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Arguing with the people you love? How to have a healthy family dispute

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jessica-robles-617248">Jessica Robles</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/loughborough-university-1336">Loughborough University</a></em></p> <p>Unlike Britain’s royal family, most of us don’t have the option to move to another country when we don’t see eye to eye. But most of us have likely experienced disagreements with loved ones.</p> <p><a href="https://www.sscnet.ucla.edu/soc/faculty/heritage/Site/Publications_files/CA_as_SOCIAL_THEORY.pdf">Conversations are designed to</a> do things – to start some action, and complete it – whether it’s a service transaction, an invitation to coffee or reassurance on a bad day. Our <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=ZnhyDwAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=gbs_ge_summary_r&amp;cad=0#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false">uniquely complex communicative system</a> has evolved to help us get things done in the social world.</p> <p>Arguments are part of this complex system. They can be unavoidable, necessary or even productive. But they can also be difficult.</p> <p>It can be hard to know what to do when tensions are high and harsh words are flying, particularly when it involves someone you’re close to. But research on how disputes unfold – and conversation more generally – offers some ideas about the best way to handle one.</p> <h2>What is a dispute?</h2> <p>There are many words for disagreeing, and there are plenty of academic theories describing what disputes are and why they happen. But arguments are not abstract models. They’re lived in, breathed in, sweated in and talked (or sometimes shouted) into being.</p> <p>Research focusing on <a href="https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/288351315.pdf">how disputes actually happen</a> shows they’re characterised by three types of features. First are the <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0378216606000488">vocal features</a>, which include talking in a higher pitch, louder and faster. Then, there are <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1750481310395452?casa_token=MCNQWEQD6HwAAAAA:8nbyXh-cgjWzfL3syRrwybRFQl_ddHIMy9tRIAwPRAFADrgHtR2LSl9ZoUFsVlnzWPjWaKQZZ9XEVA">embodied features</a> such as aggressive gestures and avoidant stances, such as turning away from someone. Finally, there are <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/01638539009544746?casa_token=BB9edpIE1oUAAAAA:FTK-JRJ2oCmG7BufkUAQX1k1_9C1Cvc12r5ynYPM6duFB-HDWhgef8Va-Rh5Z2XksR64oTcPmi4FAQ">interactional features</a> such as talking over each other, not listening or metatalk – <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/08351813.2020.1826765?casa_token=isJl2NJbSIkAAAAA:Mh-dXMfkBSGvEeoOWAoxLDjzbZ_eF-zbND-D8q4RAP5WHadqg1KUZDF_UnySFAcyb3LD-DF3BbGq1A">comments about the conversation</a> as it’s happening.</p> <p><a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1354067X9953001?casa_token=Gje17vkyg_AAAAAA:ik_4Ze-4PIFLa6yjthOpztvJrtdVOokhRT73M8jDN4t1w0Bl7WzW2--d1vjZwanphorOH_r6jaVZdA">Displays of emotion</a> such as displeasure or anger, are also common. Participants might accuse each other of emotions or label their own emotions.</p> <p>Disputes happen for several reasons. What each person is doing can vary, from <a href="https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.530.8869&amp;rep=rep1&amp;type=pdf">complaints and accusations</a> to <a href="https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1348/014466610X500791?casa_token=r58ikQ5XFxEAAAAA:QR9wr0Fcz7q5BeSvL8soAIhKMNA1O9TcpcBaLleBKDvZ8Q5sPyX1OSg0OzSL5-xb8By5QbgNm9kHNhg">demands, threats or resistance</a>.</p> <p>They can be about many things – familial obligations, what to have for dinner, politics or how to plan a holiday. Luckily, disputes share elements <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=2NxaC7nSetAC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=gbs_atb#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false">with each other</a> and with conversation generally – so you don’t have to invent new strategies every time you’re caught in one.</p> <h2>Affiliation and alignment</h2> <p>When bickering with a friend or family member, there are ways to make them feel like you’re still on their side even if you disagree. If you can keep these in mind, and use them at the right time, you might stop your dispute from escalating into something harder to mend.</p> <p>The first thing is <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/9781405198431.wbeal0196.pub2">affiliation</a>, which means support for the other person or their view of things.</p> <p>Affiliation involves phrasing what you say so it’s best <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/08351810903471258?casa_token=yxnWxfDAEB8AAAAA:uoHEX2dlOS06wxwlHH7TOWmmfB51qMMbzg5tadx5SeRcf_5-vABUKQZtIt0Hchu4vUlFNfCX4qRi5A">understood and easier to respond to</a>. For example, saying “you’ve been to France before, right?” invites someone to share their experience – partly by including the tag “right” at the end, which at least requires a confirmation.</p> <p>It can also involve categorisation, the way we talk about or treat others as <a href="https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/BF00142771.pdf">certain types or group members</a>. For example, if you reduce the other person to a stereotype through labelling – by saying something like “girls always say stuff like that” or “OK, boomer” – you risk provoking a response to the insult, not to the action in which that insult was embedded.</p> <p>The second thing we expect from any conversation is alignment – cooperating with the direction of the conversation, such as accepting or denying a request. The opposite, disalignment, might occur when a request is ignored.</p> <p>Alignment has more to do with the sequence of the conversation, how the dispute unfolds over time. Asking for clarification – a practice known as <a href="https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0136100">repair</a> – or <a href="https://www.jbe-platform.com/content/journals/10.1075/prag.27.1.03rob?crawler=true">claiming a misunderstanding</a> can treat problems as fixable errors rather than moral failings or attacks. <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0261927X17744244">Humour can diffuse</a> conflict escalation.</p> <h2>How to have a healthy dispute</h2> <p>In the course of a dispute, you need to think about when to bring these tactics out. They’re more likely to yield better outcomes earlier in the dispute. By the time it’s escalated, your responses may be viewed through the prism of the dispute and <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?hl=en&amp;lr=&amp;id=eFSXDwAAQBAJ&amp;oi=fnd&amp;pg=PT200&amp;ots=6tM3fJnXr1&amp;sig=Zchtur1abh25W7ERN5Q49ASRaJc#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false">any offensiveness</a> you’ve already displayed toward each other. In cases like this, teasing can come across as contempt, for example, and claims to misunderstand as bad-faith mockery.</p> <p>It can feel like disputes take on a life of their own – as if the conversation uses us rather than we use it – and this is partly because conversation can seemingly take us along for the ride (consider the difficulty of turning down invitations). We invest our identities into conversations so disputes can seem to threaten us and <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216618304302?casa_token=1SbOpn_2k8MAAAAA:YQ2Yb9nt-ONsmBKmVzTCx8cfl76bS5nK6_Yd8zONBVJFdJ57vwgdBDJxsXfk0aUOhilRQAF-ABA">what we stand for</a> morally.</p> <p>This may be starker with family, whose opinions of us often matter more than friends or colleagues, for example. It’s always worth stopping to reflect on what a dispute is really for, whether what you’re saying lines up with your goals and whether taking a stand is worth it.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/159565/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jessica-robles-617248">Jessica Robles</a>, Lecturer in Social Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/loughborough-university-1336">Loughborough University</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Shutterstock </em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/arguing-with-the-people-you-love-how-to-have-a-healthy-family-dispute-159565">original article</a>.</em></p>

Family & Pets

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Heated argument between economy passengers reignites plane etiquette debate

<p>A 12-second clip of two passengers arguing on a plane has reignited the age-old debate of whether it is acceptable to recline your seat on a plane. </p> <p>The viral video which was originally posted on TikTok and then re-shared on X, has racked up over 8 million views since Thursday. </p> <p>In the video, a frustrated woman was calling out another female passenger for pushing her seat the entire flight, right after they landed. </p> <p>“The whole trip she pushed my seat,” the woman said to a male passenger seated next to the female passenger accused of kicking her seat. </p> <p>“You seen it. You know she did.”</p> <p>“I’m allowed to put my seat back," she yelled repeatedly. </p> <p>Ian Miles Cheong, the user who posted the video on X, defended the woman saying: “She’s allowed to put her seat back. You don’t get to kick it repeatedly just because you want more space.”</p> <p>A few were on the woman's side and praised her for standing up for herself. </p> <p>“You are allowed! Period! You want space in front of you instead of pushing the seat, buy a seat with extra space or get your a** to business class. Reclining was put there for a reason,” one person wrote. </p> <p>“She was patient enough to wait till flight landed," they added. </p> <p>“If the seat is reclinable, recline it,” another commented. </p> <p>"What she’s saying is right. The woman has a right to put her seat back without someone kicking it," a third agreed.</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> <p dir="ltr" lang="en">She’s allowed to put her seat back. You don’t get to kick it repeatedly just because you want more space. <a href="https://t.co/WELD7Qh4Re">pic.twitter.com/WELD7Qh4Re</a></p> <p>— Ian Miles Cheong (@stillgray) <a href="https://twitter.com/stillgray/status/1719881310351863952?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 2, 2023</a></p></blockquote> <p>However, others claimed that there was an unwritten rule that you shouldn't recline your seat, especially on a short-haul flight, adding that the recline feature should be scrapped from airplanes. </p> <p>“Putting your seat back in coach is an unspoken thing most people don’t do. It’s really the airline’s fault because they’ve made coach so cramped and tight that putting the seat back shouldn’t even be an option,” one commented. </p> <p>“Airline seats simply shouldn’t be able to recline. It intrudes on the already very little space a person has on the plane for the person behind them,” another added. </p> <p>“Really it’s the airline’s fault for cramming so many people in such a small space. They don’t call it cattle class for nothing,” a third wrote. </p> <p>One user understood both sides of the argument, and blamed the airlines for making the seats so cramped. </p> <p>"It can be annoying sometimes to be behind someone with their seat all the way, but if the airlines didn't want to allow that, it wouldn't happen," they wrote.</p> <p>"You don't kick the seat like a baby. Blame the airline, not the person doing what the airline says is fine." </p> <p><em>Images: Twitter</em></p>

Travel Trouble

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Three arguments why Just Stop Oil was right to target Van Gogh’s Sunflowers

<p>Waves of controversy were sparked recently when the Just Stop Oil activists <a href="https://edition.cnn.com/style/article/oil-protest-van-gogh-sunflower-soup-intl-scli-gbr/index.html">threw tomato soup</a> over Van Gogh’s Sunflowers at the National Gallery in London. Although the painting was behind glass <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2022/oct/14/just-stop-oil-activists-throw-soup-at-van-goghs-sunflowers">so not damaged</a>, politicians were quick to condemn their “<a href="https://twitter.com/JamesCleverly/status/1581327788388163584?s=20&amp;t=ACNnBMBQN9UNL-cxoRhrVg">attention-seeking</a>” vandalism while media commentators proclaimed that the act had “<a href="https://twitter.com/AndrewMarr9/status/1580879221656006656?s=20&amp;t=ACNnBMBQN9UNL-cxoRhrVg">lost them</a>” to the cause. </p> <p>It is perhaps with some poetic timing that I’ve just started a project that is an oral history of the <a href="https://www.royalholloway.ac.uk/research-and-teaching/departments-and-schools/geography/oral-history-of-the-environmental-movement-project/">environmental movements in the UK</a>. The aim is to contribute to a greater understanding and wider public awareness of the variety of modes of engagement with environmental issues.</p> <p>This tactic was certainly a provocative act and Van Gogh’s work is undoubtedly some of the most important artwork of modern times. However, many of these commentaries on Just Stop Oil’s actions simply just don’t hold up. </p> <p>The main critiques of the activist stunt are that it <a href="https://www.commondreams.org/news/2022/10/14/just-stop-oils-van-gogh-soup-stunt-sparks-criticism-alienating-strategy">alienates people</a> who are sympathetic to the climate cause by attacking a much-loved and important piece of art. That it smacks of <a href="https://theconversation.com/climate-change-is-too-middle-class-heres-how-to-fix-that-123231">middle-class activism</a> and is overly performative. And, finally, that it has required “<a href="https://currentlyhq.com/personal/we-need-more-climate-protests-just-not-performative-ones/">explanation</a>”, which if you have to do, you’re losing.</p> <p>While there is some truth to these critiques, I don’t buy them.</p> <p>Rather than wade further into the quagmire of social media debate, here is a breakdown of the three arguments and explanations of why I think that this kind of provocative activism deserves our unwavering support.</p> <h2>1. Art is an extension of corporate power</h2> <p>First off, museums and art galleries have long been used by fossil fuel companies for the purposes of <a href="https://www.plutobooks.com/9780745335889/artwash/">artwashing</a> – the ethically acceptable process of funding art and culture to smooth over their very unethical corporate practices. Some of the more conscientious institutions (<a href="https://www.theguardian.com/business/2018/oct/19/shells-ends-national-gallery-sponsorship-to-delight-of-campaigners">including</a> <a href="https://www.ft.com/content/c3ab1b10-ee06-4fac-abe9-1a1e4dcef39f">The National Gallery</a>) have <a href="https://news.artnet.com/art-world/bp-ends-tate-sponsorship-2017-447041#:%7E:text=Tate%20was%20forced%20to%20disclose,year%20between%201990%20and%202006.">cut ties</a>with any sponsorship from oil companies, but others have <a href="https://www.channel4.com/news/revealed-science-museum-signed-gagging-clause-with-exhibition-sponsor-shell">doubled down</a> on it.</p> <p>Art itself, through the <a href="https://qz.com/513625/the-new-reserve-currency-for-the-worlds-rich-is-not-actually-currency/">networks of global trading</a>, <a href="https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-11-02/how-do-the-rich-avoid-taxes-billionaires-use-this-art-strategy?leadSource=uverify%20wall">tax avoidance</a> and the creation of <a href="https://mitpress.mit.edu/9783956796227/">freeports</a> (huge walled complexes where art is stored away from prying eyes and tax collectors), has become <a href="https://www.plutobooks.com/9780745338248/art-after-money-money-after-art/">totally intertwined</a> with global corporate and fossil fuel capitalism. Corporations plough money into art institutions and art pieces themselves because it buys them validity in the eyes of the public. Art becomes a shield for their more nefarious planet-destroying practices.</p> <p>But the art should never be considered above, or separate from, the capitalist content behind it. Millions of treasured pieces of art are now under the purview of corporate power and have <a href="https://newrepublic.com/article/147192/modern-art-serves-rich">become windows</a> – beautiful windows no doubt, but still windows – into the shady practices of global capital and <a href="https://www.emerald.com/insight/content/doi/10.1108/JMLC-01-2021-0002/full/html?casa_token=HAd9Kr6jD2kAAAAA:37GtlbaQIbxeoQOtXExK2-OKjvog5kYNaEv94Jwy_MF1ssCHNztVGBofMoPYjqp-NMkKE5PYOPklW_nmDBelpT8QQpgo6cEAmp_vF_Ydv6DNIL8h1Q">international tax avoidance</a>. As hard as it is to stomach sometimes, art pieces, in this way, become extensions of corporate power and hence are legitimate targets of climate activism.</p> <h2>2. Fighting class oppression and climate change is the same</h2> <p>The second critique, often coming from the left, accuses climate activism of being inherently middle-class. Groups, they argue, are populated by white people and the “mess” they create (be that with soup on paintings or <a href="https://twitter.com/Taj_Ali1/status/1581332937475207169?s=20&amp;t=4ELyikRjs5qmUWZuNYYl6g">milk on supermarket floors</a>) is often cleared up by working-class cleaning staff. </p> <p>There is truth in these arguments, which are often missing from the justification of these activist practices. However, taking a more holistic approach, social and economic justice is a fundamental pillar of climate justice – you cannot have <a href="https://www.opendemocracy.net/en/oureconomy/cop26-tackling-climate-breakdown-and-delivering-economic-justice-must-go-hand-in-hand/">one without the other</a>. The Just Stop Oil activists who defaced the Van Gogh recognised these arguments in part when <a href="https://twitter.com/JustStop_Oil/status/1580883249228046336?s=20&amp;t=x0HvtkQci8bXDeUjY0EFQw">they said</a> that many people “can’t afford to even buy and heat soup because of the energy crisis”.</p> <p>“Solving” the climate crisis demands total system change. As <a href="https://theconversation.com/climate-strikes-greta-thunberg-calls-for-system-change-not-climate-change-heres-what-that-could-look-like-112891">Greta Thunberg</a> and other prominent voices have constantly said. Capitalism will not solve the problem, it only makes it worse. Capitalism has the oppression of the working class as its core engine. So, fighting against the changing climate means also fighting capitalism’s class (and indeed, racial, gendered and ableist) imbalance. The two are, and need to continue to be, one.</p> <h2>3. Direct action is important</h2> <p>Finally, some people have wheeled out the phrase “if you’re explaining yourself, you’re losing”. Again, there is a kernel of truth to that, but the severity of the climate catastrophe needs no further explanation. </p> <p>Explaining is not the point of direct action. If you need to be “won over” by the argument, then you’re clearly not doing enough. </p> <p>Just Stop Oil’s action with soup on Sunflowers was to symbolise that we’re attacking something we love. The level of ire at those symbolically ruining – remember, it was behind glass so has not be destroyed – a precious art piece should be given a million-fold to those who are actually ruining our precious planet.</p> <p>Direct climate action will only increase as the situation worsens and our governments continue to actively make things worse with new mines, fracking and new <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/business/2022/oct/07/uk-offers-new-north-sea-oil-and-gas-licences-despite-climate-concerns">oil drilling contracts</a>. <a href="https://www.versobooks.com/books/3665-how-to-blow-up-a-pipeline">Destroying pipelines</a>, <a href="https://www.insider.com/laver-cup-climate-change-activist-sets-his-arm-on-fire-on-court-2022-9">demanding an end to private jets</a> and other direct action against fossil fuel burning infrastructures are important acts in this regard. They highlight how art is also part of that infrastructure and is therefore equally vital.</p> <p>The current crop of climate activists –- Just Stop Oil, Extinction Rebellion, Insulate Britain etc – will forge their own path because that is what activists need to do to make their points heard. But for all the reasons outlined above, understanding the history (and their successes and failures) will be important to help build a coherent, united and effective climate movement. </p> <p>That cohesive movement will need art yes, but not as a conduit for the very capitalist vehicles that are destroying our beautiful planet. As Van Gogh himself said, "…it is not the language of painters but the language of nature which one should listen to, the feeling for the things themselves, for reality is more important than the feeling for pictures."</p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p> <p><em>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/three-arguments-why-just-stop-oil-was-right-to-target-van-goghs-sunflowers-192661" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>. </em></p>

Art

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“This is too serious to let go”: Name change furore divides family

<p dir="ltr">A new mother has been left fuming after finding out that her husband changed their baby’s name without her permission.</p> <p dir="ltr">The woman took to Reddit to vent her frustration and explain how she and her husband had already agreed on a name. </p> <p dir="ltr">Prior to agreeing to the name, her in-laws pressured her to name their baby son after her husband’s late brother. </p> <p dir="ltr">“After waiting for five years, I finally got pregnant with my son,” she wrote in her post. </p> <p dir="ltr">“There was so much fuss about the name choice because my in-laws wanted to use my deceased brother-in-law’s name.</p> <p dir="ltr">“My husband sided with them and insisted we go with it, but [after] seeing their obsession with it, I refused.”</p> <p dir="ltr">After suffering complications during childbirth, the new mother had to extend her stay at the hospital while her husband dealt with the papers.</p> <p dir="ltr">It was only a few weeks later when they received the birth certificate, she found that her husband had deceived her and named their son after his late brother. </p> <p dir="ltr">“When we received the birth certificate, I discovered that he put brother-in-law’s name and not the one we picked.</p> <p dir="ltr">“I lost it and had a breakdown then I shut down completely,” she said.</p> <p dir="ltr">“I stopped talking to him after telling him that I won’t speak to him until he changes the name.”</p> <p dir="ltr">She said the husband didn’t care at the beginning and even told her “good riddance” but changed his tune when she completely shut him out. </p> <p dir="ltr">“Days went by, he’s now turned to full-on begging me to speak to him over and over.</p> <p dir="ltr">“He said he had to do this otherwise his family would shun him.”</p> <p dir="ltr">Her husband tried to convince her why it was a good idea to name their son after his late brother, even giving her a paper with a list of pros.</p> <p dir="ltr">“He handed me a paper with all the ‘pros’ of keeping this name, explaining that our son will be the ‘golden grandchild’ and my in-laws will favour him over the other grandchildren because of his name.”</p> <p dir="ltr">The mother was also promised money, inheritance, a car for her newborn son but she refused to accept the name. </p> <p dir="ltr">“I don’t want my son to be my brother-in-law's surrogate,” she said.</p> <p dir="ltr">“He offered me endless nicknames, a second middle name choice but I wasn’t having it.</p> <p dir="ltr">“Eventually, he broke down crying calling me stubborn and difficult, also called me selfish, robbing our son of a good life and good future provided by his grandparents and said I was driving him crazy with my silence.</p> <p dir="ltr">“But I feel like this is too serious to let go. I’m just doing it for my son.”</p> <p dir="ltr"><em>Image: Shutterstock</em></p>

Family & Pets

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10 perfect arguments that make mask wearing a no-brainer

<p>Many people understandably feel powerless against the invisible but very real threat posed by the coronavirus. But we don’t need to resign ourselves to merely hoping it goes away.</p> <p>Wearing a face mask is one of the most powerful steps we can take – along with keeping our hands clean and maintaining social distance – to quash the spread of coronavirus in our communities, says Dr Andrew Pekosz, professor of molecular microbiology and immunology at the Johns Hopkins School of Public Health.</p> <p>“These things together provide a high degree of protection,” he notes. If you’re not already on board with masks (and 65 per cent of us are, according to a recent Pew Research Center survey), the following facts should convince you.</p> <ol> <li><strong> Masks of all types are effective</strong></li> </ol> <p>Masks unquestionably reduce the spread of droplets from the nose and mouth, says Pekosz. Researchers recently demonstrated this fact when they recorded high-speed video of people uttering a simple phrase both when wearing and not wearing cloth masks. A slightly damp washcloth prevented nearly all of the speakers’ droplets from passing through. Another study concluded that “the odds of developing an infection with a coronavirus were reduced by 78 per cent when wearing any mask.”</p> <p>Even at less than 100 per cent effectiveness, “you don’t throw up your hands,” Dr Peter Chin-Hong, an infectious disease specialist. “That’s silly. Nobody’s taking a cholesterol medicine because they’re going to prevent a heart attack 100 per cent of the time, but you’re reducing your risk substantially.”</p> <ol start="2"> <li><strong> Coronavirus stats are lower where masks are required</strong></li> </ol> <p>A recent study compared death rates in countries where people were required to wear masks with those in countries where masks were optional, and the differences were stark. The mortality rate increased by an average of 43 per cent weekly in countries where people were not required to wear masks, compared with a 2.8 per cent increase in countries where people were wearing masks.</p> <p>In the United States, similar disparities have been seen. In a review of the first 15 states to require masks in public (between April 8 and May 5), researchers found “a significant decline” in the daily growth of cases once masks were mandated, and the effect increased each day after the orders were signed. The researchers concluded that up to 450,000 cases may have been averted due to these mandates by May 22.</p> <ol start="3"> <li><strong> Masks prevent transmission from people who don’t know they’re sick</strong></li> </ol> <p>It takes an average of five days (but sometimes as long as 14 days) for people infected with COVID-19 to show symptoms. In addition, up to 18 per cent of people who have the virus never develop symptoms at all but can still pass it on to others, according to an article from the BBC. In fact, nearly half of all people who develop COVID-19 are infected by people who do not show any symptoms.</p> <p>If those asymptomatic people had worn masks – even though they felt fine – they could have prevented this transmission, Pekosz says. “That’s part of our critical defence against this virus,” he explains. “It’s people spreading this virus before they show symptoms who are really driving this infection.” Researchers still don’t understand why some people remain asymptomatic while others develop full-blown symptoms. That’s just one of the coronavirus mysteries that still can’t be explained.<strong> </strong></p> <ol start="4"> <li><strong> Wearing masks could help the economy</strong></li> </ol> <p>A study by the financial firm Goldman Sachs estimates that up to 25 per cent more people would wear masks if governments introduced a national mask mandate. That, in turn, would substantially reduce the rate of infection growth, allowing businesses to remain open and saving 5 per cent of the gross domestic product.</p> <p>Wearing masks would also protect the people who work in those businesses, thereby helping their community thrive.<strong> </strong></p> <ol start="5"> <li><strong> If we all wore masks, kids’ schooling may not be as disrupted</strong></li> </ol> <p>Educators, parents, and students largely agree that the remote-learning options most schools put into place earlier this year have been fundamentally disastrous, especially for disadvantaged students. Learning and social skills have fallen by the wayside, while parents scramble to juggle their own work-from-home schedules with those of their kids, and teachers adapt to new methods of instruction.</p> <p>“If you can control the spread of the virus in the community, then schools can be opened up in ways that allow kids back in the classroom and allow them to have interactions with their teacher and peers, and go forwards in some way,” Pekosz says. One thing is certain, though: Education won’t be the same.<strong> </strong></p> <ol start="6"> <li><strong> Masks protect people with underlying conditions</strong></li> </ol> <p>The teenager working on the supermarket checkout might have Type 1 diabetes. The toddler on the bus might have a heart defect. The man in line in front of you might be caring for his wife who has MS. The truth is, more than half the people you encounter on a daily basis probably have an invisible underlying condition, such as high blood pressure or diabetes. A Canadian study found that 54 per cent of workers do. And the evidence is clear that people with underlying conditions are at the highest risk for severe complications from the coronavirus. Managing a chronic illness is difficult enough in the best of times. We can extend kindness by not making it harder. Donning a mask in public keeps everyone safe.<strong> </strong></p> <ol start="7"> <li><strong> Masks are an easy, low-tech preventive measure until we have a vaccine</strong></li> </ol> <p>Until a vaccine for the novel coronavirus becomes available, our only options for prevention are handwashing, physical distancing, and wearing masks. Even when a vaccine has been tested and determined to be both safe and effective, it will take some time before it’s widely available. “Even if you just focus on the United States, you’re talking about immunising 300 million people. It may be that these vaccines are going to need two doses to work – an initial shot and a booster dose. That’s an awful lot of vaccinations that have to take place to get a large percentage of the population immunised,” says Pekosz. “This won’t be a light switch. It will be a process, based on the logistics.”<strong> </strong></p> <ol start="8"> <li><strong> Masking up is a moral issue, not a political one</strong></li> </ol> <p>The Right and Left on the political spectrum alike endorse wearing masks in public were community have spikes in infections. Even those who initially resisted wearing them now are doing so. One American commentator Karen Hughes, wrote in an op-ed that not wearing a mask is “an incredibly selfish act that puts other people’s lives at risk. Like yelling ‘fire!’ in a packed theatre or brandishing a loaded gun in a crowd, failing to don a mask greatly increases the risk that one person will endanger others.”</p> <p>And wearing a mask doesn’t infringe on individual liberty any more than wearing a seat belt in the car or refraining from smoking in public places does. “There are limitations we accept to avoid hurting people in our community,” says Jeremy Howard, distinguished research scientist and founder of #Masks4All. “It’s reasonable, kind, and respectful to take some actions to reduce the risk of hurting others.”<strong> </strong></p> <ol start="9"> <li><strong> Wearing a mask is a sign of strength</strong></li> </ol> <p>Men are more likely than women to believe that “wearing a face covering is shameful, not cool, a sign of weakness, and a stigma,” according to recent research. Howard emphatically disagrees with that perception. “Wearing a mask is a strong behaviour,” he says. “It actually takes strength to do something that is awkward and uncomfortable to protect jobs, protect the economy, protect lives. Weak people take the easy way out – they’re too scared to do something that’s new or different.”<strong> </strong></p> <ol start="10"> <li><strong> Masks can serve other purposes</strong></li> </ol> <p>Masks have come to the rescue on more than one occasion, like when a cold sore or pimple pops up. Thanks to the mask, no one need ever know it’s there. Ditto that for hiding an uncontrollable smirk in a serious discussion and for keeping your coffee breath to yourself. You’ll also save money on lipstick, since there’s no need to make up the bottom half of your face. And finally, masks are available in such a wide range of designs that there’s sure to be one that expresses your sense of fashion, your personality, or your viewpoint.</p> <p><em>Written by Laurie Budgar. This article first appeared on </em><em><a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/healthsmart/10-facts-that-will-convince-you-to-wear-a-face-mask">Reader’s Digest</a>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, <a href="http://readersdigest.co.nz/subscribe">here’s our best subscription offer</a>.</em></p>

Caring

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Woman shot dead over argument about dog poo

<p><span>A 21-year-old woman has died after a neighbour allegedly shot at her and her boyfriend while they were walking their dog.</span></p> <p><span>Isabella Thallas and Darian Simon were strolling through Downtown Denver, in the US state of Colorado, on June 10 when Michael Close allegedly became furious as their dog relieved itself.</span></p> <p><span>The shooting took place after a man began to yell at Simon for commanding the dog “to poop,” said police. Close was arrested and taken into custody in Park County.</span></p> <p><span>Ms Thallas died at the scene and Mr Simon is currently recovering in hospital after being shot in the leg and butt, according to authorities.</span></p> <p><span>A GoFundMe page has been set up for Thallas family because her mother, Ana Thallas, has been on furlough and unable to work.</span></p> <p><span>“The family needs our help with funeral and living expenses,” the GoFundMe, set up by a friend of the family, says.</span></p> <p><span>“A mother should never have to bury her child and especially for such a violent reason.”</span></p> <p><span>“She was such a beautiful, innocent soul,” her mother Ana Thallas said according to the Associated Press.</span><br /><span>Her father, Josh Thallas, said his heart was broken.</span></p> <p><span>“I’ve never gone to sleep crying and woke up crying in my life. I’ve been through a lot,” Mr Thallas said.</span><br /><span>“I can’t replace what was taken today.”</span></p> <p><span>Ms Thallas had turned 21 just days before her death.</span></p> <p><span>A GoFundMe has also been set up to help Mr Simon, who is the co-founder and co-owner of Be A Good Person, a brand “developed based on a passion for positivity and a brighter future that we foresee within our society”.</span></p> <p><span>His team is “completely shattered”, according to the statement posted on the website.</span></p> <p><span>On June 12, Be A Good Person announced their store would be closed temporarily, while thanking the Denver community for its support.</span></p> <p><span>“We are overwhelmed in the face of tragedy. But we see you rallying in support, we hear you sending love, and we thank you,” the post said.</span></p> <p><span>“Our deepest condolences go out to the Thallas family. A beautiful soul was lost too soon. We are hurting with you.”</span></p> <p><span>The Thallas family has said they are seeking to convert the spot where Isabella Thallas died into a dog park.</span></p> <p><span>More than 100 people showed up for a vigil to remember Ms Thallas, while Mr Simon watched the vigil from his hospital bed through Facetime, according to ABC7.</span></p> <p><span>According to ABC7, police allegedly found an AR-15 and a handgun Close’s vehicle. He is facing first-degree murder and attempted murder charges.</span></p>

Family & Pets

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How to end an argument fast

<p><span>Ever been in a heated discussion that just wouldn’t cease? Sometimes, no matter how hard you try in getting your points across and providing facts to back them up, the other person simply refuses to acknowledge them. However, there’s a simple trick that could put a stop to the winding debate you find yourself in.</span></p> <p><span>According to Reddit user <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/dt9ve0/lpt_saying_fair_enough_is_the_quickest_way_to_end/">u/nfhii</a>, there is a fitting response that could stop uncomfortable conversations in their tracks: “Fair enough.”</span></p> <p><span>The line is especially suitable for when you could see the other person’s reasoning or how they get to the point they’re making. It does not necessarily resolve the argument, but it allows you to move on in a peaceable way. </span></p> <p><span>User <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/dt9ve0/lpt_saying_fair_enough_is_the_quickest_way_to_end/f6w4zdv/">u/kyithios</a> summed it up: “Context and tone matters. When I say "fair enough" to friends when discussing something, it’s usually to denote I get their point. I may not necessarily agree with said point, but I get what they mean. As a result, we can move forward with a conversation or even change the subject without making things awkward, or someone angry.</span></p> <p><span>“In short, it’s just an acknowledgement of an argument, and understanding of it.”</span></p> <p><span>What about when the opposing party is wrong and far from fair? Saying “agree to disagree” suggests that more discussion is not going to change either of your minds and helps you out without having to concede to their view.</span></p>

Relationships

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How to make excellent arguments

<p>From as early as Grade 3 teachers start teaching children how to put across their own points of view. It’s not about winning arguments, but ensuring kids grow up to be <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/0260137032000138158">thoughtful and engaged citizens</a>. These skills might come in to play at school in essay writing, in oral presentations or in debates.</p> <p>And whether we’re talking about making arguments for in life, there are three things present in all good arguments.</p> <p><strong>1. Reasonability</strong></p> <p>Reasonability is about connecting reasons and evidence to your opinions. This serves two purposes.</p> <p>The first is for our own clarity of thought, so we understand how concepts and events relate to each other (or realise when they don’t).</p> <p>The second is so others can assess our reasons. We need to respect the person we’re arguing with and that means giving them the opportunity to agree or disagree with our reasoning. Without this, we’re tricking people into agreeing with us.</p> <p>One shortcoming in the <a href="https://www.australiancurriculum.edu.au/f-10-curriculum/english/?strand=Language&amp;strand=Literature&amp;strand=Literacy&amp;capability=ignore&amp;priority=ignore&amp;year=11581&amp;elaborations=true&amp;cd=ACELA1536&amp;searchTerm=Modality#dimension-content">Australian Curriculum</a> is that it asks students to write persuasively, by using <a href="http://docs.acara.edu.au/curriculum/worksamples/Year_9_English_Portfolio_Below.pdf">emotive language</a>. We should be teaching our students to provide the reasoning behind their opinion as well as backing it up with evidence, not to manipulate emotions.</p> <p>So if students are asked to write a persuasive essay against same-sex marriage in Australia, for example, it’s not enough to assert an opinion such as “it’s bad for public morals”. They need to say which morals, how the public would suffer, and present any historical or contemporary evidence to support this claim. An argument needs to have reasoning to make it reasonable.</p> <p><strong>2. Charity</strong></p> <p>Charity is one of the most overlooked aspects of debating, which is ironic considering many prominent philosophers, including <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/heyj.12009">Thomas Aquinas</a>, <a href="https://eet.pixel-online.org/files/etranslation/original/Mill,%20On%20Liberty.pdf">John Stuart Mill</a> and <a href="https://www.earlymoderntexts.com/assets/pdfs/hume1751.pdf">David Hume</a>, saw it as as the highest of virtues. In the context of argumentation, charity means looking past the text of what someone is saying to see the heart of their issue.</p> <p>We’ve probably all enjoyed watching our opponent struggle to articulate their points or deconstruct arguments (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AioJbNL1JS8">President George W. Bush was famous for these gaffes</a>), but doing this serves no purpose but to humiliate.</p> <p>We all fail to make our arguments clear and coherent from time to time, and we need to be generous when interpreting what’s being said. If we approach all people as having worthwhile ideas that might just not be fully developed or expressed, we’ll not only reveal clearer ideas but also make everyone feel valued. And making people feel valued isn’t touchy-feely nonsense – there are <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/1467-9256.12069">demonstrable benefits to learning and democracies</a> when we feel our contributions matter.</p> <p>Say another student has done an oral assignment on the dangers of migrants in Australia – of them supposedly taking jobs or causing fights. This may be a racist argument but a more charitable interpretation might lead the listener to take a look at the job security of the debater’s family or their experiences of safety. Their conclusion may be entirely false, but it’s worth looking into whether there are underlying reasons for their argument. Our charity here brings knowledge rather than conflict.</p> <p><strong>3. Fallibility</strong></p> <p>It’s a struggle for anyone – child or adult – to admit they don’t know the answer. But the willingness to be wrong is crucial to learning. We improve our ability to find solutions when we recognise that we might be wrong or limited in our point of view.</p> <p>There are several major benefits in recognising our own fallibility.</p> <p>The first is in learning; children are far more likely to <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1002/pits.10092">be willing to try and participate</a> if there’s no need for them to get it perfect the first time round. <a href="https://s3.amazonaws.com/academia.edu.documents/46412880/Exploring_transformative_learning_and_th20160612-12330-c3kvju.pdf?response-content-disposition=inline%3B%20filename%3DExploring_Transformative_learning_and_th.pdf&amp;X-Amz-Algorithm=AWS4-HMAC-SHA256&amp;X-Amz-Credential=AKIAIWOWYYGZ2Y53UL3A%2F20190822%2Fus-east-1%2Fs3%2Faws4_request&amp;X-Amz-Date=20190822T014719Z&amp;X-Amz-Expires=3600&amp;X-Amz-SignedHeaders=host&amp;X-Amz-Signature=14bb04b603f483a9af8462714a41fad2e76efef7bf051ed6eb40c7685e6d1dac">Failure and learning are linked</a></p> <p>The second benefit is we engage in <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11245-015-9307-6">more meaningful inquiry</a> <a href="https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/s11229-012-0062-6.pdf">if we don’t treat any one argument or perspective</a> as objectively correct.</p> <p>Imagine a school debate on “students shouldn’t have to do homework”. Children aren’t going to be in favour of homework and they’re going to struggle to find reasons in favour of it. At the same time, it’s the perfect topic to separate how they feel (I hate homework) from the practical benefits of doing homework (revision and improved retention).</p> <p>Students don’t need to change their minds and come to love homework. But having them recognise the limitations of their own perspectives is valuable.</p> <p><strong>Try this out</strong></p> <p>A fun way to try this out in the classroom is through a “fishbowl” exercise.</p> <p>This involves having some of the students sit in a circle and discuss a contentious ethical topic. The other half of students sit in a larger circle around them. Their task is to individually analyse the arguments of a specific student and look for fallacies.</p> <p>The outer ring gets the chance to critique the inner ring for their reasoning. After this, the inner ring gets the chance to critique the outer ring for charity.</p> <p>Throughout this, students develop a willingness to be wrong when they discover everyone makes mistakes. Genuine inquiry, reasonableness and open-mindedness become more important than score-keeping.</p> <p>It’s perfectly acceptable to want to win and to be heard. But we want to teach our kids inquiry and making everyone feel valued is more important than winning. After all, we can win and still be wrong.</p> <p><em>Written by Luke Zaphir. Republished with permission of <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-to-make-good-arguments-at-school-and-everywhere-else-121305">The Conversation.</a> </em></p> <p> </p>

Legal

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7 tips for arguing with someone who is "always right"

<div id="page1" class="slide-show"> <div id="test" class="slide"> <div class="slide-description"> <p>We’ve all been there: in the middle of an argument it suddenly dawns on you that, no matter what you say or do, your opponent is going to take the win. Not because they’ve used reason and logic to secure their triumph but because they have an insatiable need to Always. Be. Right.</p> <p>It can be incredibly frustrating to enter into an argument with a person like this, but this character flaw can be managed. Remember, a person’s constant need to be right is most certainly masking their desperate fear of being wrong, and in the end, that fear is driving them to prevail by any means necessary. Try these tips to make these arguments and conflicts as painless as possible.</p> <div class="at-below-post addthis_tool" data-url="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/7-tips-arguing-someone-who-always-right/"><strong>Stay strong but stay calm</strong></div> </div> </div> </div> <div id="page2" class="slide-show"> <div id="test" class="slide"> <div class="slide-description"> <p>It’s important to maintain your confidence if you truly feel you have a strong position. However, allowing emotion to enter the equation is almost always a recipe for disaster – because this tends to be seen as weakness by your challenger. Those that feel they are “always right” often pride themselves on being extremely rational. Be firm in your stance but never angry or desperate. A clear head and a steady tone will get you a lot further every time.</p> </div> </div> </div> <div data-fuse="21833175956"><strong>Qualify each point with evidence</strong></div> <div id="page3" class="slide-show"> <div id="test" class="slide"> <div class="slide-description"> <p>Your rival will be intent on breaking down your argument, so make sure you can give clear evidence for each point you make. It can be pretty difficult to tear down a well-structured defence. This means you’ll need to be prepared for the pending confrontation. Ultimately, this isn’t always possible, of course, because arguments pop up at the most inopportune times, but do your best to be prepared in any case.</p> </div> </div> </div> <div id="page4" class="slide-show"> <div id="test" class="slide"> <div class="slide-title"><strong>Present facts rather than opinions</strong></div> <div class="slide-description"> <p>Opinions are great, but they lack power during a conflict. While how you feel is certainly valid, it is not the best technique for winning an argument. Try facts that cannot be disputed. Alternatively, you can ask for facts or proof from your challenger. Statistics and case studies might be a little bit of overkill but try to present some seriously strong data to win your case. Be warned, though, that even with a mountain of legitimate data, your adversary may still decide they’ve come out on top.</p> </div> </div> </div> <div data-fuse="21833175500"><strong>Pick your battles</strong></div> <div id="page5" class="slide-show"> <div id="test" class="slide"> <div class="slide-description"> <p>If you feel your battle has become hopeless you might want to move on. For example, if you’re arguing with your work buddy over who’s the best football player of all time, there’s likely never going to be a resolution. There are too many ways to stack the deck for your player of choice. Instead, you may want to skip that argument and concentrate on things that, although might seem a little more mundane, really do affect your day-to-day life.</p> <div class="at-below-post addthis_tool" data-url="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/7-tips-arguing-someone-who-always-right/"><strong>Avoid sarcasm</strong></div> </div> </div> </div> <div id="page6" class="slide-show"> <div id="test" class="slide"> <div class="slide-description"> <p>Sarcasm is widely considered the lowest form of humour, and is often used to hurt or insult someone. It can be easy to resort to sarcasm during an argument but it doesn’t often strengthen your case. Sarcasm will only make you seem petty and contrary. Take the high road in any encounter you may have. You feel better for it, at the very least.</p> </div> </div> </div> <div id="page7" class="slide-show"> <div id="test" class="slide"> <div class="slide-title"><strong>Consider alternatives</strong></div> <div class="slide-description"> <p>Just because your opponent always thinks they are right, does not mean they are always wrong. The truth is, they may occasionally be on the winning side. Consider their point of view for a moment. Could they truly be correct this time? Has their penchant for never backing down caused you to become so defensive in their presence that you can no longer see the other side? Take a minute to explore the dark side and you might be surprised at what you discover.</p> <div class="at-below-post addthis_tool" data-url="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/7-tips-arguing-someone-who-always-right/"><strong>Live to fight another day</strong></div> </div> </div> </div> <div id="page8" class="slide-show"> <div id="test" class="slide"> <div class="slide-description"> <p>Walk away, because winning this one just might not be worth all the strife. Take your energy out of a losing battle and conserve it for another time. Don’t feel bad about conceding even if you feel you still have a horse in the race. After all, what does one really gain by arguing with someone who fails to see the legitimacy in the ideas and opinions of others? Take a step back and ask yourself if the outcome of the argument, wherever the victory falls, will really make any difference to you, at all.</p> <p><em>Written by <span>Shanell Mouland</span>. This article first appeared in </em><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/7-tips-arguing-someone-who-always-right/" target="_blank"><em>Reader’s Digest</em></a><em>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, </em><a href="http://readersdigest.innovations.co.nz/c/readersdigestemailsubscribe?utm_source=over60&amp;utm_medium=articles&amp;utm_campaign=RDSUB&amp;keycode=WRN93V"><em>here’s our best subscription offer.</em></a></p> </div> </div> </div> <p><img style="width: 100px !important; height: 100px !important;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7820640/1.png" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/f30947086c8e47b89cb076eb5bb9b3e2" /></p>

Relationships

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3 key steps to a healthy argument

<p><span>Conflict is an inevitable part of being in a relationship. Studies have shown that having fights is normal and healthy, even for the happiest couples. “The biggest mistake that couples make is avoidance,” Joseph Grenny, co-author of <em>Crucial Conversations </em>told the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/feb/13/couples-who-argue-together-stay-together-research-finds"><em>Guardian</em></a>. </span></p> <p><span>“We tend to avoid these conversations because we are conscious of the risks of speaking up, but unconscious of the risks of not speaking up … without considering the longer-term costs to intimacy, trust and connection.”</span></p> <p><span>So, if fights are necessary for a healthy, thriving relationship, how can we best proceed to fight without creating serious rifts? Here are three tips that experts recommend.</span></p> <p><strong><span>1. Avoid labels and accusations</span></strong></p> <p><span>In the heat of the fight, it can be tempting to resort to labels and sweeping statements like “you’re lazy” or “you always do this”. However, these fleeting words can cause lasting damage.</span></p> <p><span>“Usually we say these things because we think we are having <em>no</em> impact,” said Sue Johnson, <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hold-me-tight/201002/what-every-couple-needs-know-about-fighting?collection=1077717">clinical psychologist</a> and author of <em>Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. </em>“The trouble is, this kind of label wounds your partner. In fact, our brain registers this kind of hostile criticism in the same area as it does physical pain. Your partner also becomes so busy dealing with this pain that he or she cannot listen to you at all.”</span></p> <p><span>When you’re on the receiving end of these unkind retorts, do not react. Recognise them as a bait that is designed to make you angry and tune it out. Clinical psychologist Deborah Grody told <a href="http://time.com/5402188/how-to-fight-healthy-partner/"><em>TIME</em></a> that when this occurs, the best thing couples can do is to take a timeout and return to the conversation once both parties have cooled down.</span></p> <p><strong><span>2. Listen and ask for clarification</span></strong></p> <p><span>It’s easier said than done but being curious and listening to your partner well when they voice their concerns can truly help nurture growth and connection. </span></p> <p><span>Grody advises against interrupting your partner mid-sentence – if there is something you don’t quite understand, wait until they finish speaking and then ask for a clarification afterwards. </span></p> <p><span>For example, asking “What makes you feel like I’m not doing my part around the house?” is a more respectful and empathetic thing to do for your partner rather than saying, “Well, I’ve already done my part, so you should acknowledge that.”</span></p> <p><span>Go into the discussion with the intention of understanding the other instead of being right and/or winning the argument.</span></p> <p><strong><span>3. Make requests</span></strong></p> <p><span>There are many ways to air your grievances, but some might be better than the others. Common methods, like complaints (“I’m the only one doing the housework around here”) and sarcastic statements (“That’s okay, I have <em>a lot of time </em>to clean the house anyway”) often only result in pent-up frustration and hostile environment. Meanwhile. threats or ultimatums might get you what you want in the short-term but will chip away the foundation of your relationship. </span></p> <p><span>Be proactive and express what you need from your loved one. Direct requests will give your partner some idea on the ways they can meet your needs.</span></p> <p><span>Do you have any tips on having “healthy” fights in a relationship? Share your thoughts in the comments.</span></p>

Relationships

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5 arguments couples always have on holidays

<p>Isn’t it funny how someone that you love so much can also drive you completely crazy? Add the fact that you’re away from home, tired and possibly emotional and it’s easy to see how these little ‘discussions’ can quickly escalate.</p> <p>Not only is it common to have small arguments about petty things, it’s also completely normal. Nearly all couples will be able to relate to these (and we’ve got some tips for how to diffuse the situation).</p> <p><strong>1. What time should we leave for the airport?</strong></p> <p>Preparation for a trip is a key source of stress. Who has the passports? What time should we leave for the airport? If you have differing views of how to manage the details of your trip it can be helpful to allow one partner to be the ‘trip boss’ and make the decisions (and hold onto the tickets) for the duration of the holiday.</p> <p><strong>2. Unpack first or hit the beach?</strong></p> <p>There’s often one partner that wants to settle in, check out the room, unpack their clothes and pop their toiletries away. Then there’s the other who wants to dump the bags and hit the pool bar. As with many arguments, an element of compromise may be in order here. Can you drop the bags off, unpack a few key items and then head out? Find a happy middle ground for everyone.</p> <p><strong>3. No, I don’t need suncream</strong></p> <p>Why oh why do people hit sunny climes and decide they are immune to UV rays? Getting seriously sunburnt at the start of the holiday can be a massive downer for the rest of the trip. The application of sun cream and the wearing of hats should be a non-negotiable, no matter your age.</p> <p><strong>4. Air-con levels</strong></p> <p>You might have gone somewhere with a different climate to home, and all of a sudden, your partner wants the air conditioner set to Arctic levels. Meanwhile you’re shivering under two doonas with your bed socks on. Try agreeing on a comfortable temperature to aim for and stick to that (no secret button pressing, OK?). Or allow the cool breeze until a certain time, after which regular temperatures will be returned.</p> <p><strong>5. Making the most of the all-inclusive package</strong></p> <p>What if only one of you want to booze the night away (to get your money’s worth) at the free bar that you paid good money for? While it’s all fun and games to have a few drinks, if it means the next day will be spent in bed, hungover, that can put a dampener on things for the non-boozy partner. Try to be considerate of each other while also allowing your partner some space to do their own thing. Perhaps the dry partner can plan a day out sightseeing or shopping the next day on their own while the other sleeps it off? You might also try suggesting that the night out is to be just that – one night.</p> <p>Have you ever had a big bust up on holidays? Were you able to make a recovery and still enjoy your trip? We would love to hear your stories in the comments.</p>

Relationships

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This 350-year-old trick will let you change anyone’s mind

<p>There’s nothing more frustrating than being stuck in a heated debate with someone and seeming as though you can’t make any headway, despite the legitimacy of your argument. This classic situation usually ends in tears for both parties.</p> <p>But there’s another way.</p> <p>17th century French philosopher, inventor, physicist and mathematician Blaise Pascal developed a handy trick for getting on the right side of arguments in his book Pensees:</p> <p>“When we wish to correct with advantage, and to show another that he errs, we must notice from what side he views the matter, for on that side it is usually true, and admit that truth to him, but reveal to him the side on which it is false. He is satisfied with that, for he sees that he was not mistaken, and that he only failed to see all sides,” Pascal wrote.</p> <p>“Now, no one is offended at not seeing everything; but one does not like to be mistaken, and that perhaps arises from the fact that man naturally cannot see everything, and that naturally he cannot err in the side he looks at, since the perceptions of our senses are always true.”</p> <p>To put this in common terms, what Pascal is saying is that if you want to tell someone they are wrong, what you first must do is tell them that they are right.</p> <p>Changing someone’s mind about something is easier if you point out the parts of their argument that are correct, before pointing out the elements that are wrong. This removes a layer of defensiveness from most people.</p> <p>“People are generally better persuaded by the reasons which they have themselves discovered than by those which have come into the mind of others,” Pascal wrote.</p> <p>Arthur Marman, psychology professor at The University of Texas at Austin, believes this 350-year-old advice couldn’t be more relevant in today’s world.</p> <p>“One of the first things you have to do to give someone permission to change their mind, is to lower their defences and prevent them from digging their heels in to the position they already staked out,” Marman told <em>SBS</em>.</p> <p>“If I immediately start to tell you all the ways in which you’re wrong, there’s no incentive for you to co-operate. But if I start by saying, ‘Ah yeah, you made a couple of really good points here, I think these are important issues,’ now you’re giving the other party a reason to want to co-operate as part of the exchange. And that gives you a chance to give voice your own concerns about their position in a way that allows co-operation.”</p> <p>Do you think this advice is worth a try? </p>

Mind

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How happy couples handle arguments

<p>Arguments are a part of life, but they don’t have to spell the end of a relationship. Follow these tactics from happy couples and learn to fight smart.</p> <p><strong>They listen to each other</strong></p> <p>Communication is the key to a happy relationship at the best of times, but it becomes even more important during an argument. Take time to genuinely listen to what the other person is saying and hear their point of view, rather than just waiting for your turn to speak again. Arguments quickly become worse when it is just two people yelling at each other without ever really listening. Take things slow, take turns and remember that everyone has a right to speak.</p> <p><strong>They don’t run from it</strong></p> <p>On the face of it, it might seem like avoiding arguments altogether is the best course of action. Not so. Leaving an issue to fester, unspoken, inevitably makes it worse. Rather than running from a fight, sit down with your partner and talk it through in a reasonable manner. That way, you will be able to come to some sort of resolution instead of just privately stewing over an issue. It's only a matter of time before it blows up in your face.</p> <p><strong>They attack the problem not the person</strong></p> <p>There’s a big difference between being angry at a person and being angry at their behaviour, and it’s important to keep a clear distinction. Remember that you and your partner are a team, not on opposing sides. Just because you disagree over something, no matter how large or small, doesn't change that. If a problem arises, you are better off focusing on how you can tackle it together instead of attacking the other person directly.</p> <p><strong>They think about the big picture</strong></p> <p>It’s only natural to want to win a fight, but what you should really be focusing on is letting the relationship win overall. It can be easy to get caught up in the minutiae of an argument, focusing on the little details and tiny slights you think have been delivered. But take a moment and see the bigger picture – do you want this relationship to end? If the answer is no, then you need to see this fight for what it is: a bump in the road that you can overcome together.</p> <p><strong>They don’t get nasty</strong></p> <p>This should go without saying but, sadly, it doesn’t. At no point do happy couples resort to name calling, threatening language, out of control yelling or physical violence. Don’t say something you can’t take back or that you will ultimately regret. Remember that, above all, you love each other and you want to be together.</p> <p>How do you handle arguments with your partner?</p>

Relationships

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How to disagree agreeably

<p>A disagreement doesn’t have to devolve into an unsightly argument. Here’s how to disagree with respect.</p> <p><strong>1. Be calm</strong></p> <p>This is the most important thing you can do in a situation like this. A disagreement, even a simple one, can quickly cause emotions to become charged. That’s when you will start yelling, levelling insults and generally getting worked up. Take a deep breath, clear your mind and focus on what it is you want to say.</p> <p><strong>2. Stick to the facts</strong></p> <p>A respectful disagreement is one that focuses on logic, not emotion. Place your emphasis on reasoning and facts rather than straying into subjective territory. You will also need to make sure your facts are correct, so be wary of taking someone to task on rumours or hearsay.</p> <p><strong>3. Be respectful</strong></p> <p>A disagreement is never one sided, so you will need to listen to the other person’s side of the story. If they feel that you are genuinely listening to them and hearing their opinion, they will be more likely to think favourably of your argument. And it goes without saying that yelling, threats and foul language are always off limits.</p> <p><strong>4. Use “I” rather than “you”</strong></p> <p>A simple language trick will prevent you from sounding too accusatory and confrontational. Try saying “I feel hurt when…” instead of saying “You hurt me when…” This should prevent the other person from being on the defensive while still allowing you to express how you feel.</p> <p><strong>5. Don't try to win</strong></p> <p>The aim here should be to clear the air and reach a mutually agreeable resolution, not to score points. Try to focus on understanding what the other person has to say and getting your point across clearly. That way, you can clear the air and everyone can move forward feeling happy with the resolution.</p> <p><strong>6. Pick your battles</strong></p> <p>Disagreement is a part of life, so don’t feel the need to go into battle every time you have a difference of opinion. Take stock and decide if this issue is something that you really care about or if it would be easier for everyone if you just let it go. Sometimes silence is the best option for everyone.</p> <p>How do you handle disagreements with respect? Share your advice in the comments below.</p> <p><em><strong>Looking for love – or perhaps you just want to meet some new people? <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://ad.doubleclick.net/ddm/clk/301420739;128433504;u" target="_blank">Why not sign up at RSVP today by clicking here… You never know who is just around the corner.</a></span></strong></em></p>

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Exasperated toddler scolds dad for leaving toilet seat up

<p>The hilarious moment an exasperated toddler told her dad off for leaving the toilet seat up (again) has been captured on camera by the amused father.</p> <p>Three-year-old Bradlee Rae Hayes is fed up her father Jeremiah not putting the toilet seat down “for the girls”.</p> <p>She isn’t afraid to give him a piece of her mind, telling him in no uncertain terms: “How many times do I have to tell you when you put the seat up and I tell you to put it down? Why do you keep doing that?”</p> <p>Jeremiah, from Texas, USA, says: “Bradlee Rae is always giving me an earful about the toilet seat. This is her down to a T, as she is always letting me know when I am slacking. If I am not doing my job as a dad properly she isn't afraid to let me know. Especially when it comes to putting the toilet seat down.”</p> <p>But he adds, “Despite her recriminations, I will stand firm for all men in the great debate of whether or not to put the seat down.”</p> <p>Have you ever been “bested” in an argument with your grandchildren? Share the moment with us in the comments below. </p> <p><strong>Related links; </strong></p> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="/lifestyle/family-pets/2016/08/the-importance-of-family-gatherings/"><em>The importance of family gatherings</em></a></strong></span></p> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="/lifestyle/family-pets/2016/08/remembering-the-1960s/"><em>A walk down memory lane: Growing up in the 1960s</em></a></strong></span></p> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="/lifestyle/family-pets/2016/08/lessons-i-learnt-from-my-grandmother/"><em>21 lessons I learnt from my grandmother</em></a></strong></span></p>

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