invaluable source of support for the parent through maintenance and upkeep of the home and in caring for their parent if they are ill. Here are some tips for surviving with adult kids still living at home: <ul> <li>Agree on a plan or budget: Very few parents and boomerang children have a formal arrangement or contract covering costs and the length of the "tenancy" or live in arrangement.</li> <li>Have open conversations: Communicate how you feel about things you may be uncomfortable or uncertain about with the arrangement.</li> <li>Tough Love approach: Take a step back from the parent-child relationship and try to be more clinical and business-like. Don’t roll over!</li> <li>Discuss costs: As well as discussing food costs, parents and adult children should also discuss the cost of utilities, which are often large but not included in discussions.</li> <li>Discuss domestic chores: Domestic duties must be divided and organised, otherwise they tend to become the parents' responsibility, particularly mothers.</li> <li>Time: It is often hard to forecast how long the arrangement will last, but Mark McCrindle strongly advocates for this, at least a scheduled time to reassess the arrangement.</li> <li>House Rules: For example, have a protocol or expectations around friends or boyfriends and girlfriends of adult children i.e. whether partners are permitted to stay over in the home; parties etc. Use of utilities: TV, music, specific rooms in the house etc.</li> </ul> These small but crucial steps can assist in creating a harmonious environment where you and your adult children can co-exist harmoniously. Written by Danielle Cesta. Republished with permission of <a href="https://www.wyza.com.au/articles/lifestyle/relationships/surviving-adult-children-living-at-home.aspx">Wyza.com.au</a>

Caring

New Year’s resolutions for your favourite TV characters

The thing with new year’s resolutions is that most people have forgotten about them within a couple of weeks (or a couple of hours) of making them. That doesn’t mean they weren’t made with the best of intentions, but points more to the likelihood of people’s regular behaviours being stronger than the urge to form a new habit (or break an old one). A great example of fleeting resolutions are those made by our favourite television characters – so often made at the beginning of a January episode, and then never mentioned again once the closing credits roll. Here are some resolutions made by your favourite TV characters (or ones we think would do them some good in the new year). 1. Fixer Upper Real or suggested: Suggested Characters: Chip and Joanna Gaines really should rethink their decision to end their house makeover show after latest season. What are we to do without a weekly fix of Jojo’s interior design flair and Chip’s demo day excitement? Kept? We can but dream. 2. Friends Real or suggested: Real Characters: Joey vows to learn some of the special skills he has listed on his CV, enlisting Phoebe to help teach him the guitar. Ross wants to try something new every day, leading to him buying tight leather pants and wearing them on a date. Rachel promises she’ll give up gossip, but is tested when she discovers Monica and Chandler’s secret relationship. And Chandler tries to stop making fun of his friends. Kept? Of course not. But boy did these resolutions make this a fun episode to watch. We wouldn’t want our Friends any other way. 3. Veep Real or suggested: Suggested Character: Selina really should re-evaluate her staffing choices. She’s so blinded by her own ego that she can’t manage to see how good things could get if she fired everyone who uselessly tells her how great she is without contributing anything. Of course, then we wouldn’t have a show, so maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all. Might make for an interesting episode, though! Kept? Nah, Selina is nothing without her useless flunkies. 4. The Office Real or suggested: Real Character: Michael resolves to never make his on again-off again girlfriend Holly never cry (“Unless it’s from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.” Kept? Undetermined. But we have low expectations of Michael Scott. 5. Big Bang Theory Real or suggested: Suggested Character: Sheldon really needs to start being intentionally nicer to Amy. One of these days he’s going to turn around and she’ll be long gone – possibly right into the arms of some handsome scientist who doesn’t treat her like crap. Kept? We doubt he would. Unless he’s challenged by one of his friends as some kind of scientific experiment… What’s the longest you’ve ever kept a new year’s resolution?

4 mind tricks to help you stick to your New Year’s resolutions

Neil Levy is a Senior Research Fellow in the Uehiro Centre for Practical Ethics at the University of Oxford and a Professor of Philosophy at Macquarie University, Sydney. Every year, millions of people around the world <a href="http://theconversation.com/time-for-a-reset-how-to-make-your-new-years-resolutions-work-51806" target="_blank">make New Year’s resolutions</a>. And every year, the great majority of us <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/dec/28/new-years-resolutions-doomed-failure" target="_blank">break and abandon</a> those resolutions. Self-control is a major problem for many of us, so failure to maintain our resolutions isn’t surprising. But is it inevitable? Is there anything we can do to make it more likely that we stick to our resolve? Psychology research can help: here are four things you can do to make it more likely that, this year, you maintain your resolutions. Intentions, constructions and bundles First, you can form <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Implementation_intention" target="_blank">implementation intentions</a>. Multiple studies show people are much more likely to follow through on an intention to do something – say, exercise more – if they form the intention to do it when they encounter a cue. Rather than just intending to exercise more, you might form the intention to set off jogging when the alarm goes off. Forming an implementation intention automates preparation for the behaviour when the cue is encountered. And that makes following through more likely. In <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17605571" target="_blank">one study</a>, for instance, women who formed food specific implementation intentions lost twice as much weight as a control group of dieting women. Second, you can focus on abstract properties of events and things rather than concrete properties. Suppose your goal is to eat more healthily, and you’re tempted by a doughnut. A focus on its concrete properties – its sweet stickiness, for instance – <a href="http://oxfordindex.oup.com/view/10.1093/acprof:oso/9780195391381.003.0022" target="_blank">tends to promote consumption</a>. But a focus on its abstract properties, the properties it shares not only with other doughnuts but the broader set of things you find tempting, tends to promote self-control. You might think of the challenge not as “eat this doughnut or not?” but “eat unhealthy food or not?”. This is an application of what’s known as <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Construal_level_theory" target="_blank">construal level theory</a> to the problem of self-control. In general, construing things in more abstract terms tends to facilitate more rational thought and behaviour, possibly because it makes more salient the reasons why we want to exercise self-control in the first place. It’s the effects of a pattern of eating doughnuts – not of eating a single doughnut – that we want to avoid, and these patterns and their effects are abstract properties. In contrast, the low-level properties of a temptation make salient the ways in which it’s immediately rewarding. Relatedly, you can engage in the activity American psychiatrist, psychologist, and behavioural economist <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Breakdown-Will-George-Ainslie/dp/0521596947" target="_blank">George Ainslie calls</a> bundling choices. When you bundle choices, you don’t see them as discrete episodes, unrelated to one another. Rather, you see your current choice as representative of a recurrent challenge. You can bundle choices by regarding yourself not as choosing just how to act now, but rather as choosing how to act now and on every subsequent occasion. I might see my choice whether to eat a doughnut with my coffee as predictive of how I will act in similar situations in the future (whenever I go to the cafe, for instance), thereby bundling my current choice with my future, similar, choices. Just like focusing on abstract properties, bundling helps people to make choices they’re less likely to regret later. Sustainable self-control There’s some evidence that self-control is a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego_depletion" target="_blank">limited resource</a>: the more you use up, the less you have available for future challenges until the passage of time and rest restore your self-control capacities. The third strategy you can employ to maintain your resolutions, then, is to restore your self-control relatively rapidly. Several things seem to help. There’s <a href="http://www.albany.edu/~muraven/publications/promotion%20files/articles/tice%20et%20al,%202007.pdf" target="_blank">positive affect</a>, which involves boosting your mood, say, by watching a funny video. <a href="https://theconversation.com/ego%2520depletion%2520and%2520nature" target="_blank">Exposure to nature</a> also helps restore depleted self-control. Eating <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17279852" target="_blank">sweet foods helps too</a>, though that’s a problem if what you’re trying to control is your tendency to eat too much junk, especially since it turns out artificial sweeteners don’t help. <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17279852" target="_blank">One experiment</a> showed that while subjects who drank sugar-sweetened milkshakes had their depleted self-control restored, milkshakes flavoured with artificial sweeteners didn’t help at all (despite the fact that people were at chance when it came to guessing whether their drink used sugar or not). Why artificial sweeteners don’t restore self-control, but sugar does, is currently unknown. Fortunately, more recent research has shown that it’s not necessary to actually consume the sugar sweetened food to get the benefits: swishing a sweet drink around your mouth and then spitting it out is <a href="http://espace.library.curtin.edu.au/R?func=dbin-jump-full&local_base=gen01-era02&object_id=188806" target="_blank">just as effective</a>. If self-control is a limited resource, then we can avoid expending it unnecessarily: we can save it until we need it. The fourth strategy for keeping our resolutions, more generally, is avoiding temptations. This seems, and is, obvious, but its importance may go unrecognised. Perhaps people think willpower is more effective than it actually is. Or perhaps they fail to recognise it diminishes with use and across the day (consider how much more likely you are to eat sweets in the afternoon). So they don’t employ this strategy of avoiding temptation as often or as effectively as they might. If you want to eat less chocolate, don’t buy the family size bar (or fall into the old two-for-the-price-of-one trap) and rely on your willpower to ensure you stick to just three squares tonight. When you’re tired, you might find it hard to stick to your resolve. Better to buy a small bar: that way, the hassle of going out to buy more will probably be too great for you to give into your desire for another square of chocolate. You can avoid temptation by choosing the lolly-free aisle at the supermarket; choosing a route home that doesn’t go past the pub; or the bakery, and so on. There’s <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886914005339" target="_blank">evidence</a> this kind of strategic approach to self-control is more effective than relying on willpower alone. It takes planning to keep your resolution, but if it’s a worthwhile decision, it’ll be worth the effort. Written by Neil Levy. Republished with permission of <a href="http://theconversation.com" target="_blank">The Conversation</a>. <img width="1" height="1" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/52145/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-advanced" alt="The Conversation"/>

Mind

How to find common ground in a disagreement

Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today. In midlife, our close relationships can experience considerable strain. The stress of work, family responsibilities, finances, and health problems can make you tense and irritable. Before you know it, you’re in an acrid disagreement with the person you love the most. How did this happen? You were hoping to have a relaxing dinner and now it’s turned into an emotional mess. As you attempt to restore harmony, you search through your recall of what just happened to find what to say that will get things back on track. You wish the problem would just go away and don’t know how to make that happen. You may be surprised to learn, then, that conflict doesn’t have to be damaging at all to a relationship and, according to recent research, it may even help keep the relationship healthy and vital. University of California Berkeley psychologists Amie Gordon and Serena Chen (2016) decided to examine the factors that allow couples to argue without destroying their relationship quality or perhaps even improving it. They believe that conflicts are caused by misunderstandings, and “conflict between romantic partners is detrimental to relationship quality only when people do not feel understood by their partners” (p. 240). It’s fine to engage in the inevitable conflict with your partner that accompanies any close relationship, as long as you can communicate a message of understanding in the process. Gordon and Chen investigated their hypothesis through a series of seven studies, ranging from correlational to experimental, in which they assessed whether partners who felt more understood could emerge from a conflict retaining their previous feelings of satisfaction. Rather than rely on the typical college student sample alone (although they did for one of the studies), they sampled from a nationally recruited range of adults in long-term relationships. Key to their method was a focus on how partners perceived the conflict, not necessarily how they behaved. The most intriguing study in the Berkeley series involved creating, experimentally, the feeling of being understood during an argument. Participants were asked to imagine themselves in a fight with their partner under one of two conditions. In the “understood” condition, they were told to imagine their partner could see how they felt, and in the misunderstood condition, participants were told to imagine their partner did not understand them. The results consistently pointed to that sense of perceived understanding as counteracting the potentially negative effects of conflict. Indeed, It’s this sense of being understood that becomes the buffer against feeling hopeless about your relationship. Perhaps this is why, when you see couples staying together despite what looks to you like a miserable relationship, you’re not getting the full picture. They may bicker constantly all day long but they can still go to bed feeling content with each other. In midlife, we may have more stresses that cause conflicts to bubble up during the course of an ordinary day. However, we also have greater and deeper knowledge of our intimate partners. As long as you use that knowledge to show that you “get” your partner’s point of view, that conflict may turn out to deepen your relationship even further. When is a time that conflict helped your relationship? Let us know in the comments below. Written by Susan Krauss Whitbourne. First appeared on <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/" target="_blank">Huffington Post</a>. Looking for love – or perhaps you just want to meet some new people? <a href="https://ad.doubleclick.net/ddm/clk/301420739;128433504;u" target="_blank">Why not sign up at RSVP today by clicking here… You never know who is just around the corner.</a> Related links: <a href="http://www.oversixty.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/2016/08/attracting-emotionally-unavailable-partners/">3 reasons you attract emotionally unavailable partners</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/2016/08/why-some-people-take-breakups-harder-than-others/%20">Why some people take breakups harder than others</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/2016/07/relationship-advice-to-ignore/">5 pieces of relationship advice you really should ignore</a>

Relationships

How to ensure your New Year’s resolution is successful

A recent study showed three in four find it difficult to stick to the their New Year's Resolution. So what gives? If you’re guilty of setting a big life goal such as “I will lose weight” or “I will cut down on eating sugar,” you might have already put yourself at a disadvantage. The key could be learning to set a micro New Year resolution - a small-scale, articulate goal that is achievable and trackable. Claire Hall, author and life coach at Authentic Empowerment, believes there are simple measures you can take to set yourself up for success in 2016. Follow this 5-step guide to set an achievable New Year resolution. Step 1: Set a micro goal The problem with declaring broad goals like wanting to lose weight or stop smoking is that they’re often overwhelming, and difficult to measure. Instead, narrow down on what’s at the core of your resolution. “Work backwards and figure out what is the last thing you would be doing when the goal is in place to the first thing that needs to be tackled,” says coach Claire Hall. “Now get in to the exact nitty gritty of what that looks like in your day. Most people think these actions will take minutes but fail to complete them because they don’t give a realistic time frame to each step.” They key is realising that small actions will help reach your outcome. “It’s about constantly moving towards the goal in baby steps rather than one large and possibly overwhelming,” says Hall. Step 2: Make your goal present Hall says one simple trick to set yourself up for success, is to phrase your goal in the present tense. “If you are able to set up your goal in the present tense you are tricking your brain to believe it has already happened. Thus, it will seek out evidence to support that reality,” she explains. Step 3: Be positive Another booster is to avoid negative framing. “It is important to make [your resolution] positive, otherwise you will just attract what you don’t want. Keep it simple but inspirational so you are motivated to stay with it. Working towards something that lights you up and fills you with optimism has a far greater chance of success then striving to attain something your heart isn’t really set on.” Step 4: Focus on ‘will’ not ‘want’ It’s easy to roll out a list of things we want to change at the start of a New Year, but the key is to examine which of those desires you can and <will> do. What’s in your power to change, and how can you change it? “Focusing on the ‘wants’ instead of the ‘wills’ leads to little motivation. You may want something but unless you tell your brain what you will do to achieve it, it may stay in the ‘wants’ basket for a long time,” says Hall. Step 5: Be open to adjustment The problem with resolutions is that circumstances change. It’s impossible to foresee how your life, habits or values will shift over the course of the year, so recognise that your resolution might need fine-tuning as time goes on. It’s not a permanent fixture. Hall says to approach micro goals with an open mind. “Be sure to give room for adjustment and correction so you are constantly reassessing what is the best path for you to achieve your desires,” she says. In short, cut yourself some slack! Life changes and if you keep reassessing your resolution to make sure it’s relevant to your life, you’re on the right path to success. Related links: <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/body/2015/12/unexpected-ways-to-get-fit-for-the-new-year/">10 unexpected ways to get in shape for the New Year</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/body/2015/12/core-strengthening-exercises-at-home/">5 core strengthening exercises to try at home</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/body/2015/12/6-signs-you-need-more-sleep/">6 signs you need more sleep</a>

Body

7 cookbooks to kick start your New Year resolution

Planning a health overhaul this New Year? Kick start your resolution with one of these new healthy cookbooks. Related links: <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/entertainment/books/2015/12/childrens-books-to-read/">10 children’s books to reread as an adult</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/entertainment/books/2015/11/short-classic-novels/">10 short classic books for the weekend</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/entertainment/books/2015/11/banned-childrens-books/">8 children’s books that caused controversy</a>

Books

10 healthy New Year’s resolution ideas, and how to achieve them

Be inspired by these 10 great goals for a healthier new you this year. Goal 1: I will increase my step count 10,000 steps is the recommended amount of movement each day, but it can seem a bit daunting. Work your way up to this goal but using a pedometer to clock the number of steps you do at present, then aim to increase it by 10 per cent each week until you reach your goal. Factor in daily walks and exercise classes to help you cement tactics to achieve your resolution. Goal 2: I will cut down on sugar in my diet Refined sugar has been linked to a ton of unhealthy effects, including a mental response similar to addiction. To reduce your sugar intake, start by reordering the pantry so that healthy snacks such as unsalted almonds or fruit are within reach, or less healthy options like sugary spreads or condiments are harder to reach. Goal 3: I will put aside more ‘me’ time If looking after your mental health by prioritising meditation or mindfulness is high on your priority list this year, make sure you actually schedule in the time. Blank out 30-60 minutes each day and assign it an activity, whether it be to do a mindfulness colouring book or listen to a meditation podcast. Treat these slots of “me” time as an actual appointment, not a luxury. Goal 4: I will read more Reading is great for your mental and brain health. But saying you simply want to read more isn’t going to cut it. Be specific: what constitutes more? Now, find a way to help stay on track. Joining a book club or finding a reading buddy is a great solution to keep momentum. Goal 5: I will cook more healthy meals Rather than focus on unhealthy foods to deprive yourself of, make a list of all the healthy foods you want to introduce to your diet. The list can include anything that’s nutritious and makes your salivate- spices, fresh herbs, juices, fruit and food from other cultures can all be on the list. Keep the list on the fridge door and a copy in your wallet so when you go shopping or reach for an easy snack, you stay motivated. Goal 6: I will meet new people It can be easy to get stuck in a lifestyle rut, but meeting new people is a great way to stay social and build a support network. Think about what hobbies interest you and search for groups in your community that will allow you to drop in for one session. Try two to three until to get a feel for the vibe and people in the group, before choosing one to regularly attend. Goal 7: I will get 7-8 hours of sleep each night The first step is to do a stock take of your bedroom. Ask yourself: are there any items in this room that might inhibit sleep? The light emitted from technology has been found to impact sleep quality, so start by removing phones, laptops and tablets from your bedside table. Set up a charging space outside the bedroom and make it a tech-free zone for better shut-eye. Goal 8: I will watch less TV The average person wastes five hours per day watching television, according to a Nielson study. Something as simple as changing the room your TV is in can impact your viewing habits. Treat television time as an activity on its own, and avoid letting it play in the background while you do other tasks. Goal 9: I will cut back on alcohol Reducing alcohol consumption can improve your liver function, not to mention reduce your intake or unnecessary calories. But it can be challenging. Aim to live by the weekend treat rule and stay alcohol free on weekdays, with the allowed 2 glasses on weekends. Arm your fridge with sparkling water and opt for bitters or chopped fruit to give mocktails more appeal. Goal 10: I will learn a new language Learning a new language often appears on the annual list of the most popular New Year’s resolutions, but it can be a tricky one to follow through. Make use of language apps such as Duolingo to help set goals and reminders. The free app allows you to choose the level of difficultly and gives you daily reminders if you fall short in lessons. Related links: <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/wellbeing/2015/08/cures-from-the-kitchen-cupboard/">8 kitchen cupboard cures for common ailments</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/wellbeing/2015/09/old-wives-tale-medical-advice/">Odd medical advice your mother probably told you</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/wellbeing/2015/09/monday-music-playlist/">Catchy songs to beat the Monday blues</a>

Body

5 things to do instead of making a New Year’s Resolution

Now be honest, have you ever kept your New Year’s Resolution? Most people don’t and yet every year we continue to make these resolutions, most often to do with staying healthy and losing weight. Instead of making unrealistic resolutions, we’d do better to commit to developing healthy habits that will stick in the long run. Here are five easy habits to start following in the new year. 1. Drink more water Most people don’t drink enough water throughout the day, which is not only dehydrating but can lead to an increase urge for food. Try drinking two glasses of water before your meal to curb your appetite. 2. Eat more protein Protein not only provides an array of macronutrients (carbs, proteins, and fats), it also keeps you fuller for longer. 3. Eat more veggies Vegetables and fruits are filled with fibre, which are very filling without the calories to match. 4. Move When most people begin an exercise routine they do too much too soon and that causes people to either burnout or lose motivation. Gradually add activities into your routine before working up to a more intense exercise regime into your week. 5. Control snacking Snacking is one of the biggest culprits of weight gain so be mindful of reaching for your favourite treats. Select a few snacks to enjoy in moderation and choose wisely. Related links: <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/wellbeing/2015/08/cures-from-the-kitchen-cupboard/">8 kitchen cupboard cures for common ailments</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/wellbeing/2015/09/old-wives-tale-medical-advice/">Odd medical advice your mother probably told you</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/wellbeing/2015/09/monday-music-playlist/">Catchy songs to beat the Monday blues</a>

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