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Humans evolved to share beds – how your sleeping companions may affect you now

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/goffredina-spano-2240566">Goffredina Spanò</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/kingston-university-949">Kingston University</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/gina-mason-2240569">Gina Mason</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/brown-university-1276">Brown University</a></em></p> <p><a href="https://www.cell.com/trends/ecology-evolution/fulltext/S0169-5347(24)00176-9">Recent research</a> on animal sleep behaviour has revealed that sleep is influenced by the animals around them. Olive baboons, for instance, sleep less as group sizes increase, while mice can synchronise their rapid eye movement (REM) cycles.</p> <p>In western society, many people expect to sleep alone, if not with a romantic partner. But as with other group-living animals, human co-sleeping is common, despite some <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1389945710000377">cultural</a> and <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2352721820303053?via%3Dihub">age-related variation</a>. And in many cultures, bedsharing with a relative is considered typical.</p> <p>Apart from <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1389945710000377">western countries</a>, caregiver-infant co-sleeping is common, with rates as high as <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1087079216000265">60-100%</a> in parts of South America, Asia and Africa.</p> <p>Despite its prevalence, infant co-sleeping is controversial. Some western perspectives, that value self-reliance, argue that sleeping alone promotes self-soothing when the baby wakes in the night. But <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00221325.2021.1905599">evolutionary scientists argue</a> that co-sleeping has been important to help keep infants warm and safe throughout human existence.</p> <p><a href="https://www.sleephealthjournal.org/article/S2352-7218(22)00077-8/abstract">Many cultures</a> do not expect babies to self-soothe when they wake in the night and see night wakings as a normal part of breastfeeding <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1389945713002220?via%3Dihub">and development</a>.</p> <p>Concerns about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (Sids) have often led paediatricians to discourage bed-sharing. However, when studies control for <a href="https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0107799">other Sids risk factors</a> including unsafe sleeping surfaces, Sids risk does not seem to differ statistically between co-sleeping and solitary sleeping infants.</p> <p>This may be one reason why agencies such as the <a href="https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/150/1/e2022057990/188304/Sleep-Related-Infant-Deaths-Updated-2022?autologincheck=redirected">American Academy of Pediatrics</a>, the <a href="https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/qs37/chapter/Quality-statement-5-Safer-practices-for-bed-sharing">National Institute for Health and Care Excellence</a> and the <a href="https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/reduce-the-risk-of-sudden-infant-death-syndrome/">NHS</a> either <a href="https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/150/1/e2022057990/188304/Sleep-Related-Infant-Deaths-Updated-2022">recommend that</a> infants “sleep in the parents’ room, close to the parents’ bed, but on a separate surface,” or, if bedsharing, to make sure that the infant <a href="https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/qs37/chapter/Quality-statement-5-Safer-practices-for-bed-sharing">“sleeps on a firm, flat mattress”</a> without pillows and duvets, rather than discouraging co-sleeping altogether.</p> <p>Researchers don’t yet know whether co-sleeping causes differences in sleep or, whether co-sleeping happens because of these differences. However, experiments in the 1990s suggested that co-sleeping can <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/ajpa.20736">encourage more sustained and frequent bouts of breastfeeding</a>. Using sensors to measure brain activity, this research also suggested that infants’ and caregivers’ sleep may be lighter during co-sleeping. But researchers speculated that this lighter sleep may actually <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00221325.2021.1905599">help protect against Sids</a> by providing infants more opportunities to rouse from sleep and develop better control over their respiratory system.</p> <p>Other advocates believe that co-sleeping <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0163638319301237">benefits infants’ emotional and mental health</a> by promoting parent-child bonding and aiding infants’ <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.3109/10253890.2012.742057">stress hormone regulation</a>. However, current data is inconclusive, with most studies showing <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0163638319301249?via%3Dihub">mixed findings</a> or <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14616734.2024.2380427">no differences</a> between co-sleepers and solitary sleepers with respect to short and long-term mental health.</p> <h2>Co-sleeping in childhood</h2> <p>Childhood co-sleeping past infancy is also fairly common according to <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1389945713011076?via%3Dihub">worldwide surveys</a>. A <a href="https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article-abstract/126/5/e1119/65347/Relationship-Between-Bed-Sharing-and-Breastfeeding">2010 survey</a> of over 7,000 UK families found 6% of children were constant bedsharers up to at least four years old.</p> <p>Some families adopt co-sleeping <a href="https://capmh.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13034-023-00607-w">in response to</a> their child having trouble sleeping. But child-parent bedsharing in many countries, including some western countries <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1471-6712.2005.00358.x">like Sweden</a> where children often co-sleep with parents until school age, is viewed culturally as part of a nurturing environment.</p> <p>It is also common for siblings to share a room or even a bed. A <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00221325.2021.1916732">2021 US study</a> found that over 36% of young children aged three to five years bedshared in some form overnight, whether with caregivers, siblings, pets or some combination. Co-sleeping decreases but is still present among older children, with up to <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/fare.12955">13.8% of co-sleeping parents</a> in Australia, the UK and other countries reporting that their child was between five and 12 years old when they engaged in co-sleeping.</p> <p>Two recent US studies using wrist-worn actigraphs (motion sensors) to track sleep indicated that kids who bedshare may have <a href="https://jcsm.aasm.org/doi/10.5664/jcsm.11352">shorter sleep durations</a> than children who sleep alone. But this shorter sleep duration <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00221325.2021.1916732">is not explained by</a> greater disruption during sleep. Instead, bedsharing children may lose sleep by <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00221325.2021.1916732">going to bed later than</a> solitary sleepers.</p> <p>The benefits and downsides of co-sleeping may also differ in children with conditions such as <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1389945717303842">autism spectrum disorder</a>, <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10802-017-0387-1">mental health disorders</a> and <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/dmcn.13300">chronic illnesses</a>. These children may experience heightened anxiety, sensory sensitivities and physical discomfort that make falling and staying asleep difficult. For them, co-sleeping can provide <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11325-018-1710-y">reassurance</a>.</p> <h2>Adults sharing beds</h2> <p>According to <a href="https://www.sleepfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/NSF_Bedroom_Poll_Report_1.pdf">a 2018 survey</a> from the US National Sleep Foundation, 80-89% of adults who live with their significant other share a bed with them. Adult bedsharing has shifted over time from pre-industrial <a href="https://academic.oup.com/ahr/article-abstract/106/2/343/64370?redirectedFrom=fulltext">communal arrangements</a>, including whole families and other household guests, to <a href="https://academic.oup.com/jdh/article-abstract/23/3/275/359439?redirectedFrom=fulltext">solo sleeping</a> in response to hygiene concerns as germ theory became accepted.</p> <p>Many couples find that bedsharing boosts their <a href="https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC1978364/">sense of closeness</a>. Research shows that bedsharing with your partner can lead to <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1155/2017/8140672">longer sleep times</a> and a <a href="https://academic.oup.com/sleep/article-abstract/17/4/308/2753131">feeling of better sleep</a> overall.</p> <p>Bedsharing couples also often <a href="https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychiatry/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2020.00583/full">get into sync</a> with each other’s sleep stages, which can enhance that feeling of intimacy. However, it’s not all rosy. Some studies indicate that females in heterosexual relationships may struggle more with sleep quality when bedsharing, as they can be <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1111/j.1479-8425.2007.00320.x">more easily disturbed</a> by their male partner’s movements. Also, bedsharers can have less <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27624285/">deep sleep</a> than when sleeping alone, even though they feel like their sleep is better together.</p> <p>Many questions about co-sleeping remain unanswered. For instance, we don’t fully understand the developmental effects of co-sleeping on children, or the benefits of co-sleeping for adults beyond female-male romantic partners. But, some work suggests that co-sleeping can <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11325-018-1710-y">comfort us</a>, similar to other <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jsr.14174">forms of social contact</a>, and help to enhance <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/ajpa.20736">physical synchrony</a> between parents and children.</p> <p>Co-sleeping doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all answer. But remember that western norms aren’t necessarily the ones we have evolved with. So consider factors such as <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1389945716301265">sleep disorders</a>, health and age in your decision to co-sleep, rather than what everyone else is doing.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/241803/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/goffredina-spano-2240566">Goffredina Spanò</a>, Lecturer in Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/kingston-university-949">Kingston University</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/gina-mason-2240569">Gina Mason</a>, Postdoctoral Research Fellow in Psychiatry and Human Behaviour, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/brown-university-1276">Brown University</a></em></p> <p><em>Image </em><em>credits: Shutterstock </em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/humans-evolved-to-share-beds-how-your-sleeping-companions-may-affect-you-now-241803">original article</a>.</em></p>

Body

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Woman “bullied” on plane over budget seating trick

<p dir="ltr">A young woman has recalled a flight from hell when she was “bullied” by a couple who were trying to utilise a seating hack that went viral on TikTok. </p> <p dir="ltr">The solo traveller took to Reddit to recount the story and ask social media users if she was in the wrong for her action. </p> <p dir="ltr">The woman began by saying she usually pays more to select her plane seat ahead of time, but a medical emergency on another plane had her waiting on standby and left with no option other than to sit in a middle seat.</p> <p dir="ltr">When she was finally able to board, she was greeted by a couple who had purchased both the window and aisle seats in a bid to have more space, utilising a travel “trick” that has been popular on TikTok.</p> <p dir="ltr">The method, which has been dubbed the 'poor man's business class', usually leaves travellers with an empty middle seat and more space, and few travellers opt to pick a middle seat. </p> <p dir="ltr">“When I got to my row the man and woman were chatting and sharing a snack... it was obvious they were together. I mentioned to the man that I'm in the middle, and he got up to let me in,” the unsuspecting traveller wrote on Reddit.  </p> <p dir="ltr">“I asked them if they would prefer to sit together, I said I was totally okay with that. The woman reacted rudely to this and said ‘you're not supposed to be sitting here anyway’.”</p> <p dir="ltr">After noticing how the plane was full, she offered to show the pair her new ticket with the correct seat number on it.</p> <p dir="ltr">“She flicked her hand at my ticket and made a disgusted sound. I offered again if they wanted to sit together to which she didn't reply, her partner said it's okay and... made some small talk,” she continued. </p> <p dir="ltr">The man’s girlfriend then interrupted their conversation to ask,”'Did you use one of those third party websites to book your flight? It's so frustrating when people cheap out to inconvenience others.”</p> <p dir="ltr">The American woman explained that she had booked her flight directly and she had been placed on standby like everyone else and didn't choose the middle seat - she was assigned it.</p> <p dir="ltr">She then tried to keep the peace by refusing to engage with the furious woman.  </p> <p dir="ltr">“I was so done with her attitude, I put my headphones on and attempted to do my own thing,” she explained.</p> <p dir="ltr">But the “entitled” girlfriend wasn't letting it go, as the woman explained, “This woman kept reaching over me and tapping her partner and trying to talk to him in a way that was super intrusive.”</p> <p dir="ltr">“I could tell even her partner was trying to engage her less so that she would hopefully stop, but she didn't.”</p> <p dir="ltr">“I think they tried to pull that tactic where they don't sit together on purpose...hoping no one will sit between them. But on full flights it doesn't work. And even so - it's not the other person's fault.”</p> <p dir="ltr">The traveller's post was met with hundreds of comments slamming the girlfriend’s behaviour, as one person wrote, “It's like a toddler having a tantrum.”</p> <p dir="ltr">“She was disappointed and a total a**hole. Gross entitled people,” another added. </p> <p dir="ltr">Another person applauded the traveller’s level-headed behaviour, writing, “Wow! You are my hero for keeping it classy - I’m afraid I would not have been as kind as you.”</p> <p dir="ltr"><em>Image credits: Shutterstock </em></p>

Travel Trouble

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"We should give back": Bill Gates' ex-wife on giving away her $16bn fortune

<p>Melinda French Gates has opened up on her decision to give away her fortune after leaving the Bill &amp; Melinda Gates Foundation in June. </p> <p>Melinda, who is reportedly worth $16.8 billion, said that she will stick with her decision to give away her fortune on <em>The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, </em> as it's "the right thing to do for society". </p> <p>"If we grew up in the United States, anybody who has grown up in this country has been really lucky and I don't care who you are," she explained.</p> <p>"To be able to go to a decent school, grow up and pursue your career, and if so you are a billionaire, my gosh, you have benefited from this country, right?</p> <p>"So we should give back."</p> <p>She also feels there is "a responsibility and to do it in a way that's incredibly thoughtful".</p> <p>Melinda, who divorced the Microsoft founder Bill Gates back in 2021, has announced her plans to focus on her organisation Pivotal Ventures, which she founded in 2015.</p> <p>The organisation's aim is to "advance social progress by removing barriers that hold people back."</p> <p>She said that she is  determined to ensure that "women's rights are not only on the agenda, but that women are setting the agenda" – especially after watching women's rights be rolled back internationally over the last few years."</p> <p>"What I saw, part of why our women's rights got rolled back in the United States is that those organisations were starved for funding, and they were playing defense," she explained. </p> <p>Melinda has pledged to donate $1 billion to this end over the next two years. </p> <p><em>Image: Julien De Rosa/EPA/ Shutterstock Editorial</em></p>

Money & Banking

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Clint Eastwood's partner's cause of death revealed

<p>The cause of death of Clint Eastwood's partner has been revealed, just days after the actor addressed her tragic passing. </p> <p>Christina Sandera, Eastwood's partner of 10 years, died suddenly on July 18th at just 61 years of age. </p> <p>Now, a representative from the Monterey County Health Department confirmed to <em><a href="https://nypost.com/2024/07/23/entertainment/clint-eastwoods-partner-christina-sanderas-cause-of-death-revealed/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The New York Post</a></em> that Sandera died of a heart attack. </p> <p>The death certificate listed her immediate cause as cardiac arrhythmia, which is an abnormality in the timing or pattern of the heartbeat.</p> <p>Atherosclerotic coronary artery disease was also outlined as an additional condition that led to Sandera’s death.</p> <p>Eastwood addressed the passing of his partner after the <em>Hollywood Reporter</em> confirmed her death, with the actor writing, “Christina was a lovely, caring woman, and I will miss her very much.”</p> <p>The pair met when Sandera worked as a hostess at a hotel and restaurant owned by the actor in California, before they started dating in 2014. </p> <p>The couple largely kept their romance out of the public eye with Sandera only attended a handful of events with the Hollywood icon during their 10-year relationship.</p> <p>The couple, who never married, walked their last red carpet together in November 2019 at AFI Fest in Hollywood. </p> <p>One of Eastwood's children from a previous marriage Morgan, 27, paid tribute to her father’s longtime love on Sunday by sharing a photo of herself, her father and Eastwood and her wedding, writing, “A devastating loss for our whole family. Thank you Christina for being a good partner to my Dad ❤️ you will be greatly missed.”</p> <p><em>Image credits: John McCoy/UPI/Shutterstock Editorial </em></p>

Caring

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Woman divides the internet over not wanting to share Lotto winnings

<p dir="ltr">A young mother has divided the internet after sharing that she didn’t want to split her Lotto winnings with her boyfriend. </p> <p dir="ltr">The woman took to Facebook to share that she bought the ticket on a whim and won half her annual salary as a result.</p> <p dir="ltr">Taking to social media, she explained how the awkward conversation with her partner unfolded. </p> <p dir="ltr">“I started to tell my boyfriend I was gonna put it towards my kids' college and do some upgrades to my house. He said, ‘what about my half?’,” she wrote.</p> <p dir="ltr">She went on to explain how the couple have the same yearly salary and how her partner said he could really use the financial help, but she doesn't want to share. </p> <p dir="ltr">“If I had won $6million I'd have no problem giving him half because it would be very easy to live off $3million. But 1/4 of one year's salary won't help me much,” she added.</p> <p dir="ltr">She also revealed that the couple would sometimes “daydream" about winning a lottery jackpot and would split a ticket every now and then, promising to go halves in the winnings.</p> <p dir="ltr">However, the mum said this time was different because it was a spur-of-the-moment ticket purchase and he wasn't part of it.</p> <p dir="ltr">The woman’s post welcomed a range of differing comments, with some people not appearing sympathetic to the young mum. </p> <p dir="ltr">“Is half the pot worth more than your relationship? If it is, you shouldn't be in the relationship anyway, so call it off,” one person said.</p> <p dir="ltr">Another person added, “Can you for two seconds not see how this is very petty? He didn't contribute 'this time'. I'm sure when he buys a ticket he's not thinking 'oh this one is for just me and if we win on these ones then we will share’.”</p> <p dir="ltr">However, some people were quick to stand up for her and tell her she doesn’t owe her partner half her winnings. </p> <p dir="ltr">“She isn't selfish for keeping the money, they didn't have an agreement this time, and why should he be entitled to it. She is better off spending it on her home and her children's future,” one woman said.</p> <p dir="ltr">Another added, “If he won $20 would he give you $10? If he won $1,000 would he give you $500? If the answer is yes, then throw the guy a bone, but if you don't live together, there's no ring on your finger, and the answer is no? Keep it.”</p> <p dir="ltr"><em>Image credits: Shutterstock </em></p>

Legal

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"Heartbroken and blindsided": The Beast's ex-girlfriend opens up about split

<p>The ex-girlfriend of <em>The Chase</em> star Mark Labbett, also known as The Beast, has opened up about her high-profile break-up with the TV star, slamming his behaviour in the last weeks of their relationship. </p> <p>Hayley Palmer, an entertainment news presenter, announced her <a href="https://oversixty.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/mark-the-beast-labbett-s-girlfriend-drops-major-relationship-bombshell" target="_blank" rel="noopener">split</a> from Labbett just days after their one year anniversary, sharing the news on Instagram in May. </p> <p>Now, in an interview with <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/28526452/mark-beast-labbett-hayley-palmer-split/" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><em>The Sun</em></a> newspaper, Palmer took aim at Labbett and his alleged handling of their split, saying she had been “blindsided” by their break-up, and shared how he had lived up to his name as The Beast.</p> <p>“It has come as a complete shock. I thought we were really happy,” she said.</p> <p>“I’m heartbroken and blindsided. His behaviour has been beastly.”</p> <p>Palmer went on to say that Labbett dumped her over a callous three-minute phone call, and said their breakup came because The Beast did not want to formally divorce his ex-wife Katie, who is also his second cousin. </p> <p>She went on to say that before their shock split, Mark — who has a seven-year-old son with his former wife — had even suggested they move in together.</p> <p>But in the days following, a phone call came from Labbett to end their relationship. </p> <p>Struggling to hold back tears, Hayley told the publication, “The call started off as a normal conversation.  He was spending time with his son and we’d had a conversation about me joining them at a water park."</p> <p>“Then he said, ‘I don’t know how to tell you this, but you were right. I don’t want to divorce my ex-wife’.</p> <div> <div id="articlempu"></div> </div> <p>“The shock of the way he said it was so brutally cold and not the Mark I know. I thought he was a gentle giant, so this was the complete opposite. He was as cold as ice."</p> <p>“The phone went from my hands, I just hung up on him. I ended up walking around for three hours not knowing where I was going."</p> <p>“I’ll never get over the shock of that, I’m still in shock now. It’s such a hurtful way to do it. The fact that he didn’t have the respect for me, and for him to do it over the phone — it was a really low move."</p> <p><em>Image credits: Instagram </em></p>

Relationships

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Woman’s outrageous act to catch cheating partner

<p dir="ltr">A woman has issued a desperate plea online for someone to help her catch her cheating boyfriend in the act. </p> <p dir="ltr">The Sydney woman, named Ariana, listed a job on the site Airtasker for someone to drive her to the suburb of Five Dock to catch her boyfriend, who she suspected was having an affair. </p> <p dir="ltr">She asked the potential driver to sit with her in the car for a few hours, in exchange for $350. </p> <p dir="ltr">“I need someone to drive me and a friend to Five Dock and sit in the car with us for a few hours so I can try and catch my cheating boyfriend,” she wrote. </p> <p dir="ltr">The ad, which was posted just before Valentine’s Day, quickly went viral and received mixed reactions. </p> <p dir="ltr">“The way I would do this for free,” one person said.</p> <p dir="ltr">“Wow, who would've thought of putting it on Airtasker! This is genius,” another wrote. </p> <p dir="ltr">However, some people didn't see the point of going through so much trouble and wasting $350. </p> <p dir="ltr">“This never makes sense to me - if you don't trust him, just leave. The relationship is dead regardless of if he is cheating,” a woman said.</p> <p dir="ltr">Despite garnering massive attention online, it is not known if Ariana’s stealthy operation was a success, or if she is still in a relationship with her boyfriend. </p> <p dir="ltr"><em>Image credits: Getty Images / Facebook</em></p>

Relationships

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"Am I being too sensitive?": Woman's dilemma after partner forgets 60th birthday

<p>A woman has shared her dilemma on how to approach her partner of 30 years, after he forgot her 60th birthday. </p> <p>"It's my 60th birthday today, and my partner of 30 years has not acknowledged it. Should I tell him?" she titled her post on Reddit. </p> <p>"It's my actual birthday today, and whilst we have planned a big party for next weekend, when I woke up this morning I expected a 'Happy Birthday!' and a smile," she continued. </p> <p>"I didn't get anything. He started my coffee but he does that almost every morning.</p> <p>"At first I thought maybe he forgot but now I am thinking that he thinks he doesn't have to say anything because we are having a big party this weekend. </p> <p>"Am I being too sensitive? Should I tell him? If so, how?" she asked in her post. </p> <p>Hundreds of Reddit users took to the comments to share their thoughts on how to approach the situation, with a few sharing crafty solutions of their own. </p> <p>"I'd make a joke of it. 'I can't believe they moved my birthday!' Or 'I saw on the TV we should ask easy questions to check for dementia- I'll ask you first, when's my birthday?'" one user playfully suggested. </p> <p>"I'm going to say the absolute minimum I'd expect for ANY birthday is my wife wishing me a Happy Birthday. Don't let it fester and ruin your day - just ask him about it" another added. </p> <p>One user saw the bright side of things and said:  "He's handed you the best birthday present of all - the opportunity to use this against him for the next twenty years.</p> <p>"I'd be rubbing my hands with glee. Happy Birthday!" </p> <p>"Happy Birthday. Go out and buy a large cake. Eat it all yourself. Nobody need ever know" to which she responded: "there is a Costco not that far away. Go big or go home." </p> <p>Another Redditor came up with an elaborate plan on how she could get her partner's attention. </p> <p>"Purchase this 'Acknowledge Me' t-shirt of WWE wrestle Roman Reigns. Then write 'Birthday' on a piece of card and use some tape to stick on the t-shirt. 'Acknowledge Me Birthday.' Then just wear it around the house," they said. </p> <p>The woman was onboard with the plan, but luckily she didn't need to apply any of their crafty solutions and shared an update. </p> <p>"He just came up to my home office and gave me a big hug, admitting he had forgotten because he was so focussed on both work and next weekend's party," she wrote. </p> <p>"He apologised sheepishly, which was exactly the best outcome possible. Now I have both my birthday acknowledged as well as a fine story and/or bit of ammo to be saved for another day.</p> <p>"So there you go. I've cancelled the 'acknowledge me' t-shirt order, and shall now share my Costco cake with him instead of eating it from across the table, glaring.</p> <p>"Thank you everyone for the very fine passive aggressive suggestions which made me smile. Much appreciated!"</p> <p><em>Image: Getty</em></p> <p> </p>

Relationships

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More than a third of people with dementia don’t know they have it – what to do if you suspect your partner has the condition

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/kate-irving-1493654">Kate Irving</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/dublin-city-university-1528">Dublin City University</a></em></p> <p>Around <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-67613465">36% of people</a> in England with dementia are unaware they have the condition, according to a new report from the Dementia Commission.</p> <p><a href="https://chamberuk.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/231127-Dementia-Commission-Report-Embargoed.pdf">The report</a> suggests things health and care professionals can do to improve spotting early signs of dementia. But what can you do if you think your partner has the condition? And how can you broach the topic with them?</p> <p>If you are worried about your partner having dementia, here are some useful things to know.</p> <p>Dementia is a term for a range of diseases (for example, Alzheimer’s) which develop over time (months and years) and cause problems with memory and reasoning, communication, changes in personality and a reduction in a person’s ability to carry out daily activities, such as shopping, washing, paying bills or cooking.</p> <p>Dementia can present very differently in each person, so it’s about knowing what’s normal for your loved one. A person who has always been conscientious and organised starting to unravel is very different from a scatterbrained person just being slightly more scatterbrained.</p> <p>Grief and stress can affect memory yet not be the start of dementia. But they can also mask the start of dementia: we call this “diagnostic over-shadowing”.</p> <p>There are also age-related changes to cognition. For example, we take longer to learn when we get older. But a one-off event – no matter how dramatic – is not necessarily dementia. It’s about looking for a pattern of decline.</p> <p>If you see these changes happen in a short space of time (weeks or days) it is unlikely to be dementia and could be something more serious. This requires urgent investigation by a doctor.</p> <h2>Greatest fear</h2> <p>Dementia is one of the greatest fears of our age. The horror of perceived loss of self can cause people to avoid discussing the issue, discussing it in an unhelpful way (such as criticising or inadvertently humiliating) or discussing it with other relatives, but not the person they are noticing changes in.</p> <p>Over time, this can cause a lack of trust to develop. Discussing memory problems openly with the person at the point of a memory failure or if they raise the concern is best. Of course, it takes courage and makes us face our own vulnerability.</p> <p>Sometimes the person will be in denial or lack insight into the memory problems (this can be a symptom of dementia, but isn’t always). If someone raises a concern about their memory issues, I would urge you not to minimise this, as it probably took courage to admit their concerns.</p> <p>I heard a relative say to my mother: “Oh, you left the pot on the stove. I lost the car in the multistory the other day.” My mother had dementia – the relative did not.</p> <p>If they are adamant that they do not have concerns, this is harder to deal with. One approach is to say: “I know you are not concerned, but I am concerned and I wonder if you would see a doctor to ease my worries?”</p> <p>Also explaining that memory problems can at least to some extent have reversible causes means a visit to the doctor to at least rule these out is an important step. It may also be encouraging to say to the person: “If there is something with your memory that will get worse over time, would you want to know?” (Most people <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2408568/">answer yes</a> to this).</p> <h2>Seeing a GP</h2> <p>If your partner agrees to visit a GP, it is helpful to prepare by filling in a diary for a week with the kind of memory (or other) problems experienced, what was happening at the time and the effect of the memory failure. This can be shared with a GP to help them to understand the issues.</p> <p>When people hear even the suggestion of the word dementia, they are faced with the uncertainties of what will become of them, of what they will lose, what they can keep up and where they will end up. These uncertainties are often shared with family members. But research shows that positive aspects of timely diagnosis <a href="https://www.scie.org.uk/dementia/symptoms/diagnosis/early-diagnosis.asp">outweigh fears</a> over time.</p> <p>At the same time, there are often ongoing stresses to do with memory impairments or confusion. With these stresses, everyday life can be troublesome, family relationships can suffer, and people can find it difficult to be supportive of each other.</p> <p>Being honest and open is the best policy. Stating that we are in this together, I want to help, let’s meet whatever happens head on, can help. If a person becomes resistant, it may be there is another family member who might better assist the person.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/219172/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /></p> <p><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/kate-irving-1493654"><em>Kate Irving</em></a><em>, Professor of Clinical Nursing, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/dublin-city-university-1528">Dublin City University</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/more-than-a-third-of-people-with-dementia-dont-know-they-have-it-what-to-do-if-you-suspect-your-partner-has-the-condition-219172">original article</a>.</em></p>

Mind

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"Devastated": James Morrison's partner dies aged 45

<p>British singer James Morrison is grappling with the heartbreaking news of the sudden death of his partner, Gill Catchpole, as <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-67910325" target="_blank" rel="noopener">reported by the BBC</a>.</p> <p>Catchpole, 45, who had been in a relationship with the renowned hitmaker since their teenage years, was discovered lifeless on Friday at her residence in Gloucestershire, UK.</p> <p>Authorities have issued a statement indicating that the coroners and the woman's next of kin have been informed. While her death is currently labeled as "non-suspicious", the details surrounding the tragedy remain undisclosed.</p> <p>The couple, who had been together since their youth, leaves behind two daughters. Morrison, 39, has not yet made any public statements regarding the news, and his latest Instagram post from a recording studio only days before the incident hinted at new beginnings and adventures for the year.</p> <p>In the face of this tragedy, followers flooded Morrison's Instagram comments section to offer their condolences and support to the grief-stricken singer. The outpouring of sympathy from fans reflects the deep connection that Morrison has forged with his audience over the years through his soulful music.</p> <p>Morrison, originally from Warwickshire, rose to fame with hits like "You Give Me Something" and "Broken Strings". Despite his success in the music industry, Morrison has faced significant personal losses in recent years, having lost his father, brother and nephew within a span of three years.</p> <p>According to reports from <em>The Sun</em>, Morrison is described as "devastated" by the untimely passing of Catchpole. The couple's enduring connection, from their challenging beginnings to the shared joy of raising a family, has become a poignant chapter in Morrison's life.</p> <p>In a previous interview on the White Wine Question Time podcast, Morrison nostalgically shared the story of how he and Catchpole first crossed paths. Their initial encounter occurred when she moved in with her then-boyfriend as a lodger in Morrison's mother's house. Despite the unconventional start, Morrison considered it a romantic tale, describing their journey as a "little fairy tale".</p> <p>As the news of Gill Catchpole's passing reverberates through the music world and beyond, James Morrison's supporters join him in mourning the loss of a loved one and offering their heartfelt condolences during this difficult time.</p> <p><em>Images: Facebook / Instagram</em></p>

Caring

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Christian Oliver's ex-wife shares devastating tribute following fatal plane crash

<p>The ex-wife of late actor Christian Oliver has broken her silence following a plane crash that killed the actor and their two young daughters, Madita Klepser, 10, and Annik Klepser, 12.</p> <p>Jessica Klepser took to Instagram to share a statement just days after the tragedy. </p> <p>"We are deeply saddened by the tragic plane accident on January 4, 2024, which took the lives of our beloved family members," <span style="font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, 'Open Sans', 'Helvetica Neue', sans-serif;">she said in the post shared by Wundabar Pilates, the studio where she works.</span></p> <p><span style="font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, 'Open Sans', 'Helvetica Neue', sans-serif;">Klepser added that Oliver and their daughters were returning from a holiday in the Caribbean, when the </span>single-engine plane they were traveling in experienced engine trouble and fell into the ocean.</p> <p>"Unfortunately, all four passengers on the small aircraft did not survive," the statement continued. </p> <p>Klepser then went on to honour her two daughters. </p> <p>"Madita, a vibrant 7th-grade student at Louis Armstrong Middle School, was known for her lively spirit and excelled in academics, dance, singing, and performances. </p> <p>"Annik, a 4th-grade student at Wonderland Ave Elementary School, was recognized for her gentle yet strong demeanor. She was always the first to offer a kind word or a comforting hug. Her passions included basketball, swimming, and various forms of art."</p> <p>"The deep bond, infectious laughter, and adventurous spirit shared by Madita and Annik will be profoundly missed in their communities," adding that Oliver's loss will also be "deeply felt by all who knew him."</p> <blockquote class="instagram-media" style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/C1vgVoCrY4v/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="14"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"> </div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"> </div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"> </div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <div style="padding: 12.5% 0;"> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;"> <div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);"> </div> </div> <div style="margin-left: 8px;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;"> </div> <div style="width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg);"> </div> </div> <div style="margin-left: auto;"> <div style="width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);"> </div> <div style="width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);"> </div> </div> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;"> </div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/C1vgVoCrY4v/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A post shared by WundaBar Pilates by Amy Jordan (@wundabarpilates)</a></p> </div> </blockquote> <p>The post included a picture of their daughters hugging in front of a sunset, and also noted that in lieu of flowers, the family is accepting donations via a <a href="https://www.gofundme.com/f/in-memory-of-christian-madita-and-annik?utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet&amp;utm_medium=copy_link_all&amp;utm_source=customer" target="_blank" rel="noopener">GoFundMe</a> page, to help cover the costs of returning "Christian and the girls home," among other expenses. </p> <p>The 51-year-old actor had a couple of roles in TV and film, but is mostly known for his role as Snake Oiler in the 2008 action film, <em>Speed Racer</em>. </p> <p>His career began in 1994 with a 26-episode role on the show <em>Saved by the Bell: The New Class</em>.</p> <p>According to <em>The <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/film/2024/jan/07/christian-oliver-daughters-plane-crash-tribute" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Guardian</a></em>, Oliver and Klepser tied the knot on July 2010, before Oliver filed for divorce in December 2021 after 11 years of marriage. </p> <p>The divorce was finalised in June, with the couple sharing joint custody of their daughters. </p> <p>Oliver is survived by his sister and parents in Germany. </p> <p><em>Images: GoFundMe/Instagram</em></p> <p> </p>

Family & Pets

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Ex-Finnish Prime Minister’s rebrand after divorce and leaving office

<p dir="ltr">The former Finnish Prime Minister is living her best life after filing for divorce and leaving her position in office. </p> <p dir="ltr">Sanna Marin, the youngest ever female world leader, has kicked off her single girl summer by attending a three-day music festival in Helsinki, leaning into her love of partying. </p> <p dir="ltr">The 37-year-old shared photos from her summer adventures on Instagram, flaunting her relaxed politics-free new life. </p> <p dir="ltr">“This summer I’ve had a proper summer vacation for the first time in a while,” Marin wrote on Instagram while sharing snaps of her fun-filled days.</p> <p dir="ltr">“It has included, among other things, being busy with [5-year-old daughter] Emma, sports, friends, good food, and unforgettable trips.”</p> <p dir="ltr">Most of her followers applauded the change in her lifestyle, and were happy she was taking some quality time for herself. </p> <p dir="ltr">“You look AMAZING. Thank you for showing the world that you can fill the chair as a president and dress as you like at the same time,” influencer Dr. Caecilie Johansen commented.</p> <p dir="ltr">“Pretty sure we would’ve achieved world peace already if most world leaders were as chill as Sanna,” wrote one.</p> <p dir="ltr">Another agreed, “A politician having fun and looking really cool. This gives a really good example to young people and you give Finland great PR.”</p> <p dir="ltr">Marin’s drastic lifestyle change comes after she officially left her post as Finland’s prime minister three weeks earlier, when the National Coalition Party’s Petteri Orpo took office.</p> <p dir="ltr">As well as being out of a job in politics, Marin is also going through divorce proceedings with her ex-husband of three years and partner for 19 years Markus Raikkonen. </p> <p dir="ltr">The pair announced their separation in May, and said they would still remain best friends and happy co-parents to their daughter Emma despite jointly filing for the separation.</p> <p dir="ltr"><em>Image credits: Instagram / Getty Images</em></p>

Beauty & Style

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Sandra Bullock mourns the passing of her longtime partner after private illness

<p>Hollywood star Sandra Bullock's beloved partner, Bryan Randall, has passed away at the age of 57, with the heart-wrenching news confirmed by his grieving family in a statement shared on Monday.</p> <p>“It is with great sadness that we share that on Aug. 5, Bryan Randall passed away peacefully after a three-year battle with ALS,” the statement read.</p> <p>“Bryan chose early to keep his journey with ALS private and those of us who cared for him did our best to honour his request. We are immensely grateful to the tireless doctors who navigated the landscape of this illness with us and to the astounding nurses who became our roommates, often sacrificing their own families to be with ours. At this time we ask for privacy to grieve and to come to terms with the impossibility of saying goodbye to Bryan.”</p> <p>The statement was signed with a poignant, "His Loving Family".</p> <p>Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, is a merciless neurological affliction that ravages  motor neurons that command delicate voluntary muscle movement. Regrettably, there is currently no remedy for the condition.</p> <p>Bullock, aged 59, crossed paths with model-turned-photographer <span style="font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, 'Open Sans', 'Helvetica Neue', sans-serif;">Randall </span><span style="font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, 'Open Sans', 'Helvetica Neue', sans-serif;">when he was summoned to capture her son Louis’ birthday celebration in the early days of 2015. Their connection was immediate and profound.</span></p> <p>The mother-of-two, and an actress who has fiercely guarded her privacy over the years, chose to unveil fragments of her relationship's intimacy during a candid appearance on Red Table Talk in 2021.</p> <p>“I found the love of my life. We share two beautiful children — three children, [Randall’s] older daughter. It’s the best thing ever,” Bullock said at the time.</p> <p>“I don’t wanna say do it like I do it, but I don’t need a paper to be a devoted partner and devoted mother … I don’t need to be told to be ever present in the hardest of times. I don’t need to be told to weather a storm with a good man.”</p> <p>She added that Randall was also a superb “example” to her two children: “He’s the example that I would want my children to have... <span style="font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, 'Segoe UI', Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, 'Open Sans', 'Helvetica Neue', sans-serif;">I have a partner who’s very Christian and there are two different ways of looking at things. I don’t always agree with him, and he doesn’t always agree with me. But he is an example even when I don’t agree with him... </span>I’m stubborn but sometimes I need to sit back and listen and go, ‘You’re saying it differently but we mean exactly the same thing.’</p> <p>“It’s hard to co-parent because I just want to do it myself.”</p> <p>"He was so happy, but he was scared. I'm a bulldozer. My life was already on the track, and here's this beautiful human being who doesn't want anything to do with my life but the right human being to be there."</p> <p><em>Images: Getty</em></p>

Caring

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Love Actually child star engaged to Elon Musk's ex-wife

<p dir="ltr">Actress Talulah Riley has announced that she is engaged to former child star Thomas Brodie-Sangster after two years together.</p> <p dir="ltr">She revealed the news in a tweet with a photo of the couple cuddled up under a blanket and the caption: "Very happy to share that after two years of dating, Thomas Brodie-Sangster and I are engaged!"</p> <p dir="ltr">The <em>Pride and Prejudice</em> actress, 37,  and the <em>Love Actually </em>star, 33, first met during the filming of their TV series <em>Pistol </em>where they also played a couple. </p> <p>Twitter and Tesla CEO Elon Musk responded to his ex-wife's happy news with a simple: "Congratulations!"</p> <p>Elon's sister Tosca also replied with "Congratulations, Talulah" and a red heart emoji. </p> <p>Fans took to the comments on Twitter to congratulate the couple. </p> <p>"Congratulations! I wish the couple much happiness," wrote one fan. </p> <p>"Love conquers all. When you find love, hold on to it and never let it go. Very good news," wrote another. </p> <p>"Congratulations. Happy for you!" commented a third. </p> <p>"Congratulations, great couple!" wrote a fourth with two red heart emojis. </p> <p>The couple were rumoured to be together in 2021, but they didn't confirm their relationship until the following when they arrived arm-in-arm at the Gala Dinner for the 2022 <em>British Academy Film Awards</em>. </p> <p>Riley was previously married to Elon Musk, 52, twice before her relationship with Brodie-Sangster. </p> <p>Their first marriage was in 2010 after a 10-day whirlwind romance, which lasted for two years. After they split, they remarried in 2013 with the second  marriage lasting three years before they ultimately split. </p> <p><em>Image: Twitter/ Getty</em></p>

Relationships

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What is a relationship ‘boundary’? And how do I have the boundary conversation with my partner?

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/raquel-peel-368041">Raquel Peel</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/rmit-university-1063">RMIT University</a></em></p> <p>Text messages showing actor Jonah Hill asking his ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady to consider a dot point list of relationship “boundaries” have sparked an important conversation.</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> <p dir="ltr" lang="en">Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady accuses him of emotional abuse.</p> <p>🔗: <a href="https://t.co/LwSnkpnehT">https://t.co/LwSnkpnehT</a> <a href="https://t.co/3B6I86uwNV">pic.twitter.com/3B6I86uwNV</a></p> <p>— Pop Crave (@PopCrave) <a href="https://twitter.com/PopCrave/status/1677755077249859586?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 8, 2023</a></p></blockquote> <p>Two different interpretations of these texts are dominating the discussion.</p> <p>Some have understood Hill’s dot points as a reasonable set of relationship expectations or “preferences” for a partner. Others see Hill’s list of relationship deal-breakers as a controlling behaviour.</p> <p>So what is a relationship “boundary” and how do you have this conversation with your partner?</p> <h2>What are relationship boundaries?</h2> <p>Boundaries are personal and influenced by one’s values. They can be emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual and cultural.</p> <p>The purpose of creating, understanding and respecting boundaries is to ensure one’s mental health and well-being are protected. Used well, they can keep relationships healthy and safe.</p> <p>Setting boundaries can also reinforce values and priorities important to you.</p> <h2>Some ‘boundaries’ are controlling and go too far</h2> <p>That said, relationship boundaries can become unsafe for the people involved. Some cross the line into coercive control.</p> <p>For instance, one might be able to justify to themselves they need to know where their partner is at all times, monitor their communications and keep tabs on their partner’s friendships because they just want to keep their partner safe.</p> <p>But these are not boundaries; this is coercive control.</p> <p>If your partner is describing these as their relationship boundaries, you should feel comfortable to say you are not OK with it. You should also feel comfortable explaining what boundaries you need to set for yourself and your relationship to feel safe.</p> <p>In fact, <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01639625.2017.1304801">research</a> has found that even cyberstalking offenders might struggle to acknowledge how their behaviour can be perceived as intrusive by their partner. They may also have trouble understanding how it contributed to their break-up.</p> <p>My research on how people can sabotage their own relationships revealed a <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s40359-021-00644-0#Tab1">lack of relationship skills</a> is often a key factor in relationship issues.</p> <p>The same <a href="https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/journal-of-relationships-research/article/abs/defining-romantic-selfsabotage-a-thematic-analysis-of-interviews-with-practising-psychologists/35531B41927851905281C7D815FE4199">research</a> highlighted how people who fear their relationship is at risk can end up indulging in controlling behaviours such as partner monitoring, tracking how a partner spends their money and emotional manipulation.</p> <p>In other words, people can sometimes employ unhealthy behaviours with the intention of keeping their partner but end up pushing them away.</p> <h2>Understanding partner and relationship expectations</h2> <p>We might have a vision in mind of an “<a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-3514.91.4.662">ideal partner</a>”. But it’s highly improbable one person can ever meet such high standards.</p> <p>Rigid partner and relationship standards, just like unreasonable boundaries, can cause distress, hopelessness and resentment.</p> <p>So healthy romantic relationships need clear communication and negotiation. Sometimes, that involves being flexible and open to hearing what the other person has to say about your proposed boundaries.</p> <p>Relationship boundaries are a life skill that needs constant learning, practice and improvement.</p> <h2>Having a conversation about healthy relationship boundaries</h2> <p>Some mistakenly believe having any relationship boundaries at all is unreasonable or a form of abuse. That’s not the case.</p> <p>In my <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039">research</a> on relationship sabotage, many people spoke about how being able to clearly communicate and set relationship expectations has helped them maintain their relationships over the long term and dispel <a href="https://scholarworks.uni.edu/facpub/1397/">unrealistic</a> standards.</p> <p>Communicating expectations can also help people deal with common relationship fears, such as getting hurt, being rejected and feeling disrespected.</p> <p>But for an important conversation about boundaries to take place, you first need the environment for an open, honest and trusting discussion.</p> <p>Partners should feel they can talk freely and without fear about what they are comfortable with in a relationship. And, be able to discuss how they feel about a boundary their partner has proposed.</p> <h2>Clarify and discuss</h2> <p>If you’re having the boundary conversation with your partner, clarify what you mean by your boundary request and how it might work in practice. Examples can help. Understanding the nuances can help your partner decide if your boundary request is reasonable or unreasonable for them.</p> <p>Second, negotiate which boundaries are hard and which are soft. This will involve flexibility and care, so you’re not undermining your or your partner’s, freedom, mental health and wellbeing. A hard boundary is non-negotiable and can determine the fate of the relationship. A soft boundary can be modified, as long as all parties agree.</p> <p>What constitutes a healthy boundary is different for each individual and each relationship.</p> <p>Regardless, it is a conversation best had in person, not by text message (which can easily be taken out of context and misunderstood). If you really must have the discussion over text, be specific and clarify.</p> <p>Before setting boundaries, seek insight into what you want for yourself and your relationship and communicate with your partner openly and honestly. If you’re fearful about how they’ll react to the discussion, that’s an issue.</p> <p>An open and honest approach can foster a productive collaboration that can strengthen relationship commitment.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/209856/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/raquel-peel-368041">Raquel Peel</a>, Adjunct Senior Lecturer, University of Southern Queensland and Senior Lecturer, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/rmit-university-1063">RMIT University</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-a-relationship-boundary-and-how-do-i-have-the-boundary-conversation-with-my-partner-209856">original article</a>.</em></p>

Relationships

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Man living in a tent after partner “gave up” on Covid restrictions

<p dir="ltr">A hyper-vigilant man has resorted to living in a “pressurised” tent in a garage to avoid contracting Covid, after his girlfriend relaxed about restrictions. </p> <p dir="ltr">The Aussie man named Jason, who is a self-proclaimed “Covid education activist” caused a stir online after he posted a photo of his unusual sleeping arrangements. </p> <p dir="ltr">The now-viral post shared by Jason featured a picture of the peculiar tent he claims to be sleeping in, with an air purifier sticking out of the door, igniting a firestorm of reactions on Twitter, ranging from agreeance, to humour, to concern.</p> <p dir="ltr">Despite the media storm, Jason defended his decision to maintain strict pandemic precautions, despite never having contracted Covid-19. </p> <p dir="ltr">“This is my bed in the garage because my partner has dropped precautions. I take precautions 100 per cent of the time. Don’t tell me that this hasn’t upended every f**king second of my life,” Jason declared in his original post, which included the image of his extraordinary sleeping arrangement.</p> <p dir="ltr">Taking his precautions to the next level, Jason also revealed that he has experimented with sleeping in a face mask, but he admitted that he found it uncomfortable and could not sleep properly with it. </p> <p dir="ltr">“I’ve tried to sleep in a mask, and I can’t. I know people sleep in CPAP masks all the time, so it’s possible, but I can’t do it,” he shared on Twitter.</p> <p dir="ltr">Despite the flurry of reactions to Jason’s living arrangement, he did receive some support for his precautionary measures, while some even suggested Jason leave his partner, to which he admitted the thought “had occurred to me”. </p> <p dir="ltr">Another Twitter user commended the tent and air filter idea, considering it a cost-effective and potentially effective solution to avoid contracting Covid. </p> <p dir="ltr">“I like the tent+filter idea. It’s cheap and should be effective,” another agreed.</p> <p dir="ltr">A few people shared that they empathised with Jason, and are also maintaining strict pandemic precautions. </p> <p dir="ltr">One person wrote, “Initially didn’t think much of the pic, but this is infuriating. I spend all my salary in-flo mask, enovid (antiviral nasal spray), no social life, so yes, I take precautions 100 per cent of the time.”</p> <p dir="ltr">“I’m sorry you have to live like this. I no longer see my family since they stopped masking,” another added.</p> <p dir="ltr">However, not everyone empathised with Jason’s living arrangements, saying he was being unrealistic about the future of Covid. </p> <p dir="ltr">“I work in senior living, and in the two years we’ve been open, we’ve lost zero to Covid. Even the (85-year-olds) getting it now are mild cases. Why? They’re boosted, so they don’t panic or sleep in a garage,” one commenter explained. </p> <p dir="ltr">“The vaccine is meant to enable you to live normally without worrying. Covid is endemic, so you will be in the tent for the rest of your life, lol.” posted another.</p> <p dir="ltr">In response to the viral post, one Twitter user humorously remarked, “We’re a few years away from a really good documentary on how this virus broke people’s brains.”</p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 18pt;"><em>Image credits: Getty Images / Twitter</em></p>

Real Estate

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Don’t blame women for low libido. Sexual sparks fly when partners do their share of chores – including calling the plumber

<p>When a comic about “mental load” <a href="https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/">went viral in 2017</a>, it sparked conversations about the invisible workload women carry. Even when women are in paid employment, they remember their mother-in-law’s birthday, know what’s in the pantry and organise the plumber. This mental load often goes unnoticed.</p> <p>Women also <a href="https://theconversation.com/yet-again-the-census-shows-women-are-doing-more-housework-now-is-the-time-to-invest-in-interventions-185488">continue to do more housework</a> and childcare than their male partners.</p> <p>This burden has been exacerbated over the recent pandemic (homeschooling anyone?), <a href="https://theconversation.com/planning-stress-and-worry-put-the-mental-load-on-mothers-will-2022-be-the-year-they-share-the-burden-172599">leaving women</a> feeling exhausted, anxious and resentful.</p> <p>As sexuality researchers, we wondered, with all this extra work, do women have any energy left for sex?</p> <p>We decided to explore how mental load affects intimate relationships. We focused on female sexual desire, as “low desire” affects <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1743609520307566">more than 50% of women</a> and is <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0091302217300079">difficult to treat</a>.</p> <p>Our study, published in the <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2022.2079111">Journal of Sex Research</a>, shows women in equal relationships (in terms of housework and the mental load) are more satisfied with their relationships and, in turn, feel more sexual desire than those in unequal relationships.</p> <p> </p> <h2>How do we define low desire?</h2> <p>Low desire is tricky to explore. More than simply the motivation to have sex, women describe sexual desire as a state-of-being and a need for closeness.</p> <p>Adding to this complexity is the fluctuating nature of female desire that changes in response to life experiences and the <a href="https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20160630-the-enduring-enigma-of-female-desire">quality of relationships</a>.</p> <p>Relationships are especially important to female desire: relationship dissatisfaction is a <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18410300/">top risk factor</a> for low desire in women, even more than the physiological impacts of age and menopause. Clearly, relationship factors are critical to understanding female sexual desire.</p> <p>As a way of addressing the complexity of female desire, a <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-018-1212-9">recent theory</a> proposed two different types of desire: dyadic desire is the sexual desire one feels for another, whereas solo desire is about individual feelings.</p> <p>Not surprisingly, dyadic desire is intertwined with the dynamics of the relationship, while solo desire is more amorphous and involves feeling good about yourself as a sexual being (feeling sexy), without needing validation from another.</p> <h2>Assessing the link</h2> <p>Our research acknowledged the nuances of women’s desire and its strong connection to relationship quality by exploring how fairness in relationships might affect desire.</p> <p>The research involved asking 299 Australian women aged 18 to 39 questions about desire and relationships.</p> <p>These questions included assessments of housework, mental load – such as who organised social activities and made financial arrangements – and who had more leisure time.</p> <p>We compared three groups:</p> <ul> <li>relationships where women perceived the work as equally shared equal (the “equal work” group)</li> <li>when the woman felt she did more work (the “women’s work” group)</li> <li>when women thought that their partner contributed more (the “partner’s work” group).</li> </ul> <p>We then explored how these differences in relationship equity impacted female sexual desire.</p> <h2>What we found</h2> <p>The findings were stark. Women who rated their relationships as equal also reported greater relationship satisfaction and higher dyadic desire (intertwined with the dynamics of the relationship) than other women in the study.</p> <p>Unfortunately (and perhaps, tellingly), the partner’s work group was too small to draw any substantial conclusions.</p> <p>However, for the women’s work group it was clear their dyadic desire was diminished. This group was also less satisfied in their relationships overall.</p> <p>We found something interesting when turning our attention to women’s solo desire. While it seems logical that relationship inequities might affect all aspects of women’s sexuality, our results showed that fairness did not significantly impact solo desire.</p> <p>This suggests women’s low desire isn’t an internal sexual problem to be treated with <a href="https://www.insider.com/guides/health/yoni-eggs#:%7E:text=Yoni%20eggs%20are%20egg%2Dshaped,bacterial%20infections%20and%20intense%20pain.">mindfulness apps and jade eggs</a>, but rather one that needs effort from both partners.</p> <p>Other relationship factors are involved. We found children increased the workload for women, leading to lower relationship equity and consequently, lower sexual desire.</p> <p> </p> <p>Relationship length also played a role. Research shows long-term relationships are <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-018-1175-x">associated with</a> decreasing desire for women, and this is often attributed to the tedium of over-familiarity (think of the bored, sexless <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBq-Nyo0lQg">wives in 90s sitcoms</a>).</p> <p>However our research indicates relationship boredom is not the reason, with the increasing inequity over the course of a relationship often the cause of women’s disinterest in sex.</p> <p>The longer some relationships continue, the more unfair they become, lowering women’s desire. This may be because women take on managing their partner’s relationships, as well as their own (“It’s time we had your best friend over for dinner”).</p> <p>And while domestic housework may start as equally shared, over time, women <a href="https://www.abs.gov.au/media-centre/media-releases/women-spent-more-time-men-unpaid-work-may">tend to do more</a> household tasks.</p> <h2>What about same-sex couples?</h2> <p>Same-sex couples have <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/fare.12293">more equitable relationships</a>.</p> <p>However, we found the same link between equity and desire for women in same-sex relationships, although it was much stronger for heteronormative couples.</p> <p>A sense of fairness within a relationship is fundamental to all women’s satisfaction and sexual desire.</p> <h2>What happens next?</h2> <p>Our findings suggest one response to low desire in women could be to address the amount of work women have to take on in relationships.</p> <p>The link between relationship satisfaction and female sexual desire has been firmly established in <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-018-1175-x">previous research</a> but our findings explain how this dynamic works: women’s sense of fairness within a relationship forecasts their contentment, which has repercussions on their desire for their partner.</p> <p>To translate our results into clinical practice, we could run trials to confirm if lowering women’s mental load results in greater sexual desire.</p> <p>We could have a “housework and mental load ban” for a sample of women reporting low sexual desire and record if there are changes in their reported levels of desire.</p> <p>Or perhaps women’s sexual partners could do the dishes tonight and see what happens.</p> <p><em>Image credit: Shutterstock</em></p> <p><em>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/dont-blame-women-for-low-libido-sexual-sparks-fly-when-partners-do-their-share-of-chores-including-calling-the-plumber-185401" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>. </em></p>

Relationships

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How to tell if your partner is stealing from you

<p>Financial infidelity can take many forms and it can be devastating to a relationship. From secretive purchases to hiding debts, dishonesty about income to secret investments, it can cause significant harm to both partners. If you want to avoid becoming victims of financial infidelity, it is important to communicate openly and honestly about your finances. </p> <p>Taking responsibility for your financial health is good for your wellbeing. Whether it’s being pro-active in the face of financial infidelity or recovering the damages, being aware of the common forms and red flags can help you build strategies to move forward. Here is what you need to know.</p> <p><strong>Common financial ‘secrets’ </strong></p> <p>Money lies take several forms and they all involve secrecy, for example, buying items without informing your partner, gambling or other expenses that are unaccounted for, frivolous spending on unnecessary items, not disclosing debts or loans, and lying about how much money you make or your financial situation. </p> <p>Then there are the secret bank accounts and investing money without your partner's knowledge. Your partner may be harbouring one or many of these common financial secrets, so knowing the red flags will help you bring the dishonesty to the surface.</p> <p><strong>Signs of financial infidelity</strong></p> <p>It is important to keep an eye out for signs of financial infidelity. The red flags that will call out secretive behaviour include new credit card statements or bank accounts that you know nothing about, new items appearing in your house that you didn't buy, packages not addressed to you, new passwords on financial accounts and an unwillingness to discuss money matters. </p> <p>Your partner's behaviour is also a warning. Pay close attention to reactions that don’t seem authentic and displays of paranoia about you opening the mail – especially the bank and credit card statements.</p> <p><strong>Moving beyond financial infidelity</strong></p> <p>If you suspect your partner is guilty of financial infidelity, there are simple steps to help you both move forward. First, you will need your partner to come clean. Ask, listen, and be supportive. They may be feeling embarrassed or ashamed, and fearing judgement. </p> <p>Next, get help. Consider a professional. This could be both financial and personal – by planning a way forward together, you can re-affirm your views about money and trust in your relationship. Financial infidelity can destroy trust in your partner, so you both must be willing to work towards healing the hurt and reducing the risk of future money sins.</p> <p><strong>Make money a talking point</strong></p> <p>When it comes to financial matters, maintaining honesty and trust in your relationship can be challenging. To be on the front foot, try talking about money regularly. Normalise it. For example, talk about your bank balance, who is paying what bills, what you’d like to buy and how you plan to buy it, your savings plans, how your superfund is performing. </p> <p>Set up these conversations in advance and use them as a time to check in on your money goals. You must both feel empowered to ask money questions, so the more you make money conversations the norm, the better.</p> <p><strong>Create a personal finance village </strong></p> <p>Try adding someone to your personal finance village. Consider working with an accountant or financial advisor who can independently help you and your partner to plan open discussions in a safe manner to address your financial issues. Ask their advice on enabling ‘safe’ confessions like having a no-judgement rule for raising money sins. </p> <p>Allow yourselves the opportunity to come clean on spending and work out how best to address this going forward. This offers you the freedom of being on the same page financially and working towards the same financial goals.</p> <p>Finding yourself in a situation involving financial infidelity can be utterly devastating. Of course, the best way of addressing any kind of money cheating is to know the red flags and avoid it altogether. </p> <p>However, as this is not always the case, consider getting professional advice on working towards common financial goals so you can move forward in a positive way. Remember, communication and honesty are key to a healthy and successful financial relationship. </p> <p><strong><em>Jacqui Clarke FCA, FTI, GAICD, JP, author of Stop Worrying About Money (Wiley, $29.95), is a trusted advisor, board member, executor and veteran business executive. As a personal wealth and money management expert and over three decades of experience , 25 years at Deloitte and PWC helping high-net-worth families, individuals and business owners to build, manage and preserve their wealth. Her message is simple: with careful planning and effort, you can manage your money, so it doesn’t manage you. <a href="https://www.jacquiclarke.me/">https://www.jacquiclarke.me/</a></em></strong></p> <p><em><span style="background-color: #ffffff;">Image credits: Getty </span>Images </em></p>

Money & Banking

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"He was a mess": Harry's drunken behaviour outed by ex-soldier

<p dir="ltr">A former soldier has revealed Prince Harry accidentally triggered a panic alarm at St James’s Palace after a drunken night out.</p> <p dir="ltr">The Duke of Sussex reportedly stumbled into a sentry box when he returned from a night out, banging into the emergency response button.</p> <p dir="ltr">Three armed soldiers from the Guards Division dashed out to find Harry, who was 27 at the time, on the floor in a “mess”.</p> <p dir="ltr">Two armed police officers also attended the scene and helped carry the young prince back to his apartment.</p> <p dir="ltr">A former soldier, who served in the Guards Division and was part of the Quick Response Force that found Harry, revealed how the Prince was “blind drunk”.</p> <p dir="ltr">He recalled, “He was a mess, he was on the floor drooling on himself.”</p> <p dir="ltr">“When we tried to get him up he was uncooperative and abusive.”</p> <p dir="ltr">The ex-soldier, who did not want to be named, said, “It was around midnight. An alarm went off in the guard room, but we’d never heard it before.”</p> <p dir="ltr">“One of the senior lads said it was one of the sentry boxes.”</p> <p dir="ltr">“Within a couple of minutes three of us who were in the QRF were out the door. There were two Met Police guys there as well.”</p> <p dir="ltr">“But instead of an intruder or terrorist, we found Prince Harry.”</p> <p dir="ltr">“He was slurring his words, not making any sense.”</p> <p dir="ltr">“When we tried to pick him up he started yelling, ‘Get off me, I don’t need any help’.”</p> <p dir="ltr">“He was pushing us off and being very abusive.”</p> <p dir="ltr">The source said they took him inside and up to his apartment – which was in a “right state”.</p> <p dir="ltr">He said, “It was like student digs, it was sh*t.”</p> <p dir="ltr">“The double bed was unmade, there were clothes and socks over the floor, cans of lager and dirty coffee cups lying around and packs of cigs.”</p> <p dir="ltr">He said the team carried Harry to his bed where the royal “passed out” and was left to sleep it off.</p> <p dir="ltr">He said, “We all had a good laugh and a joke about it.”</p> <p dir="ltr">The ex-soldier, an injured veteran with more than a decade’s service, came forward about the incident after becoming enraged by claims Harry made in his memoir <em>Spare</em>.</p> <p dir="ltr">He said the Prince had a reputation among military circles for being a “social hand grenade” who would often make trouble with his drunken antics.</p> <p dir="ltr"><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p>

News

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Name a cockroach after your ex and feed it to an animal this Valentine's Day

<p>The San Antonio Zoo is making a unique offer for scorned lovers this Valentine's Day.</p> <p>For just $14 (AUD), the Texas zoo will name a cockroach after your ex and feed it to an animal, in a brutal display of hilarious pettiness to show someone how you really feel. </p> <p>The annual Cry Me a Cockroach fundraiser will "support the zoo's vision of securing a future for wildlife in Texas and around the world" the San Antonio Zoo says on its <a href="https://sazoo.org/cry-me-a-cockroach/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">website</a>.</p> <p>For those not into bugs, you can choose a vegetable for $7, or a rodent for $35 to be fed to a hungry zoo resident.</p> <p>All donors will receive a digital Valentine's Day Card showing their support for the zoo.</p> <p>They can also opt to send their ex-partner a digital Valentine's Day Card informing them that a cockroach, rodent, or veggie was named after them and fed to an animal.</p> <p>For those who really want to make a statement, you can pay for a $200 upgrade which includes a personalised video message to the recipient showing their cockroach, rodent or vegetable being devoured by an animal.</p> <p>The annual event continues to be a hit, with Cyle Perez, the zoo's director of public relations, telling CNN last year that they received more than 8,000 donations from all 50 states and over 30 different countries.</p> <p>"Right now, we are on track to break last year's record, with 'Zach,' 'Ray' and 'Adam' being the most submitted ex-names so far," Perez said.</p> <p>To participate, you'll need to <a href="https://sazoo.org/cry-me-a-cockroach/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">submit your ex's name online</a> before Valentine's Day.</p> <p><em>Image credits: San Antonio Zoo</em></p>

Relationships

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