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True love! Husband’s loving daily ritual for his dementia-suffering wife

After 68 years of marriage, Carl Gacono is as besotted with his wife Mary Jane as ever – but even their children didn’t realise how dedicated their father is to their mother. The 88-year-old retired insurance salesman has been caring for 86-year-old Mary, who suffers from dementia, for the past eight years, adamant in providing her the care she needs so she does not have to go to a nursing home. <img width="444" height="333" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/newpix/2018/03/27/15/4A9A3FD500000578-5549499-image-a-7_1522161663728.jpg" alt="Their daughter Becky, 55, said Carl doesn't want Mary Jane to go to a nursing home" class="blkBorder img-share b-loaded" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" id="i-523cccf4a7a64575"/> But their daughter Becky, 55, only recently learned of her father’s loving morning routine that includes arranging her jewellery and picking her undergarments. She stopped by their home in Annville, Pennsylvania, one morning to help her mother so that Carl could go to a doctor's appointment. “We knew he had a routine,” Becky said. “We assumed he was doing everything but everything down to the detail was what was amazing to me. It made me love him more if that was possible.” “He reminds me to put her jewellery on after she’s dressed, explaining which one clips and which one fits over her head,” Becky wrote in <a href="http://www.lovewhatmatters.com/his-love-for-her-is-palpable-doting-husbands-explicit-instructions-for-wife-with-dementias-morning-routine/" target="_blank">Love What Matters</a>. She said Carl told her “don’t forget the bracelet with the heart goes on the left with her watch. The other two bracelets go on the right.” <img width="431" height="574" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/newpix/2018/03/27/15/4A9A6FBC00000578-5549499-image-a-6_1522160698527.jpg" alt="Carl cleans Mary Jane's glasses and arranges her jewelry as part of his daily morning routine" class="blkBorder img-share b-loaded" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" id="i-7d5911dab2bb894e"/> Carl then chooses Mary Jane’s outfits and on the day Becky visited, Carl had picked out a turtleneck and a red decorative sweater. On the floor were her shoes with Mickey Mouse socks folded on top of them. “Her under garments are neatly laid across the back of her waiting wheelchair. He explains each undergarment,” Becky wrote. Once Mary Jane is dressed, Carl makes her breakfast and then they spend the rest of the day together. <img width="426" height="383" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/newpix/2018/03/27/21/4A9A447200000578-5549499-image-a-3_1522181515135.jpg" alt="Becky said she's stunned by how much love and respect her parents have for eachother" class="blkBorder img-share b-loaded" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" id="i-19fee2c4dd8ec52d"/> Becky said her parents, who met while attending the same high school in New Jersey in 1948, always had a deep respect and love for each other. She said that her mum has always been supportive of Carl and now her father feels like it's his turn to take care of her. Although they have caregivers who help Carl and Mary Jane five days a week, Carl has made it his mission to help his wife cope with her dementia by continuing her morning routine like she used to do. “Things that are different tend to rattle her,” Becky said. “She's more confused when things are not the norm.” <img width="418" height="372" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/newpix/2018/03/27/14/4A9A446200000578-5549499-image-a-4_1522158128156.jpg" alt="Carl and Mary Jane (pictured here on their wedding day in 1950) have been married for 68 years" class="blkBorder img-share b-loaded" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" id="i-6a42fba7f65ceb9f"/> Becky said her family began noticing Mary Jane's dementia symptoms about nine years ago. The diagnosis was devastating to the entire family including Carl and Mary Jane’s six children, 14 grandchildren and six great grandchildren. “We could see all see that we're slowly losing her,” Becky said. Becky, who has created a <a href="https://www.facebook.com/momsdementia/" target="_blank">Facebook page</a> to write about her experience dealing with her mother’s dementia, said she's touched by her father's routine and that the love he has for Mary Jane is beautiful and inspiring.

Mind

4 things our ancestors can teach us about caregiving

Human life expectancy has <a href="https://ourworldindata.org/life-expectancy" target="_blank">come a long way</a> in an incredibly short amount of time, so you would be forgiven for thinking that the custom of caring for our elders is a similarly recent development in human culture. However, studies are showing that caring for the ageing members of society is something that humans have been doing for millennia. CaringNews.com explored the evidence and studies supporting this theory, and presented some pretty compelling things we can learn from our ancestors. 1. Caregiving is genetic Anthropologist Erik Trinkaus <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/ajpa.1330570108/abstract" target="_blank">presented evidence</a> of the burial, some 50,000 years ago, of a Neandertal individual who not only had debilitating injuries, but lived with them for some time. According to Trinkaus, this individual has lost a forearm, suffered from a limp, and was deaf. Without help from their fellows, it would have been very difficult for this individual to survive. 2. People depended on their elders Despite their typical slowness and frailty, the older members of society still had much to offer – taking the time to pass down their knowledge. Those elders were regarded as experts in the day-to-day necessities of crafting weapons, telling edible plants from poisonous, and turning animal skins into clothing and bedding. Around 50,000 years ago, an increase in general human longevity is believed to have led to marked cultural advances for humans. 3. Caregiving is a virtue Ancient civilisations in China and Rome considered showing respect and caring for one’s elders was a mark of honour. Confucianism refers to this as filial piety. The idea that elders would regularly be sent to die alone on an ice floe is now regarded as a myth – an unthinkable action that would likely only have occurred in times of desperate need or hardship. 4. It takes a village In ancient times, when society was much less developed than today, humans needed to hunt and forage daily just to survive, meaning that the task of caring for elders and the injured was likely shared by those beyond the immediate family. How do you think caregiving will develop as human society progresses in the future?

Caring

3 tips for sharing caregiving responsibilities with siblings

On the one hand, we’re lucky – with medical and nutritional advancements, we’re afforded more time to spend with our parents. The flip side of that coin, however is that people who live longer are more likely to require care for a degenerative illness. Taking on the role of caregiver for the people who shepherded you from childhood can be conflicting and stressful, but if you find a way to work well with your siblings, you can relieve the pressure you feel, while ensuring your parents receive the best care possible. 1. Role play As an adult, spending time with family can often mean we slip into familiar roles we played as a child, even if we don’t realise it. Perhaps, as the youngest, your siblings treat you as immature or naïve; maybe you were studious in school, and are still expected to be a nerd. These roles are seldom created by the player, and are usually facilitated by a parent’s expectation. When you and your siblings come together to care for your parents, it’s important that you examine these roles and do your best to shake them off. You’re adults now – with adult responsibilities and concerns. 2. Communication is key Having open, honest lines of communication is vital when multiple people are sharing the role of caregiver. Especially when not everyone involved lives close by, things like group emails can be a great way to make sure everyone has exactly the same information available to them. This doesn’t stop at advice and updates provided by professionals – parents are often guilty of telling different things to siblings, not out of malice, but out of concern for who can best handle difficult information. Be frank with your siblings about what mum said to you when you asked her how her health was, and ask them to do the same. 3. Be compassionate When you act in the role of a caregiver, you usually have experience being compassionate. However, that compassion is likely extended to the one for whom you are caring, with less consideration for those alongside you. Caregiving can be exhausting – mentally, physically, and emotionally – and we all handle the responsibilities in different ways. It’s not up to us to pass judgement on how much our siblings contribute to the care of parents. If a sibling isn’t pulling their weight, in your opinion, then perhaps you could find time to have an open, honest conversation with them about the added pressure that puts on you and others. This conversation will give them the chance to show compassion for you, but also to express their own feelings, giving you the opportunity to better understand their own priorities, and the relationship they have with your parents’ condition. What’s one piece of advice you would give to someone sharing the role of caregiver with their siblings?

Caring

5 ways caregivers can combat depression

Caregivers are often seen as strong, stoic people, with much outside attention paid to the person for whom they care. But we know that, while possessing inexpressible strength, caregivers are also <a href="http://www.deakin.edu.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0020/274520/Carers-lit-review.pdf" target="_blank">more likely to suffer from depression</a>. Some of the symptoms of depression include: <ul> <li>Feelings of sadness or hopelessness</li> <li>Loss of interest in most activities that bring pleasure – sports, hobbies, etc</li> <li>Change in appetite</li> <li>Anxiety or restlessness</li> <li>Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, or failure</li> <li>Frequent or recurring thoughts of death and/or suicide</li> <li>Slowed thinking, speech, and movement</li> </ul> Recognising and naming depression in yourself can be a difficult and scary task, but once you have, the important next step is finding ways to look after yourself. Here are some ways you can combat depression as a caregiver. 1. Make time for you As much as caregiving can feel like a job that needs to be performed every hour of every day, that’s not a realistic expectation to set for yourself. Organise respite for yourself by asking for help from family or friends, or finding a local day care. Then use that time to do something that you love – see a movie, go out to dinner, go on a bushwalk, or just spend time in the garden. 2. Stronger together Never underestimate the value of having someone you can talk to who understands exactly what you’re going through. Find a support group, whether physical or online, that works for your situation. Communities will usually have support groups for caregivers, as well as for people suffering from depression. 3. Don’t be bullied by your thoughts That nasty little voice we all have inside of us can be infinitely louder for people suffering from depression. The voice, which often sounds like our own, will whisper things like, “you’re useless”. Training yourself to counter that voice is a good way to combat the feelings of negativity. Next time you hear that voice chime in, think to yourself, “I’m not useless – I’m doing something invaluable for someone I love because I am a strong, caring person.” 4. Keep a diary Writing down your thoughts can be therapeutic, as well as provide you with a useful tool when looking for patterns in your own behaviour and thoughts. Going back over your recollections can help you address behaviours and recognise scenarios that make you feel worse. Finding these triggers can help you avoid or eliminate them. 5. Speak to your doctor If you feel like your depression is too much for you to handle on your own, then it is important that you speak to a professional about it. Depression is an illness, and should be treated as such. It is not weakness to ask for help – it is brave. Your GP should be your first stop. They may have a specialist to whom they can refer you to see. Do you have other resources you use to cope as a caregiver? Share them in the comments.

Caring

Things to remind yourself after a long day of caregiving

Being a caregiver can be a trying role. It is rarely something people are prepared for when the call comes, nevertheless, countless everyday heroes rise to the challenge of providing care for someone they love. When taking on this new role, it can be jarring just how much the life or a carer changes as focus shifts from primarily looking after their own life, to primarily looking after another’s. Despite this change, the American Psychological Association <a href="http://www.apa.org/pi/about/publications/caregivers/faq/positive-aspects.aspx" target="_blank">reports</a> that 83 per cent of caregivers viewed it as being a positive experience. Their findings also highlight, however, that carers will often experience “both positive experiences and some strain simultaneously”. With this in mind, we’re going to take a look at some things to remind yourself of, as a caregiver, if you ever feel that the strain is outweighing the good. You are there We are often called upon to give care for someone who can no longer take care of themselves because of age and/or degenerative disease. In instances such as this, it’s important to remember that, as a caregiver, you are being there for your charge as they face a difficult time. For many, this is the final stage of their life, and having someone by their side will help temper the fear they may feel. They may not acknowledge it with words, but your act of love will be gratefully received by the one for whom you care. Special moments For those who have someone in their life who needs care, it can be difficult to notice the special little moments. But as a caregiver, those tiny glimmers can make a bad day, week, or month worth all the effort. If you’re a caregiver, you no doubt love when these unexpected moments happen – whatever form they take – so cherish them, remember them, and hold them tight in your heart when things feel difficult. You make a difference It can be easy to forget that being a caregiver is about making a very real difference in the life of another person. But it’s so important to remember that what you are doing is changing someone else’s life for the better. Your sacrifice, your hard work, they add up to a better life for someone you love. To you, what’s the most rewarding aspect of being a caregiver?

Caring

Is it ever ok to lie as a caregiver?

No matter how honest and truthful you may believe yourself to be, the fact is, everyone has told at least one lie in their life. Whether it’s something small like, “I don’t remember you asking me to take the bins out,” or a much more serious betrayal like cheating on a partner, we’re all guilty of being dishonest from time to time. When it comes to caregiving, however, is it ever ok to tell a lie? According to a survey of more than 700 carers by <a href="https://www.agingcare.com/articles/why-caregivers-lie-157559.htm" target="_blank">AgingCare.com</a>, 73 per cent of people taking care of ageing family members have lied to them – and 43 per cent admit they fib at least once a week. So, what are they lying about? For many, it’s all about concealing how they really feel. “65 percent of frequent fibbers say that they tell untruths in order to hide their real emotions from the ones they're taking care of,” the survey found. And, given the vast array of emotions (both <a href="http://www.oversixty.com.au/health/caring/2016/05/the-4-negative-feelings-every-caregiver-experiences/" target="_blank">negative</a> and positive) that caregiving can evoke, it’s not exactly surprising. However, it turns out lying to the person being cared for isn’t necessarily always a bad thing. Researchers have found that “therapeutic lying,” <a href="http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/forensic-psychiatry/therapeutic-lying-contradiction-terms" target="_blank">defined</a> as “the practice of deliberately deceiving patients for reasons considered in their best interest,” may be beneficial when communicating with sufferers of neurodegenerative conditions like dementia. “While therapeutic fibbing isn’t appropriate for every circumstance, when used correctly, it offers a much kinder, practical way to stop troubling behaviour and reduce emotional distress,” Dr Amy D’Aprix writes in a column for <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-amy-d/white-lies-when-fibbing-is-therapeutic_b_3381458.html" target="_blank">The Huffington Post</a>. That being said, however, Dr D’Aprix admits there are some situations in which you should avoid lying – even it if it’ll make your loved one feel better. “It’s not appropriate to tell a therapeutic fib because “the truth will hurt.” In these instances, it denies someone their full human experience. So, when a woman with dementia loses her husband, she’s entitled to know. It may cause significant emotional pain, but grieving is part of the human experience. On the other hand, when therapeutic fibbing positively impacts health and well-being, it’s very useful.” Are you a caregiver? Have you ever used “therapeutic lying” as a method of calming your loved one down? Share you experiences with us in the comments below.

Caring

Moving on from caregiving after your loved one dies

Any death is heartbreaking, but the death of someone you’ve cared for can be particularly difficult to cope with. When someone passes away after weeks, months, years of devoting your time to their care, it’s only natural to think, “what now?” Aside from the normal grieving process, there’s the added factor of a feeling of emptiness – after all, this person accounted for so much of your time. Many caregivers can find themselves feeling lost, as though they no longer have a purpose, but really, the opposite is true. At the time of loss, you might not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s important to keep in mind that after you’ve done your grieving, you’ll finally have time to look after yourself and do what you love. First, however, you must come to terms with your loved one’s death. Here are three simple tips to help you do just that. <ol> <li>Get support – it’s hard to admit you need help. It’s even harder to follow through with it. However, having a strong support network is the most important tool you can have when coping with grief. From friends and family to therapists and community groups, there are countless people out there who are happy to help you, even if it may not seem that way now. To learn more, read our tips on how you can meet new people over 60 both <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/03/websites-to-help-you-make-friends/" target="_blank">online</a> or in the <a href="/health/caring/2016/04/ways-to-make-friends-when-youre-60-plus/" target="_blank">real world</a>.</li> <li>Move on from your guilt – sadly, guilt is one of the <a href="/health/caring/2016/05/the-4-negative-feelings-every-caregiver-experiences/" target="_blank">most common feelings</a> experienced by caregivers, and most of the time it’s completely unfounded – of course, that doesn’t mean it’s any less painful. You may also be feeling relieved, and kicking yourself for it. Don’t. It’s completely natural to feel relieved that your loved one is no longer in pain. Gary Bradt, author of Put Your Mask on First: The Caregiver’s Guide to Self-Care, <a href="http://www.nextavenue.org/move-caregiving-parent-dies/" target="_blank">advises</a> carers to “try to accept your feelings for what they are — common human reactions to difficult life circumstances.”</li> <li>Care for yourself – for those who have had to care for another, caring for yourself can feel like a foreign concept. However, it’s a completely necessary one. Whether it’s your mind or body that’s calling out for some TLC, now’s the time to do so. If alone time is what you need, book a spa day, go for a long walk or immerse yourself in a great book. If you’d rather not be by yourself, enlist a friend for a shopping day, short road trip or even just a coffee. Anything you can do to take your mind off the loss will help you recover quicker.</li> </ol> Have you had to deal with the loss of a loved one you cared for? How did you cope? Share your tips with us in the comments below – you never know, your experience might be exactly what someone else needs to hear. Related links: <a href="/health/caring/2016/09/how-to-get-the-best-hospital-care/">How to get the best hospital care</a> <a href="/health/caring/2016/09/8-surprising-things-that-increase-life-expectancy/">8 surprising things that increase life expectancy</a> <a href="/health/caring/2016/09/tips-to-cope-with-losing-independence-with-age/">Tips to cope with losing independence with age</a>

Caring

Silent symptoms of caregiver burnout

Caregiving is undoubtedly one of the hardest and most selfless acts you can ever perform for another person, but sadly it can take its toll. If you’re feeling tired, moody or even resentful, it’s time to step back and reassess your situation. Sometimes these emotions can creep up on you without you even knowing until burnout has well and truly set in. Here are five signs you must keep an eye out for when caring for a loved one. <ol> <li>You don’t feel like socialising – Spending so much time with one person can be a struggle for many people, even if that person is a loved one.</li> <li>You’ve lost interest in your hobbies – Caregiving is both physically and mentally draining, so it’s natural to feel a lack of energy or desire to engage in your interests.</li> <li>You’re having depressive or suicidal thoughts – As soon as these thoughts come into your head, it’s time to speak to someone. Whether it’s a loved one or a mental health professional, it’s important to realise that you can overcome these negative thoughts.</li> <li>Your diet has changed – Has your appetite completely vanished? Perhaps you’re eating much more than you used to? Both extremes are possible as a result of caregiver stress.</li> <li>You have trouble sleeping – Whether it’s falling asleep, staying asleep or getting up in the morning, sometimes the burden of responsibility can negatively impact your sleeping patterns.</li> <li>Your immune system is weak – <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-the-mind-heals-the-body/201411/how-stress-affects-the-immune-system" target="_blank">Studies</a> have shown that stress can actually wreak havoc on your immunity and could in fact responsible for 90 per cent of all diseases and illness – even cancer.</li> </ol> Do any of these apply to you? If so, you’re not alone. Caregiver stress is incredibly common, especially if you aren’t receiving any help sharing the responsibility with other loved ones. Fortunately, there are ways you can combat caregiver burnout. <ul> <li>Get help for yourself – Having someone to unload all your worries on can be extremely therapeutic. If you don’t feel comfortable chatting about it to a friend or family member, your doctor can refer you to a mental health professional who can give you practical tips on overcoming these issues.</li> <li>Get help for your loved one – <a href="/health/caring/2016/02/splitting-the-caring-of-a-loved-one-with-siblings/" target="_blank">Splitting the care of your loved one</a> with other family members can help ease the burden of looking after them. If you can afford it, consider hiring a professional carer<a href="/health/caring/2016/04/tips-to-for-finding-short-term-carer-help/" target="_blank"></a> or, if you think it’s necessary, moving them to an aged care facility<a href="/health/caring/2016/04/right-time-to-look-at-aged-care/" target="_blank"></a>.</li> <li>Find a way to relax – it’s always a good idea to have something just for yourself when things are tough. A nice warm bath or solitary stroll could be enough to lower your stress levels. Even <a href="/health/mind/2016/05/5-household-chores-that-reduce-stress/" target="_blank">doing chores</a> around the house can be relaxing, experts believe.</li> </ul> What tips do you have for other caregivers? Share them with us in the comments below. Related links: <a href="/health/caring/2016/05/signs-of-elderly-abuse-and-neglect/">Signs your elderly loved one is suffering abuse or neglect</a> <a href="/health/caring/2016/05/caring-for-someone-with-depression/">How to care for someone with depression</a> <a href="/health/caring/2016/05/the-4-negative-feelings-every-caregiver-experiences/">The 4 negative feelings every caregiver experiences</a>

Caring

Tips for caregivers travelling with a loved one

If you’re a carer and you want to take your loved one away for a holiday, make sure you read these great tips to ensure you a safe and happy vacation. Identity Bring along an identification tag that can be worn as a necklace. Also, register your loved one with the safe return program in your area. Routine Keep bedtimes and dinner as close to normal as possible, bring their favourite item be it a pillow or outfit. If the person has never travelled on an airplane before, this is not the best time to introduce something new. Prepare Get plenty of rest before the trip. Pack for them and allow extra time for everything. Don’t rush and make sure to pack comfortable clothing. Research in advance what medical services are offered at your destination. Bring a brief medical history with you, including a current medication list, doctor’s telephone numbers and a list of any allergies. Be realistic Carefully assess what the person’s limitations and strengths are and shape the vacation accordingly. Also be realistic about your own and other caregivers’ limitations and strengths – can you handle the person if he or she becomes agitated or wanders or is unable to sleep? Break Have regular car stops. If a trip is over four hours, two caregivers should be present. Bring along toys, photos, hobbies or other distractions in case there are signs of agitation. Carry hand-wipes for any spills. Avoid caffeine. Flights If you’re flying, avoid layovers and try to fly on direct flights only. Carry all boarding passes, passports, and other important papers. Request a middle or window seat for your companion and an aisle seat for yourself. Pre-board the aircraft. Pack all medications in a carry-on bag–do not put it in checked luggage, which can get lost. Back-up plan Everyone always needs a plan B. So be prepared to fall back on something else, that way you can react to mishaps without become overly anxious yourself. Remember not to stress, this is after all a holiday with a loved one! Related links: <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/caring/2015/12/grandmother-retires-after-52-years-walking-kids-to-school/">Grandmother retires after 52 years walking kids to school</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/caring/2015/12/9-year-old-raises-money-for-sick-kids/">9-year-old raises $100,000 for sick kids</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/caring/2015/12/twins-meet-at-birth/">Wonderful moment newborn twins meet for the first time</a>

Caring

Touching short films shows what caregiving today really looks like

The winners of a unique film competition, where filmmakers were challenged to create a short video of what caregiving today really looks like, have been announced. The top gong for the contest’s "Changing Face of Caregiving" category was a film by TW Miller. The movie follows two different women caring for an 81-year-old friend of theirs, a man called Bill. Bill suffered a stroke while attending the opera and with no family, his two friends stepped up to become the family Bill needs so he can stay in his own home. “These three-minute or shorter films really open up the world of family caregiving helping people to better understand the intense challenges as well as the deep personal rewards of caring for a loved one,” said Amy Goyer, AARP family and caregiving expert. “But more importantly, the stories show how much love is present in family caregiving, whether it comes from a family member, friend or even a stranger.” Watch the heartfelt short film above. Related links: <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/caring/2015/12/brain-boosting-apps/">Top 10 brain-boosting apps</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/caring/2015/11/things-i-learned-from-working-with-the-dying/">14 things I learned from working with the dying</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/caring/2015/11/stay-in-your-own-home-as-you-age/">Tips to help you stay independent and at home as you age</a>

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True love! Husband’s loving daily ritual for his dementia-suffering wife

4 things our ancestors can teach us about caregiving

3 tips for sharing caregiving responsibilities with siblings

5 ways caregivers can combat depression

Things to remind yourself after a long day of caregiving

Is it ever ok to lie as a caregiver?

Moving on from caregiving after your loved one dies

Silent symptoms of caregiver burnout

Tips for caregivers travelling with a loved one

Touching short films shows what caregiving today really looks like