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When a baby is stillborn, grandparents are hit with ‘two lots of grief’. Here’s how we can help

<a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jane-lockton-811825">Jane Lockton</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-adelaide-1119">University of Adelaide</a>; <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/clemence-due-100240">Clemence Due</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-adelaide-1119">University of Adelaide</a>, and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/melissa-oxlad-811406">Melissa Oxlad</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-adelaide-1119">University of Adelaide</a> <a href="https://www.stillbirthcre.org.au/resources/stillbirth-facts/">Six babies</a> are stillborn every day in Australia. This significant loss <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1744165X12001023">affects parents</a> for years to come, often the rest of their lives. However, stillbirth also affects many others, including grandparents. But until now, we have not heard the experiences of grandparents whose grandchildren are stillborn. Their grief was rarely acknowledged and there are few supports tailored to them. Our recently published <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/31387781">research</a> is the first in the world to specifically look at grandmothers’ experience of stillbirth and the support they need. In Australia, a baby <a href="https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0037109">is defined as</a> stillborn when it dies in the womb from 20 weeks’ gestation, or weighs more than 400 grams. Other countries have slightly different definitions. <a href="https://www.stillbirthcre.org.au/resources/stillbirth-facts/">About 2,200</a> babies are stillborn each year here meaning stillbirth may be more common than many people think. And people <a href="https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(11)60107-4/fulltext">don’t tend to talk</a> about this openly despite it leading to significant grief. To explore grandparents’ experience of stillbirth, we interviewed 14 grandmothers for our initial study, and a further 23 grandmothers and grandfathers since then. Many grandparents were not aware stillbirth was a risk today. Most felt unprepared. Like parents, grandparents experienced grief like no other after their grandchild was stillborn. Rose said: "The grief is always there, it never leaves you […] I don’t know why but sometimes it is still very raw." Sally said: "I [would do] anything in my power to take it away, even if it meant, you know, something dreadful happening to me, I would have done it." Grandparents also spoke of anticipating the arrival of their grandchild, and disbelief at their loss. Donna said: "It was as bad as it could be and […] I thought it just couldn’t be real, it couldn’t be real." Where grandparents lived a long way from their child, the loss was even more profound. Distance prevented them from holding their grandchild after birth, attending memorials, or helping their own children. Iris said: "I still miss her now […] When she was born and they had her in the hospital they would text me and say you know she’s got hair like her daddy […] and they would describe her and how beautiful she was, and that’s all they have, you know […] that’s all I have really." Grandparents said they wanted to hide their grief to protect their child from pain. This often made them isolated. Their relationships with family members often changed. Mary said: "It’s like two lots of grief […] but I don’t want it to sound like it’s as bad as my daughter’s loss. It’s different, it’s a different grief, because you’re grieving the loss of a grandchild, and you’re also grieving for your daughter and her loss and it’s like yeah you’ve been kicked in the guts twice instead of once." <h2>What grandparents wanted</h2> Grandparents stressed the importance and ongoing value of being involved in “memory making” and spending time with their stillborn grandchild where possible. Creating mementos, such as taking photos and making footprints and hand prints, were all important ways of expressing their grief. These mementos kept the baby “alive” in the family. They were also a way to ensure their own child knew the baby was loved and remembered. Our research also identified better ways to support grandparents. Grandparents said that if they knew more about stillbirth, they would be more confident in knowing how to help support their children. And if people were more aware of grandparents’ grief, and acknowledged their loss, this would make it easier for them to get support themselves, and reduce feelings of isolation. Our research also found families can recognise that grandparents grieve too, for both their child and grandchild. Grandparents can be encouraged to seek support from other family and friends. Families could also encourage grandparents to seek support from professionals if needed. In hospitals, midwives can adopt some simple, time efficient strategies, with a big impact on grandparents. With parent consent, midwives could include grandparents in memory making activities. By acknowledging the connection grandparents have to the baby, midwives can validate the grief that they experience. In recognising the supportive role of grandparents, midwives can also provide early guidance about how best to support their child. Hospitals can help by including grandparents in the education provided after stillbirth. This might include guidance about support for their child, or simply providing grandparents with written resources and guiding them to appropriate supports. In time, development of peer support programs, where grandparents support others in similar situations, could help. And, as a community, we can support grandparents the same way they support their own children. We can be there, listen and learn. <hr /> All grandparents’ names in this article are pseudonyms. If this article raises issues for you or someone you know, contact <a href="http://www.sands.org.au">Sands</a> (stillbirth and newborn death support) on 1300 072 637. Sands also has <a href="https://www.sands.org.au/images/sands-creative/brochures/127517-For-Grandparents-Brochure.pdf">written information specifically for grandparents</a> of stillborn babies.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/122313/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jane-lockton-811825">Jane Lockton</a>, PhD Candidate (Psychology, Health), <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-adelaide-1119">University of Adelaide</a>; <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/clemence-due-100240">Clemence Due</a>, Senior Lecturer in the School of Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-adelaide-1119">University of Adelaide</a>, and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/melissa-oxlad-811406">Melissa Oxlad</a>, Lecturer in the School of Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-adelaide-1119">University of Adelaide</a> Image credits: Shutterstock This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/when-a-baby-is-stillborn-grandparents-are-hit-with-two-lots-of-grief-heres-how-we-can-help-122313">original article</a>.

Family & Pets

We know parents shape their children’s reading – but so can aunts, uncles and grandparents, by sharing beloved books

<a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/emily-grace-baulch-1399683">Emily Grace Baulch</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/the-university-of-queensland-805">The University of Queensland</a> <a href="https://creative.gov.au/news/media-releases/revealing-reading-a-survey-of-australian-reading-habits/">Over 80%</a> of Australians with children encourage them to read. Children whose parents enjoy reading are <a href="https://www.booktrust.org.uk/news-and-features/news/news-2023/new-research-from-booktrust-reveals-the-impact-of-parental-reading-enjoyment-on-childrens-reading-habits/">20% more likely</a> to enjoy it too. My research has found parents aren’t the only family members who play an important role in developing a passion for reading – extended family, from grandparents to siblings, uncles and great-aunts, also influence readers’ connections to books. I surveyed 160 Australian readers about their home bookshelves and reading habits. More than 80% of them acknowledged the significant influence of family in what and how they read. Reading to children is often <a href="https://www.booktrust.org.uk/globalassets/resources/research/booktrust-family-survey-research-briefing-2-reading-influencers.pdf">the invisible workload of mothers</a>: 95% of mothers read to children, compared to 67% of fathers. Yet intriguingly, those I surveyed – whose ages ranged from their early 20s to their 70s – collectively talked about books being passed down across eight generations. Family members were associated with their most valued books – and their identities as readers. <h2>Treasured possessions</h2> Books passed down through generations often become treasured possessions, embodying a shared family history. One person discussed an old hardcover copy of <a href="https://www.harpercollins.com.au/9780732284350/blinky-bill/">Blinky Bill</a> by Dorothy Wall. Originally given to her father and his siblings by their great-aunt in 1961, the book’s pages are now discoloured and falling out. “Although I always think of my mother as having been my reading role model,” she wrote, “actually my father had an equally big impact, just in another way.” Her father is a central organising figure on her home bookshelf: she has dedicated a whole shelf to the books he liked. The story she tells about his old copy of Blinky Bill, however, crosses generations. The book’s battered state is a testament to its longevity and well-loved status. Its inscription to her family members makes the copy unique and irreplaceable. Another person remembered a set of Dickens’ novels, complete with margin notes and century-old newspaper clippings, carefully stored with her most special books. These volumes, initially owned by her great-great-grandmother and later gifted by her great-aunt, represent a reading bond passed down through generations. Such books can never be replaced, no matter how many copies might be in circulation. These books are closely associated with memories and experiences – they are invaluable for who they represent. A third person has her father’s “old” Anne McCaffrey’s <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/series/40323-dragonriders-of-pern">Dragonriders of Pern</a> series: he read it to her as a teenager, then passed it down. The book “sparked” her interest in science-fiction, and she now intends to pass it on to her own teenager. Her book, too, is “battered”, with “chunks falling out when you read it”. The cover is falling off. The deteriorating state of a book is part of the book’s legacy. It shows how loved it has been. Reading passions can be deliberately cultivated through family, but their value is less connected to reading comprehension or literacy than a sense of connection through sharing. Inherited, much-loved books bind families together. They can anchor absent family members to the present. These books can come to symbolise love, connection and loss. The family members who’ve passed down their books might not be physically present in children’s lives – they may not be reading aloud to them at bedtime – but through their books, they can have a strong presence in their loved ones’ memories. That indelible trace can be sustained into adulthood. <h2>Buying books for the next generation</h2> Another way relatives contribute to a family reading legacy is by buying new copies of much-loved books for the next generation. Theresa Sheen, from The Quick Brown Fox, a specialist children’s bookstore in Brisbane, notes that customers often ask for copies of books they had when they were younger. They may have read them to their children and now want them for their grandchildren. For example, <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/series/40767-the-baby-sitters-club">The Babysitters Club series</a> by Ann M. Martin was mentioned multiple times as a nostalgic favourite, now being sought after by grandparents. Readers’ habits of re-buying favourite books can affect the publishing industry. With older children’s classics still selling, publishers seek to update the text to reflect contemporary cultural mores. Enid Blyton is one author who endures through intergenerational love and nostalgia. However, her work is regularly <a href="https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/books-magazines/books/enid-blytons-famous-five-books-edited-to-remove-offensive-words/news-story/47a63bb79a5d870f19aed58b19469bb5">edited and bowdlerised</a> to update it. Books can be imbued with the voices and emotions of others. They are more than just physical objects – they are vessels of shared experiences that can be passed down, up and across generations. This enduring bond between family members does more than preserve individual stories. It actively shapes and sustains a vibrant reading culture.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/232372/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/emily-grace-baulch-1399683">Emily Grace Baulch</a>, Producer at Ludo Studio & Freelance Editor, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/the-university-of-queensland-805">The University of Queensland</a> Image credits: Shutterstock This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/we-know-parents-shape-their-childrens-reading-but-so-can-aunts-uncles-and-grandparents-by-sharing-beloved-books-232372">original article</a>.

Family & Pets

Grandparents found hugging after being killed by fallen tree

Marcia Savage, 74, and Jerry Savage, 78, had already turned in for the night as Hurricane Helene roared outside. Their 22-year-old grandson, John Savage, had checked in on them to make sure they were fine after he heard a snap. “We heard one snap and I remember going back there and checking on them. They were both fine, the dog was fine." he recalled. But not long after disaster struck and John and his father heard a "boom" as one of the largest trees on their property in Beech Island, South Carolina came crashing down on top of his grandparents' bedroom, killing them. “All you could see was ceiling and tree,” he said. “I was just going through sheer panic at that point.” John said his grandparents were found hugging one another in the bed, in what he described as a final heroic act from Jerry who tried to protect his wife. “When they pulled them out of there, my grandpa apparently heard the tree snap beforehand and rolled over to try to protect my grandmother,” he said. Jerry did all sorts of handy work but worked mostly as an electrician and carpenter. Jerry went “in and out of retirement because he got bored”. “He’d get that spirit back in him to go back out and work," his grandson said. Marcia was a retired bank teller who was very involved in their church. Their daughter Tammy Estep said Marcia loved cooking for her family, especially for Thanksgiving, and was known for her banana pudding. The couple were high school sweethearts and were married for more than 50 years, with Tammy recalling that "their love was immediate, and it was everlasting”. “They loved each other to their dying day,” John said. The couple are among more than 150 people confirmed dead in one of the deadliest storms in US history. A GoFundMe organised for their funeral expenses says that they were survived by their son and daughter, along with their four grandchildren and seven great-grandchildren. Images: Facebook

Caring

The most beloved grandparents in film

Grandparents – they’re wise, loving and occasionally grumpy. They also make some of the best characters in films. So grab the popcorn, gather the grandkids and show them how amazing grandparents are! Queen Clarisse Renaldi in The Princess Diaries Played by the graceful Julie Andrew, the ruler of the fictional country Genovia needs to teach her granddaughter and heir Mia (Anne Hathaway) how to be Queen. It’s the growing relationship – from heated arguments to acceptance and understanding – between the two that makes this movie. Aurora Greenway in Terms of Endearment In possibly the best movie made about the mother-daughter relationship, Oscar-winning Shirley MacLaine plays the mother who puts years of hostility behind her to care for terminally ill daughter Emma (Debra Winger). However, it’s her role as a grandparent that brings her ultimate redemption becoming the guardian to her three grandchildren. Warning: tissues are a must in this film. Grandma Annie in The Proposal Although she has no grandchildren, Betty White always plays the most hilarious nanas. Grandma Annie’s 90th birthday party is the big event where the romance between Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds finally comes to fruition. Even 60 years into her career, Betty White’s comical facial expressions will still make you laugh. Grandpa Joe in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory The bedridden grandfather decides to take his first steps into the outside world for his beloved grandson Charlie. The grandfather and grandson together experience a fantastical adventure of a life time, a trip to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. The Grandfather in The Princess Bride The anonymous grandfather played by Peter Falk entertains his sick grandson (Fred Savage) with a good-old fashioned adventure story. Although reluctant at first, the grandson is soon just as caught up as we are about the tale of the masked man saving the beautiful princess. Carl Fredricksen in Up Although not technically a grandfather, the animated story of a grumpy 78-year old man who forms an unlikely friendship with 8-year-old wilderness explorer Russell is a beautiful story of the generations’ comings together. Because of Russell, Carl learns to live again, something he never thought possible after the death of his wife many years ago. Images: Wolper Pictures

Movies

The 10 “types” of grandparents

In his book, The Grandparent Guide: The Definitive Guide to Coping with the Challenges of Modern Grandparenting, Dr. Arthur Kornhaber, a psychiatrist and founder of a non-profit organisation that promotes the importance of grandparenting identified 10 special roles grandparents play in the lives of grandchildren, all showing the profound impact grandparents can have on children’s lives. Which role, or roles, do you most identify with? Ancestor – “You function as an ambassador to the past, a powerful figure in the present, and a role model for the future.” Buddy – “You’re a pal, secret confidante, and at times, even a light-hearted conspirator.” Hero – “The fact that you have lived in times and places so far removed from your grandchild’s everyday experiences imbues you with heroic qualities.” Historian – “Sharing your own life experiences as well as those of your ancestors will give your grandchild a sense of continuity and belonging.” Mentor – “You are a cheerleader firing her imagination, inspiring her dreams, nurturing her spirit, and encouraging her intellectual growth while giving her a sense of self-worth.” Role model – “Your actions show your children and grandchildren how they should behave as grandparents of the future.” Spiritual guide – “Acting as a spiritual guide involves teaching your grandchild to harvest such fruits of the spirit as love, tolerance, compassion, reverence, joy, peace, gentleness, faith, and kindness.” Teacher – “As a grandparent, you have the right and the responsibility to run your own classroom about life, to develop your own curriculum, and to pass on your wisdom, knowledge, and life experience.” Student – “Just as you teach and inspire your grandchild with your knowledge, she can teach and inspire you with her knowledge of contemporary times across generations and motivate you to jumpstart your capacity to grow and change.” Wizard – “Activate your own wizardry and be your grandchild’s companion in the preternatural world of make-believe and illusion, of dreams and surprises. Fly together on the wings of fancy and enjoy the flight!” Image: Getty Images

Family & Pets

Readers Respond: What is your favourite thing about being a grandparent?

They say a mother’s love is different, as is a father’s love. But what about grandparents and their relationship with their grandchildren? Surely nothing compares. So we decided to ask you about the favourite thing about being grandparents and it sure made us miss ours. From a simple hug to just being in their presence - here are some of your most moving responses. JanWayne Richo - The same as being a parent, I love every single second of being with them! Lorraine Fox - Having the pleasure of their company. Pam Moss - I love every single moment I spend with my grandchildren. I love them to bits and love watching them grow into beautiful adults - love hugs and kisses and love the individuality of each one!!! Lorene Owers - Everything but especially when they give me a hug. Christine Scott - Their little arms around my neck for cuddles. Elizabeth Granter - Being a parent and grandparent is very special. Seeing them grow up into beautiful adults - love them to bits. Raymond Wagner - Filing their bellies with junk food and taking her home. Rick Dayes - Spending lots of time with them. They make me feel 20 years younger. Judy Garstone - Spending time and listening to their stories with them and getting big hugs. Elaine Costello - Being able to hand them back when they have entertained me to exhaustion and then looking forward to the next time. Heather Lawson Hillman - Everything but if I had to choose...it's seeing their face light up yelling grandma's here...as they run to see you. Sandra Bull - When you pull up outside their house and they are waiting screaming "nanny" "poppy". Judy Borwick - Love just being around them, listening, watching and being part of their lives. It's very special to me. Julie Auld - When we all get together. Share your cherished memories <a href="https://www.facebook.com/oversixtyNZ/posts/pfbid0SMUUgStmYTizdVMqDTNbxzYa8SVidAYF4tZtUX35nYXu4p5tFWX37ymtmtqVsevnl" target="_blank" rel="noopener">here</a>. Image: Shutterstock

Relationships

Readers respond: What advice did your grandparents give to you that you remember best?

We asked our readers to think back to a time their grandparents gave them some of the best advice they still remember today. From looking for the good in everyone, tucking in your singlet, and never trusting your fart. Here are some of your answers. Peter Laing - My Gran had a saying: The wise old owl sat in the oak. The more he listened the less he spoke. The less he spoke the more he heard. We should all be like that wise old bird. Gail Keeb - My dad's mum always said "Spend less than you make!". Elsie Miller - If a job is worth doing, it is worth doing well. Kerri Anderson - My grandmother gave me two important pieces of advice on aging - never walk past a toilet and never trust a fart! Laraine Fields - My Nana told me that there was some good in everyone and to look for that. Janice Grove - If you cannot say anything nice, say nothing. Susan Buckett - Always wear clean underwear when you go out, in case you have an accident. Tracey Burns Kitchingham - Some things are better left unsaid…My grandmother was a very wise woman. Pam Leonard - Always leave a place better than the way you found it. No good being so heavenly good that you’re no earthly use. Kylie Jane McCauley - Always keep a little cash aside for a rainy day. You never know when a storm might blow in. Peter Hulthen - Respect your elders. Help the less fortunate. Sue Casey - Life is too long to be unhappy. To leave a memory of your own, or to check out more of the inspiring responses head <a href="https://www.facebook.com/oversixtyNZ/posts/pfbid02RxCVd13bBb1N59vYUcgQohgxie6u4uazXNTgvFmRWpKSa6z7ZLKc5peUwaQATUb6l" target="_blank" rel="noopener">here</a>. Image: Shutterstock

Retirement Life

The real reason you’re not a grandparent yet

How many times have you asked your child when they’re going to make you a grandparent? Too many times to count. But you may soon have an answer as to why you’re not a grandparent yet thanks to relationship expert Louanne Ward. The dating expert has shared the top six mistakes men and women are making that are keeping them single. The mistakes include: <ol> <li dir="ltr" aria-level="1"> You expect a partner to be everything you ever wanted </li> </ol> When you expect something from your partner and it’s something you’ve always wanted it can almost always lead to disappointment. <ol start="2"> <li dir="ltr" aria-level="1"> You see personality differences as negatives </li> </ol> “It is important to have differences and similarities,” Louanna explained. <blockquote class="instagram-media" style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/reel/CdVXIueJqza/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="14"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"> </div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"> </div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"> </div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <div style="padding: 12.5% 0;"> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;"> <div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);"> </div> </div> <div style="margin-left: 8px;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;"> </div> <div style="width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg);"> </div> </div> <div style="margin-left: auto;"> <div style="width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);"> </div> <div style="width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);"> </div> </div> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;"> </div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" href="https://www.instagram.com/reel/CdVXIueJqza/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A post shared by Matchmaker | dating expert (@louanneward)</a> </div> </blockquote> <ol start="3"> <li dir="ltr" aria-level="1"> You compare the person to past experiences or future dreams </li> </ol> “You are comparing the person to past experience you have had and the future experience you want to have, so you aren't actually present in the relationship,” she said. <ol start="4"> <li dir="ltr" aria-level="1"> You are afraid of “settling” if they don't tick every box </li> </ol> Louanna explained that people would feel they are settling for a person if they don’t meet each of their criteria. <ol start="5"> <li dir="ltr" aria-level="1"> You leave at the first time of trouble, not willing to work through it. </li> </ol> “You leave at the first sign of trouble rather than working through conflict or challenges,” Louanna explained. <ol start="6"> <li dir="ltr" aria-level="1"> You don't give people a chance, and make snap judgements. </li> </ol> “You make a snap decision and judgement without scratching the surface,” she said. So what do you think? Image: Shutterstock

Relationships

Readers respond: What do you remember about your grandparents?

We asked our readers what they remember most about their grandparents, and the responses were heartwarming. From holiday visits and distinctive smells, to gifts and special activities, here are some of your favourite memories with your grandparents. Dawn Dominick - My grandma on shopping day at the Vic market.. she would always buy me a toffee apple as a treat. Isabel Edwards - I was lucky to live in a home with my great grandmother & my grandparents at the same time that was when families would look after each other.Vicki Wooden - My Nana was warm, soft, smelt of lily of the valley powder, liked to sing old songs, could knit or crochet anything, she gave the best hugs and she made a dessert called apple snow and I loved it and her more than anything else.Allan Riches - That beautiful smell of my lovely Nana, her laughing, and smiles and cuddles, oh and her apple pies.Shirley Williams Knevitt - Only knew one grandparent and remember she would bring balfours fruit buns each visit.Margaret Inglis - Only knew my mother's mother. She lived quite a distance from us, so didn't see her often. Saying that she would stay for a few days and would always be crocheting doilies and place mats. Still have some. Also, we would do an errand for mum after school and Nana would always slip in a couple of pennies for an ice cream.Jackie Jakeways - My Nan and grandad helped bring up my brother and me as we lived in there house loved them both dearly. I will always remember my pretty dresses and my nans beautiful long auburn hair and brushing it.Joy Meyer - My Nan was a wonderful caring woman. On her 100th birthday she said we shouldn't be making a fuss over her... we should be sending the queen get well cards cos she just came out of hospital. That's the lovely type of person Nan was.Lynette Smede - My maternal grandmother lived with us and made the best mushroom and niche tarts.Lynne Clarke Carter - My pop was still riding his bicycle at age 90, and other granddad showing us how to pan for gold at the creek in Ballarat.Pam Thomas - How brave my granddad was to go and return from World War 1. He was a gentle beautiful man who never got over the hell of war. And my wonderful nana who supported him at every step.Karen Algie - I had lots of school holidays with my grandparents and loved every minute, they are the best memories I have from my childhood.Linda Barclay - My paternal grandmother, was tough as nuts. She used to stitch up her own injuries! She was good for a laugh some times though.Diane Wilson - Only met my grandma on mums side and she passes when l was 12 but she showed me how to crochet. Donna Knight - I always use to get behind my nana when lights and thunder hit thinking that she would protect me.Image credits: Getty Images

Family & Pets

Readers respond: What is your favourite thing about being a grandparent?

We asked our readers what their favourite thing is about being a grandparent, and the responses were overwhelming. To seeing their families grow up, to having someone fun to learn from, here is what you said. Patricia Eaton - Seeing that look of wonder meant on her gorgeous little face when I sing old nursery rhymes or songs to her and she joins in.Raymond Wagner - Filing their bellies with junk food and taking her home.Joan Greenwood - Everything but especially the hugs and cuddles.Rick Dayes - Spending lots of time with them they make me feel 20 years younger.Jude Lowe - Remembering their parents at the same age!Janette Scott - The excitement to see them again, watching them grow and their funny ways!Maureen Norton - Love having the grandkids,the cuddles,the innocent remarks making me laugh.Lorraine Fox - Having the pleasure of their company.Karen Spencer - Working at my grandsons School, seeing him and my great nephew there.Christa Caldecott - Listening to their stories of what they’ve been learning and doing. Some are hilarious from our 4 year old great grandson.Elaine Costello - Being able to hand them back when they have entertained me to exhaustion and then looking forward to the next time.Margaret Stroud - The overwhelming love that you feel the little faces light up and call your name and watching them grow.Sandra Bull - When you pull up out side their house and they are waiting screaming "nanny" and "poppy".Margaret Dorries - When the families all get together.Sandra McGregor - Being able to enjoy these little people without having to raise them. We’ve done the raising of their parents and now we just get to do all the fun stuff with them! Love my 10 Grandies to bits!Lois Tysver Fox - Having my Grands here for some one-on-one time. And seeing how much they've grown and changed in such a short time. I get my three grands every other Saturday, and I'm loving this.Kate Forno - Having the privilege of watching them grow and mature and spending as much time as possible with them because it always leaves me feeling like I’m floating on air.Jenny Whales - Their innocence and awe.. to see the world through their eyes, accepting and unconditional love, and their beautiful smiling faces.Michael Woodhouse - Handing them back at the end of the day.Nola Schmidt - Everything, but especially when they tell me they love me.Joy Derham - Hugs and then being able to hand them back when they have entertained me to exhaustion and then looking forward to the next time.Image credits: Getty Images

Family & Pets

Canberra grandparents graduate from Rock School

Maria and Chris Adams have proved that you’re never too old to learn something new and pursue a new passion. The 76 and 78-year-old retired accountants from Canberra saw an opportunity for a unique experience with the Australian National University's Community Rock School, and asked themselves, “why not?” "We were giggling as we filled out the application," Maria said to the <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-11-28/canberra-music-school-teaching-instruments/100650008" target="_blank">ABC</a>. "But then we got accepted and thought, 'oh my god, Grandad and Grandma are going to rock school!'" Chris said he always wanted to be in a band when he was a kid, but neither he nor his wife’s parents could afford to send them to music lessons. Now, the pair can play the ukelele, guitar and sing. "We like playing the songs that we remember, because it gives us the memories," Chris said. "It's something we can share with each other, and share with our eight grandkids," Maria added. The free program is run by Micha Forman through the ANU School of Music, and is open to anyone over the age of 18. "We'll have really young participants who are just out of high school, right up to people in their 70s and 80s," Micha said. Throughout the program, students learn how to play as a group, as well as develop their own individual skills. Micha says the program draws in all kinds of people who have different relationships with music, and is a uniting force to get people involved in something creative. "It can be a part of their life in a way that they want it to be, not in a way that someone else has told them it should be." Check out Chris and Maria’s story below. <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/T8JF6Zwv7MM" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen=""></iframe> Image credits: Youtube - ABC News Australia

Music

Twins steal from grandparents and get to KEEP the money

<div class="post_body_wrapper"> <div class="post_body"> <div class="body_text redactor-styles redactor-in"> Two Scottish pensioners have been left devastated after their grandchildren stole their life savings from them and refused to pay them back. Crawford Pirrie, 73m and wife Marlene, 75, were heartbroken when their grandchildren, twins Clair and Louise Smith stole $14,000 from them in 2018. The twins had been trusted with the elderly couple's debit card to run errands for them after their grandfather had a stroke, but instead, the twins cleaned out their grandparents. Crawford has said he's yet to get an apology from the twins and that he's "ashamed" to be related to them. The elderly couple tried to get their funds back via a compensation order but were denied by a judge who decided to give a three-month restriction of liberty order. This means that the twins were fitted with electronic tags for three months as well as being ordered to abide by 7 pm to 7 am curfew for the same period. “Not only have the twins refused to pay the money they stole from us but they haven’t even said sorry,” Mr Pirrie said. “They have been acting like they are the victims ever since the court hearing, insisting they haven’t done anything wrong. “They are creatures of the lowest form and we are ashamed to be related to them.” The twins confessed to their crimes, but have not given the money back to their grandparents. Mr Pirrie said that the bank had refused to pay them back as the grandparents gave the twins the debit card willingly. Photo credit: <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/news-life/twin-sisters-steal-grandparents-savings-and-dont-have-to-return-it/news-story/96eba7ac9cf8f3df0fde4a22b5400f95" target="_blank">news.com.au</a> </div> </div> </div>

News

Grandparents' genius trick to "visit" family safely

Thanksgiving is approaching in the USA, and with many opting not to travel to spend the holidays with their families due to COVID-19, the holiday will look slightly different this year. Missy and Billy Buchanan from Texas knew travelling wasn’t an option for them due to being in the high risk category. So they came up with the perfect idea to make sure their family didn’t miss their presence, by sending them life-sized cardboard cutouts. Between them, Missy and Billy have four grandchildren that range in age from three to 12, and still wanted to be present in the annual family dinner. "As COVID19 numbers continue to rise, we wanted to show that you can have fun and help keep everyone safe, too," Buchanan said on a <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=10220993189732428&set=a.1183512640954" target="_blank">Facebook post.</a> "I have so many friends who have been impacted by COVID19. For us, it's an act of love. And our kids and grandkids are having such fun with 'us'". The cut outs stand at six feet tall, and gave their kids a shock when they arrived in the mail. <iframe src="https://www.facebook.com/plugins/post.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fmissy.buchanan.5%2Fposts%2F10220993219733178&show_text=true&width=552&height=702&appId" width="552" height="702" style="border: none; overflow: hidden;" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="true" allow="autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; picture-in-picture; web-share"></iframe> And while some of the grandkids were a little terrified at first, they ended up thinking it was hilarious. "My daughter got hers first. She texted, 'Omg!' and called and said, 'This is the funniest thing we've ever seen,'" Buchanan told <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.goodmorningamerica.com/family/story/grandparents-send-cardboard-cutouts-grandkids-place-thanksgiving-74375764?cid=social_fb_abcn&fbclid=IwAR2MaBadeXyNx7RcuD5rYWI5aPny5gwWNyM8oMKgNE8TlqNAuF2JXJYpP-Q" target="_blank">Good Morning America,</a> adding they've been having fun putting them in different parts of the house. "The kids get to pass them as they go to bed every night and say goodnight to Ama and Poppi," the Buchanan's son Matthew told <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.today.com/parents/grandparents-send-cardboard-cutouts-thanksgiving-2020-t200477" target="_blank">TODAY.</a> The Buchanan's said they hope their fun solution can show other families that you can still be safe and have fun celebrating, even from a distance. "Grandparents can lead the way on this," she said. "I think they're having more fun with the cut-outs than they would have had we been there in person!"

Family & Pets

Great-grandparents sell multimillion-dollar penthouse to help COVID-19 research

An elderly couple in Queensland have decided to donate the proceeds of their multimillion dollar seaside penthouse in order to help researchers develop a vaccine for COVID-19. Keith and Glenda Drake, both in their 80s, decided to auction off their two-storey penthouse on the Sunshine Coast and want to assist in the search for a cure. The couple moved from the penthouse to an acreage property with their 57-year-old son Neville who requires round-the-clock care as he lives with quadriplegia cerebral palsy. Keith said that the penthouse was earning rental income but decided as long as they have enough income to look after their son’s needs, the money could be put to better use. "We have enough, we know what we need for Neville and his condition, and the rest of our family," he said to <a rel="noopener noreferrer" href="https://mobile.abc.net.au/news/2020-04-24/couple-donate-penthouse-proceeds-to-coronavirus-research/12177108?pfmredir=sm" target="_blank">ABC</a>. "We won't live forever, we're in our 80s … so I said to Glenda, 'Let's do it' and she said, 'Yes!'. "I understood the significance of this pandemic, I realised how serious it was, and thought the laboratories must really be needing some money to do what they've got to do. "Without them coming up with a remedy we could be stuck with this thing for a long time." The couple had already donated $100,000 to the cause but felt the money “wouldn’t get them very far” and decided to add their proceeds from the penthouse to the donation. The funds will go towards expanding national trials, testing the effectiveness of two drugs in the treatment of COVID-19 and other medical research projects. "I couldn't do what they do [medical staff] and that to me is of greater significance than what we are doing," Mr Drake said. "Giving a material thing is not as valuable as the time and energy put in by these medical people. "Those people doing the work — carers, people fighting fires — those are the wonderful people who deserve accolades, not people like us who have just been lucky in business." The funds will go to the Royal Brisbane and Women’s Hospital (HBWH) Foundation Coronavirus Action Fund, and chief executive Simone Garske said that the family are “incredibly generous”. "The funds from the sale of the property will allow research projects, such as clinical trials, to occur and be expanded when necessary, so we get answers faster," she said.

Real Estate

Grandparents vs Parents: Who will win in the battle against screens?

New concerns surrounding screen time and mobile phone usage is causing rifts between parents and grandparents. Parents, who want to limit their children’s screen time, can lay down the law, but it can be difficult if the grandparents are giving the children a bit more screen time than they’re allowed. Both parties don’t want to rock the boat, despite their differing opinions. Grandparents don’t want to miss out on time with the kids and parents don’t want to miss out on work as they scramble to find a replacement babysitter. However, when instructions are repeatedly ignored, this can cause rifts. A mother told <a href="https://www.wsj.com/articles/its-grandparents-v-parents-in-the-battle-over-kids-screens-11556011800">The Wall Street Journal</a> that she limits screen time at home, but when the kids go to grandma’s, the rule is significantly relaxed. “Every time I talk to her about it, she’s like, ‘Well, I never get to see my grandkids, and they need to have fun with me.’ To her, watching a movie together is connecting. To me, that’s not connecting,” the mother explained. However, the grandmother explained that she didn’t see a problem. She told TWSJ that she let her granddaughter stay on the iPad until 2 in the morning on a school night playing games. “I told my granddaughter to turn it [the iPad] off. I didn’t want to get busted.” The tension between the pair has frustrated the mother so much, she’s hired a babysitter to take care of her children on the weekends. Despite the tension, she’s reluctant to push the issue too much as she realises how lucky she is to have her mother still around. “I don’t know how much time I have on this earth and I want them to have memories of how fun Mimi was,” Ms. Kapsi Potter said of her grandchildren. “That’s what’s important to me. If there’s something they want to watch, I’ll let them. I let them stay up late. They can do whatever they want but set the house on fire.”

Technology

Revenge attack: Man flushes grandparents' ashes down the toilet

An American man has been accused of flushing his grandparents’ ashes down the toilet as a revenge attack after his mother kicked him out of her house. 33-year-old Thomas Porter Wells was asked to leave his mother’s residence in Pittsburgh, US in September, where he had been staying temporarily, after she complained about his drinking and marijuana use. Wells’ mother, Denise Porter, told police that she learned in February through a relative that Wells had flushed the ashes of her late mother and father down the toilet before leaving the house. The ashes had been kept in a box in Porter’s bedroom, according to <a rel="noopener" href="https://triblive.com/local/pittsburgh-allegheny/mckeesport-man-accused-of-flushing-grandparents-ashes-down-toilet/" target="_blank">police records</a>. In a phone call with his mother, Wells allegedly denied flushing the ashes but later sent a text message saying: “Yep and soon as you die you’ll be going in the same spot where you belong down the s***ter you b***h.” Wells is now facing two counts of abuse of a corpse and one count of criminal mischief. He is currently free on non-monetary bond and is due for a preliminary hearing on May 13.

Caring

Kids need to spend more time with their grandparents, finds new study

As if you needed another reason to spend more time with the grandkids, a new study has just confirmed what we all knew – a strong bond is good for both you and the little ones. Researchers from the University of Liege in Belgium studied 1,151 children between the ages of seven and 16, asking them what they thought about older people in general, as well as how they felt about their grandparents, how their grandparents’ health was and how often they saw or spoke to their grandparents. “The most important factor associated with ageist stereotypes was poor quality of contact with grandparents,” lead researcher Allison Flamion said in a statement. “We asked children to describe how they felt about seeing their grandparents. Those who felt unhappy were designated as having poor quality of contact. When it came to ageist views, we found that quality of contact mattered much more than frequency.” The study, published in the journal <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/cdev.12992/full" target="_blank">Child Development</a>, found that kids who spent more time with their grandparents were less likely to exhibit ageist views and negative opinions or stereotypes towards the elderly. However, the grandparents’ health had a surprisingly significant impact on how the children viewed older people. Those whose grandparents were in poor health were more inclined to hold ageist opinions than those with healthy grandparents. “For many children, grandparents are their first and most frequent contact with older adults,” explained Stephane Adam, professor of psychology at the University of Liege and co-author of the study. “Our findings point to the potential of grandparents to be part of intergenerational programs designed to prevent ageism. Next, we hope to explore what makes contacts with grandparents more rewarding for their grandchildren as well as the effects on children of living with or caring for their grandparents.” Tell us in the comments below, how often do you see your grandchildren?

Family & Pets

New survey reveals parents really do have a "favourite child"

It’s the question every sibling has asked themselves at least once – am I the favourite child? And if you asked your parents that very question, chances are you got the usual response: “We love you both equally." Well, according to a new report, they may not have been telling the truth. Two surveys conducted by parenting website Mumsnet and grandparenting site Gransnet has found a surprising number of mums, dads, nans and pops really do have preferences when it comes to their little ones. Nearly a quarter (23 per cent) of the 1,185 Mumsnet users admitted they had a favourite, while a staggering 42 per cent of 1,111 Gransnet users said the same. The majority of parents with a favourite child said they preferred their youngest child, while just 26 per cent said it was their eldest, and four in 10 grandparents said their first-born grandchild was their favourite. Forty-two per cent of those who admitted they had a favourite also revealed the child reminded them of themselves, while more than half said their favourite child made them laugh more than their other child(ren). Despite this, more than half of parents and grandparents who confessed to playing favourites admitted it made them feel “awful”, with three quarters agreeing that favouritism can have a damaging effect on their other children. “Favouritism is one of the last taboos and can provoke a lot of guilt, so it’s important to say that feeling a greater affinity for a particular child – often, whichever one is willing to put their shoes on – is fairly common, and doesn’t have to be disastrous,” Mumsnet founder Justine Roberts told <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/family/mums-dads-revealed-child-most-12174375" target="_blank">The Mirror</a>. “Toxic favouritism, where siblings become aware of being treated unfairly over the long term, is a whole other ball game. “The distilled Mumsnet wisdom on this issue is that lots of parents like their children differently: the crucial thing is to love them all wholly.” Tell us in the comments below, were you the favourite child? Do you play favourites with your own children and grandchildren?

Family & Pets

6 unwritten rules for grandparents

Being a grandparent has so many benefits, but there are also some unwritten rules that you must also be aware of. Not wanting to step on the toes of our children and in-laws, while also wanting a strong bond with the grandkids, is the basic goal of most grandparents. Follow the advice below to help support your family to develop into a cohesive unit, crossing multiple generations. 1. Don’t expect a phone call Kids just don’t really think of calling their grandparents. That’s a given. So most of the time it will be up to you to get in touch if you want to meet up or just touch base. Remember that these days, younger people are used to texts or emails rather than conversations. Learn what they’re comfortable with and give that a go. 2. Don’t try to parent them You aren’t here to teach them the life lessons or discipline them. Try to focus on fun, and let this be the building block for a solid relationship with your grandchild. Often when we are engrossed in an activity with a youngster (such as playing with Lego or colouring in) they will open up about what’s happening with their school or friends. 3. Be the bigger person Many families find themselves in a cycle where past hurts and judgements are held as a grudge which can see relationships falter. Don’t let petty arguments or hurt feelings stop you from being the grown up and just try to move on if something happens that bothers you. Also remember that there might be other relatives (including another set of grandparents) whose feelings need to be considered when it comes to things like Christmas and birthday celebrations. 4. Get the good gifts Yes all kids need socks and underwear, but you can leave that to mum and dad. Try to be the person who always gets the grandkids a thoughtful or meaningful gift (rather than more plastic toys that end up in landfill eventually). A great idea is to focus on experiences rather than things, for instance you might buy them a ticket to the cinema or a concert, get them an annual pass to a waterpark, or pay for their guitar lessons. 5. Offer practical help It can be tricky for parents to manage the competing demands of kids, work, bills and relationships. Try to be a regular support by offering practical help wherever possible. This might mean dropping off lasagne to feed the family with the new baby, or popping to the shops for milk if you see they’re running low. Higher level support such as child minding should be discussed in detail to avoid anyone making assumptions about the other one’s role. 6. Keep opinions to yourself Unless you are concerned that your grandchild is in danger, it is not appropriate for you to give your two cents on their haircut, food preferences, bedtime or milk intake. Unless you are specifically asked for advice, it’s best to bite your tongue rather than being seen as stepping over the line. What do you think of these unwritten rules? Are there any more that you would add to the list from your experience?

Family & Pets

Grandkids recreate their grandparent’s photos

Although the world has changed in many different ways over the decades, there are still ways that grandchildren can be reminded of the life and legacy of their grandparents. To honour their grandparent’s journeys, a group of grandchildren have recreated photos from their past and submitted them to <a href="https://www.boredpanda.com/recreating-grandparent-photos/" target="_blank">Bored Panda.</a> While some visited the same sights and others wore identical outfits, it is powerful to see the changes and similarities throughout the generations. Scroll through the gallery above to see the incredible now-and-then photos. Have your or someone in your family ever recreated an old photo? If so, share it with us in the comments below.

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Readers respond: What do you remember about your grandparents?

Readers respond: What is your favourite thing about being a grandparent?

Canberra grandparents graduate from Rock School

Twins steal from grandparents and get to KEEP the money

Grandparents' genius trick to "visit" family safely

Great-grandparents sell multimillion-dollar penthouse to help COVID-19 research

Grandparents vs Parents: Who will win in the battle against screens?

Revenge attack: Man flushes grandparents' ashes down the toilet

Kids need to spend more time with their grandparents, finds new study

New survey reveals parents really do have a "favourite child"

6 unwritten rules for grandparents

Grandkids recreate their grandparent’s photos