9 common behaviours that are subtly sabotaging your relationship
<h2>Making your mobile phone the top priority</h2>
<p>We live in a culture where we’re constantly checking our mobile phones. But, this obsession comes at a cost, and the casualty of a technology obsession can be your personal relationship. “The most prevalent habit that sinks relationships is keeping your mobile phone on, and looking at it every time it makes a noise while you’re with your partner,” says psychiatrist, Dr Carole Lieberman. “Answering your phone is even worse than just looking at text messages or emails, and this tells your partner that they are not as important as whoever else is trying to reach you.” Dr Lieberman says a solution is to turn off your phone when you’re having dinner, being intimate, or doing anything else where your partner expects your full attention.</p>
<h2>Being jealous</h2>
<p>Jealousy within relationships typically comes down to fear of abandonment and not feeling good enough, says psychologist, Dr Michele Kerulis. “Jealousy can stem from insecurity, lack of trust, fear of betrayal, low confidence, and can linger from past relationships and life experiences,” Dr Kerulis says. To smooth over a situation, she suggests talking to your partner about your feelings and concerns. “Take the time to have a conversation with your partner about specific situations that made you feel jealous and explain why you believe you felt that way,” suggests Dr Kerulis. “If you see patterns of feeling jealous throughout your life, whether it is within romantic relationships, friendships, or with family members, it is a good idea to talk with a counsellor to process your feelings and to get a better understanding of why jealousy plays a role in your life.”</p>
<h2>Nagging and complaining</h2>
<p>A nagging mate can quickly create tension and division. “I suggest practising the art of holding your tongue, prioritising, and considering your approach,” says relationship expert, Dr Melanie Ross Mills. She advises to consider waiting until a good time to discuss what is bothering you, instead of nagging. “Be patient if he or she is not ready when you are to discuss the matter. Ask them to let you know when a good time might be. You can circle back then, instead of nagging and complaining,” Dr Mills says.</p>
<h2>Acting ungrateful</h2>
<p>It can be challenging to appreciate the small things in your partner. “But, it’s a life discipline to cultivate,” says Dr Mills. “Seeing the good [he or she does] will help. I suggest making a conscious effort to thank your partner for the small things: from putting the cap back on to earning an honest living with hard work, from taking out the trash to helping prepare dinner for the family,” she adds.</p>
<h2>Lacking communication</h2>
<p>Not having an open dialogue or an effective communication system in place can cause feelings of resentment, misunderstanding, hurt, and feeling unappreciated. “Instead of letting the small offences fester, talk about them when the timing is right,” says Dr Mills. “Don’t let too much time pass which can cause you to internalise your true feelings. Share with your partner about what is going on with you daily.”</p>
<h2>Losing yourself in the relationship</h2>
<p>It’s common for people to lose their own sense of self if they don’t make an exerted effort to continue to grow, learn and evolve, says Dr Mills. “Don’t forget to have your own life. Make time to do things that fulfill you instead of waiting for your partner to get interested in your same interests,” she advises. “Believe it or not, this actually makes you more attractive. You contribute to the relationship dynamic because you have interests, you’re interesting and you’re confident.”</p>
<h2>Fighting with your partner over text message</h2>
<p>It’s never fun or desirable to fight with your partner, especially when you are not in the same room, town, or city. “Couples who are in long-distance relationships or couples who just are not in the same vicinity of their partner all the time will most likely engage in text-fighting,” psychiatrist, Dr Gabriella I. Farkas. “Text-fighting is one of the bad habits that people do that can eventually lead to a downward spiral in a relationship.” She says fighting via text is a terrible way to communicate your feelings for many reasons, including you aren’t sure how your partner is reacting. “So, you will keep texting incessantly even if something that has been said hurts the partner’s feelings,” Dr Farkas says. “Instead of fighting via text where there is no way to emphasise or relay emotion correctly, it’s important to sit back and wait until there is the opportunity to have the conversation face-to face.”</p>
<h2>Overstepping social boundaries</h2>
<p>Speaking on behalf of your partner can create a sense of resentment. This behaviour can be intrusive, because making decisions for you partner can be demeaning, disrespectful and impede a person’s sense of self, says an article in Psychology Today. “Without noticing it, we may be intrusive or controlling toward our partner, acting in a manner that is disrespectful or demeaning to the other person’s sense of self. When this happens, it not only hurts our partner and his or her feelings for us but it undermines our strength and feelings for our partner,” the article says.</p>
<h2>Unwilling to try new things</h2>
<p>While no one should force themselves to do something they don’t want to do, shutting down the part of ourselves that seeks new experiences and responds to a spark in our partner can drain us of our aliveness and spontaneity, says the same article in Psychology Today.</p>
<p><em><strong>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/9-common-behaviours-that-are-subtly-sabotaging-your-relationship" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Reader’s Digest</a>. </strong></em></p>
<p><em>Image: Shutterstock</em></p>
