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The menopause: dreaded, derided and seldom discussed

<a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/isabel-de-salis-413715">Isabel de Salis</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-bristol-1211">University of Bristol</a> Women experience the menopause between the ages of around 45 and 55, but their experiences of this significant stage of life are diverse. Each woman’s menopause is unique. Common themes run through women’s stories, however. From <a href="http://www.bris.ac.uk/social-community-medicine/people/isabel-o-de-salis/pub/124277454">our research</a> talking with women in midlife, we found that they often talk about menopause as a normal, inevitable and natural process, which of course, it is. Seeing menopause in this way allows women to minimise symptoms and behave stoically. “It’s no big deal,” one woman told us. “You just get on with it.” But this positive approach can also be a rebuttal of a <a href="http://www.charis.wlc.edu/publications/symposium_spring02/fecteau.pdf">common perception in society</a> of the menopause as a negative event – a view which leads to denigrating women who react differently to the menopause. Because for some, menopause is considered a loss, a struggle. Bodily sensations such as mood swings or hot flushes can be overwhelming and embarrassing. The negative images many often associate with menopause can be distressing – a barren land signalling the end of fertility, youthfulness and sexuality. Women may mourn the passing of a phase of life when their biological usefulness is over – menopause is seen as “a marker of getting old”. One told us: "I feel like my life’s over. It marks the end of being young and attractive and fertile." Some of those with no close female network and who worked in predominantly male environments, felt unable to share their experience. Women often felt foolish asking for help – that they would be wasting their GP’s time or admitting incompetence to a boss. The stigma of menopause, with its <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20693828">associations of hysteria and incompetence</a>, the shame of ageing, and the taboo about revealing menopausal symptoms, compounds the distress and struggle. Stigma can become internalised so that beliefs about other people’s reactions to menopausal symptoms such as hot flushes <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21339056">can be unduly negative</a>. Less commonly, menopause is treated as a positive marker of “moving on” to the next stage – a time of “new beginnings” and renewed libido. For these women, menopause is a “rite of passage” involving both social and psychic transformation whereby a sense of self emerges anew from loss, grief and shame. Another different experience occurs when bodily sensations like hot flushes are actually welcomed. Some described the physical side of menopause as feeling “nice and toasty”, and “helping me move on to another stage in life”. So although menopause is frequently perceived negatively, as something to be ignored or dreaded, we heard positive perceptions. This is important. One woman commented: "It’s kind of a gateway isn’t it, in to the next stage of your life? It sets a point in the sand about how long you’ve been on the earth." Women with more negative attitudes towards menopause report more symptoms <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19954900">during the transition</a>, and we know from <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11400220">cross-cultural research</a> that experiences of menopause are socio-culturally shaped and not universal. The most <a href="http://www.annualreviews.org/doi/abs/10.1146/annurev-anthro-081309-145641">common reported symptom among Japanese women</a>, for example, is not hot flushes or night sweats, but chilliness. Menopause can be experienced particularly negatively where fertility status is highly valued <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14559382">as in rural Iran</a>. But where post-reproductive status is seen as positively transforming, as <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11833972">among Taureg women</a> in the Sahara desert, or <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/journal/03785122/4/3?sdc=1">Rajput women</a> in India, it is welcomed. Contrasting lifestyles, physiology, diet, genetics, reproductive history and physical environment all contribute to the variety of experiences worldwide. But we need also to acknowledge how important are the expectations and meanings of menopause, and the attitudes towards fertility loss and ageing. <h2>Reclaiming the menopause</h2> Many women want and need more support going through menopause. They want reliable information. There is now more discussion about <a href="https://theconversation.com/three-reasons-employers-need-to-recognise-the-menopause-at-work-82543">what can be done in the workplace</a> to support women through menopause, especially if they have difficult symptoms. A <a href="https://www2.le.ac.uk/offices/press/press-releases/2017/august/workplace-menopause-study-finds-2018women-feel-they-need-to-cope-alone2019">recent report</a> from the University of Leicester acknowledged that gendered ageism is a significant concern for women at work. The <a href="https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng23">official guidelines on menopause</a> may enable the health sector to address women’s health matters seriously. Can we reclaim the menopause as a powerful and positive process in women’s lives? It is difficult to experience menopause as transformative when it is primarily considered as degeneration and decline, and the <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dfBHoWeU9bcC&pg=PT21&lpg=PT21&dq=the+left+hand+of+the+goddess:+the+silencing&source=bl&ots=0GONJu1QsZ&sig=_ur-ybuCgGvn-Vzh6FDHeZUOC8M&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjj5pHHsffWAhVJBsAKHfpdCEMQ6AEILTAB#v=onepage&q=the%20left%20hand%20of%20the%20goddess%3A%20the%20silencing&f=false">multiple meanings of menopause are hidden</a>. As part of our research at the University of Bristol, we are <a href="https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/our-menopauses-the-great-menopause-event-tickets-38138665776">inviting women</a> to share their experiences with us. Menopause is a political issue that is rarely discussed. Imagine, for example, a society that accepts women having hot flushes in the boardroom or in which post-reproductive status is valued. Perhaps even a society which allows for women to welcome the menopause. Fundamentally, we need to value all women’s diverse menopausal experiences without assuming they are hysterical, incompetent, or “past it”. We need to end the silence that surrounds a stage of life that half of humanity go through.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/85281/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/isabel-de-salis-413715">Isabel de Salis</a>, Research Fellow in Medical Anthropology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-bristol-1211">University of Bristol</a> Image credits: Shutterstock This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-menopause-dreaded-derided-and-seldom-discussed-85281">original article</a>.

Caring

Gastro or endometriosis? How your GP discusses uncertainty can harm your health

You wake with stomach pain that worsens during the day and decide to see your doctor. You describe your symptoms and your doctor examines you. Then the doctor says, “From what I hear, I think you could just have a stomach bug. Rest and come back in three days.” This might be a less definitive answer than you’re after. But doctors can’t always be sure of a diagnosis straight away. As <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11606-022-07768-y">my review</a> shows, doctors use various ways of communicating such uncertainty. Sometimes there is a mismatch between what doctors say when they’re uncertain and how patients interpret what they say, which can have harmful consequences. <h2>Why does uncertainty matter?</h2> Doctors <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11606-017-4164-1">cannot always explain</a> what your health problem is or what caused it. Such diagnostic uncertainty is a normal and <a href="https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.2022.2141">ever-present part</a> of the processes leading to a diagnosis. For instance, doctors often have to rule out other possible diagnoses before settling on one that’s most likely. While doctors ultimately get the diagnosis right <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1136/bmjqs-2012-001615">in 85-90%</a> of cases, diagnostic uncertainty can lead to diagnostic delays and is a huge contributor to harmful or even deadly misdiagnoses. Every year, <a href="https://www.mja.com.au/system/files/issues/213_07/mja250771.pdf">an estimated</a> 21,000 people are seriously harmed and 2,000-4,000 people die in Australia because their diagnosis was delayed, missed or wrong. That could be because the wrong treatment was provided and caused harm, or the right treatment was not started or given after the condition had already considerably progressed. More than <a href="https://www.mja.com.au/system/files/issues/213_07/mja250771.pdf">80% of diagnostic errors</a> could have been prevented. Three medical conditions – infections, cancer and major vascular events (such as strokes or heart attacks) – are the so-called “<a href="https://doi.org/10.1515/dx-2019-0019">Big Three</a>” and cause devastating harm if misdiagnosed. In my review, the top three symptoms – fever, chest pain and abdominal pain – were most often linked to diagnostic uncertainty. In other words, most of us will have had at least one of these very common symptoms and thus been at risk of uncertainty and misdiagnosis. Some groups are less likely to be diagnosed correctly or without inappropriate delay than others, leading to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.2022.7252">diagnostic inequities</a>. This may be the case for <a href="https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/whr.2022.0052">women</a>, and other groups marginalised because of their <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/acem.14142">race or ethnicity</a>, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2020.113609">sexual orientation or gender identity</a>, or <a href="https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.2022.7252">language proficiency</a>. <h2>How often do you hear ‘I don’t know’?</h2> My research showed doctors often make diagnostic uncertainty clear to patients by using explicit phrases such as: “I don’t know.” But doctors can also keep quiet about any uncertainty or signal they’re uncertain in more subtle ways. When doctors believe patients prefer clear answers, they may only share the most likely diagnosis. They say: “It’s a stomach bug” but leave out, “it could also be constipation, appendicitis or endometriosis”. Patients leave thinking the doctor is confident about the (potentially correct or incorrect) diagnosis, and remain uninformed about possible other causes. This can be especially frustrating for patients with chronic symptoms, where such knowledge gaps can lead to lengthy diagnostic delays, as reported for <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ajog.2018.12.039">endometriosis</a>. Subtle ways of communicating uncertainty include hedging with certain words (could, maybe) or using introductory phrases (my guess, I think). Other implicit ways are consulting a colleague or the Internet, or making follow-up appointments. If patients hear “I think this could be a stomach bug” they may think there’s some uncertainty. But when they hear “come back in three days” the uncertainty may not be so obvious. Sharing uncertainty implicitly (rather than more directly), can leave patients unaware of new symptoms signalling a dangerous change in their condition. <h2>What can you do about it?</h2> 1. Ask about uncertainty Ask your doctor to share any <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1515/dx-2021-0086">uncertainty and other diagnostic reasoning</a>. Ask about alternative diagnoses they’re considering. If you’re armed with such knowledge, you can better engage in your care, for example asking for a review when your symptoms worsen. 2. Manage expectations together Making a diagnosis can be an evolving process rather than a single event. So ask your doctor to outline the diagnostic process to help manage any <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1136/ebm.14.3.66">mismatched expectations</a> about how long it might take, or what might be involved, to reach a diagnosis. Some conditions need time for symptoms to evolve, or further tests to exclude or confirm. 3. Book a long appointment When we feel sick, we might get anxious or find we experience heightened levels of fear and other emotions. When we hear our doctor isn’t certain about what’s causing our symptoms, we may get even more anxious or fearful. In these cases, it can take time to discuss uncertainty and to learn about our options. So book a long appointment to give your doctor enough time to explain and for you to ask questions. If you feel you’d like some support, you can ask a close friend or family member to attend the appointment with you and to take notes for you. Image credits: Getty Images This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/gastro-or-endometriosis-how-your-gp-discusses-uncertainty-can-harm-your-health-196943" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>.

Caring

Frequent flyer discusses the biggest sins of travelling

A frequent traveller has shared what she believes are the biggest sins of travelling. Posting a series of videos on TikTok, frequent flyer and travel influencer Tinx bluntly exposed the “worst things” people can do in airports and on planes. The 32-year-old regularly flies between London and New York to visit family, and understands that having to deal with the annoying behaviours of fellow passengers is not an easy task. Now Tinx, whose real name is Christina Najjar, has voiced her frustrations with her followers, revealing the “worst” behaviours that make for “awful travellers”, while urging anyone who is guilty of such sins to “take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror before you travel again.” While there are many things travellers can do that annoy their fellow holiday-goers, Tinx said being “unprepared” is the worst travel sin of all. “Let's begin with people that are unprepared at the front of the security line. It's a security line, you know what's coming, and yet there are still people who are fumbling around with their laptop like a child who forgot their homework.” "'Do I have to take off my jacket?’ Yes, spoiler alert, you always have to take off your jacket. Please keep the theatrical water chugging to the Uber,” she joked. Next up, Tinx trashed the “gate crowders” for their lack of awareness. “Next, let's discuss the gate crowders, they haven't even put up our flight on the little digital board and you're crowding around the gate like it's the stampede from The Lion King, grinding your foot into the ground like you're about to run with the bulls,” she said. “Aside from the fact that you're in group five, I got to tell you buddy, we're all going to the same place, we're all getting on the same plane.” Lastly, the influencer explained her anger at the other passengers who are “a**holes” when it comes to the overhead bins. “It always baffles me with the bins because it's very simple, just don't be an a**hole.” “Put your overstuffed away suitcase and your ugly little personal item in the seat in front of you,” she said. Many of Tinx’s viewers agreed with her travel qualms, with the comments being flooded with additional faux pas that get under the skin of frequent flyers. One user said, “How about those who as soon as the plane is stopped and the seatbelt sign is off they rush to the front of the plane.” Another commented, “What about the people that go back and forth in the aisle trying to choose a seat that suits their preference while other people are boarding?” Image credits: TikTok

Travel Tips

Steve Martin discusses his love for Indigenous Australian art

Comedian and actor Steve Martin has long been an avid art lover and collector. After making onto ARTnews Top 200 Collectors list several times in the 1990s, he has recently turned his attention to Indigenous Australian art and its deep cultural history. With his wife Anne Stringfield, he’s bought works by Indigenous artists such as Bill Whiskey Tjapaltjarri, Timo Hogan, Carlene West, Warlimpirrnga Tjapaltjarri, and Doreen Reid Nakamarra, among many others. His love for these works began almost 10 years ago, as he shared with <a href="https://www.artnews.com/art-news/news/actor-steve-martin-on-the-joys-and-the-difficulties-of-collecting-contemporary-indigenous-australian-art-1234644806/">ARTnews</a>. He said, “It all started with one picture by this artist, Warlimpirrnga Tjapaltjarri. I just really liked it, bought it, and hung it in our house for several years. I really didn’t know that there was a whole big funnel going back this way of its history.” “I hadn’t really seen anything like this before. And they were available, which is an aspect of the art world now that is the opposite—most things are unavailable. And I loved them. I thought they were great.” He said his collection, which includes over a hundred works, is “hard to improve” when dealing with art pieces that are increasingly rare. Some of the works he owns have been displayed in non-selling shows at Gagosian locations in New York and Beverly Hills, California, with Steve saying he “loves just getting these pictures seen” by like-minded art fans. Image credits: Getty Images

Art

"A lot of distress": Rebel Wilson discusses being "outed" by media outlet

Rebel Wilson has opened up about her "pain" and distress" over being outed by a Sydney Morning Herald reporter. The publication was condemned by the Australian Press Council for “outing” her relationship with girlfriend Ramona Agruma, prompting Rebel to break her silence on the ordeal. The actress slammed the “grubby” behaviour of the journalist in question, sharing the “pain” of having to announce her new relationship prematurely. The 42-year-old announced her relationship with the American fashion designer Agruma in June, one month after publicly revealing she was “happily in a relationship”. After making the announcement, Sydney Morning Herald gossip columnist Andrew Hornery called out the actress who “opted to gazump the story”. Horney claimed he contacted the actress and gave her two days to comment before he would out her and publish a story on her same-sex relationship. The Sydney Morning Herald have since removed the article, calling it a "big mistake" to publish the article. Wilson stayed silent until the Australian Press Council condemned the publication, stating that the article was “likely to cause substantial offence and distress”. “Just seeing the news that the Australian Press Council has condemned the Sydney Morning Herald and their journalists for their recent grubby behaviour in trying to out my same-sex relationship,” Wilson began in an Instagram post. “And while I didn’t personally ask for any action to be taken I am glad that this has been officially recorded and recognised.” “Their actions did cause Ramona and I a lot of distress and while we’ve remained classy, there are still pains from having to rush this news publicly which we are dealing with,” she continued. “We move on, focusing on all the absolutely amazing new things in our life though! Sending love to everyone 💗 #loveislove,” her post ended. The ruling from the Australian Press Council deemed that the publication had breached the council’s principles. “The tenor of the publication’s communications with Ms Wilson concerning a deeply personal matter, and the associated commentary on a matter which had no apparent connection to her public activities, intruded on her reasonable expectations of privacy,” a statement said, published on the Herald’s website. Image credits: Getty Images

Relationships

Daniel Johns discusses Silverchair shooting tragedy

In 1995, a 16-year-old boy in the state of Washington, aided by his friend, opened fire and killed both his parents and brother. When the shooter was apprehended, they were allegedly playing Silverchair’s Israel’s Son, which was released the same year and boasts controversial and hateful lyrics. Now, 27 years on, Silverchair frontman Daniel Johns has opened up about the tragedy. “It’s pretty devastating to write a song when you’re a teenager and then have lives taken because apparently it influenced the people to murder someone — that’s too much,” Johns told American radio personality Megan Holiday on In The Mind of Daniel Johns docuseries. An in-depth report on the murders published by Spin magazine in their September 1996 issue cited evidence that the shooter pulled a blood-spattered cassette out of his father’s hand, shrieking “That’s my f***ing tape!” It was Silverchair’s debut album Frogstomp. The shooter’s friend alleged that he put the tape in the stereo and rewound it to the track Israel’s Son. The witness’s version of events, which unfolded at his trial in January 1996, had his friend kicking the deceased bodies of his parents as the song played. The shooter’s lawyer Tom Copland would cite the lyrics of Israel's Son at an evidentiary hearing: “Hate is what I feel for you/I want you to know that I want you dead’. They petitioned the court to be allowed to play the song in his opening statement, as he claimed the song’s lyrics were “almost a script” for the killings. Johns, who was just 16 at the time, said he internalised his trauma after hearing the horrific news. “It affected me, but I had to act like it didn’t,” he said. “I couldn’t acknowledge it, I guess that was part of the patterns.” The Aussie rocker said he didn’t want fans to look to him for meanings or “guidance”. “I don’t like that people look to me for guidance in the songs. I don’t like it,” he said. Image credits: Getty Images

Music

Prince Harry discusses his mental health journey in candid interview

Prince Harry has shared a rare insight into his mental health journey in a candid interview. The interview, which has been published on YouTube for Silicon Valley tech start-up BetterUp, shows the Duke of Sussex taking on the role of interviewer as he declared "we all have greatness within us". "Mental fitness helps us unlock it. It's an ongoing practice, one where you approach your mind as something to flex, not fix," Prince Harry said. Harry joined BetterUp in March last year as its chief impact officer, in what is believed to be one of the duke's first paying roles in his new life of "financial freedom" away from the royal family. "Throughout the years of travelling around the world, what I saw was the similarities of experiences of trauma, of loss, of grief, of being human," Prince Harry said in the clip. "That building up of resilience is absolutely critical." Prince Harry spoke with Olympic gold medallist snowboarder Chloe Kim, BetterUp member Blu Mendoza and psychologist Adam Grant in the video, as he quizzed them about building their own “mental fitness”. "What does the term mental fitness mean to you?" Harry asked. Grant said, "Everyone is aware that if they don't take care of their bodies, that their functioning is going to suffer. I don't think we have the same awareness around mental fitness." Speaking to Grant, Harry asked: "How can we create more resilience for people, not just a better version of themselves at work but a better version for their partners, their families and their whole community?" "We all want to grow, but it's hard to do that on our own," Grant said. The interview was given as part of his work for BetterUp, with Harry saying the world was on the cusp of a "mental health awakening" and people are realising they should resign if their work "didn't bring them joy". You can check out the entire interview below. <iframe title="YouTube video player" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/iW65lB1IuSM" width="560" height="315" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe> Image credits: YouTube - BetterUp

Mind

Simon Baker discusses his "difficult" relationship with his father

Simon Baker has shared emotional family secrets and details of the strained relationship with his father on the SBS hit series Who Do You Think You Are? The Aussie actor agreed to do the show after being approached for many years, “despite my mum, sister and kids saying ‘you should do it’.” Eventually he decided to take part in the show, saying “I thought, I’ll just see what kind of adventure it is and where it will all take me.” He discussed the early days of his life after he was born in Launceston in 1969 to his father Barry Baker and mother Elizabeth. “And soon after, my parents moved to the highlands of New Guinea, with two kids, to a remote area,” he says. In the show he summarises the family’s brief time there, saying “They went on this incredible adventure – and they didn’t come back together.” He explains how his young mother went on to remarry, but his father remained in his life under a different persona. “I didn’t know he was my dad. He was a family friend, Uncle Barry. I’ve struggled with that.” A reunion between the two finally took place when Baker was 18 years old, but in the meantime, the family moved to the northern NSW beach community of Lennox Head. “It was a small community and back then it was an idyllic place to live,” Baker says. “I felt a really strong sense of belonging in that place and still do. It was a phenomenal childhood in that regard – but the personal family life was difficult.” Before he appeared on Who Do You Think You Are?, Baker “looked back at my immediate family as this sort of mess,” he says. “But the truth is, families have many different forms and I think if you can look at your own past and the past of your ancestors with compassion, you can carry that forward with you with a little bit more wisdom.” He admitted that revealing the story of his parents was "challenging", and likened his difficult childhood to why he became an actor. “I’m pretty shy … But there is a kind of psychological reason in why I became an actor. The initial desire when I was young was about connecting with people, the idea of seeing someone in a story on a screen that you could identify with, and it could help you understand feelings inside you that you didn’t necessarily know how to articulate. When I watched certain episodes of Who Do You Think You Are?, I felt a connection to that person – and with that, you don’t feel as alone.” Image credits: SBS

Family & Pets

Bon Scott’s brother discusses AC/DC frontman’s death for the first time

For the first time since the rockstar’s untimely death in 1980, Bon Scott’s closest friends and family have spoken out about his success and reliance on vices. Bon’s brother Derek said while Bon’s devil-may-care attitude was a key part of his public persona as a rockstar, it would eventually lead to his downfall as his penchant for risk-taking would backfire. Bon Scott, lead singer of AC/DC, was found dead in a car in London in 1980 after a night of heavy drinking, drug use and partying at just 33 years old. Bruce Howe, a close friend of the rockstar, said he would rely on dangerous vices while on the road, specifically when boredom would set in. “That‘s when he would start taking risks, doing wild things,” Howe said on the ABC’s Australian Story. “On days when he was bored, there was no future, there was only now.” “He didn‘t give a bugger about whether he lived or died the next day. He’d try anything — magic mushrooms, marijuana, alcohol — and he would take risks on his motorbike.” “I said, ‘You are going to f***ing kill yourself. Do something about it!’” Speaking for the first time on the death of his brother, Derek Scott said Bon’s alcoholism had always worried those closest to him. “He did get bored very quickly,” he said. “That was the biggest problem. When he got bored, he drank.” “He never worried about tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.” When Bon Scott joined AC/DC and rose to international fame, his stardom became another vehicle of self-destruction. “Within the next 12 months, they were expected to be one of the biggest acts on the planet,” Murray Engleheart, author of the book AC/DC Maximum Rock and Roll, said. “The next album was going to be the one that was really going to kick them over the goalposts.” But after barely five years of AC/DC becoming a global act, the Bon Scott era was over. “Bon’s passing as he did, on his own in a car in the freezing cold, after all his hard work and all his heartbreak getting there, was just an incredibly sad, lonely and unglamorous way to go out,” Mr Engleheart said. Mr Howe said he was gutted by the news of his death, but knew deep down that an early death was always a possibility for his friend. “He drank far too much,” Mr Howe said. ”I did wonder if he would push it too far one day. And sadly, he obviously did.” Image credits: Getty Images

Music

Tom Walker discusses carols performance with Kate Middleton

Scottish singer-songwriter Tom Walker has discussed his "top secret" rehearsal with the Duchess of Cambridge ahead of their performance together at the Royal Carols in December. Appearing on Good Morning Britain, Tom said Kate Middleton is "fantastic" and a "really talented musician". Kate played piano for Tom for his emotional performance of the song For Those Who Can't Be Here at the carols event at Westminster Abbey, surprising royal fans with her musical talent. "We had a rehearsal together, a 'top-secret' rehearsal, just to make sure we were both comfortable with playing with each other and so she could get her head around the arrangement of the song," he explained. Walker explained that the rehearsal took place at London's Metropolis Studios, and how he was sworn to secrecy. <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/CX6kRgzhTCb/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="14"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CX6kRgzhTCb/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">A post shared by Tom Walker (@iamtomwalker)</a> </div> </blockquote> "I'm sure I'm allowed to say that at this point. At the time it was very top secret," he continues. The duchess, who also hosted the event, wrote on Instagram, "Together at Christmas brought together so many inspirational individuals for a night of wonderful carols and music. "But above all, it was about celebrating the goodwill, acts of kindness, love, empathy, and compassion which have helped people come through these difficult times. "Thank you to all involved for making this happen." In an interview with <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tvandshowbiz/17149039/tom-walker-owes-kate-middleton-big-time/" target="_blank">The Sun</a>, Tom said his performance with the duchess was a "wonderful experience" and described her as "so warm". "She made the effort to thank all the musicians but it was us who felt so grateful to be part of something so special," he explains. Royal fans were stunned by Kate's hidden talent, with one person writing on social media, "She plays the piano too? Now I love her even more." Check out the performance below. <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/yw95R0Vl4_c" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen=""></iframe> Image credits: Instagram @iamtomwalker

Music

"My dear late husband": Queen Elizabeth discusses Prince Philip in climate speech

As the COP26 Climate Change Conference commenced in Glasgow, the Queen delivered a powerful speech. Speaking via video message, Her Majesty spoke from the White Drawing Room at Windsor Castle to world leaders gathered at the Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum. She encouraged people to work "side by side" to help combat the global effects of climate change, as she referenced her "dear late husband" Prince Philip, who was also passionate about the cause. “I am delighted to welcome you all to the 26th United Nations Climate Change Conference; and it is perhaps fitting that you have come together in Glasgow, once a heartland of the industrial revolution, but now a place to address climate change,” the Queen said in her message. “This is a duty I am especially happy to discharge, as the impact of the environment on human progress was a subject close to the heart of my dear late husband, Prince Philip, The Duke of Edinburgh.” Her Majesty recalled Philip's passion for protecting the planet, as she said how proud she was of his legacy. “It is a source of great pride to me that the leading role my husband played in encouraging people to protect our fragile planet, lives on through the work of our eldest son Charles and his eldest son William. I could not be more proud of them.” Speaking to the challenges of the climate emergency, the Queen said that "none of us underestimate the challenges ahead." “History has shown that when nations come together in common cause, there is always room for hope. Working side by side, we have the ability to solve the most insurmountable problems and to triumph over the greatest of adversities.” She went on to say how important fighting the climate crisis is for future generations, as she noted "none of us will live forever": a poignant statement from the 95-year-old monarch how was unable to attend the summit in person due to health reasons. Image credits: Getty Images

International Travel

Monica Lewinsky discusses her mental health during the Clinton scandal

Monica Lewinsky became a household name after she famously had an affair with President Bill Clinton during the 1990s while interning at the White House. In a recent <a href="https://edition.cnn.com/audio/podcasts/axe-files?episodeguid=b0c4a76a-a89d-47ce-becf-adb3002a2a6a">podcast interview with CNN</a>, Lewinsky discussed how the investigation into the scandal, along with the global pressure from the media, drove her to have suicidal thoughts. "I just couldn't see a way out. And I thought that maybe that was the solution," she said, explaining how she had asked lawyers working for then-independent counsel Ken Starr about what would happen if she died. <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> At the worst moment of her life, when she was seized by the FBI, questioned about her affair w/Bill Clinton & threatened W/prison, <a href="https://twitter.com/MonicaLewinsky?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@MonicaLewinsky</a> couldn’t see a way out. “What if I die?” she asked the lawyers interrogating her. New <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/AxeFiles?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#AxeFiles</a>! Pod here👉<a href="https://t.co/6gfKHZOtJ7">https://t.co/6gfKHZOtJ7</a> <a href="https://t.co/4Yqq2pZygW">pic.twitter.com/4Yqq2pZygW</a> — David Axelrod (@davidaxelrod) <a href="https://twitter.com/davidaxelrod/status/1443565658575409153?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 30, 2021</a></blockquote> Thinking back on her experience, she asks, "How was there not a protocol?" to deal with a unique situation like hers. "That's a point where you're supposed to bring a psychologist in or, you know, something," she said. The interview comes as new light is being shed on the affair in a dramatised FX series called <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-09-08/monica-lewinsky-impeachment-american-crime-story-how-to-watch/100436458">Impeachment: American Crime Story</a>, for which Lewinsky is a producer. Monica told the interviewer that after being dismissed by Ken Starr, she began seeing a forensic psychiatrist that helped her get through the ordeal. "I think a lot of people who have ever had suicidal ideations find themselves in a moment where it's just – it's a moment of grace, like, you know, two roads diverged in the woods," she said. "And the forensic psychiatrist picked up the phone. And so I was, you know, pretty, pretty lucky." In an essay published by <a href="https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2014/05/monica-lewinsky-speaks">Vanity Fair in 2014</a>, Monica said she had never attempted suicide but that she had "strong suicidal temptations several times during the investigation and one or two periods after." Monica told the podcast that she constantly had to fight to not be defined by the affair after her views of the situation changed in the wake of the #MeToo movement. "My narrative was stolen and then I lost it by trying to recede, trying to run away from everything that had happened for many years," she said, adding that part of "the work" she had to put in was accepting that she would have to face her past. She said that through working on the series, she was able to reclaim her story in the eyes of the public. "This story is about real people and I'm involved in it, but it's also about something bigger. It reflects something bigger in our society. And so as our society changes, there are different ways that this story feels relevant," Lewinsky said. Check out the trailer for the series here: <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/rtipQ3EsGWo" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen=""></iframe> Image credits: Getty Images

Mind

“Scary to talk about”: Changing discussions around breast cancer and sex

As one of the most common cancers in Australian women, the challenges of breast cancer are experienced by thousands of women each year. But one of the areas some say isn’t talked about enough is the impact of breast cancer on women’s sex lives and body image. “Health professionals are comfortable and used to talking about the side effects of chemotherapy like nausea and vomiting to patients, but many do not feel comfortable discussing the other side effects of treatment, and how these may impact intimate relationships,” says Kate White, a professor of cancer nursing from the University of Sydney Nursing School. “[Doctors] often wait for the patient to bring it up, rather than proactively explaining it as another potential side effect.” Medical oncologist Dr Belinda Kiely agrees that changes in the conversations around breast cancer and sex need to come from doctors. “We, as doctors, are very good at asking people about their pain, or their nausea or their constipation, but another line of questions should be ‘what’s happening with your sex life?’ or something along those lines,” she says. “I think we could do a better job of bringing it up and not relying on women to bring it up when it is a bit scary to talk about.” Dr Kiely also points out that changes in physical and mental symptoms can impact the sex lives of patients in various ways. Professor Fran Boyle agrees, noting that issues surrounding intimacy can arise when any serious illness is diagnosed. But, there are some issues unique to breast cancer patients when it comes to getting intimate with a partner, such as hormonal changes due to breast cancer treatment. “Breast cancer also affects a part of the body which is important for many women for arousal as well as body image, and, when sore or numb post-surgery, women may not wish to be touched on the breasts,” she says. “Hair loss from chemotherapy can also affect body image and relationships.” Other issues can include low libido, vaginal dryness or soreness, as well as hot flashes and sleeping problems, which Professor Boyle says can have an “impact on the desire for closeness”. A gap in the discussion Rebecca Angus was diagnosed with breast cancer at 33, and her eventual journey to recovery impacted her life in countless ways. In her experience, Rebecca found that discussions around sex with medical practitioners focused on medical aspects, leaving the effects on mental health unspoken. “Sex is explored at the beginning of chemotherapy education. However, it mainly focuses on fertility preservation, ovarian suppression and contraception during treatment,” Rebecca says. As Rebecca recovered, fatigue from treatment and medical restrictions on how she could engage in sexual activity had dramatic effects on her sex life. “You’ve got this cancer in your body that has tried to kill you, so you don’t have the best relationship with your body at that stage,” she says. “There are a lot of rules around when and how you can have sex as well. Your body for a while is not your own, it belongs to health professionals.” Though her experience may not be universal, Rebecca says, “Having a good sex life within a relationship is so valuable for anyone with cancer”. She also hopes to normalise conversations around these more sensitive topics so that women can obtain the help they need. “You can get help from your psychologists, gynaecologists and oncologists - your specialists are there to help you.” Professors White and Boyle will be appearing alongside Dr Kiely and Rebecca Angus for a Q&A all about breast cancer and sex on Thursday, September 30. <img style="width: 0px; height: 0px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7844487/qa.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/0a06a22ca4574d9481ca358a26eeab95" /> Image: Supplied Let’s Talk About Sex is a free Q&A session run by The Breast Cancer Trials and moderated by journalist Annabel Crabb that offers the chance for anyone to ask questions about this important issue. The online event will take place between 5pm and 6.30pm, and attendees can register <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.breastcancertrials.org.au/qa-events" target="_blank">here</a>. Image: Getty Images

Body

Want to start a book club? Here’s how

Finding fellow readers Ask around your existing personal networks, including neighbours, friends, social media, or a community noticeboard. Once you mention you want to start a club, you’ll be surprised how many people may want to come along. Ask at your local bookshop and library for ideas – many run regular reading groups and can point you in the right direction for good books. Identify what common interests you and your group have and use these to help draw like-minded people. Once you start looking, you’ll find book clubs for men or women, seniors, sci-fi lovers, teenagers or cookery buffs. The time, the place Once you have a group, agree on how often you want to meet – typically clubs meet monthly, though the time-poor may want to make it bi-monthly. For many clubs, meeting at home works best as you don’t have to get dressed up, and noisy public venues can make talking hard. If members bring a plate of food or a bottle, it takes the pressure off the host. But try rotating your meeting location as this will help to stimulate fresh thoughts. Be inspired Tailor your venue according to the book’s subject matter. The Light Between the Oceans by M.L. Stedman was discussed over fish’n’chips by one club, while The Red Tent by Anita Diamant was chewed over at a Middle Eastern restaurant. Here’s how to get your book club off to a flying start. Size matters According to Christine Callen, a book club veteran of 15 years, you need a minimum number of people per meeting to make it interesting. “Seven is the magic number – fewer and there’s not enough for healthy debate,” she says. “You can have ten people in the club – not everyone will be able to make it every time – seven provides enough opinions.” Choosing the books If you’re the club instigator, it’s easier if you pick the first book. Seek out book reviews in good magazines and newspapers and at bookshops. The flavour of the books you choose will be largely dictated by the personalities attending – you might like to have a wide range of genres from sci-fi to romance to travel epics. Or stick to one genre, such as history books. Decide on a strategy and a time frame – say five to 12 books across the year – then review how everything appeals to the majority. Take turns to come up with a list of four or five titles, then circulate the list via email shortly after your last discussion. Members can then vote on their preferred next book and meeting time. The member scheduled to host the next meeting coordinates the responses to decide the title and date most voted for. Starting discussion Callen recommends beginning by asking all members to briefly give their opinion on the book. “Everyone arrives and has a drink to loosen up,” she explains. “Then we take it in turns to go around the room and each give the book a mark out of ten, saying in a few sentences what we liked or disliked about it. This gives everyone a chance to speak early in the night and stops one person dominating the conversation from the start.” Written by Jenny Byrne. This article first appeared in <a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/articles/book-club/want-to-start-a-book-club-heres-how">Reader’s Digest</a>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, <a href="http://readersdigest.innovations.com.au/c/readersdigestemailsubscribe?utm_source=over60&utm_medium=articles&utm_campaign=RDSUB&keycode=WRA93V">here’s our best subscription offer.</a>

Books

Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan discuss baby names on Melbourne tram

Just as Prince Harry and Meghan touched down in Sydney to kickstart their 16-day royal tour, Kensington Palace announced that the couple are expecting their first child in the northern hemisphere spring next year. Since then, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have been flooded with congratulations and baby talk as they set out to complete their 76 official engagements. And yesterday, a brave school boy asked the question that the world wants to know – what they are going to name their firstborn? While the royals travelled on a Melbourne tram, 12-year-old Charlie Wolf asked the couple about the names they are considering for their first child. <img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7821458/image_.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/3e16bbd75eb24e8382a381a68066cdee" /> “We’ve been given a long list of names from everyone, we’re going to sit down and have a look at them,” Meghan replied. The newlyweds took the tram to the beach to meet lifeguards and volunteers that help keep the beach clean. This morning, Harry and Meghan visited Sydney’s Bondi Beach to take part in OneWave, an initiative that raises awareness about mental health in a fun way. Later this evening, Prince Harry will be joined by Prime Minister Scott Morrison as he climbs the Sydney Harbour Bridge to mount the Invictus Games flag. Tomorrow the royals will attend the opening ceremony of the Invictus Games, which will take place at the Sydney Opera House. It is expected that the 34-year-old prince will give a speech to fans and athletes during the opening ceremony. He will return for the closing ceremony on October 27. What baby names do you think will be on Prince Harry and Meghan's list? Let us know in the comments below.

News

Discussing death and dying inspires people to make the most of life

It's been a year since a group met in Nelson to discuss death and dying over coffee, and the conversation remains lively. Last year two Nelson women joined a world-wide trend to bring people together at a monthly Death Cafe meeting to talk openly about the enduring taboo topic. Death Cafe Nelson facilitators Kristine Rose and Barbara Greene said the group's flavour was about offering a safe place for young and old to discuss a range of life and death topics over coffee, tea and cake. <img width="497" height="280" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/37169/nelsons-death-cafe-in-text_497x280.jpg" alt="Nelson 's Death Cafe In Text"/> Barbara Greene, left, and Kristine Rose co-facilitators of Nelson Death Café. Image credit: Marion Van Dijk. "One of the main ideas around Death Cafe is to help people make the most of their finite lives," Rose said. "It is a very reassuring feeling discussing it [death] with people and not feeling alone with this. [We're] meeting simply as people who are going to die, dare I say." Greene said topics and feelings were widely explored at the meets but stressed the group was not a place to promote one idea over another, or to act as a bereavement support service. However, Death Cafe Nelson had information available to refer those in need onto other resources. Greene said topics raised during the year included the loss of children, family and friends through accidents, suicide or illness. Arguments for and against voluntary euthanasia and the subject of what happens after death were also explored. "One of the main features of Death Cafe, as a social franchise, is being tolerant of views. People really honour and accept that and become curious and interested in the views of other people. "I leave every single one feeling more alive and more appreciative of life. There's nothing morbid about it at all, even though we touch on some really deep things. I find it very uplifting and enlivening." Death Cafes have spread across Europe, North America and Australasia with 4267 groups set up in 46 countries since September 2011. If you are interested in finding out about Death Cafes in the Nelson region visit: deathcafe.com or find the Death Cafe Nelson on Facebook. Written by Jessica Long. First appeared on <a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/" target="_blank">Stuff.co.nz.</a>

Retirement Life

Tips to discuss sensitive money matters with family

Money is a touchy subject, which can divide even the closest families. To protect your finances and preserve your close relationships, it’s crucial you tackle these conversations the right way. Here are five ways to display decorum when talking money with your family. 1. It all comes down to timing There’s a time and place for everything, and so too is this true for discussions about money. Asking your adult children about their finances as they walk through the door or in the middle of dinner probably isn’t a good idea. Finding the right moment to broach the topic can be as hard as bringing it up itself, but it makes the conversation much easier. 2. Remember to have a conversation Especially with adult children, it’s important to remember you’re having a conversation. While you may be well within your right to criticise, it can really send the conversation down the wrong path. Remember that you’re having a conversation. By avoiding the urge to criticise there’s a better change you can find common points you agree on. 3. Honesty and openness is key Lies and deceit too often find their way into money matters regarding family members. If you’re being honest and open with your family members they’re more likely to reciprocate. Honest and openness is the key to success when discussing money. 4. Don’t expect to come to a resolution straight away Good things take time, and you need to understand that you won’t be able to solve all your problems at once. By being mindful of the fact that you’re probably not going to come to a resolution straight away in your money talk, the conversation can be more practical, useful and help you come to a goal that is significantly more realistic. 5. Make sure you also listen And, as is the key with any important conversation, when you’re talking money with family members it’s important to make sure you also listen. With both parties at pains to listen to each other, there’s a far better chance that the conversation will be constructive and the two of you will be able to come to a conclusion that meets everyone’s expectations. Have you ever had to have a tough conversation with a family member regarding money? What was your approach, and did you think it worked? Let us know in the comments. Related links: <a href="/finance/legal/2016/07/how-to-talk-to-grandchildren-about-money/">How to talk to grandchildren about money</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/finance/legal/2016/06/3-things-you-must-do-before-moving-in-with-family/">3 things you must do before moving in with family</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/finance/legal/2016/04/guide-to-getting-approval-for-renovations/">Guide to getting approval for renovations</a>

Legal

4 sweet grannies discuss their first kiss

There aren’t all that many things that we can recount with a smile years and years after the event. It seems our first kiss however is one of them. This adorable video asks four women from the University Settlement Senior Center in New York City about the memories of their first kiss. “I was about 13.” “I must have been 13. He was good looking. All the girls wanted him. I got him.” “It was exciting. All the girls were watching.” “They drafted him to the army. He came back after I was married.” Their responses give such an insight into an event that occurred decades ago, but seems almost like the recent past. Watch the video above and just try and not smile along with Gladys, Nellie, Rosa and Marta. Video: Mashable Related links: <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/06/simple-secrets-to-a-great-relationship/">7 simple secrets to a great relationship</a> <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/05/historic-photos-of-love-during-wartime/">15 historic photos of love during wartime</a> <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/05/marriage-secrets-from-relationship-experts/">6 marriage secrets relationship experts want you to know</a>

Relationships

64-year-old man and young boy discuss life, love and ageing

In this heart-warming video a 64-year-old man sits down with a 7-year-old. The two talk about a range of topics, asking questions about life, love and ageing, including a heart-breaking story about how the love of the 64-year-old man’s life passed away. The video is available in its entirety above. Our favourite quotes include: <ul> <li>Old man – “The great thing about being young is you have more time to do things ... I could play games ... I could use my imagination more."</li> <li>Old man – "You don't have to be rich to be happy. Do the things you like, that make you feel good."</li> <li>Young boy (when asked what advice to give) – "Don't be silly. Don't bully lots of people."</li> </ul> Related links: <a href="/health/caring/2015/12/guide-to-diy-coconut-oil-beauty-products/">Surprising ways to make DIY coconut-oil beauty products</a> <a href="/health/caring/2015/12/paracetamol-does-not-cure-flu-or-symptoms/">The best country to live out your life</a> <a href="/health/caring/2015/12/best-country-for-elderly/">Paracetamol doesn't cure flu or symptoms</a>

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Bon Scott’s brother discusses AC/DC frontman’s death for the first time

Tom Walker discusses carols performance with Kate Middleton

"My dear late husband": Queen Elizabeth discusses Prince Philip in climate speech

Monica Lewinsky discusses her mental health during the Clinton scandal

“Scary to talk about”: Changing discussions around breast cancer and sex

Want to start a book club? Here’s how

Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan discuss baby names on Melbourne tram

Discussing death and dying inspires people to make the most of life

Tips to discuss sensitive money matters with family

4 sweet grannies discuss their first kiss

64-year-old man and young boy discuss life, love and ageing