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Woman “bullied” on plane over budget seating trick

A young woman has recalled a flight from hell when she was “bullied” by a couple who were trying to utilise a seating hack that went viral on TikTok. The solo traveller took to Reddit to recount the story and ask social media users if she was in the wrong for her action. The woman began by saying she usually pays more to select her plane seat ahead of time, but a medical emergency on another plane had her waiting on standby and left with no option other than to sit in a middle seat. When she was finally able to board, she was greeted by a couple who had purchased both the window and aisle seats in a bid to have more space, utilising a travel “trick” that has been popular on TikTok. The method, which has been dubbed the 'poor man's business class', usually leaves travellers with an empty middle seat and more space, and few travellers opt to pick a middle seat. “When I got to my row the man and woman were chatting and sharing a snack... it was obvious they were together. I mentioned to the man that I'm in the middle, and he got up to let me in,” the unsuspecting traveller wrote on Reddit. “I asked them if they would prefer to sit together, I said I was totally okay with that. The woman reacted rudely to this and said ‘you're not supposed to be sitting here anyway’.” After noticing how the plane was full, she offered to show the pair her new ticket with the correct seat number on it. “She flicked her hand at my ticket and made a disgusted sound. I offered again if they wanted to sit together to which she didn't reply, her partner said it's okay and... made some small talk,” she continued. The man’s girlfriend then interrupted their conversation to ask,”'Did you use one of those third party websites to book your flight? It's so frustrating when people cheap out to inconvenience others.” The American woman explained that she had booked her flight directly and she had been placed on standby like everyone else and didn't choose the middle seat - she was assigned it. She then tried to keep the peace by refusing to engage with the furious woman. “I was so done with her attitude, I put my headphones on and attempted to do my own thing,” she explained. But the “entitled” girlfriend wasn't letting it go, as the woman explained, “This woman kept reaching over me and tapping her partner and trying to talk to him in a way that was super intrusive.” “I could tell even her partner was trying to engage her less so that she would hopefully stop, but she didn't.” “I think they tried to pull that tactic where they don't sit together on purpose...hoping no one will sit between them. But on full flights it doesn't work. And even so - it's not the other person's fault.” The traveller's post was met with hundreds of comments slamming the girlfriend’s behaviour, as one person wrote, “It's like a toddler having a tantrum.” “She was disappointed and a total a**hole. Gross entitled people,” another added. Another person applauded the traveller’s level-headed behaviour, writing, “Wow! You are my hero for keeping it classy - I’m afraid I would not have been as kind as you.” Image credits: Shutterstock

Travel Trouble

Does intermittent fasting have benefits for our brain?

<a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/hayley-oneill-1458016">Hayley O'Neill</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/bond-university-863">Bond University</a> Intermittent fasting has become a popular dietary approach to help people lose or manage their <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8683964/">weight</a>. It has also been promoted as a way to reset metabolism, control chronic disease, slow ageing and <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27810402">improve overall health</a>. Meanwhile, some research suggests intermittent fasting may offer a different way for the brain to access energy and provide protection against neurodegenerative diseases like <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11011-023-01288-2">Alzheimer’s disease</a>. This is not a new idea – the ancient Greeks believed fasting <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8839325/">enhanced thinking</a>. But what does the modern-day evidence say? <h2>First, what is intermittent fasting?</h2> Our <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35487190/">diets</a> – including calories consumed, macronutrient composition (the ratios of fats, protein and carbohydrates we eat) and when meals are consumed – are factors in our lifestyle we can change. People do this for cultural reasons, desired weight loss or potential health gains. Intermittent fasting consists of short periods of calorie (energy) restriction where food intake is limited for 12 to 48 hours (usually 12 to 16 hours per day), followed by periods of normal food intake. The intermittent component means a re-occurrence of the pattern rather than a “one off” fast. Food deprivation beyond 24 hours typically constitutes starvation. This is distinct from fasting due to its specific and potentially harmful biochemical alterations and nutrient deficiencies if continued for long periods. <h2>4 ways fasting works and how it might affect the brain</h2> The brain accounts for about <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-much-energy-do-we-expend-thinking-and-using-our-brain-197990">20% of the body’s energy consumption</a>. Here are four ways intermittent fasting can act on the body which could help explain its potential effects on the brain. 1. Ketosis The goal of many intermittent fasting routines is to flip a “<a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5913738/">metabolic switch</a>” to go from burning predominately carbohydrates to burning fat. This is called ketosis and typically occurs after 12–16 hours of fasting, when liver and glycogen stores are depleted. <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK493179/">Ketones</a> – chemicals produced by this metabolic process – become the preferred energy source for the brain. Due to this being a slower metabolic process to produce energy and potential for lowering blood sugar levels, ketosis can <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10844723/">cause symptoms</a> of hunger, fatigue, nausea, <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8754590/">low mood</a>, irritability, constipation, headaches, and brain “fog”. At the same time, as glucose metabolism in the brain declines with ageing, studies have shown ketones could provide an alternative energy source to <a href="https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/science.aau2095">preserve brain function</a> and prevent <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32709961/">age-related neurodegeneration disorders and cognitive decline</a>. Consistent with this, increasing ketones through <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31027873/">supplementation</a> or <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31757576/">diet</a> has been shown to improve cognition in adults with mild cognitive decline and those at risk of Alzheimer’s disease respectively. 2. Circadian syncing Eating at times that <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32480126/">don’t match our body’s natural daily rhythms</a> can disrupt how our organs work. Studies in shift workers have suggested this might also make us more prone to <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22010477/">chronic disease</a>. Time-restricted eating is when you eat your meals within a six to ten-hour window during the day when you’re most active. Time-restricted eating causes changes in <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36599299/">expression of genes in tissue</a> and helps the body during rest and activity. A 2021 <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7827225/">study of 883 adults</a> in Italy indicated those who restricted their food intake to ten hours a day were less likely to have cognitive impairment compared to those eating without time restrictions. 3. Mitochondria Intermittent fasting may provide <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35218914/">brain protection</a> through improving mitochondrial function, metabolism and reducing oxidants. Mitochondria’s <a href="https://www.genome.gov/genetics-glossary/Mitochondria">main role is to produce energy</a> and they are crucial to brain health. Many age-related diseases are closely related to an energy supply and demand imbalance, likely attributed to <a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41574-021-00626-7">mitochondrial dysfunction during ageing</a>. Rodent studies suggest alternate day fasting or reducing calories <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1038/jcbfm.2014.114">by up to 40%</a> might protect or improve <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21861096">brain mitochondrial function</a>. But not all studies support this theory. 4. The gut-brain axis The <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6469458/">gut and the brain communicate with each other</a> via the body’s nervous systems. The brain can influence how the gut feels (think about how you get “butterflies” in your tummy when nervous) and the gut can affect mood, cognition and mental health. In mice, intermittent fasting has shown promise for <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5913738/">improving brain health</a> by increasing survival and <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12354284/">formation of neurons</a> (nerve cells) in the hippocampus brain region, which is involved in memory, learning and emotion. There’s <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8470960/">no clear evidence</a> on the effects of intermittent fasting on cognition in healthy adults. However one 2022 study interviewed 411 older adults and found <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9646955/">lower meal frequency</a> (less than three meals a day) was associated with reduced evidence of Alzheimer’s disease on brain imaging. Some research has suggested calorie restriction may have a protective effect against <a href="https://academic.oup.com/nutritionreviews/article/81/9/1225/7116310">Alzheimer’s disease</a> by reducing oxidative stress and inflammation and promoting vascular health. When we look at the effects of overall energy restriction (rather than intermittent fasting specifically) the evidence is mixed. Among people with mild cognitive impairment, one study showed <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26713821/">cognitive improvement</a> when participants followed a calorie restricted diet for 12 months. Another study found a 25% calorie restriction was associated with <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30968820">slightly improved working memory</a> in healthy adults. But a <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022316623025221?via%3Dihub">recent study</a>, which looked at the impact of calorie restriction on spatial working memory, found no significant effect. <h2>Bottom line</h2> Studies in <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9740746/">mice</a> support a role for intermittent fasting in improving brain health and ageing, but few studies in humans exist, and the evidence we have is mixed. Rapid weight loss associated with calorie restriction and intermittent fasting can lead to nutrient deficiencies, muscle loss, and decreased immune function, particularly in <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8749464/">older adults</a> whose nutritional needs may be higher. Further, <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6314618/">prolonged fasting</a> or <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9042193/">severe calorie restriction</a> may pose risks such as fatigue, dizziness, and electrolyte imbalances, which could exacerbate existing health conditions. If you’re considering <a href="https://www.nejm.org/doi/10.1056/NEJMra1905136?url_ver=Z39.88-2003&rfr_id=ori:rid:crossref.org&rfr_dat=cr_pub%20%200pubmed">intermittent fasting</a>, it’s best to seek advice from a health professional such as a dietitian who can provide guidance on structuring fasting periods, meal timing, and nutrient intake. This ensures intermittent fasting is approached in a safe, sustainable way, tailored to individual needs and goals.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/223181/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/hayley-oneill-1458016">Hayley O'Neill</a>, Assistant Professor, Faculty of Health Sciences and Medicine, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/bond-university-863">Bond University</a> This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/does-intermittent-fasting-have-benefits-for-our-brain-223181">original article</a>. Image: Getty

Body

Yes, Kate Middleton’s photo was doctored. But so are a lot of images we see today

<a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/t-j-thomson-503845">T.J. Thomson</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/rmit-university-1063">RMIT University</a> Rumours and conspiracies have been <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/28/style/princess-kate-middleton-health.html">swirling</a> following the abdominal surgery and long recovery period of Catherine, Princess of Wales, earlier this year. They intensified on Monday when Kensington Palace released a photo of the princess with her three children. <blockquote class="instagram-media" style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/C4U_IqTNaqU/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="14"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"> </div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"> </div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"> </div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <div style="padding: 12.5% 0;"> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;"> <div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);"> </div> </div> <div style="margin-left: 8px;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;"> </div> <div style="width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg);"> </div> </div> <div style="margin-left: auto;"> <div style="width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);"> </div> <div style="width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);"> </div> </div> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;"> </div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/C4U_IqTNaqU/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A post shared by The Prince and Princess of Wales (@princeandprincessofwales)</a> </div> </blockquote> The photo had clear signs of tampering, and international wire services <a href="https://apnews.com/article/kate-princess-photo-surgery-ca91acf667c87c6c70a7838347d6d4fb">withdrew the image</a> amid concerns around manipulation. The princess later <a href="https://twitter.com/KensingtonRoyal/status/1767135566645092616">apologised for any confusion</a> and said she had “experimented with editing” as many amateur photographers do. Image editing is extremely common these days, and not all of it is for nefarious purposes. However, in an age of rampant misinformation, how can we stay vigilant around suspicious images? <h2>What happened with the royal photo?</h2> A close look reveals at least eight inconsistencies with the image. Two of these relate to unnatural blur. Catherine’s right hand is unnaturally blurred, even though her left hand is sharp and at the same distance from the camera. The left side of Catherine’s hair is also unnaturally blurred, while the right side of her hair is sharp. These types of edits are usually made with a blur tool that softens pixels. It is often used to make the background of an image less distracting or to smooth rough patches of texture. <figure class="align-center zoomable"><a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/581145/original/file-20240312-26-rhmkk1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/581145/original/file-20240312-26-rhmkk1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/581145/original/file-20240312-26-rhmkk1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=358&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/581145/original/file-20240312-26-rhmkk1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=358&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/581145/original/file-20240312-26-rhmkk1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=358&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/581145/original/file-20240312-26-rhmkk1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/581145/original/file-20240312-26-rhmkk1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/581145/original/file-20240312-26-rhmkk1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" alt="" /></a><figcaption>At least eight logical inconsistencies exist in the doctored image the Prince and Princess of Wales posted on social media. <a class="source" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/C4U_IqTNaqU/">Photo by the Prince of Wales/Chart by T.J. Thomson</a></figcaption></figure> Five of the edits appear to use the “clone stamp” tool. This is a Photoshop tool that takes part of the same or a different image and “stamps” it onto another part. You can see this with the repeated pattern on Louis’s (on the left) sweater and the tile on the ground. You can also see it with the step behind Louis’s legs and on Charlotte’s hair and sleeve. The zipper on Catherine’s jacket also doesn’t line up. The most charitable interpretation is that the princess was trying to remove distracting or unflattering elements. But the artefacts could also point to multiple images being blended together. This could either be to try to show the best version of each person (for example, with a smiling face and open eyes), or for another purpose. <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> Like many amateur photographers, I do occasionally experiment with editing. I wanted to express my apologies for any confusion the family photograph we shared yesterday caused. I hope everyone celebrating had a very happy Mother’s Day. C — The Prince and Princess of Wales (@KensingtonRoyal) <a href="https://twitter.com/KensingtonRoyal/status/1767135566645092616?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 11, 2024</a></blockquote> <h2>How common are image edits?</h2> Image editing is increasingly common as both photography and editing are increasingly becoming more automated. This sometimes happens without you even knowing. Take HDR (high dynamic range) images, for example. Point your iPhone or equivalent at a beautiful sunset and watch it capture the scene from the brightest highlights to the darkest shadows. What happens here is your camera makes multiple images and automatically stitches them together to make an image <a href="https://www.adobe.com/creativecloud/photography/hub/guides/what-is-hdr-photography.html">with a wider range of contrast</a>. While face-smoothing or teeth-whitening filters are nothing new, some smartphone camera apps apply them without being prompted. Newer technology like Google’s “Best Take” <a href="https://blog.google/products/photos/how-google-photos-best-take-works/">feature</a> can even combine the best attributes of multiple images to ensure everyone’s eyes are open and faces are smiling in group shots. On social media, it seems everyone tries to show themselves in their best light, which is partially why so few of the photos on our <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15551393.2020.1862663">camera rolls</a> make it onto our social media feeds. It is also why we often edit our photos to show our best sides. But in other contexts, such as press photography, the <a href="https://www.ap.org/about/news-values-and-principles/telling-the-story/visuals">rules are much stricter</a>. The Associated Press, for example, bans all edits beyond simple crops, colour adjustments, and “minor adjustments” that “restore the authentic nature of the photograph”. Professional photojournalists haven’t always gotten it right, though. While the majority of lens-based news workers adhere to ethical guidelines like those published by the <a href="https://nppa.org/resources/code-ethics">National Press Photographers Association</a>, others have let deadline pressures, competition and the desire for exceptional imagery cloud their judgement. One such example was in 2017, when British photojournalist Souvid Datta admitted to <a href="https://time.com/4766312/souvid-datta/">visually plagiarising</a> another photographer’s work within his own composition. <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> Photographer Souvid Datta appears to have plagiarized Mary Ellen Mark: <a href="https://t.co/iO1Lm8CowU">https://t.co/iO1Lm8CowU</a> <a href="https://t.co/jswHyApGNj">pic.twitter.com/jswHyApGNj</a> — PetaPixel (@petapixel) <a href="https://twitter.com/petapixel/status/859824132258537472?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 3, 2017</a></blockquote> Concerns around false or misleading visual information are at an all-time high, given advances in <a href="https://theconversation.com/nine-was-slammed-for-ai-editing-a-victorian-mps-dress-how-can-news-media-use-ai-responsibly-222382">generative artificial intelligence (AI)</a>. In fact, this year the World Economic Forum named the risk of misinformation and disinformation as the world’s greatest <a href="https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2024/01/ai-disinformation-global-risks/">short-term threat</a>. It placed this above armed conflict and natural disasters. <h2>What to do if you’re unsure about an image you’ve found online</h2> It can be hard to keep up with the more than <a href="https://theconversation.com/3-2-billion-images-and-720-000-hours-of-video-are-shared-online-daily-can-you-sort-real-from-fake-148630">3 billion photos</a> that are shared each day. But, for the ones that matter, we owe it to ourselves to slow down, zoom in and ask ourselves a few simple <a href="https://www.aap.com.au/factcheck-resources/how-we-check-the-facts/">questions</a>: 1. Who made or shared the image? This can give clues about reliability and the purpose of making or sharing the image. 2. What’s the evidence? Can you find another version of the image, for example, using a <a href="https://tineye.com/">reverse-image search engine</a>? 3. What do trusted sources say? Consult resources like <a href="https://www.aap.com.au/factcheck/">AAP FactCheck</a> or <a href="https://factcheck.afp.com/">AFP Fact Check</a> to see if authoritative sources have already weighed in.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/225553/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/t-j-thomson-503845">T.J. Thomson</a>, Senior Lecturer in Visual Communication & Digital Media, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/rmit-university-1063">RMIT University</a> This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/yes-kate-middletons-photo-was-doctored-but-so-are-a-lot-of-images-we-see-today-225553">original article</a>. Hero image: The Conversation / X / Instagram

Technology

Why is Rupert Murdoch stepping aside now and what does it mean for the company?

<a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/andrew-dodd-5857">Andrew Dodd</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/the-university-of-melbourne-722">The University of Melbourne</a> At age 92, media mogul Rupert Murdoch is <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2023-09-21/rupert-murdoch-steps-down-as-newscorp-chair/102887474">stepping down</a> as chairman of Fox Corporation and News Corp but will stay on in the role of chairman emeritus, presumably to help guide his eldest son Lachlan as the new head of the firm. In many ways, the news was inevitable. The company is clearly planning its succession and how it manages Rupert’s decline. It has one eye on the market and one on ensuring the company maintains its direction. But why now, and where to from here for the company? And what will Rupert Murdoch be remembered for? <h2>Why now?</h2> Rupert’s departure was always going to come in one of two ways: either Rupert dropping off the perch or him leaving on this own terms. He has opted for the latter. This means the company has chosen to manage the transition in a market-favourable way. The transition to Lachlan looks, for the moment, to be well and truly secure. This gives him the chance under the leadership of Rupert to guide the company in the direction he – or Rupert – wants. Rupert says he is in robust health but he was keen to hang on as long as possible. So, perhaps today’s news suggests his health is declining. We can only speculate but the man is, after all, 92. <h2>Would the recent lawsuits have played a role?</h2> Fox has been subject to several very expensive lawsuits in recent years, which caused a lot of turmoil internally. At the cost of US$787.5 million, Fox settled a defamation lawsuit brought by Dominion Voting Systems over baseless claims made about its voting machines in the 2020 US presidential election. A different voting technology company, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/media/2023/sep/21/rupert-murdoch-fox-news-lawsuits-donald-trump">Smartmatic</a>, is also suing. But I doubt this played a huge role in Rupert stepping down because, in the end, a billion in lawsuits is nothing to a company that a few years ago made $70 billion by selling just some of its assets to <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/brianbushard/2023/09/21/fox-and-news-corp-stock-surges-as-rupert-murdoch-steps-down/?sh=37463b772a49">Disney</a>. This is the price the company pays for its take-no-prisoners approach. It is proud of its uncompromising editorial stance, which is designed to pander to its right-wing audience. And there is no indication Lachlan will take it in a different direction. <h2>What next for Lachlan, with Rupert as chairman emeritus?</h2> In a sense, Rupert is not really stepping down. His new papal-like title of chairman emeritus recognises he will struggle to let go. But the new role is also about calming the market and saying, “Don’t worry, I haven’t gone away; I am still here and I have my hand on Lachlan’s shoulder.” The best indication of Lachlan’s future stewardship of News Corp is his recent behaviour. He was at the helm of Fox News during Donald Trump’s presidential years and the immediate aftermath, when Fox News did enormous damage in its reporting on the 2020 election result. He was at the helm when Fox was making those baseless claims about Dominion Voting Systems. He had ample opportunity to guide the company in a different direction, but he didn’t. So I think we can expect News Corp will continue to be the zealous right-wing media company it currently is. <h2>How might this affect the 2024 US election?</h2> News Corp has finally seen what millions of US voters saw at the 2020 election, which was that Trump was ultimately destructive as a leader. Now, outlets like Fox News are umming and ahhing about whether to back him. Some at Fox are clearly reluctant to let go of their adoration of Trump while others are disappointed Florida Governor Ron DeSantis isn’t emerging as a viable challenger. If Trump continues to be the most popular Republican candidate, Fox will probably fall into line and support him, albeit with less enthusiasm than last time. There is a sense of confusion within Fox about whom to back and where to stand, which reflects the chaos in US politics more broadly. <h2>So what’s Rupert’s legacy?</h2> It comes down to a ledger. Has this man done more harm or good in his life in the media? On the good side, he has been a champion of newspapers. He has employed thousands of journalists and his outlets have often practised good public-interest journalism. But I am afraid I believe the good is outweighed by all the harm done on Rupert’s watch. His news media empire is fundamentally antisocial in the way it operates. I believe it’s caused so much harm to so many people along the way, and that cannot go unacknowledged. From the <a href="https://www.latimes.com/world/europe/la-fg-british-scandal-murdoch-20150611-story.html">UK phone hacking scandal</a> and beat ups to <a href="https://www.uts.edu.au/sites/default/files/Sceptical-Climate-Part-2-Climate-Science-in-Australian-Newspapers.pdf">climate denial</a> and the demonisation of minorities, News Corp can be counted on to dumb down complexity, make issues binary and turn one side against the other. He has damaged democracy and civil discourse and journalism itself. The behaviour of News Corp has on occasions been reprehensible, for which I think Rupert must take the blame.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/214141/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/andrew-dodd-5857">Andrew Dodd</a>, Director of the Centre for Advancing Journalism, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/the-university-of-melbourne-722">The University of Melbourne</a> This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-is-rupert-murdoch-stepping-aside-now-and-what-does-it-mean-for-the-company-214141">original article</a>.

Legal

Try these tricks the next time small talk becomes unbearable

Real talk Bonnie Todd runs 250 food tours a year – a job that puts her in contact with hundreds of new people every week. Food-lovers come to her for an introduction to local tastes and flavours. And a large part of what keeps her guests satisfied, and willing to recommend her business to others, is the personal connection she makes with them. “I try to get past the small talk and general recommendations pretty quickly,” says the 42-year-old. “It’s all about finding common ground within the group, and trying to make it a unique experience. So I’m always asking questions. And when I find that spark of commonality, I dig into it.” The practice is key to Todd’s approach because, unlike many tours, hers require people to sit together sharing food and drinks. When groups don’t gel, or never get past the “Where are you from?” stage, what should be a stimulating experience can turn into an awkward and draining couple of hours. We’ve all been there: trapped in a superficial exchange that bounces aimlessly from one meaningless topic to the next. It can make you never want to step foot into another party again. But don’t despair: there are some tactics that can help you turn boring small talk into an energising conversation. Put yourself out there Improv performer Natalie Metcalfe’s job is to keep a scene going – to create an exchange that’s compelling for both the people involved and for a live audience. “In improv, it’s all about offers,” she says, referring to the act of bringing new information into the dialogue. Through these back-and-forths, the relationship between the characters is established and that kicks things off. “It’s the same thing in a regular conversation. You’re constantly making offers to see if you and the person you’re talking to can connect.” An offer in real life can be as simple as complimenting someone on what they’re wearing, and asking them about it. You can try sharing something you recently learned, or an interest you’ve just developed, creating an opening for the other person to ask you a question. Or, you can describe a relatable problem you’re having – a noisy neighbour, a plant that’s not thriving, a question of etiquette – as a prompt for advice, or some cooperative troubleshooting. One of Todd’s go-to approaches is to share a personal story of her own that relates to the other person’s experience. “If I find out someone has been to a place I’ve travelled, I’ll tell them an anecdote about what I did there, and ask them to share their own story.” Of course, putting yourself out there can sometimes feel scary, even when you’re not on stage. But Misha Glouberman, who runs a course called How to Talk to People About Things, says taking that leap pays off. “A lot of the time in conversations, there’s something we’re interested in, but there’s a part of us that doesn’t want to take the risk of revealing it because we think it might be boring or inappropriate.” But the result of following those internal cues of fascination has the opposite effect, he says. “People like learning about other people’s interests. So be more open about yours, and a little more curious about theirs as well.” Be inquisitive and listen Radio interviewer Terry Gross once said, that the only icebreaker you’ll ever need is, “Tell me about yourself.” Instead of asking a pointed question like “What do you do?”, this type of open question gives someone a chance to offer up a topic they might be more excited to discuss. “Talking about yourself is really pleasurable. It activates the exact same hormone in your brain as sex,” says Celeste Headlee, the author of We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter. “Another tip you can take from neuroscience is that if you start a conversation by allowing someone to feel good about themselves, then they’ll be more open to new ideas and new thoughts for the rest of the conversation.” Of course, upping your curiosity quotient needs to be paired with actually paying attention to the answer. “Listening is hard for homo sapiens. It’s not something our species does easily,” says Headlee. Indeed, people often start crafting their response before the person they’re talking to has finished speaking. Or they’ll get distracted, thinking about an email they forgot to answer. Since a great conversation is by definition a two-way street, these habits have the effect of ending one before it can even begin. Intentional listening, on the other hand, is a key to an empathetic, engaging dialogue. Use disagreement wisely According to Headlee, one of the other things that gets in the way of a meaningful conversation is the all-too-human need to be right. “A really common mistake is the ‘well, actually’ response,” she says, referring to that deflating moment when a person lets their need to correct you about a small detail you’ve just mentioned get in the way of continuing a story. “Google has made this worse,” she adds. “You’ll say, I went to the hotel with the largest patio in the entire world, and while you’re still talking, the person is already on their phone looking to see if that’s actually true.” But while trivial arguments can be an obstacle to a good conversation, Glouberman points out that differences of opinion can also help propel a chat into richer territory. “We assume that the world is just as we see it, that we see it directly,” he says. “But of course all of psychology and neuroscience tells us that’s not the case.” A respectful disagreement, if the other party is open to it, is a great opportunity to enrich your view of the world by understanding someone else’s. Image credits: Getty Images This article originally appeared on <a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/uncategorized/try-these-tricks-the-next-time-small-talk-becomes-unbearable" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Reader's Digest</a>.

Relationships

What is a relationship ‘boundary’? And how do I have the boundary conversation with my partner?

<a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/raquel-peel-368041">Raquel Peel</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/rmit-university-1063">RMIT University</a> Text messages showing actor Jonah Hill asking his ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady to consider a dot point list of relationship “boundaries” have sparked an important conversation. <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady accuses him of emotional abuse. 🔗: <a href="https://t.co/LwSnkpnehT">https://t.co/LwSnkpnehT</a> <a href="https://t.co/3B6I86uwNV">pic.twitter.com/3B6I86uwNV</a> — Pop Crave (@PopCrave) <a href="https://twitter.com/PopCrave/status/1677755077249859586?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 8, 2023</a></blockquote> Two different interpretations of these texts are dominating the discussion. Some have understood Hill’s dot points as a reasonable set of relationship expectations or “preferences” for a partner. Others see Hill’s list of relationship deal-breakers as a controlling behaviour. So what is a relationship “boundary” and how do you have this conversation with your partner? <h2>What are relationship boundaries?</h2> Boundaries are personal and influenced by one’s values. They can be emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual and cultural. The purpose of creating, understanding and respecting boundaries is to ensure one’s mental health and well-being are protected. Used well, they can keep relationships healthy and safe. Setting boundaries can also reinforce values and priorities important to you. <h2>Some ‘boundaries’ are controlling and go too far</h2> That said, relationship boundaries can become unsafe for the people involved. Some cross the line into coercive control. For instance, one might be able to justify to themselves they need to know where their partner is at all times, monitor their communications and keep tabs on their partner’s friendships because they just want to keep their partner safe. But these are not boundaries; this is coercive control. If your partner is describing these as their relationship boundaries, you should feel comfortable to say you are not OK with it. You should also feel comfortable explaining what boundaries you need to set for yourself and your relationship to feel safe. In fact, <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01639625.2017.1304801">research</a> has found that even cyberstalking offenders might struggle to acknowledge how their behaviour can be perceived as intrusive by their partner. They may also have trouble understanding how it contributed to their break-up. My research on how people can sabotage their own relationships revealed a <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s40359-021-00644-0#Tab1">lack of relationship skills</a> is often a key factor in relationship issues. The same <a href="https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/journal-of-relationships-research/article/abs/defining-romantic-selfsabotage-a-thematic-analysis-of-interviews-with-practising-psychologists/35531B41927851905281C7D815FE4199">research</a> highlighted how people who fear their relationship is at risk can end up indulging in controlling behaviours such as partner monitoring, tracking how a partner spends their money and emotional manipulation. In other words, people can sometimes employ unhealthy behaviours with the intention of keeping their partner but end up pushing them away. <h2>Understanding partner and relationship expectations</h2> We might have a vision in mind of an “<a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-3514.91.4.662">ideal partner</a>”. But it’s highly improbable one person can ever meet such high standards. Rigid partner and relationship standards, just like unreasonable boundaries, can cause distress, hopelessness and resentment. So healthy romantic relationships need clear communication and negotiation. Sometimes, that involves being flexible and open to hearing what the other person has to say about your proposed boundaries. Relationship boundaries are a life skill that needs constant learning, practice and improvement. <h2>Having a conversation about healthy relationship boundaries</h2> Some mistakenly believe having any relationship boundaries at all is unreasonable or a form of abuse. That’s not the case. In my <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039">research</a> on relationship sabotage, many people spoke about how being able to clearly communicate and set relationship expectations has helped them maintain their relationships over the long term and dispel <a href="https://scholarworks.uni.edu/facpub/1397/">unrealistic</a> standards. Communicating expectations can also help people deal with common relationship fears, such as getting hurt, being rejected and feeling disrespected. But for an important conversation about boundaries to take place, you first need the environment for an open, honest and trusting discussion. Partners should feel they can talk freely and without fear about what they are comfortable with in a relationship. And, be able to discuss how they feel about a boundary their partner has proposed. <h2>Clarify and discuss</h2> If you’re having the boundary conversation with your partner, clarify what you mean by your boundary request and how it might work in practice. Examples can help. Understanding the nuances can help your partner decide if your boundary request is reasonable or unreasonable for them. Second, negotiate which boundaries are hard and which are soft. This will involve flexibility and care, so you’re not undermining your or your partner’s, freedom, mental health and wellbeing. A hard boundary is non-negotiable and can determine the fate of the relationship. A soft boundary can be modified, as long as all parties agree. What constitutes a healthy boundary is different for each individual and each relationship. Regardless, it is a conversation best had in person, not by text message (which can easily be taken out of context and misunderstood). If you really must have the discussion over text, be specific and clarify. Before setting boundaries, seek insight into what you want for yourself and your relationship and communicate with your partner openly and honestly. If you’re fearful about how they’ll react to the discussion, that’s an issue. An open and honest approach can foster a productive collaboration that can strengthen relationship commitment.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/209856/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/raquel-peel-368041">Raquel Peel</a>, Adjunct Senior Lecturer, University of Southern Queensland and Senior Lecturer, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/rmit-university-1063">RMIT University</a> Image credits: Getty Images This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-a-relationship-boundary-and-how-do-i-have-the-boundary-conversation-with-my-partner-209856">original article</a>.

Relationships

Essential money conversations retirees should have with family

Discussions about funding retirement, aged care and inheritances may be uncomfortable. However, not having them risks your wishes going unmet and family conflicts where details aren’t clear. Hence having discussions about money while you are able to is one of the best (and cheapest!) investments you can make – for both you and your family. Precisely what those discussions entail will depend on your circumstances – and theirs. Yet many points apply almost universally: What matters to you Even the best laid plans mean nothing if those responsible for enacting them don’t know what they are or understand your reasoning behind them. Your will provides a legal overview of who gets what upon your death, while nominated beneficiaries determine how assets are divided from superannuation and some other structures. A separate letter of wishes can informally share your wishes, covering more than just legalities. Sharing this before your death allows family to clarify your wishes and ask questions. Go through: <ul> <li>How your money should be managed now and longer term (e.g., you may want money set aside for grandchildren’s education, or have instructions for a dependent’s ongoing care).</li> <li>Funeral arrangements; cremation or burial; where you will be laid to rest.</li> <li>Plans for anyone other than direct family, charities etc.</li> <li>Any non-negotiables among your wishes.</li> </ul> Partner protections Ensure your partner knows how they will be looked after if they outlive you. Similarly, your kids should know what if any support they will need to provide – especially important for blended families. Where beneficiaries have divorced/separated, will you exclude their ex from your estate? Are your records updated to reflect this? Ensure everyone knows the difference between joint tenants and tenants in common for property owners – only one automatically leaves your share of the property to your co-owner. Health matters How do you want to be looked after in your final years? Don’t assume your loved ones already know everything. Communicate your wishes, small and large – medications, dietary requirements, retirement living, palliative care, resuscitation. Discuss whether power of attorney and enduring guardianship are needed should you be unable to make decisions over your health and finances (e.g., due to dementia or stroke), and who will assume those responsibilities. Family legacy Consider the legacy you want to leave and whether this aligns with your family’s expectations. Is dividing assets equally among your children really fair if one is well-off while another struggles or has complex needs? Do your plans on inheritance unwittingly create headaches for the recipients – such as leaving property to someone who cannot afford to maintain it, or tax liabilities that eat into any financial gain? Discuss non-financial legacy too: do your offspring know about your (and hence their) heritage? Are there special family mementos/stories to pass on? This knowledge may be lost if you don’t share it now. Place to call home Given their financial, logistical, and emotional implications, living arrangements are crucial to discuss before things need to change (and change can be imposed suddenly, such as by a health emergency). Consider: <ul> <li>Where would you want to go if you need high-level care?</li> <li>Is your current home suitable in your advanced years? How would any required modifications be paid for?</li> <li>Would you move nearer your kids? Downsize, upsize or sea/treechange?</li> <li>If you move, would you need to sell your current home? Could it be retained somehow?</li> <li>Do you want/expect kids to care for you? Are they capable of doing so? </li> <li>Could/would you live with one of your children? If so – such as paying to build a granny flat on their property – how does this affect your will? Would they be forced to sell so their siblings receive their inheritance?</li> </ul> Team united Having everyone on the same page helps things to run smoothly – especially during difficult times such as a death or serious illness in the family. Stay aligned by: <ul> <li>Introducing adult children to your financial adviser, lawyer, and accountant.</li> <li>Ensuring everyone knows where to find your will and who is your executor.</li> <li>Disclosing what is and is not up to date.</li> <li>Providing contingency access to passwords, important documents, keys etc.</li> <li>Sharing relevant policy details (e.g., life insurance).</li> </ul> These discussions may be sensitive and difficult to initiate, but are crucial to ensure your wishes are known and enacted. Plus, they may encourage your loved ones to think about their own wishes – and give you all peace of mind for the future! Helen Baker is a licensed Australian financial adviser and author of the new book, On Your Own Two Feet: The Essential Guide to Financial Independence for all Women (Ventura Press, $32.99). Helen is among the 1% of financial planners who hold a master’s degree in the field. Proceeds from book sales are donated to charities supporting disadvantaged women and children. Find out more at <a href="http://www.onyourowntwofeet.com.au">www.onyourowntwofeet.com.au</a> Image credits: Getty Images

Retirement Income

Conversation starters for solo travellers

We all know of stranger danger but when you’re a solo traveller the ability to talk to strangers (safely, though) is one of the most important skills to have under your belt. Chatting with strangers will not only add to your travel experience but it might even lead to life-long friendships. Here are a few conversation starters to keep up your sleeve. A note on safety: Don’t be afraid to tell people you are a solo traveller. People are often more keen to chat and talk to those travelling alone, however it’s important to exercise caution. Look for clues to see if the person can be trusted and stay in public places. When eating out, sit at a communal table or at the bar. Chat to people sitting next to you. If they are a local, you can ask them about the restaurant and any local recommendations. If they are a fellow traveller, ask them where they’re from and how their trip is going. Ask someone to take your photo. Be mindful of the fact there are some scammers targeting tourist destinations to steal cameras so use your judgement but this is an easy and natural way to strike up a conversation. A family or a group of tourist can usually be trusted and counted on to take your Start with the sight you’re getting photographed. Comment on a tourist destination. If you’re wandering around a museum/gallery/popular site, keep a look out for other solo travellers. Keep it simple and introduce yourself, following up questions about how their enjoying where you both are. Be aware that not everyone wants to chat but most solo travellers have an open mind and want to meet new people. Image credits: Getty Images

Travel Tips

Don’t let financial shame be your ruin: open conversations can help ease the burden of personal deb

Nearly <a href="https://www.ipsos.com/en-nz/19th-ipsos-new-zealand-issues-monitor">two-thirds of New Zealanders</a> are worried about the cost of living, and a quarter are worried about <a href="https://www.canstar.co.nz/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/Consumer-Pulse-Report-NZ-2023-Final-4.pdf">putting food on the table</a>. But the <a href="https://visionwest.org.nz/food-hardship-part-one/">shame</a> that can come with financial stress is preventing some people from seeking help. According to a recent survey, a third of New Zealanders were not completely truthful with their family or partners about the state of their finances, and 12% <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/business/money/129477493/financial-infidelity-research-finds-kiwis-hiding-debts-from-their-partners">actively hid their debt</a>. This shame and worry about money can spill over into <a href="https://www.nzherald.co.nz/bay-of-plenty-times/news/concerns-buy-now-pay-later-schemes-could-fuel-addiction-as-kiwis-spend-17b-last-year/VOV3VIDIG2MZBGJEGPMLGWDMJI/">addiction</a>, <a href="https://www.newsroom.co.nz/i-had-serious-concussion-bad-credit-and-15000-debt-abuse-survivor">violence</a> and <a href="https://corporate.dukehealth.org/news/financial-strains-significantly-raise-risk-suicide-attempts">suicide</a>. Considering the effect of financial stress on our wellbeing, it is clear we need to overcome the financial stigma that prevents us from getting help. We also <a href="https://www.apa.org/topics/money/family-financial-strain">owe it to our kids</a> to break the taboo around money by communicating our worries and educating them on how to manage finances better. <h2>The burden of growing debt</h2> <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/business/money/300817697/mortgage-pain-homeowners-facing-repayment-hikes-of-up-to-900-a-fortnight">Ballooning mortgage repayments</a> are compounding the financial distress of many New Zealanders. At the beginning of 2023, an estimated 11.9% of home owners were behind on loan payments, with more than <a href="https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/business/485045/data-shows-430-000-new-zealanders-behind-in-credit-repayments-in-january">18,400 mortgagees in arrears</a>. <div data-id="17"> </div> Given the <a href="https://www.treasury.govt.nz/publications/an/an-21-01-html">majority of household wealth</a> in New Zealand is in property, our financial vulnerability is closely linked to the ebbs and flows of the <a href="https://content.knightfrank.com/research/84/documents/en/global-house-price-index-q2-2021-8422.pdf">second most overinflated property market</a> in the world. There are also cultural reasons for growing financial distress. Many households have taken on significant debt to “<a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/business/7616361/Keeping-up-with-the-Joneses">keep up with the Joneses</a>” and to pursue the quintessential <a href="https://www.interest.co.nz/property/99890/westpac-commissioned-survey-suggests-many-new-zealanders-still-pine-quarter-acre">quarter-acre dream</a>. Social comparison and peer pressure act as powerful levers contributing to problem debt and over-indebtedness. The average household debt in New Zealand is more than <a href="https://tradingeconomics.com/new-zealand/households-debt-to-income">170% of gross household income</a>. That is higher than the United Kingdom (133%), Australia (113%) or Ireland (96%). <h2>The rise of problem debt</h2> And we are digging a deeper hole. Over the past year, <a href="https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/business/485045/data-shows-430-000-new-zealanders-behind-in-credit-repayments-in-january">demand for credit cards increased by 21.7%</a>. The use of personal debt such as personal loans and deferred payment schemes <a href="https://www.nzherald.co.nz/business/demand-for-personal-credit-rises-arrears-also-up-as-cost-of-living-bites/YCEM74CII5FQBPJXO3UOG4Y3GY/">is also climbing</a>. There is a real risk this debt could become problem debt. Problem debt can have severe and wide-reaching consequences, including <a href="https://theconversation.com/over-300-000-new-zealanders-owe-more-than-they-own-is-this-a-problem-173497">housing insecurity</a>, <a href="http://www.socialinclusion.ie/publications/documents/2011_03_07_FinancialExclusionPublication.pdf">financial exclusion</a> (the inability to access debt at affordable interest rates), <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/07409710.2012.652016?journalCode=gfof20">poor food choices</a> and a plethora of <a href="https://bmcpublichealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1471-2458-14-489">health problems</a>. Yet, the hidden <a href="https://spssi.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/sipr.12074">psychological</a> and <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11205-008-9286-8">social cost of financial distress</a>remains often unspoken, overlooked and underestimated. Even before the pandemic, <a href="https://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/BU1909/S00616/research-shows-financial-stress-impacts-mental-wellbeing.htm">69% of New Zealanders were worried</a>about money. The share of people worrying about their financial situation was higher for women (74%), and particularly women aged 18-34 (82%). It is no coincidence that the latter are particularly at risk of problem debt through so-called <a href="https://acfr.aut.ac.nz/__data/assets/pdf_file/0008/691577/Gilbert-and-Scott-Study-2-Draft-v10Sept2022.pdf">“buy now, pay later” schemes</a>. The stigma of financial distress extends beyond the vulnerable and the marginalised in our society. A growing number of <a href="https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/political/467417/middle-income-families-hoping-for-help-in-budget-as-rising-costs-sting">middle-class New Zealanders </a> are quietly suffering financial distress, isolated by financial stigma and the taboos around discussing money. When pressed, one in two New Zealanders would rather <a href="https://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/BU2203/S00384/research-shows-wed-rather-talk-about-politics-than-our-finances.htm">talk politics over money</a>. <h2>Time to talk about money</h2> Navigating financial distress and <a href="https://digitalcommons.law.seattleu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2526&context=sulr">stigma</a> can feel overwhelming. Where money is a taboo subject, it may feel safer to withdraw, maintain false appearances, be secretive or shun social support. This tendency to avoid open discussions and suffer in silence can lead to <a href="https://loneliness.org.nz/lonely/at-home/financially-struggling/">feelings of isolation</a> and contribute to <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-financial-stress-can-affect-your-mental-health-and-5-things-that-can-help-201557">poor mental health</a>, such as depression, anxiety and emotional distress. Sadly, the trauma of living in financial distress can also <a href="http://irep.ntu.ac.uk/id/eprint/39442/1/1307565_Wakefield.pdf">break up families</a>. Losing the symbols of hard-gained success and facing the prospect of a reduced lifestyle can be tough. It often triggers feelings of personal failure and self doubt that deter us from taking proactive steps to talk openly and seek help. But what can families do to alleviate some of this distress? <h2>Seek help</h2> First, understand that <a href="https://www.ft.com/content/86767aac-98e0-4dae-8c5a-d3301b030703">you are not alone</a>. Over 300,000 New Zealanders <a href="https://theconversation.com/over-300-000-new-zealanders-owe-more-than-they-own-is-this-a-problem-173497">owe more than they earn</a>. Second, seek help. There are many services that help people work through their financial situation and formulate a plan. In the case of excessive debts, debt consolidation or <a href="https://goodshepherd.org.nz/debtsolve/">debt solution loans</a> may help reduce the overall burden and simplify your financial situation. For those struggling with increasing interest on their mortgages, reaching out to your bank early is critical. During the 2008 recession, banks in New Zealand <a href="https://www.beehive.govt.nz/release/banks-exchange-letters-crown-support-distressed-mortgage-borrowers">worked with customers</a> to avoid defaulting on mortgages, including reducing servicing costs, capitalising interest and moving households to interest-only loans. It is essential to understand that the <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/homed/real-estate/130677426/are-we-on-the-brink-of-a-wave-of-mortgagee-sales">banks do not want mortgagees to fail</a>, and that options exist. To help future generations avoid debt traps, we need open communication about money – also known as “<a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10834-020-09736-2">financial socialisation</a>”. This includes developing values, sharing knowledge and promoting behaviours that help build <a href="https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1241099.pdf">financial viability and contribute to financial wellbeing</a>. The lessons about handling money from family and friends are crucial for <a href="https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.02162/full">improving our children’s financial capability</a>, helping them be <a href="https://www.fsc.org.nz/it-starts-with-action-theme/growing-financially-resilient-kids">more financially resilient</a> and better able to survive the stresses we are experiencing now – and those <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/business/money/300836616/heres-how-much-household-costs-are-expected-to-increase">yet to come</a>. Image credits: Getty Images This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/dont-let-financial-shame-be-your-ruin-open-conversations-can-help-ease-the-burden-of-personal-debt-202496" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>.

Retirement Income

‘We are only passing through’: stories about memory, mortality and the effort of being alive

Chris Flynn’s <a href="https://www.uqp.com.au/books/here-be-leviathans">Here Be Leviathans</a> is a collection of short stories that seems quirky and light-hearted, propelled by its creative use of perspective. Each story is established from a surprising vantage point and so the world as Flynn imagines it becomes topsy-turvy – anything at all might be alive and sentient. Animals, chairs, boats, you name it. <hr /> Review: Here Be Leviathans – Chris Flynn (UQP) and The Tower – Carol Lefevre (Spinifex) <hr /> A bear eats a teenager, and thus inherits the boy’s memories. An airplane seat describes its last day at work. A hotel room observes its favourite couple, who return over the years. A monkey details a trip into outer space. But these stories are driven by more than quirky inspiration. The point-of-view might offer an interesting hook, and Flynn’s tone may be jaunty at times, but the stories are propelled by deeper themes of mortality, death and existential pointlessness. Flynn uses perspective to reflect and question the way we think about things. <h2>Memory and mortality</h2> Many of the characters in this collection die, have died or are about to die – but there’s also a counter-theme of connection. The bear may eat the teenager, and so the ranger is hunting him down; we enter a hide-and-seek game for survival. But it’s the connection the bear and ranger have, the mutual respect they share, that becomes the message of the first story, Inheritance. <figure class="align-right zoomable"><a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/497560/original/file-20221128-26-5t8y8o.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/497560/original/file-20221128-26-5t8y8o.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/497560/original/file-20221128-26-5t8y8o.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=896&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497560/original/file-20221128-26-5t8y8o.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=896&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497560/original/file-20221128-26-5t8y8o.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=896&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497560/original/file-20221128-26-5t8y8o.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1126&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497560/original/file-20221128-26-5t8y8o.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1126&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497560/original/file-20221128-26-5t8y8o.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1126&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" alt="" /></a><figcaption></figcaption></figure> Flynn also explores ideas of memory transference, and this imbues the story with lingering, thoughtful hope: something that pervades the whole collection. In Flynn’s world, death can be a means to existence – as long as our memories keep living, our experiences and perspectives continue to exist. Flynn’s use of unexpected points of view allows him to avoid the sentimental. In 22F, he tells the story of an airplane seat abandoned in the jungle and we’re left with the superb image of moss growing up and over the upholstery, claiming the seat for the natural domain. We learn about the seat’s history, the work-politics of neighbouring seats, and observations of the passengers who have sat in them. We see glimpses of these human cargoes that simultaneously show the banality and profundity of life. The collection took Flynn ten years to write, and he includes notes at the end about his process and the stories’ origins. For instance, he describes how 22F was inspired by the Werner Herzog documentary <a href="https://letterboxd.com/film/wings-of-hope/">Wings of Hope</a>, which interviewed Juliane Koepcke, the sole survivor of a 1971 airplane crash. Together, Herzog and Koepcke journey to the site of the crash and find parts of the airplane in the jungle. Flynn says the story is about: <blockquote> Memory and place. A reminder that we are only passing through and that everything is part of something larger. </blockquote> <figure class="align-center zoomable"><a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/497575/original/file-20221128-21-v71muf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/497575/original/file-20221128-21-v71muf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/497575/original/file-20221128-21-v71muf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497575/original/file-20221128-21-v71muf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497575/original/file-20221128-21-v71muf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497575/original/file-20221128-21-v71muf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497575/original/file-20221128-21-v71muf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497575/original/file-20221128-21-v71muf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" alt="" /></a><figcaption>One of Chris Flynn’s stories is told from the perspective of an airplane seat abandoned in the jungle. Leslie Cross/Unsplash, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></figcaption></figure> The importance of memory and place is further explored in the story A Beautiful and Unexpected Turn, where we follow the perspective of a hotel room that takes a special interest in its guests, Diane and Hector. We see the waxing and waning and waxing of their relationship. At the end, the room says: <blockquote> We are places of passage, of transience […] Eventually, I would be demolished, perhaps to make way for another hotel or an apartment block, or nothing […] I would become rubble, and then dust. </blockquote> This could be the larger message of the book – our lives are transient and then we become dust. The connections we experience and inspire are what give us meaning in the moment. <h2>Complications of care</h2> Carol Lefevre’s <a href="https://www.spinifexpress.com.au/shop/p/9781925950625">The Tower</a> also emphasises place. This thoughtful collection of short stories is very different from Flynn’s in tone and focus, but it too grounds storytelling in the themes of place and mortality. <figure class="align-left zoomable"><a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/497573/original/file-20221128-14-p18sux.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/497573/original/file-20221128-14-p18sux.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/497573/original/file-20221128-14-p18sux.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=928&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497573/original/file-20221128-14-p18sux.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=928&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497573/original/file-20221128-14-p18sux.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=928&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497573/original/file-20221128-14-p18sux.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1166&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497573/original/file-20221128-14-p18sux.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1166&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/497573/original/file-20221128-14-p18sux.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1166&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" alt="" /></a><figcaption></figcaption></figure> The Tower is structured around a series of interlocking narratives about Dorelia MacCraith – in the very first story, after losing her husband Geordie, she sells her house and buys a new one, with a tower. Her children, who she does not consult, are suspicious of this defiant act. Straight away, the reader is thrust into the negotiations and complications of care. People who Dorelia once cared for are now asserting (or trying to assert) forms of reverse care. And many stories in the collection reverberate with related themes – women caring for children and partners and parents, or making decisions about their positions as carers, especially in the context of trying (or deciding not) to have children. The interconnected stories about Dorelia and her tower are the centrepiece of the collection. Yet Dorelia finds this house of her own by accident, when driving her dear friend and fellow artist Elizabeth Bunting to an appointment: <blockquote> they took a wrong turn, and then another, until at the end of the a quiet cul-de-sac, set among sheltering trees, stood the most adorable house […] and above the porch rose a small tower. </blockquote> I appreciate that it is the women’s friendship – their spark of connection and humour are immediate and inviting – that enables Dorelia to find her tower oasis. I also appreciate that this critical act occurs during a moment of generosity and care: Dorelia is driving Elizabeth to an appointment. While Dorelia may find her tower by accident, we never feel Lefevre is accidental in rendering the lives of these women on the page. The prose is carefully controlled, as is the detail and world-building – and the deeper reflections of the stories kaleidoscope through one another, building in nuanced ways. <h2>Reimagining the crone</h2> Of course, symbolic permutations resonate throughout this text – a tower of one’s own harks to <a href="https://theconversation.com/skin-and-sinew-and-breath-and-longing-reimagining-the-lives-of-queer-artists-and-activists-from-sappho-to-virginia-woolf-184459">Virginia Woolf</a> and Rapunzel. Dorelia reimagines the crone from the Rapunzel <a href="https://theconversation.com/reader-beware-the-nasty-new-edition-of-the-brothers-grimm-34537">fairy tale</a> as central and heroic. This rewriting and revision of the crone – and her motives and backstory – seems key to recognising women’s narratives more generally, and prioritising a multiplicity of stories and experiences within the Australian literary canon. In this sense, it feels like Lefevre is in conversation with authors such as Drusilla Modjeska, <a href="https://theconversation.com/intellectual-fearlessness-politics-and-the-spiritual-impulse-the-remarkable-career-of-amanda-lohrey-187354">Amanda Lohrey</a> and Charlotte Wood. <figure class="align-center zoomable"><a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/496662/original/file-20221122-23-obj24f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/496662/original/file-20221122-23-obj24f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/496662/original/file-20221122-23-obj24f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=319&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496662/original/file-20221122-23-obj24f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=319&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496662/original/file-20221122-23-obj24f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=319&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496662/original/file-20221122-23-obj24f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496662/original/file-20221122-23-obj24f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496662/original/file-20221122-23-obj24f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" alt="" /></a><figcaption>The main, recurring narrator of The Tower reimagines the crone from the Rapunzel fairytale as central and heroic.</figcaption></figure> In <a href="https://theconversation.com/tarot-resurgence-is-less-about-occult-than-fun-and-self-help-just-like-throughout-history-139448">tarot</a> mythology, the card of The Tower considers the collapse of old structures. We get a sense of this in the reflexivity of the text, as well as in its story-world – as Dorelia faces life without her husband Geordie. Indeed, old age itself collapses life as she’s known it. The interplay between the textual and the intertextual resonates in this collection, making this book as enjoyable to later ponder as it was to actually read. Here Be Leviathans and The Tower are two very different short-story collections to consider in tandem. They vary in voice, tone and style. Yet both engage with the precariousness and effort that is at the foundation of being alive, and making meaning from our short time on the planet.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/193628/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/shady-cosgrove-153726">Shady Cosgrove</a>, Associate Professor, Creative Writing, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-wollongong-711">University of Wollongong</a> This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/we-are-only-passing-through-stories-about-memory-mortality-and-the-effort-of-being-alive-193628">original article</a>. Image: Getty

Retirement Life

Yes you can reheat food more than once

Preparing meals in bulk and reheating is a great way to save time in the kitchen and can also help to reduce food waste. You might have heard the myth that you can only reheat food once before it becomes unsafe to eat. The origins of food myths are often obscure but some become embedded in our culture and scientists feel compelled to study them, like the “<a href="https://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/features/5-second-rule-rules-sometimes-">five second rule</a>” or “<a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2234524/">double-dipping</a>”. The good news is that by following some simple steps when preparing and storing foods, it is possible to safely reheat foods more than once. <h2>Why can food make us sick?</h2> There are many ways bacteria and viruses can end up in foods. They may occur naturally in environments where food is harvested or <a href="https://www.cdc.gov/foodsafety/production-chain.html">contaminate</a> foods during processing or by food handlers. Viruses won’t grow in foods and will be destroyed by cooking (or proper reheating). On the other hand, bacteria can grow in food. Not all bacteria make us sick. Some are even beneficial, such as probiotics in yoghurt or starter cultures used to make fermented foods. However, some bacteria are not desirable in foods. These include <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7150063/">bacteria</a> which reproduce and cause physical changes making food unpalatable (or spoiled), and pathogens, which cause illness. Some pathogens grow in our gut and cause symptoms of gastroenteritis, while others produce toxins (poisons) which cause us to become sick. Some bacteria even produce special structures, called <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3993344/">endospores</a>, which survive for a long time – even years – until they encounter favourable conditions which allow them to grow and produce toxins. While cooking and reheating will generally kill pathogenic bacteria in foods, they may not destroy toxins or endospores. When it comes to reheating foods, toxins pose the greatest risk of illness. The risk increases in foods which have been poorly handled or cooled too slowly after initial cooking or reheating, since these conditions may allow toxin-producing bacteria to grow and proliferate. Bacteria that cause foodborne illness typically grow at temperatures between 5°C and 60°C (the “<a href="https://www.foodstandards.gov.au/consumer/safety/faqsafety/pages/foodsafetyfactsheets/charitiesandcommunityorganisationsfactsheets/temperaturecontrolma1477.aspx">temperature danger zone</a>”), with fastest growth occurring at around 37°C. Foods that are best able to support the growth of these bacteria are deemed “potentially hazardous” and include foods or dishes containing meat, dairy, seafood, cooked rice or pasta, eggs or other protein-rich ingredients. A common culprit of food poisoning linked to reheated foods is Staphylococcus aureus which many people carry in their nose or throat. It produces a heat-stable toxin which causes vomiting and diarrhoea when ingested. Food handlers can transfer these bacteria from their hands to foods after cooking or reheating. If the contaminated food is kept within the temperature danger zone for an extended period, Staphylococcus aureus will grow and produce toxins. Subsequent reheating will destroy the bacteria but not the toxins. <h2>How to keep food safe to eat, even when reheating</h2> To limit the growth of bacteria, potentially hazardous foods should be kept outside of the temperature danger zone as much as possible. This means keeping cold foods cold (less than 5°C) and hot foods hot (above 60°C). It also means after cooking, potentially hazardous foods should be cooled to less than 5°C as quickly as possible. This also applies to reheated foods you want to save for later. When cooling foods, Food Standards Australia New Zealand <a href="https://www.foodstandards.gov.au/consumer/safety/faqsafety/pages/foodsafetyfactsheets/charitiesandcommunityorganisationsfactsheets/temperaturecontrolma1477.aspx">recommends</a> the temperature should fall from 60°C to 21°C in less than two hours and be reduced to 5°C or colder in the next four hours. In practice, this means transferring hot foods to shallow containers to cool to room temperature, and then transferring the covered containers to the fridge to continue cooling. It’s not a good idea to put hot foods straight into the fridge. This can cause the fridge temperature to increase above 5°C which may affect the safety of other foods inside. If food has been hygienically prepared, cooled quickly after cooking (or reheating) and stored cold, reheating more than once should not increase the risk of illness. However, prolonged storage and repeated reheating will affect the <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0308814621022664">taste</a>, texture, and sometimes the nutritional quality of foods. <figure class="align-center zoomable"><a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/480042/original/file-20220819-18-xhjxhi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/480042/original/file-20220819-18-xhjxhi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/480042/original/file-20220819-18-xhjxhi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/480042/original/file-20220819-18-xhjxhi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/480042/original/file-20220819-18-xhjxhi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/480042/original/file-20220819-18-xhjxhi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/480042/original/file-20220819-18-xhjxhi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/480042/original/file-20220819-18-xhjxhi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" alt="Person squeezing lemon on fish" /></a><figcaption>If food has been hygienically prepared, cooled quickly, and stored cold, reheating more than once should not increase the risk of illness. ello/unsplash, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></figcaption></figure> When it comes to safely reheating (and re-reheating) foods, there are a few things to consider: <ol> <li> always practice good hygiene when preparing foods </li> <li> after cooking, cool foods on the bench either in small portions or in shallow containers (increased surface area reduces cooling time) and put in the fridge within two hours. Food should be cold (less than 5°C) within the next four hours </li> <li> try to reheat only the portion you intend to immediately consume and make sure it is piping hot throughout (or invest in a thermometer to ensure the internal temperature reaches 75°C) </li> <li> if you don’t consume reheated food immediately, avoid handling it and return it to the fridge within two hours </li> <li> err on the side of caution if reheating food for vulnerable people including children, elderly, pregnant or immunocompromised people. If in doubt, throw it out. </li> </ol> With the ever-increasing cost of food, buying in bulk, preparing meals in large quantities and storing unused portions is convenient and practical. Following a few simple common sense rules will keep stored food safe and minimise food waste.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/184158/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/enzo-palombo-249510">Enzo Palombo</a>, Professor of Microbiology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/swinburne-university-of-technology-767">Swinburne University of Technology</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/sarah-mclean-1351935">Sarah McLean</a>, Lecturer in environmental health, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/swinburne-university-of-technology-767">Swinburne University of Technology</a> This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a>. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/yes-you-can-reheat-food-more-than-once-heres-why-184158">original article</a>.

Food & Wine

We need to talk about monkeypox without shame and blame

The recent global outbreak of <a href="https://www.health.gov.au/diseases/monkeypox-mpx">monkeypox</a> largely among <a href="https://www.npr.org/2022/07/26/1113713684/monkeypox-stigma-gay-community">men who have sex with men</a> has raised concerns homophobia will undermine effective prevention efforts. There are also fears the disease will fuel homophobic stigma and discrimination. Even the name monkeypox <a href="https://theconversation.com/whats-in-a-name-why-giving-monkeypox-a-new-one-is-a-good-idea-185307">is stigmatising</a> due to long-held <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2022/08/01/1113908154/critics-say-monkeypox-is-a-racist-name-but-its-not-going-away-anytime-soon">racist appropriation of the term monkey</a> and the false implication the virus is transmitted by monkeys. The <a href="https://www.who.int/director-general/speeches/detail/who-director-general-s-opening-remarks-at-the-covid-19-media-briefing--14-june-2022">World Health Organization</a> has said the name needs to change, but has not agreed on or announced a new one. Currently, <a href="https://www.aconhealth.org.au/monkeypox">advocates for the LGBTQA+ community</a> are using the term MPX, the term I will use here. MPX is, of course, not the first infectious disease to affect men who have sex with men. So there are things we must learn and things we must not repeat from the public health response to HIV. <h2>Lessons from HIV</h2> When HIV emerged among communities of gay and bisexual men in the 1980s, fear and uncertainty about the cause and nature of the virus led to <a href="https://theconversation.com/lessons-from-the-history-of-hiv-aids-in-australia-how-activism-changed-the-image-of-an-illness-4052">vilification of gay and bisexual men</a>. HIV was initially named “<a href="https://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/pdfplus/10.2105/AJPH.2021.306348">gay-related immune deficiency</a>” or GRID and there was speculation it was caused by men’s excessive sex or drug use (specifically use of <a href="https://theconversation.com/weekly-dose-amyl-started-as-a-poison-antidote-now-a-common-party-drug-64610">amyl nitrate</a>). As well as sparking calls for a crackdown on the rights and freedoms of LGBTQA+ communities, the view gay and bisexual men were to blame for HIV obstructed effective public health responses. Famously, in the United States, then President Ronald Reagan <a href="https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/lgbtq-history-month-early-days-america-s-aids-crisis-n919701">made no public mention of HIV or AIDS</a> until more than 12,000 American citizens had died, and HIV had spread widely into many communities. Although today, globally, <a href="https://www.unaids.org/en/resources/fact-sheet">HIV affects more women</a> than men, it is still difficult to disentangle <a href="https://www.unaids.org/en/resources/presscentre/featurestories/2012/august/20120828punitivelaws">HIV-related stigma from homophobia</a> or stigma against other affected populations, including injecting drug users or sex workers. <a href="https://theconversation.com/charlie-sheen-and-ten-million-dollars-worth-of-hiv-stigma-50909">Stigma creates barriers</a> to HIV prevention as people are reluctant to talk about HIV or <a href="https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-018-6156-4">seek testing</a> for fear of being associated with stigmatised groups. It also perpetuates a fundamental lack of empathy for people living with HIV. For these reasons, it’s important we don’t approach MPX in these terms. <h2>A new approach?</h2> There are <a href="https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2022-07-21/monkeypox-government-response-we-can-do-better">some reports</a> of MPX being used to justify homophobic sentiment or actions. However, a crucial difference between this disease and HIV is <a href="https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/blaming-gay-men-for-monkeypox-will-harm-everyone/">the world has learned</a> from HIV. There is now better understanding of the insidious ways <a href="https://www.thelancet.com/journals/landia/article/PIIS2213-8587(20)30127-3/fulltext">stigma and discrimination undermine public health</a>. HIV also taught us to be cautious about the potential for public health messaging to contribute to stigma, especially when an illness is associated with <a href="https://www.nihr.ac.uk/blog/the-perfect-storm-how-covid-19-public-health-messages-may-not-serve-ethnic-minority-communities/30257">marginalised cultural or racial groups</a>. Health policy makers have been <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/may/23/un-denounces-homophobic-and-racist-reporting-on-monkeypox-spread">fast to condemn</a> stigmatising media reporting of MPX. Meanwhile the community-based HIV sector has mobilised existing infrastructure and experience to support <a href="https://www.acon.org.au/">advocacy and MPX education</a> for men who have sex with men. Importantly, we now have better knowledge about the effectiveness of <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31210141/">sex-positive approaches</a> to preventing HIV and other sexually transmissible infections (STIs). <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/26410397.2019.1593787">Such approaches</a> affirm the pleasures and benefits of sex, aim to build open dialogue about safe sex and ensure people can seek testing without fear of judgement or backlash. <h2>The impact of sexual moralising</h2> We have learned lessons from HIV. However, MPX has exposed the ways sexual moralising is ever-present in public health, undermining sex-positive health promotion. Observers of early media responses to MPX note efforts to avoid stigmatising gay and bisexual men have <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/jun/23/monkeypox-outbreak-public-information-virus-homophobia">led to obtuse and confusing reporting</a> about the ways in which the disease, <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-does-monkeypox-spread-an-epidemiologist-explains-why-it-isnt-an-sti-and-what-counts-as-close-contact-188130">although not classified as an STI</a>, can be spread through close physical contact and why gay and bisexual men may be at risk of exposure. Reporting has been deliberately vague because there is very limited cultural space for speaking about group sex, casual sex or sex with multiple partners without these practices, and people involved, <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2022/08/04/opinion/monkeypox-communication.html">being shamed</a>. Despite increasing acceptance of sexual diversity, people’s <a href="https://www.ippf.org/sites/default/files/2016-10/Putting%20Sexuality%20back%20into%20Comprehensive%20Sexuality%20Education_0.pdf">right to engage in pleasurable sex</a> outside a married, monogamous relationship is rarely affirmed. Young women, for example, are <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8296320/">shamed</a> for having “too many” sexual partners, while calls for comprehensive, <a href="https://theconversation.com/sex-ed-needs-to-talk-about-pleasure-and-fun-safe-sex-depends-on-it-and-condom-use-rises-176572">pleasure-based sex education</a> are controversial. While the world has come a long way toward acceptance of same-sex marriage, homophobia often drives condemnation of gay and bisexual men’s sexual cultures. This is most visible in relation to public health. For example, when pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) first became available to prevent HIV, public funding for it <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4566537">was critiqued</a> by some on the grounds this amounted to subsidising gay and bisexual men’s <a href="https://blogs.bmj.com/medical-ethics/2016/10/08/sex-and-other-sins-public-morality-public-health-and-funding-prep/">promiscuity</a>. When considered through the lens of public health, casual sex is <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1467-9566.2012.01475.x">often equated with irresponsibility</a>. People’s right to seek sex and intimacy can also be devalued or <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6951379/">seen as irrelevant</a>. We know, however, <a href="https://www.who.int/news/item/11-02-2022-redefining-sexual-health-for-benefits-throughout-life">acknowledging the significance</a> of sexual identities and sexual connection in people’s lives is the best way to engage communities in sexual health promotion. <h2>A sex-positive approach</h2> As current vaccine supplies for MPX are limited in many jurisdictions, including Australia, <a href="https://theconversation.com/australia-secures-450-000-new-monkeypox-vaccines-what-are-they-and-who-can-have-them-187691">priority access is being given</a> to high-risk groups, including men who have sex with men who have multiple sexual partners. Given men are being asked to disclose their sexual practices to obtain a vaccine, assurance of non-stigmatising health care will be essential for this program to be successful. A sex-positive approach to MPX prevention will also support more open conversations so people can gain a better handle on risk and prevention, no matter who they are.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/188295/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jennifer-power-4215">Jennifer Power</a>, Associate Professor and Principal Research Fellow at the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/la-trobe-university-842">La Trobe University</a> This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/we-need-to-talk-about-monkeypox-without-shame-and-blame-188295">original article</a>. Image: Getty

Caring

Partnering up can help you grow as an individual

It’s common to want to become a better version of yourself. Much like the desires to eat, drink and avoid harm, human beings also experience a fundamental need to learn, grow and improve – what psychologists call self-expansion.Consider your favorite activities. Things like reading a book, spending time in nature, volunteering with a new organization, taking a class, traveling, trying a new restaurant, exercising or watching a documentary all broaden the self. Those experiences add new knowledge, skills, perspectives and identities. When who you are as a person expands, you enhance your competence and capabilities and increase your ability to meet new challenges and accomplish new goals.Of course, you can achieve self-expansion on your own by trying new and interesting activities (like playing Wordle), learning new things (like advancing through a language app) or working on a skill (like practicing meditation). Research confirms that these kinds of activities help individuals expand themselves, which encourages them to put forth more effort on subsequent challenging tasks.Interestingly, romantic relationships can also be a key source of growth for people. As a relationship scientist for over 20 years, I’ve studied the effects all kinds of romantic relationships can have on the self. Today’s modern couples hold high expectations for a partner’s role in one’s own self-development.<h2>Growing in your relationship</h2>Falling in love feels good, and spending time with a romantic partner is enjoyable, but love’s benefits run even deeper. People tend to value partners who help them become a better version of themselves.One way to optimize self-growth in your relationship is by sharing in your partner’s unique interests and skills. When “me” becomes “we,” partners blend their self-concepts and include the other in the self. That merging encourages partners to take on each other’s characteristics, quirks, interests and abilities to some extent. Romantic partners inevitably have different life experiences, knowledge bases, perspectives and skills. Each area is an opportunity for growth.For example, if your partner has a better sense of humor than you do, over time, yours will likely improve. If they have an eye for interior design, your ability to put together a room will evolve. A partner’s differing views on climate change, politics or religion will grant you new perspectives and a deeper understanding of those topics. Your relationship helps you become a better person.This isn’t to say that individuals should try to completely merge, running the risk of losing themselves. Rather, each person can maintain their own identity while augmenting it with desirable elements from their partner.<h2>Relationship consequences of more or less</h2>The science makes it abundantly clear that couples with more self-expansion are better relationships. Specifically, people who report more self-expansion in their relationship also report more passionate love, relationship satisfaction and commitment. It’s also associated with more physical affection, greater sexual desire, less conflict and couples being happier with their sex life.Because self-expansion is so critical, when expanding relationships end, participants describe feeling like they have lost a part of themselves. Importantly, when less-expanding relationships break up, individuals experience positive emotions and growth.When a relationship provides insufficient expansion, it can feel like it’s stuck in a rut. That stagnant malaise has consequences. Research finds that married couples who at one point indicated more boredom in their current relationship also reported less marital satisfaction nine years later. Insufficient relationship self-expansion also encourages people to have more of a wandering eye and pay more attention to alternative partners, increases susceptibility to cheating on one’s partner, lowers sexual desire and comes with a greater likelihood of breakup.<h2>How does your relationship measure up?</h2>Maybe you’re now wondering how your own relationship is doing on this front. To provide some insight, I created the Sustainable Marriage Quiz. On a scale from 1 to 7, with 1 being “very little” and 7 being “very much,” answer these questions:<ol><li>How much does being with your partner result in you having new experiences?</li><li>When you are with your partner, do you feel a greater awareness of things because of them?</li><li>How much does your partner increase your ability to accomplish new things?</li><li>How much does your partner help to expand your sense of the kind of person you are?</li><li>How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities?</li><li>How much do your partner’s strengths as a person (skills, abilities, etc.) compensate for some of your own weaknesses as a person?</li><li>How much do you feel that you have a larger perspective on things because of your partner?</li><li>How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things?</li><li>How much has knowing your partner made you a better person?</li><li>How much does your partner increase your knowledge?</li></ol>Before adding up your score, know that these categories are generalizations. They suggest where your relationship may need attention, but also where it’s already strong. Relationships are complicated, so you should see your score for what it is: one small piece of the puzzle about what makes your relationship work.<ul><li>60 and above – Highly Expansive. Your relationship provides lots of new experiences and helps you reach new goals. As a result, you likely have a more fulfilling and sustainable relationship.</li><li>45 to 60 – Moderately Expanding. Your relationship has produced some new experiences and additions to your self-concept, but you have some room for improvement.</li><li>Below 45 — Low Expansion. Currently your relationship isn’t creating many opportunities to increase your knowledge or enhance you. Consequently you likely aren’t improving yourself as much as you could. Consider making an effort to seek out more new and interesting experiences with your partner. You may even rethink if this is the right partner for you.</li></ul>What makes a relationship great? While there are many factors to consider, one area deserves more attention: how much it helps you grow. A relationship that fosters self-expansion will make you want to be a better person, help you increase your knowledge, build your skills, enhance your capabilities and broaden your perspectives.This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/partnering-up-can-help-you-grow-as-an-individual-heres-the-psychology-of-a-romantic-relationship-that-expands-the-self-175422">The Conversation</a>.

Relationships

Six ways to transform your travel

After a cooped-up year, Americans are hungry to travel. Passport offices <a rel="noopener" href="https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/passports/how-apply/processing-times.html" target="_blank">are overwhelmed</a> with applications. In July, airlines scheduled and operated <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.bts.gov/newsroom/air-travel-consumer-report-july-2021-numbers" target="_blank">the highest number of flights</a> since the pandemic began, according to the U.S. Bureau of Transportation Statistics. <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.cnbc.com/2021/08/22/national-parks-are-booming-that-may-ruin-your-next-trip.html" target="_blank">Record numbers</a> of travelers visited the U.S. national parks this summer, after <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.nps.gov/subjects/socialscience/annual-visitation-highlights.htm" target="_blank">a nearly 28% drop</a> due to the pandemic. But why do we travel in the first place? What is the allure of the open road? As a professor of <a rel="noopener" href="https://divinity.vanderbilt.edu/people/bio/jaco-hamman" target="_blank">religion, psychology and culture</a>, I study experiences that lie at the intersection of all three. And in my <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.fortresspress.com/store/product/9781506472065/Just-Traveling" target="_blank">research on travel</a>, I’m struck by its unsolvable paradoxes: Many of us seek to get away, in order to be present; we speed to destinations, in order to slow down; we may care about the environment, but still leave carbon footprints. Ultimately, many people hope to return transformed. Travel <a rel="noopener" href="https://doi.org/10.1080/02508281.2017.1292177" target="_blank">is often viewed</a> as what anthropologists call a “<a rel="noopener" href="https://www.britannica.com/biography/Arnold-van-Gennep" target="_blank">rite of passage</a>”: structured rituals in which individuals separate themselves from their familiar surroundings, undergo change and return rejuvenated or “reborn.” But travelers are not just concerned with themselves. The desire to explore may be a defining human trait, as I argue <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.fortresspress.com/store/product/9781506472065/Just-Traveling" target="_blank">in my latest book</a>, but the ability to do it is a privilege that can <a rel="noopener" href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tourman.2017.11.002" target="_blank">come at a cost</a> to host communities. Increasingly, the tourism industry and scholars alike are interested in <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/cog/tri/2012/00000016/F0020003/art00003" target="_blank">ethical travel</a>, which minimizes visitors’ harm on the places and people they encounter. The media inundate tourists with advice and enticements about where to travel and what to do there. But in order to meet the deeper goals of transformative, ethical travel, the “why” and “how” demand deeper discernment. In writing “<a rel="noopener" href="https://www.fortresspress.com/store/product/9781506472065/Just-Traveling" target="_blank">Just Traveling</a>: God, Leaving Home, and a Spirituality for the Road,” I studied travel stories in sacred scriptures and researched findings from psychologists, sociologists, ethicists, economists and tourism scholars. I argue that meaningful travel is best understood not as a three-stage rite but as a six-phase practice, based on core human experiences. These phases can repeat and overlap within the same journey, just as adventures twist and turn. 1. Anticipating Traveling begins long before departure, as we research and plan. But anticipation is more than logistics. The Dutch aptly call it “voorpret”: literally, <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.wordsense.eu/" target="_blank">the pleasure before</a>. How and what people anticipate in any given situation has the power to shape their experience, for better or worse – even when it comes to prejudice. Psychology experiments, for example, have shown that <a rel="noopener" href="https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0000899" target="_blank">when children anticipate greater cooperation between groups</a>, it can reduce their bias in favor of their own group. But <a rel="noopener" href="https://iep.utm.edu/phenom/" target="_blank">phenomenology</a>, a branch of philosophy that studies human experience and consciousness, emphasizes that <a rel="noopener" href="http://ummoss.org/gall17varela.pdf" target="_blank">anticipation is also “empty”</a>: our conscious intentions and expectations of what’s to come could be fulfilled or dashed by a future moment. With that in mind, travelers should try to remain open to uncertainty and even disappointment. 2. Leaving Leaving can awaken deep emotions that are tied to our earliest experiences of separation. The attachment styles psychologists study in infants, which shape how secure people feel in their relationships, <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-attachment-and-how-does-it-affect-our-relationships-120503" target="_blank">continue to shape us as adults</a>. These experiences can also affect how comfortable people feel <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.proquest.com/openview/cdd5594c53a7864881fb71e54a7422f1/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=1819046" target="_blank">exploring new experiences</a> and leaving home, which can affect how they travel. Some travelers leave with excitement, while others experience <a rel="noopener" href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0047287520966392" target="_blank">hesitation or guilt</a> before the relief and excitement of departure. Mindfulness about the stages of travel can help people <a rel="noopener" href="https://web.a.ebscohost.com/abstract?direct=true&profile=ehost&scope=site&authtype=crawler&jrnl=1931311X&asa=Y&AN=31381043&h=nduDC2UXNGxscORELrBj%2fjZ6b4Xdbo4r5mkTwNhY2n2D7Oi0KAOPOw%2fsqhqshijmc4%2bMd%2fLjR2%2b3rONsdCopzg%3d%3d&crl=c&resultNs=AdminWebAuth&resultLocal=ErrCrlNotAuth&crlhashurl=login.aspx%3fdirect%3dtrue%26profile%3dehost%26scope%3dsite%26authtype%3dcrawler%26jrnl%3d1931311X%26asa%3dY%26AN%3d31381043" target="_blank">manage anxiety</a>. <img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/423194/original/file-20210924-46597-1r365j1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" alt="Mask-clad passengers pass through an airport arrival hall in Lisbon, Portugal in September 2021 amid the COVID-19 pandemic." /> Travel has picked up since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. For many people, taking a trip prompts anxiety as well as excitement. <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/mask-clad-travelers-and-people-waiting-for-arriving-news-photo/1338516440?adppopup=true" target="_blank" class="source">Horacio Villalobos/Corbis News via Getty Images</a> 3. Surrendering Travelers cannot control their journey: A flight is canceled, or a vehicle breaks down; the weather report predicts sunshine, but it rains for days on end. To some extent, they have to surrender to the unknown. Modern Western cultures tend to see “surrendering” as something negative – as hoisting a white flag. But as a <a rel="noopener" href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00107530.1990.10746643" target="_blank">therapeutic concept</a>, surrendering helps people let go of inhibiting habits, discover a sense of wholeness and <a rel="noopener" href="https://doi.org/10.1215/10407391-2005-006" target="_blank">experience togetherness</a> with others. The perfectionist learns that a changed itinerary doesn’t mean a diminished travel experience and lets go of their fear of failure. The person with a strong sense of independence grows in vulnerability as they receive care from strangers. In fact, some psychological theories hold that the self longs for surrender, in the sense of liberation: letting down its defensive barriers and <a rel="noopener" href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0022167820975636" target="_blank">finding freedom</a> from attempts to control one’s surroundings. Embracing that view can help travelers cope with the reality that things may not go according to plan. 4. Meeting Meeting, traveling’s fourth phase, is the invitation to discover oneself and others anew. All cultures have unconscious “<a rel="noopener" href="https://www.routledge.com/The-Location-of-Culture/Bhabha/p/book/9780415336390" target="_blank">rules of recognition</a>,” their own ingrained customs and ways of thinking, making it more difficult to forge cross-cultural connections. Carrying <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Serene-Tse-2/publication/347739970_Assessing_explicit_and_implicit_stereotypes_in_tourism_self-reports_and_implicit_association_test/links/60ad92f1299bf13438e82cbe/Assessing-explicit-and-implicit-stereotypes-in-tourism-self-reports-and-implicit-association-test.pdf" target="_blank">conscious and unconscious stereotypes</a>, travelers may see some people and places as uneducated, dangerous, poor or <a rel="noopener" href="https://doi.org/10.3390/su12229405" target="_blank">sexual</a>, while hosts may see travelers as rich, ignorant and exploitable. Going beyond such stereotypes requires that travelers be mindful of behaviors that can add tension to their interactions – knowing conversational topics to avoid, for example, or following local dress codes. In many parts of the world, those challenges are intensified <a rel="noopener" href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1468797603049658" target="_blank">by the legacy of colonization</a>, which makes it harder for people to meet in authentic ways. Colonial views still influence Western perceptions of nonwhite groups as <a rel="noopener" href="https://hrcak.srce.hr/index.php?show=clanak&id_clanak_jezik=80794" target="_blank">exotic</a>, <a rel="noopener" href="https://doi.org/10.1080/14616688.2012.762688" target="_blank">dangerous</a> and inferior. Starting to overcome these barriers demands an attitude known as <a rel="noopener" href="https://melanietervalon.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/CulturalHumility_Tervalon-and-Murray-Garcia-Article.pdf" target="_blank">cultural humility</a>, which is deeper than “cultural competence” – simply knowing about a different culture. Cultural humility helps travelers ask questions like, “I don’t know,” “Please help me understand” or “How should I…” 5. Caring Caring involves overcoming “<a rel="noopener" href="https://www.taylorfrancis.com/books/mono/10.4324/9781003070672/moral-boundaries-joan-tronto" target="_blank">privileged irresponsibility</a>”: when a traveler does not recognize their own privilege and take responsibility for it, or does not recognize other people’s lack of privilege. Travel becomes irresponsible when tourists ignore injustices and inequities they witness or the way their travels contribute to the <a rel="noopener" href="https://doi.org/10.1108/TR-03-2017-0066" target="_blank">unfolding climate crisis</a>. Ethically, “empathy” is not enough; travelers must pursue solidarity, as an act of “<a rel="noopener" href="https://www.fortresspress.com/store/product/9781506472065/Just-Traveling" target="_blank">caring with</a>.” That might mean hiring local guides, eating in family-owned restaurants and being mindful of the resources like food and water that they use. 6. Returning Travels do end, and returning home can be <a rel="noopener" href="https://doi.org/10.4337/9781786438577.00025" target="_blank">a disorienting experience</a>. Coming back can cause <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/90015633" target="_blank">reverse culture shock</a> if travelers struggle to readjust. But that shock can diminish as travelers share their experiences with others, stay connected to the places they visited, <a rel="noopener" href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijintrel.2016.05.004" target="_blank">deepen their knowledge</a> about the place and culture, anticipate a possible return trip or get involved in causes that they discovered on their trip. I believe that reflecting on these six phases can invite the kind of mindfulness needed for transformative, ethical travel. And <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.scielo.br/j/aabc/a/76CfqdL5pPBZLcQy9FdWwxn/?lang=en&format=html" target="_blank">amid a pandemic</a>, the need for thoughtful travel that prioritizes host communities’ well-being is clear. <div> <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.ats.edu/" target="_blank">Vanderbilt University Divinity School is a member of the Association of Theological Schools.</a><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/167687/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> The ATS is a funding partner of The Conversation U.S.</div> <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jaco-j-hamman-408106" target="_blank">Jaco J. Hamman</a>, Professor of Religion, Psychology, and Culture, <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/vanderbilt-university-1293" target="_blank">Vanderbilt University</a> This article is republished from <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com" target="_blank">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/looking-for-transformative-travel-keep-these-six-stages-in-mind-167687" target="_blank">original article</a>. <img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/338598/original/file-20200529-78871-1g5gse5.jpg?w=128&h=128" alt="" /> <div> </div>

Travel Tips

John Travolta recalls heartbreaking conversation with son over Kelly Preston

John Travolta has recalled an emotional conversation he had with his son, Ben, after the death of Kelly Preston. While appearing on Kevin Hart’s Peacock talk show series, Hart, the 67-year-old A-lister opened up about the heartbreaking chat he had with his 10-year-old son, after the family lost Preston to breast cancer in 2020. The actress battled the disease for two years out of the public eye. <img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7843357/travolta-family-kelly-preston-1.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/5370c8c14d914e19a0e01f0ef76dbcc7" /> Travolta revealed he and his son were walking through their neighbourhood, when Ben admitted he was afraid to lose his father. "He said to me once, 'Because mum passed away, I'm afraid you're going to,'" the Grease star shared. "I said, 'Well, it's a very different thing.' And I went through the differences about my longevity and her limited life," he continued. "I said, 'But you know, Ben… You always love the truth and I'm going to tell you the truth about life. Nobody knows when they're gonna go or when they're going to stay.' <img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7843358/travolta-family-kelly-preston-2.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/15fe78c4354b40a08661df0779387e27" /> "Your brother [Jett] left at 16. Too young. Your mother left at 57. That was too young. But who's to say? I could die tomorrow. You could. Anybody can. “So let's look at it like it's part of life. You don't know exactly. You just do your best at trying to live the longest you can." Travolta and Preston shared three children together, including daughter Ella, 21, Ben, 10, and Jett, who died in 2009 when he was just 16 after suffering a seizure.

Family & Pets

15 questions polite people never ask

<div class="share-buttons"> <div class="addthis_inline_share_toolbox" data-url="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/culture/15-questions-polite-people-never-ask" data-title="15 questions polite people never ask | Reader's Digest Australia" data-description="While your intentions may come from the right place, you need to think about how a question will make the object of your interrogation feel before speaking. Here are the questions that experts say to put on your "just don't say it" list."> <div class="at-resp-share-element at-style-responsive addthis-smartlayers addthis-animated at4-show at-mobile" aria-labelledby="at-a02d1d62-6b60-4b42-a7aa-4fc057d9ccc5"> How to tell if a question is appropriate Asking questions is usually a means to an end. You need information, the person you’re speaking with (hopefully) has answers. However, while this works great for “What time does the store close” or “What is your favourite book?” it gets sticky when you veer into personal territory, says Sarah Epstein, MFT, a relationship therapist. Many people may think they’re just making “polite conversation” by asking questions of the other person but they are actually coming across as intrusive or judgmental, she says. How do you know the difference? “A good rule of thumb is that polite people always think about the impact of their words instead of only thinking about the information they want to learn,” she says. You’re so cute, why are you still single? “Thoughtful, polite people don’t ask about a person’s relationship status because they know that it can be a sensitive subject for many,” Epstein says. The other issue with this question is the word “still” – something you should try to avoid because it comes across as inherently judgmental in any personal question, she adds. Why don’t you have kids yet? Polite people never ask about reproduction because they know that a person’s choice whether or not to have children can be a very touchy subject, laden with potential landmines, Epstein says. “These types of questions often lead to hurt feelings, particularly for those who struggle with infertility or those who have chosen not to have children but continually receive questions about their decision,” she says. You look so thin! Have you lost weight? For many people this may seem like the ultimate compliment, acknowledging someone else’s hard work. But unless you know for sure that the person was trying to lose weight and that they are OK with you commenting on their body, steer clear. “Polite people avoid questioning or commenting on others’ weight at all,” Epstein says. “Superficial questions rarely lead to fulfilling conversations. Plus weight loss can have many sources, including illness, eating disorders, anxiety and grief.” Why haven’t you put a ring on it yet? Even in couples who’ve been together for years, not all relationships lead to marriage and not all partners are looking to be wed, says Jodi R. R. Smith, etiquette expert and founder of Mannersmith. “The only people who should be asking these questions are the ones in the relationship,” she says. “If you just want a reason to attend a big party, you should host one yourself (after the pandemic, of course).” You seem like you’re doing well, how much money do you make? The only people allowed to ask this question are professional headhunters doing a confidential salary survey, Smith says. “If you are just curious how much your friend, cousin, or neighbour makes at their job, you can quell that curiosity by looking it up on a salary website,” she says. “Many etiquette rules have relaxed but asking about money is still tres gauche.” I’m sorry to hear your dad passed, how did he die? Curiosity about someone’s death is natural and very human, especially during a pandemic of a deadly virus, but this is still one question you shouldn’t ask, Smith says. “You need to remember that the person you are talking to is in mourning and that’s no time to play amateur detective,” she says. “You should be expressing your condolences and looking for ways to comfort the mourner and that’s it.” Plus, there are generally kinder routes to finding that information (like Google) that don’t put the burden on the family. Why do you look so tired? You may think you’re expressing concern for their health and wellbeing but what the listener likely hears is “you look bad,” says Bonnie Tsai, etiquette expert and founder and director of Beyond Etiquette. “They may be experiencing some health issues that are causing them to feel more fatigued than usual or they may just appear that way all the time,” she says. “There’s no need for you to make them feel like they need to appear a certain way that’s acceptable for your standards or society’s standards.” So, who are you voting for? “Politics has always been a taboo subject for the dinner table and most social situations because it can alter the mood of a conversation very quickly,” Tsai says. “You can never be too sure of other people’s political affiliation and values and no one likes to be put on the spot by that question.” This is particularly important to remember these days when politics, religion, and other hot button issues are centre stage. Why don’t you get out more? You may see this as a gentle way to chide your friend into trying new things, hanging out, or even travelling more. “However, this question can be perceived as offensive because it sounds as if you are suggesting the person needs more exposure and knowledge and they are uninteresting,” she says. This may also be a sore subject if someone doesn’t have the same financial resources as you and wants to do more things but can’t afford to, she adds. Oh, where is his dad? This is one of these uncomfortable, painful and unnecessary questions that too often pop out in the moment, without thinking, Parker says. “This is an intensely personal question and if people would like to talk about their personal life they tell you,” she says. “Resist asking to satisfy your curiosity about their family situation.” Are you a man or a woman? We are living in a very different time than previous generations and gender and sexuality are frequent topics around us but while it’s fine to discuss it in the abstract, it’s not fine to pepper an individual about their identity, surgeries, treatments, or anything else gender-related, Parker says. “Asking someone about their gender or sexual orientation is rude, inconsiderate, and in some circumstances, derogatory,” she says. How old are you? This is the perennial “do not ask” question and it is still on the list for good reason, Parker says. “We all know people who do not feel comfortable answering this particular question and that’s all you really need to know about it,” she says. Why they’re not interested in discussing their age isn’t any of your business. Why are you parking in the handicapped spot? “Any kind of question related to any kind of disability should be nixed,” Parker says. It’s normal to be curious but many disabilities aren’t readily visible and your question may lead them to feel uncomfortable or defensive. You’re basically asking them to tell you details of their private health history. “Anything about physical appearance related to a disability or disabilities should be strictly avoided,” she says. Are you pregnant? There really isn’t a safe answer to this question, and that’s the problem, says Lisa Mirza Grotts, etiquette expert and founder of the Golden Rules Gal. She may be pregnant but if she wanted you to know she would tell you but more likely she’s not. “A lot of women carry weight in their midsection and pointing this out is insensitive and hurtful,” she says. What religion are you? Just like politics, religious or faith-based beliefs are very personal and oftentimes questions about religion are based on assumptions, like location, ethnicity, or appearance, Grotts says. “In conversation with another you might have an idea about someone’s religion but never press the subject unless they bring it up first or they are a good friend,” she says. <div class="author"> Written by Charlotte Hilton Andersen. This article first appeared on <a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/culture/15-questions-polite-people-never-ask?pages=1">Reader’s Digest</a>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, <a href="http://readersdigest.co.nz/subscribe">here’s our best subscription offer</a>. </div> </div> </div> </div>

Mind

12 rude conversation habits you need to stop ASAP

Interrupting people It happens to everyone who likes chitchatting. Something pops into your head while your friend is speaking, and you interrupt them to blurt it out. Although this might happen occasionally, it’s definitely more of a rude conversation habit for many people. Emilie Dulles, who has more than 29 years of experience in traditional etiquette, says interrupting people is the most common rude conversation habit she encounters. Interrupting not only expresses a lack of interest or respect for the speaker, but it also stops people from sharing the punchline or pearl of wisdom that might come at the end of their story, according to Dulles. So always let others finish their thoughts completely unless what you have to say is extremely urgent or related to an emergency, adds Bonnie Tsai, the founder and director of Beyond Etiquette. Overusing sarcasm Sarcasm is a hit or miss in most conversations, especially if people don’t already know your sense of humour, according to Tsai. So always be mindful of your audience and determine if it’s the right time or place. “If you have to ask whether or not it’s appropriate, it’s most likely not,” says Tsai. Only talking about yourself Strictly talking about yourself while speaking with others makes you appear narcissistic and inconsiderate of other people and their feelings. “Everyone’s experience and feelings are just as important as yours,” says Tsai. “They want to be able to share their stories just like you want to share yours.” Not only is talking exclusively about yourself pompous but Julia Esteve Boyd, an international etiquette consultant based in Switzerland who travels globally, says that monopolising the conversation is just plain irritating and boring. Scrolling while speaking Being distracted by your phone is one of the rude conversation habits that are more popular than ever before, according to Tsai. “Our phones are great for connecting with those who are far away, however, it takes time away from those who we are with in the moment,” says Tsai. If you use your phone during a conversation, it might signal boredom, that you’d rather be elsewhere, or that whatever is happening on your phone is more essential. “The message won’t go away, but the person we are conversing with might,” says Boyd. Using your phone during a conversation is the “height of rudeness,” according to Boyd. Always needing to be “right” If the conversation takes turns into more of a debate, don’t worry about being “right.” Insisting on winning an argument doesn’t mean you win the fight since this kind of behaviour is rude, says Tsai. “The important thing isn’t about being right or wrong, but understanding where each other is coming from and the ability to empathise with one another without judgment,” says Tsai. “That’s how we can have more productive conversations to help us move forward and learn about one another.” One-upping the other person So your friend just mentioned their first-ever international trip to Italy – and all you want is to chatter away about your semester abroad in Milan. It might be a good idea to hold off. “Someone else sharing their experience with you doesn’t require you to counter with your own,” says Tsai. “They are simply sharing a personal experience with you rather than hear about how you recently had the same experience or something even better.” Prepping your response before the end of a story Too many people these days aren’t actually listening to a conversation intentionally. Instead, “they are waiting for their turn to speak, or in the worst cases, interrupting to get to speak right now,” says Dulles. Instead of preparing what you want to say next, Dulles suggests taking a deep breath and taking in what the other person says. After a few seconds pass, it’s your turn to speak. Turning every conversation into gossip Dulles says that gossip is at a new level in conversation today, thanks to social media. Not only is there less time to process information, but this also leads to comparison and envy – turning spectators into critics and gossipers in no time, according to Dulles. Whether you converse via phone or in person, the old adage holds true: If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything. Asking probing questions Some questions are just too personal for casual or group conversations. And Boyd has to correct her clients for asking these questions that are too personal. Instead, keep all conversational topics neutral. “Talk about your culture, another culture, food, travel, wine, hobbies, local news and general family questions,” says Boyd. If other people start in with intrusive questions, you can answer them without making things awkward. For people who ask how much money you make say, “Not enough!” Or if your cousin won’t stop asking when you’re having kids say, “I don’t know, but I may need a babysitter one day, can I count on you?” Making inappropriate comments It’s key to be respectful of other people’s boundaries and sensitivities, regardless of gender or culture. “If you accidentally let an inappropriate comment slip, apologise, take responsibility, and use it as a teaching moment for yourself and others,” says Tsai. Not reading the room If there’s one thing you take away from this list of rude conversation habits, it’s the importance of reading the room. This expression is popular because it speaks to the need for self-awareness as well as the awareness of others, according to Dulles. “Your conversation topics, tone and volume need to be streamlined to the setting and the people around you,” says Dulles. Assuming you’re a good conversationalist There’s always room for improvement, even if you don’t think you’re guilty of these rude conversation habits. “Conversation etiquette ultimately stems from having respect and consideration for others,” says Tsai. If you aren’t sure whether or not you have any conversation habits that come off as rude, ask your close friends and family to help you out. “They can help you be aware of any quirks or habits you have when you’re spending time with others that can be perceived as inappropriate,” says Tsai. More importantly, once you know these things, you can work on them and become an even better conversationalist. Written by Emily DiNuzzo. This article first appeared on <a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/12-rude-conversation-habits-you-need-to-stop-asap?pages=1">Reader’s Digest</a>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, <a href="http://readersdigest.co.nz/subscribe">here’s our best subscription offer</a>.

Relationships

Signs you’re a conversational narcissist

Showing conversational narcissism doesn’t mean you have a personality disorder. (To learn more about that, watch out for these 12 signs you’re dealing with a narcissist.) The term was coined by sociologist Charles Derber and describes the tendency to turn a conversation back to yourself. A balanced dialogue should involve both sides, but conversational narcissists tend to keep the focus on themselves, so you’re getting attention but not giving any away, says licenced marriage and family therapist Kate Campbell, PhD. “It invalidates the other person and what they’re trying to share,” she says. The problem is, talking about ourselves is natural, so it’s hard to notice when you’re overdoing it. You don’t ask many questions Asking questions gives the other person a chance to elaborate more – so conversational narcissists won’t ask them, says Celeste Headlee, author of We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter. “If they do ask questions, they’re questions that lead back to themselves,” she says. “Things like ‘Do you know what I mean?’ ‘Did I tell you about this?’ ‘Did we see this movie?’” To be a better listener, ask follow-up questions to show interest in what the other person is saying. You use a lot of filler phrases Even when listening to another person, a conversational narcissist will respond mostly with fillers like “hmm” or “interesting” instead of showing any true curiosity, says Headlee. “It’s passive conversational narcissism, which is withholding attention until the attention goes back to ourselves,” she says. Make sure you’re fully engaged in a conversation, even if you can’t personally relate – your relationship will be stronger for it. You’ve been talking for ages The amount of time you’ve been talking is a major red flag that you’re showing conversational narcissism. “It becomes more of a monologue versus a dialogue,” says Dr Campbell. “You need to have a back-and-forth flow.” Make a point of being more self-aware of how long you’ve been talking. If no one else can get a word in edgewise, it’s time for you to step aside for the next speaker. The listeners’ eyes are glazing over Because you care so much about what you’re talking about, sometimes it can be hard to realise that you’ve been dominating the conversation. The trick, then, is to notice subtle cues in the people you’re with. “Their body language might look uncomfortable, or they could be crossing their arms or not paying attention,” says Dr Campbell. Some might even be scrolling through their phones to avoid engaging. At that point, try to bring one of them into the conversation by mentioning something he or she would want a say in. You wait until you’re done to ask questions You’ve noticed you’ve been doing most of the talking in the conversation – great! That’s the first step to shutting down your own conversational narcissism. But it won’t mean much if you only say “enough about me!” at the end of your chat when everyone is getting ready to leave, you aren’t giving the other person much chance to talk. “It’s a nod to politeness … when really it’s just surface and not an honest invitation,” says Headlee. Give the others a chance to get a word in early on so you can have a balanced two-way conversation. One phrase Headlee says you shouldn’t let out of your mouth when someone else is dealing with a tragedy: “I know how you feel.” You might think you’re showing support, but that phrase is actually turning the conversation away from the other person’s pain and over to your own. “It shuts down that conversation,” says Headlee. “You’re saying ‘you don’t need to tell me anymore – I know how you feel.’” What that person really needs is a listening ear, she says, so encourage your friend to tell you more. No need to pretend you can’t relate, but after you share a story, bring the focus back to the other person. Try something like “I lost a parent last year too and can’t imagine what you’re going through. Is there any way I can help?” You’re constantly thinking of your next line In contrast to a conversational narcissist, a good listener “would be listening to understand versus listening to respond or share a story,” says Dr Campbell. Instead of wracking your brain for a similar story you can add to the conversation, put the focus on the speaker. Once there’s a pause, show you genuinely want to understand by confirming what you’ve heard and allowing the person to elaborate, or ask for extra details. You’re feeling awkward Some people try to ask questions to divert focus away from themselves when they’re feeling shy, says Headlee. On the other hand, others might default to conversational narcissism, says Dr Campbell. “Especially if they’re nervous or uncomfortable socially, they go back to what they know – and that’s their own personal experiences,” she says. Try these science-backed tips for boosting self-confidence to get over your nerves. Written by Marissa Laliberte. This article first appeared on <a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/8-signs-youre-a-conversational-narcissist">Reader’s Digest</a>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, <a href="http://readersdigest.co.nz/subscribe">here’s our best subscription offer</a>.

Relationships

How to help someone you live with who has depression

The coronavirus pandemic has meant sudden changes to our daily lives, with restrictions on free movement, imposed lockdowns and social distancing. Many of these measures will have taken a toll on people’s mental health. These changes have increased our exposure to known risk factors for developing depression, such as <a href="https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.ajp.2018.17111194">physical inactivity</a>, lack of structure and routine, lack of <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s12888-018-1736-5">social support</a>, <a href="https://www.jaacap.org/article/S0890-8567(20)30337-3/fulltext">loneliness</a>, and limited opportunity to do enjoyable and valued activities. Also, <a href="https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(20)30460-8/fulltext">evidence from previous pandemics</a>, such as Sars and swine flu, suggests that disease-containment measures, such as quarantine and social isolation, may be detrimental to mental health. There is growing evidence that the effect of these changes on people’s mental health across the age groups is significant, especially for <a href="https://www.medrxiv.org/content/10.1101/2020.06.16.20133116v1">those who are younger</a>. Rates of depression in adults and young people are already concerning, and are predicted by the <a href="https://www.who.int/health-topics/depression#tab=tab_1">World Health Organization</a> to rise. By 2030, depression will be the highest <a href="https://www.who.int/foodsafety/foodborne_disease/Q&A.pdf">burden of disease</a> globally, which refers to the overall impact of a health problem, including the financial cost. So although the initial focus during the pandemic has understandably been on physical health, it is therefore crucial that we also turn our attention to people’s mental health, <a href="https://academic.oup.com/ije/article/45/1/131/2363790">particularly as the two are related</a>. A lot of advice addresses the person with depression, but here we give advice on what you can do if you live with someone who is depressed. Clues in their behaviour Many people find it difficult to ask for help and to let others know how they are feeling. Don’t assume someone is OK just because they say they are. It’s better to ask more questions and risk being annoying than to miss something important, such as <a href="https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/symptoms/">symptoms of depression</a>. If they don’t want to tell you, watch their behaviour and notice anything unusual, such as sleeping much later, not eating, staring for long periods, cancelling and avoiding many things. People’s feelings are often linked to their thoughts and behaviour, and this is demonstrated in the <a href="https://www.babcp.com/public/What-is-CBT.aspx">cognitive behavioural therapy</a> model. When people feel depressed, they often experience repeating streams of negative thoughts. It can be helpful to encourage someone who is thinking this way to try to look at different sides to a situation. Useful questions might be: “What advice would you give a friend in this situation?” or “What would be a more helpful way of thinking about this?” Depression gives rise to self-critical thoughts, such as “I’m no good”, “I shouldn’t feel this way”. Not surprisingly these thoughts then fuel the depression further. It’s helpful to let the depressed person know that you can see how they are feeling and that their feelings are understandable and valid, and will pass in time. This type of validation can help someone who is depressed refrain from criticising themselves for having difficult feelings and to develop more <a href="https://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/resources">self-compassion</a>. People who are depressed commonly withdraw from other people and activities. By doing fewer enjoyable and valued activities, it can compound a person’s depression. Try to counteract this by helping the person to re-engage with things that are important to them. Start with small things such as putting some structure into the day and perhaps <a href="https://www.cochranelibrary.com/cdsr/doi/10.1002/14651858.CD004366.pub6/full">increasing exercise</a>, or time spent in nature, if possible. Help the person gradually re-introduce activities and social contacts that they see as valuable. Make some small plans together for the future (short, medium and long-term). A person with depression may commonly find it difficult to problem-solve, and daily activities and issues can quickly start to feel overwhelming. It’s helpful to stay calm and keep conflict and stress in the house to a minimum. Support the person to generate <a href="https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/mental-health/mental-health-self-help-guides/problem-solving-self-help-guide">simple solutions to problems</a> and encourage them to put these <a href="https://cedar.exeter.ac.uk/media/universityofexeter/schoolofpsychology/cedar/documents/liiapt/Problems_to_Solutions.pdf">solutions and ideas into action</a> rather than avoiding things. Seek outside help There are a number of other effective <a href="https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg90">treatments for depression</a>. Encourage the person you are supporting to seek extra help if needed. This might be in the form of <a href="https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/treatments/#TalkingTreatmentsForDepression">online information</a> and online courses for both <a href="https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/anxiety-depression-and-cbt">adults</a> and <a href="https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/low-mood-during-covid-19">young people</a>; through <a href="https://reading-well.org.uk/books/books-on-prescription">self-help books</a>; or by contacting your local healthcare provider or mental health services in your area. Remember, your wellbeing is extremely important when supporting someone with depression. Take time for <a href="https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/covid-19-guidance-for-the-public-on-mental-health-and-wellbeing/guidance-for-the-public-on-the-mental-health-and-wellbeing-aspects-of-coronavirus-covid-19">self-care</a> so you can model positive behaviours and be replenished enough to provide this crucial support.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/141480/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/monika-parkison-1129916">Monika Parkison</a>, Research Fellow and Clinical Psychologist, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-reading-902">University of Reading</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/maria-loades-1131527">Maria Loades</a>, Senior Lecturer, Clinical Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-bath-1325">University of Bath</a> This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-to-help-someone-you-live-with-who-has-depression-141480">original article</a>.

Mind

What is love?

From songs and poems to novels and movies, romantic love is one of the most enduring subjects for artworks through the ages. But what about the science? Historical, cultural and even evolutionary evidence suggests love existed during ancient times and across many parts of the world. Romantic love has been found to exist in <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/3773618?seq=1">147 of 166 cultures</a> looked at in one study. The complexity of love has much to do with how people experience it differently and how it can change over time. Like, love, or ‘in love’? Psychological <a href="https://www.wiley.com/en-gl/The+Science+of+Intimate+Relationships%2C+2nd+Edition-p-978111943004">research</a> over the past 50 years has investigated the differences between liking someone, loving someone and being “in love”. Liking is described as having positive thoughts and feelings towards someone and finding that person’s company rewarding. We often also experience warmth and closeness towards the people we like. In some instances we choose to be emotionally intimate with these people. When we <a href="https://www.wiley.com/en-gl/The+Science+of+Intimate+Relationships%2C+2nd+Edition-p-9781119430049">love someone</a> we experience the same positive thoughts and experiences as when we like a person. But we also experience a deep sense of care and commitment towards that person. Being “<a href="https://www.wiley.com/en-gl/The+Science+of+Intimate+Relationships%2C+2nd+Edition-p-9781119430049">in love</a>” includes all the above but also involves feelings of sexual arousal and attraction. However, research into people’s own views of love suggests that not all love is the same. Passionate vs companionate love Romantic love consists of two types: passionate and companionate love. Most romantic relationships, whether they be <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2014-04679-005">heterosexual or same sex</a>, involve both these parts. <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0140197186800434">Passionate love</a> is what people typically consider being “in love”. It includes feelings of passion and an intense longing for someone, to the point they might obsessively think about wanting to be in their arms. The second part is known as <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&lr=&id=VBZgXsk-gsAC&oi=fnd&pg=PR5&dq=walster+and+Walster,+1978&ots=0taBWjnn8h&sig=8RUJd06PzySh2WKlazt-WxvJyKI&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q=walster%20and%20Walster%2C%201978&f=false">companionate love</a>. It’s not felt as intensely, but it’s complex and connects feelings of emotional intimacy and commitment with a deep attachment toward the romantic partner. How does love change over time? <a href="https://dialnet.unirioja.es/servlet/articulo?codigo=5216150">Research</a> looking at changes in romantic love over time typically finds that although passionate love starts high, it declines over the course of a relationship. There are various reasons for this. As partners learn more about each other and become more confident in the long-term future of the relationship, routines develop. The opportunities to experience novelty and excitement can also decline, as can the frequency of <a href="https://insights.ovid.com/nejm/200708230/00006024-200708230-00005">sexual activity</a>. This can cause passionate love to subside. Although a reduction in passionate love is not experienced by all couples, various studies report approximately 20-40% of couples experience this downturn. Of couples who have been married in excess of ten years, the steepest downturn is most likely to occur over the <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1948550611417015">second decade</a>. Life events and transitions can also make it challenging to experience passion. People have competing responsibilities which affect their energy and <a href="https://www.wiley.com/en-gl/The+Science+of+Intimate+Relationships%2C+2nd+Edition-p-9781119430049">limit the opportunities</a> to foster passion. Parenthood is an example of this. In contrast, <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1999-04141-000">companionate love</a> is typically found to increase over time. Although research finds most romantic relationships consist of both passionate and companionate love, it’s the absence or reductions in companionate love, moreso than passionate love, that can negatively affect the longevity of a romantic relationship. But what’s the point of love? Love is an emotion that keeps people bonded and committed to one another. From an evolutionary psychology perspective, love evolved to keep the parents of children together long enough for them to survive and reach <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1988-20021-001">sexual maturity</a>. The period of childhood is much longer for humans than other species. As offspring rely on adults for many years to survive and to develop the skills and abilities needed for successful living, love is especially important for humans. Without love, it’s difficult to see how the human species could have <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1745691614561683">evolved</a>. A biological foundation too Not only is there an evolutionary foundation to love, love is rooted in biology. <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1743609515327636">Neurophysiological studies</a> into romantic love show that people who are in the throes of passionate love experience increased activation in brain regions associated with reward and pleasure. In fact, the <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2006-12371-004">brain regions</a> activated are the same as those activated by cocaine. These regions release chemicals such as oxytocin, vasopressin and dopamine, which produce feelings of happiness and euphoria that are also linked to sexual arousal and excitement. Interestingly, these <a href="https://academic.oup.com/scan/article/7/2/145/1622197">brain regions</a> are not activated when thinking about non-romantic relationships such as friends. These findings tell us that liking someone is not the same as being in love with someone. What’s your love style? <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/1986-13421-001">Research</a> has found three primary styles of love. First coined by psychologist <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/014616727700300204">John Lee</a>, the love styles are eros, ludus and storge. These styles include people’s beliefs and attitudes about love and act as a guide for how to approach romantic relationships. Eros This style of love refers to erotic love and is focused on physical attraction and engaging in sex, the quick development of strong and passionate feelings for another and intense intimacy. Ludus This style involves being emotionally distant and often involves “game-playing”. It’s not surprising people who endorse this love style are unlikely to commit, feel comfortable ending relationships and often start a new relationship before ending the current one. Storge Storge is often regarded as a more mature form of love. Priority is given to having a relationship with a person who has similar interests, affection is openly expressed and there is less emphasis on physical attractiveness. People high on storge love are trusting of others and are not needy or dependent on others. Or is a mixture more your style? You may see yourself in more than one of these styles. <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407598152001">Evidence</a> suggests some people possess a mixture of the three main love styles; these mixtures were labelled by Lee as mania, pragma and agape. Manic love includes intense feelings for a partner as well as worry about committing to the relationship. Pragmatic love involves making sensible relationship choices in finding a partner who will make a good companion and friend. Agape is a self-sacrificing love that is driven by a sense of duty and selflessness. Why do you love the way you do? A person’s love style has little to do with their <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-9280.1994.tb00624.x">genetics</a>. Rather, it’s associated with the development of personality and a person’s past relationship experiences. Some <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886910002771">studies</a> have found people who are high on dark traits, such as narcissism, psychopathy and machiavellianism, endorse more of a ludus or pragma love style. People who have an <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-3514.58.2.281">insecure attachment style</a>, involving a high need for validation and preoccupation with relationship partners, endorse more mania love, while those who are uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness do not endorse eros love. No matter the differences in the way love is experienced, one thing remains common for all: we as humans are social animals who have a deep fascination for it.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/139212/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/gery-karantzas-178159">Gery Karantzas</a>, Associate professor in Social Psychology / Relationship Science, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/deakin-university-757">Deakin University</a> This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-love-139212">original article</a>.

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