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Gift-giving taboos that aren’t as bad as you think

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/mary-steffel-213379">Mary Steffel</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/northeastern-university-1644">Northeastern University</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/elanor-williams-213382">Elanor Williams</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/indiana-university-1368">Indiana University</a></em></p> <p>There are many social norms that dictate gift-giving, including when, how and what to give as gifts.</p> <p>Interestingly, these norms don’t seem to be about making sure that recipients get the gifts they want. What makes for a good or bad gift often differs in the eyes of givers and recipients.</p> <p>In fact, behavioral science research shows that gifts that may seem “taboo” to givers might actually be better appreciated by recipients than they might think.</p> <h2>Taboo #1: giving money</h2> <p>Givers often worry that giving cash or gift cards might be seen as impersonal, thoughtless or crass. Yet <a href="http://static1.squarespace.com/static/5399fab2e4b083bff5af4518/t/5499c4fee4b0bb5843a0b371/1419363582068/Giver-Recipient+Discrepancies+in+Gift+Giving+Draft+12-17-14+FINAL.pdf">research</a> we have done with Robyn LeBoeuf of Washington University in St Louis shows that recipients prefer these more versatile gifts more than givers think they do.</p> <p>We find that givers underestimate how much recipients like seemingly impersonal monetary gifts, mistakenly thinking that they’ll prefer a traditional gift to a gift card, for instance, or a gift card to cash, when the opposite is true. And, contrary to givers’ expectations, recipients think that these less personal gifts are more thoughtful, too.</p> <p>Why don’t givers realize this? We find that givers tend to focus on recipients’ enduring traits and tastes and choose gifts that are tailored to those characteristics, and recipients are more likely to focus on their varying wants and needs and prefer gifts that give them the freedom to get whatever they currently need or desire most.</p> <p>Prompting givers to shift their focus from what recipients <em>are</em> like to what they <em>would</em> like makes them more likely to choose the versatile gifts that recipients prefer.</p> <h2>Taboo #2: giving a practical gift</h2> <p>A classic sitcom plotline involves the <a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GiftGivingGaffe">gift-giving gaffe</a>, with a prime example being the husband who buys his wife a vacuum cleaner or something else practical when the occasion seems to call for something more sentimental.</p> <p>These blundering husbands might not be as wrong as you’d think, though: research suggests that practical gifts are actually better-liked by recipients than givers expect. For instance, <a href="https://msbfile03.usc.edu/digitalmeasures/wakslak/intellcont/baskin%20wakslak%20trope%20novemsky%20(2014)-1.pdf">research</a> by Ernest Baskin of Saint Joseph’s University and colleagues demonstrates that givers tend to focus on how desirable a gift is, when recipients might prefer they think a little more about how easy that gift is to use.</p> <p>A gift certificate to the best restaurant in the state might not be so great a gift if it takes three hours to get there; your recipient might think that a gift certificate to a less noteworthy but closer restaurant is actually a better gift.</p> <p>In fact, even gifts that aren’t much fun at all, like the fabled vacuum cleaner, can make for great gifts in recipients’ eyes. <a href="https://static1.squarespace.com/static/50a5e160e4b0e80bad9bfe3d/t/567755bbc21b8664a205e822/1450661307640/SJDM+2015+Submission_ER_EFW.pdf">Work</a> that Williams has done with Emily Rosenzweig of Tulane University shows that recipients have a stronger preference for useful rather than fun gifts than givers expect them to have.</p> <p>We find that the best gifts people have received are much more useful than the best gifts they think they have given, and they want givers to put less emphasis on the fun features of a gift and more emphasis on its useful features than they themselves would when picking out a gift to give to someone else.</p> <h2>Taboo #3: giving an ‘uncreative’ gift</h2> <p>Givers often feel pressure to think of creative gifts that demonstrate how much thought they put into the gift and how well they know the recipient.</p> <p>This means that, even when they are given explicit instructions on what to purchase, givers frequently ignore recipients’ wish lists or gift registries and instead try to come up with ideas for gifts by themselves. Givers think that their unsolicited gift ideas will be appreciated just as much as the ideas on wish lists and registries, but <a href="http://static1.squarespace.com/static/55dcde36e4b0df55a96ab220/t/55e746dee4b07156fbd7f6bd/1441220318875/Gino+Flynn+JESP+2011.pdf">recipients would rather</a> have the gifts they requested.</p> <p>Another implication of this is that givers often pass up gifts they know would be better-liked in favor of getting different gifts for each person they give a gift to, according to <a href="http://static1.squarespace.com/static/5399fab2e4b083bff5af4518/t/539a15b3e4b0bf580fb57539/1402607027977/SteffelLeBoeuf2014.pdf">research</a> by Steffel and LeBoeuf. Givers feel like they are being more thoughtful by getting something unique and creative for each person on their shopping list, but recipients would rather have what’s on the top of their wish list, especially if they are unlikely to compare gifts.</p> <p>We find that encouraging givers to consider what recipients would choose for themselves before choosing a gift makes them more likely to go ahead and get the same better-liked gift for more than one recipient.</p> <h2>Taboo #4: giving a gift that can’t be unwrapped</h2> <p>The very idea of exchanging gifts suggests to people that they need to give something that can be tied up with a pretty bow and then unwrapped, but, in fact, some of the best gifts aren’t things at all.</p> <p>A <a href="http://static1.squarespace.com/static/5394dfa6e4b0d7fc44700a04/t/547d589ee4b04b0980670fee/1417500830665/Gilovich+Kumar+Jampol+%28in+press%29+A+Wonderful+Life+JCP.pdf">wealth of research</a> has shown that money is often better spent on experiences than on material goods, and this seems to be true for gifts as well as personal purchases.</p> <p>Joseph Goodman of Washington University in St Louis and Sarah Lim of Seoul National University <a href="http://apps.olin.wustl.edu/faculty/goodman/Giving%20Happiness.pdf">have found</a> that givers think that material items that can be physically exchanged and unwrapped make for better gifts, when gifts that are experiences actually make recipients happier.</p> <p>Experiential gifts have benefits beyond simply boosting their recipients’ enjoyment, as well. Cindy Chan of the University of Toronto and Cassie Mogilner of the University of Pennsylvania <a href="https://www.rotman.utoronto.ca/-/media/Files/Programs-and-Areas/Marketing/papers/ChanMogilner2013.pdf">have shown</a> that receiving an experiential gift prompts stronger emotional reactions in recipients, and this makes them feel closer to the person who gave them the gift. In other words, opt for the swing dance lessons over the sweater – it will make the recipient happier, and bring the two of you closer together, to boot.</p> <h2>If you still can’t think of a gift…</h2> <p>Gift-giving, especially around the holidays, can be a stressful process for both giver and recipient. An understanding of which gift-giving norms are misguided can perhaps relieve some of this stress and lead to better gifts and happier recipients (and givers, too).</p> <p>But even if givers ignore this advice, there is hope: one last taboo to bust is the taboo on regifting. According Gabrielle Adams of the London Business School and colleagues, givers <a href="http://www.people.hbs.edu/mnorton/adams%20flynn%20norton.pdf">aren’t as bothered</a> by regifting as recipients think.</p> <p>Even if what you get is not what you want, you can pass it along to someone else, and hope that next time, the norms will work in your favor.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/52293/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /></p> <p><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/mary-steffel-213379"><em>Mary Steffel</em></a><em>, Assistant Professor of Marketing, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/northeastern-university-1644">Northeastern University</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/elanor-williams-213382">Elanor Williams</a>, Assistant Professor, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/indiana-university-1368">Indiana University</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images </em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/gift-giving-taboos-that-arent-as-bad-as-you-think-52293">original article</a>.</em></p>

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Why is talking about death still so taboo?

<p><em><strong>Deb Rawlings is a Lecturer in Palliative Care and Supportive Services at Flinders University and Research Fellow at CareSearch, the palliative care knowledge network.</strong></em> </p> <p>There once was a time when we were more open about death and about dying. I recently read a piece from the BBC where they were talking about traditions in Victorian England when someone died. They showed ‘death photographs’, whereby the person who has died was included in a family photograph or locks of their hair were made into jewellery. This was a way of remembering forever a family member, often a child who didn’t survive to adulthood. I also saw online that in some countries such as parts of Indonesia, family members who have died are kept at home, often for years afterwards, although this is still happening today, and is a long-held tradition that continues to have a place in their society. </p> <p>These days, particularly in western cultures, we are more likely to die in hospital and there are many people who get well into their adult years without ever seeing anyone die or having seen a dead body. In the past it was also more common to die at home, for the family to dress the body after death, and for the wake (complete with the person in their coffin) be held at the home. It was often a celebration. As a palliative care nurse for many years I only saw this happen once, when a young father’s body was displayed at home in his coffin – his children were there and were answering the door with “mum’s in the kitchen and dad’s in the lounge”. This was an unusual occurrence at the time and was the subject of conversation at work for some time.</p> <p>Funerals have also changed and are continuing to change as we speak. With a rather traditional English upbringing I have only ever been to a funeral in a church and with a formal ceremony and ‘proper’ coffin. All bets are off nowadays though and for many people a funeral is a way for them to leave their mark. There are cardboard coffins that can be decorated or urns for ashes that are biodegradable. Alternatives to burial are also available, such as composting – this is now not only for your garden, but maybe for yourself. Going back to everlasting memories such as jewellery, you can now have cremated remains put into bullets to be fired from a gun or put into ink for a tattoo. Not sure about either of those myself but to each to his own.</p> <p>Funerals are one type of ritual or a way of memorialising someone who has died. Again very open public mourning was commonplace many years ago. At the funeral of Winston Churchill in London in 1965 his coffin was carried down the River Thames and many thousands watched. I remember seeing it on the television with my mum and that memory has stayed with me. Overseas you will often find mourners waiting for hours, days even to see the body of a leader who has died, but in the western world it seems to me that the death of Princess Diana brought with it a more open acknowledgement of death and of grief and loss. We also now commonly see roadside memorials when someone has died in a crash and memorialisation on Facebook where sites are set up after someone has died. Grieving via social media is a more recent phenomenon especially if it is someone famous – think of David Bowie, Ronnie Corbett, Muhammed Ali just to name a few. These people have often had a major influence on our lives, and we feel a part of the great loss that their dying means to the world. For those of us who aren’t famous, we may be remembered more privately or more conservatively than these public figures, but hopefully our family and friends will find out about our death before it is announced on Facebook</p> <p><em>We are exploring some of these issues in a new free online course called Dying2Learn and anyone can participate. It is free and runs for 4 to 5 weeks, starting on June 27. It will be a fascinating exploration of social, cultural and technological aspects of death and dying. You can find out more about Dying2Learn and also register your interest in enrolling on our <strong><a href="http://www.caresearch.com.au/dying2learn/%20%20" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">website here.</span></a></strong></em></p> <p><strong>Related links: </strong></p> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="/health/caring/2016/05/how-to-tell-loved-ones-about-serious-illness-diagnosis/"><em>How to talk to loved ones about a serious illness diagnosis</em></a></strong></span></p> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="/health/caring/2016/05/10-beautiful-quotes-about-grieving/"><em>10 beautiful quotes about grieving</em></a></strong></span></p> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="/health/caring/2016/05/human-rooms-revolutionise-hospice/"><em>“Human rooms” to revolutionise hospice care</em></a></strong></span></p>

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