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Bridgerton offers clever relationship advice — why friendship is the foundation of happy romantic partnerships

<p><em>This story contains spoilers for Bridgerton</em></p> <hr /> <p>The first season of <a href="https://www.netflix.com/au/title/80232398">Bridgerton</a>, Netflix’s new hit show based on Julia Quinn’s <a href="https://juliaquinn.com/series/bridgertons/">novels</a>, premiered on December 25 last year.</p> <p>The show is set in London, during the debutante season of 1813. It starts with Miss Daphne, the eldest daughter of the Bridgerton family, being presented to the court in preparation for the social season of marriage arrangements.</p> <p>As the story develops, filled with secrets and scandals, the young lady seeks to understand what marriage and love is all about. Her mother, Lady Violet, offers this advice:</p> <blockquote> <p>My dear, why ever do you complicate matters so? You must simply marry the man who feels like your dearest friend.</p> </blockquote> <p>As a psychology researcher who studies romantic relationships, I think this touches on an idea well supported by research evidence: friendship is the foundation of happy romantic partnerships.</p> <p><strong>The importance of friendship</strong></p> <p>American psychologist Robert Sternberg originally <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1986-21992-001">theorised</a> love is composed of three elements: passion, intimacy and commitment.</p> <p>But these elements do not comprehensively describe the complexity of romantic relationships. Researchers have long sought to include other elements such as <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/1468199031000099424">partner compatibility</a>, <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&amp;lr=&amp;id=xRCAAAAAQBAJ&amp;oi=fnd&amp;pg=PA3&amp;dq=info:Vuqqrl6AGiIJ:scholar.google.com&amp;ots=AsvwXKnRxG&amp;sig=5oKQDpBgdR9niPa-_HzeGsU2Lwc&amp;redir_esc=y#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false">emotional connection</a>, <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-33681-007">accessibility</a>, <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-33681-007">responsiveness</a>, <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-33681-007">engagement</a>, <a href="https://ps.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/ps.40.5.540">acceptance</a>, the ability to communicate and reveal thoughts and feelings (called “<a href="https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/pdf/10.1521/jscp.23.6.857.54803">self-disclosure</a>”), <a href="https://europepmc.org/article/med/7220710">independence</a> and <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1994-01471-001">conflict resolution</a>.</p> <p>What’s more, although it’s <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167203262847">well established</a> physical attraction and earning potential will influence how people select partners, <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-3514.51.6.1167">similarity</a> and <a href="https://academic.oup.com/abm/article-abstract/41/1/131/4569550">familiarity</a> are more important for relationships long-term.</p> <p>Over time, similarities such as values, political attitudes, and religiosity become more relevant and <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16958707/">are likely to lead</a> to greater happiness and relationship satisfaction.</p> <p>All of these are qualities you’d also find in a good friend.</p> <p>Indeed marriage researcher and psychologist John Gottman argues friendship is the foundation of happy romantic partnerships and the most important predictor of maintaining good relationships long-term.</p> <p>In his book, <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&amp;lr=&amp;id=HB43DwAAQBAJ&amp;oi=fnd&amp;pg=PT10&amp;dq=seven+principle+of+making+marriage+work&amp;ots=yJ-Bw-nIbt&amp;sig=J0SDLtQIz2NefIqsRrCXOTysWG0#v=onepage&amp;q=%E2%80%9Cknow%20each%20other%20intimately%20%5Band%5D%20are%20well%20versed%20in%20each%20other%E2%80%99s%20likes%2C%20dislikes%2C%20personality%20quirks%2C%20hopes%2C%20and%20dreams&amp;f=false">The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work</a>, Gottman explains couples have a better chance of success if they “know each other intimately — they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams”.</p> <p><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/378168/original/file-20210111-21-hvpfqa.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&amp;q=45&amp;auto=format&amp;w=754&amp;fit=clip" alt="Daphne Bridgerton and her mother Lady Violet Bridgerton" /> <span class="caption">Lady Violet (right) has sound advice for her daughter Daphne: ‘You must simply marry the man who feels like your dearest friend’.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">LIAM DANIEL/NETFLIX</span></span></p> <p>The relationship advice and support provided by Lady Violet was a significant contributor to Daphne’s decision to marry Simon, the Duke of Hastings.</p> <p>The Duke explains that at first, love was out of the question, but in removing it, they found friendship, which is a far greater feat. He put it simply:</p> <blockquote> <p>To meet a beautiful woman is one thing, but to meet your best friend in the most beautiful of women is something entirely apart.</p> </blockquote> <p><strong>Barriers to finding (and keeping) love)</strong></p> <p>On the other hand, the show demonstrates how people’s beliefs, attitudes and behaviours can potentially sabotage their chances in love. One reason why so many couples struggle to navigate conflict in their relationships is because people are often intrinsically motivated to protect themselves rather than be vulnerable.</p> <p>The Duke of Hastings is a good example. In an attempt to protect himself from the hurtful memories of his childhood and relationship with his father, the Duke closed himself off to relationships and love.</p> <p>Unfortunately, this is all too common. In my recent <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039?needAccess=true">study</a>, published in July 2020, I surveyed 696 people and uncovered countless examples of people who describe being afraid and believing they’re not worthy of love.</p> <p>Here are some of them:</p> <blockquote> <p>“I am always afraid it is not going to work out or I am going to get hurt, but I know that me trying to maintain a distance like that is one of the reasons my relationships always fail”</p> <p>“I fear not being accepted for who I am”</p> <p>“My own beliefs that I am maybe not good enough, or worthy of such affection, make it difficult to maintain relationships”</p> <p>“I am not good enough for my partner and one day they will realise that and leave.”</p> </blockquote> <p>These beliefs influence how people perceive quality and stress in relationships, and can mean people prevent themselves from forming and maintaining successful relationships.</p> <p><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/378171/original/file-20210111-19-p5jwn2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&amp;q=45&amp;auto=format&amp;w=754&amp;fit=clip" alt="Sad woman lying on bed facing away from her partner" /> <em><span class="caption">Many of us are afraid to be vulnerable, and shut ourselves off to potential chances at love.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span></em></p> <p><strong>Overcoming the trials of relationships</strong></p> <p>Unlike “happily ever after” tales, Bridgerton follows the couple into a story of conflict when navigating the expectations of marriage.</p> <p>The trust between the couple seemed to have been broken beyond repair after Daphne discovered Simon had been lying to her about his inability to have children. But a foundation of friendship remained. And it was this foundation that helped them overcome their issues.</p> <p>In my research, I <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039?needAccess=true">found</a> participants were able to overcome issues in their relationships by focusing on trust, communication, commitment, safety and acceptance. They noted these as important elements when managing conflict and relationship expectations.</p> <p>Maintaining a healthy relationship long-term requires partners to know, trust and be vulnerable with one another, while also engaging in open communication and collaboration towards the common goal of working on their relationship. Altogether, these elements also describe meaningful friendships.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/152953/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><span><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/raquel-peel-368041">Raquel Peel</a>, Lecturer, <em><a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-southern-queensland-1069">University of Southern Queensland</a></em></span></p> <p>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/bridgerton-offers-clever-relationship-advice-why-friendship-is-the-foundation-of-happy-romantic-partnerships-152953">original article</a>.</p>

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New study shows men feel stressed if female partners earn more than 40 percent of household income

<p>The best marriages are probably based on teamwork. But it seems individual contributions do matter – specifically, who earns how much of the household income.</p> <p><a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167219883611">My research</a> shows that in, heterosexual couples, men are happier when both partners contribute financially – but much prefer to be the main breadwinners.</p> <p>With stress levels high when they are sole breadwinners, men appear to be more relaxed when their wives or partners earn anything up to 40% of the household income.</p> <p>But their distress levels increase sharply as their spouse’s wages rise beyond that point. And they find it most stressful when they are entirely economically dependent on their partners.</p> <p>The findings are based on an <a href="https://psidonline.isr.umich.edu/">analysis</a> of over 6,000 married or cohabiting heterosexual couples over a period of 15 years. Levels of distress are calculated based on feeling sad, nervous, restless, hopeless, worthless, or that day to day life is an effort.</p> <p>Men who are the only earners are relatively unhappy but they were not as stressed as men whose partners are the principal earners. Neither of the extreme scenarios is good for male mental health.</p> <p>The exception is men who knowingly partner with a high-earning woman. These men do not appear to suffer from higher psychological distress when their partners earn more. People do not pick their partners at random, so if the woman was the higher earner before marriage, then the potential income gap was already clear to the man – perhaps even a reason to partner with them.</p> <p><strong>Balance of power</strong></p> <p>There are a variety of reasons which may explain why husbands who are “outearned” by their partners may suffer from psychological distress.</p> <p>When one person in a couple earns a much greater proportion of the joint income, it may create a relationship imbalance. For example, if the relationship deteriorates significantly, the possibility of divorce or separation can make the lower earner feel more vulnerable, financially speaking. These effects are larger among cohabiting couples, possibly due to the <a href="https://ifstudies.org/blog/less-stable-less-important-cohabiting-families-comparative-disadvantage-across-the-globe">higher probability of break up</a>.</p> <p>Even if breaking up is not on the cards, money that comes into the household predominantly through one partner also affects the balance of power. This is important if partners have a different view on what is best for their family, how much to save, what to spend their money on, and various plans and big decisions.</p> <p><strong>Traditional gender identity norms</strong></p> <p>Another theory involves the historic effect of social, psychological and cultural norms when it comes to gender roles. The social construct of a male breadwinner has been highly durable in the past.</p> <p>For generations, in many cultures, there has been an expectation that men will be the primary income provider in the family, and masculinity is highly linked to <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/1389781?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">fulfilling this expectation</a>. Faced with a change in this outcome by being outearned by their partners, means men are likely to experience high levels of psychological distress.</p> <p>But the reality is that things are changing. In places like the US, the percentage of wives outearning their husbands <a href="https://muse.jhu.edu/article/630326/pdf">is growing</a>. In 1980, only 13% of married women earned about as much or more than their husbands. In 2000, that figure almost doubled to 25%, and in 2017 it was 31%. This trend is likely to continue into the future and similar patterns <a href="https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1136176">have been observed</a> in other countries.</p> <p><strong>The stress of being a sole bread winner</strong></p> <p>On average, men in my study said they experienced the lowest levels of psychological distress when their partners earned no more than 40 percent of household income.</p> <p>But for men, being the sole breadwinner may also come at a psychological price. For even if social gender norms support this situation, being the only income earner in a household comes with a lot of responsibility and pressure and so may result in significant anxiety and distress.</p> <p><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/302676/original/file-20191120-524-40h5dt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&amp;q=45&amp;auto=format&amp;w=754&amp;fit=clip" alt="" /> <span class="caption">How perceived stress levels vary.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Joanna Syrda</span>, <span class="license">Author provided</span></span></p> <p>And while the emerging profile of a female breadwinner and its possible consequences has been <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/225702056_The_Female_Breadwinner_Phenomenological_Experience_and_Gendered_Identity_in_WorkFamily_Spaces">widely researched</a>, very little attention has been devoted to the psychological hurdles faced by male primary breadwinners.</p> <p>This lack of research is perhaps symptomatic of the strength of the male bread-winning tradition. Health and wellbeing research is typically devoted to new phenomena, rather than widely accepted norms in society.</p> <p><a href="https://academic.oup.com/qje/article/130/2/571/2330321">Gender identity norms</a> clearly still induce a widely held aversion to a situation where the wife earns more than her husband. And as the number of women outearning their male partners grows, the traditional social norm of the male breadwinner may begin to adjust.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/126620/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/joanna-syrda-386410">Joanna Syrda</a>, Lecturer in Business Economics, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-bath-1325">University of Bath</a></em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/men-feel-stressed-if-their-female-partners-earn-more-than-40-of-household-income-new-research-126620">original article</a>.</em></p>

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