Why venting can make you more mad
<p>Another day, another nut job on the road in a rage, swearing at the person on the other end of the phone or having an angry outburst at their waitress, colleague, partner, friend or family.</p>
<p>The problem is, it is not just nut jobs who cannot control their temper. It's all of us.</p>
<p>A very yogic, chilled out friend of mine recounted how he lost it and began screaming at a female driver on the road last week after she became the last in a line of people who'd cut him off or behaved badly during a frustrating car trip.</p>
<p>Even the Dalai Lama has admitted to struggling with anger.</p>
<p>"Oh, yes, of course," he told Time magazine in 2010. "I'm a human being. Generally speaking, if a human being never shows anger, then I think something's wrong. He's not right in the brain."</p>
<p>Anger is a natural, healthy emotion that has its place and is sometimes warranted.</p>
<p>The problem is when it hijacks us, small things start to set us off and it starts to affect our relationships and gnarl our insides.</p>
<p>It is a "very common" problem, according to Dr Tim Sharp of the Happiness Institute.</p>
<p>A problem that loves an outlet.</p>
<p>How often have you fired off a text message or email that momentarily alleviates your anger at a person or situation, only to regret it later?</p>
<p>Often enough that there is now a recall app that allows you to "share what you want with who you want and take it back, if you want."</p>
<p>Easy as venting (and now retracting) is, it is bad for us.</p>
<p>"Just because something makes you feel better doesn't mean it's healthy," Brad Bushman, a professor of communication and psychology at The Ohio State University in Columbus tells the Wall Street Journal.</p>
<p>Bushman has conducted a number of studies on the subject and concluded that venting often exacerbates the situation.</p>
<p>In one, he had 600 university students write a paper that was purposely put down and criticised by a 'partner', who was actually on the research team.</p>
<p>The students were then divided into three groups.</p>
<p>The first was told to vent by picturing their partner while hitting a punching bag, the second was told to think of becoming physically fitter while hitting the bag and the third group did nothing.</p>
<p>Afterwards, it was found that the venting group felt the most hostility and irritation while the group that did nothing felt the least.</p>
<p>Sitting on it, without suppressing it, is an idea embraced in eastern philosophy.</p>
<p>"We cannot overcome anger and hatred simply by suppressing them. We need to actively cultivate the antidotes to hatred: patience and tolerance," the Dalai Lama has said.</p>
<p>"I believe that generally speaking, anger and hatred are the type of emotions which, if you leave them unchecked or unattended, tend to aggravate and keep on increasing. If you simply get more and more used to letting them happen and just keep expressing them, this usually results in their growth, not their reduction."</p>
<p>Buddhist teacher, Pema Chodron agrees.</p>
<p>"It hurts so much to feel the aggression that we want it to be resolved," she has said of her own experience with anger.</p>
<p>"So what do we usually do? We do exactly what is going to escalate the aggression and the suffering. We strike out; we hit back...</p>
<p>"Patience has a lot to do with getting smart at that point and just waiting: not speaking or doing anything.</p>
<p>"On the other hand, it also means being completely and totally honest with yourself about the fact that you're furious. You're not suppressing anything—patience has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself.</p>
<p>"If you wait and don't feed your discursive thought, you can be honest about the fact that you're angry. But at the same time you can continue to let go of the internal dialogue. In that dialogue you are blaming and criticising, and then probably feeling guilty and beating yourself up for doing that.</p>
<p>"It's torturous, because you feel bad about being so angry at the same time that you really are extremely angry, and you can't drop it. It's painful to experience such awful confusion. Still, you just wait and remain patient with your confusion and the pain that comes with it."</p>
<p>Tim Sharp says the approach also has roots in western psychology.</p>
<p>"I'd probably use slightly different language but essentially, it's largely consistent with contemporary approaches like mindfulness-based cognitive therapy and/or acceptance commitment therapy," Sharp explains.</p>
<p>"That is, I talk to clients where and when appropriate about (1) the fact that the so called 'negative emotions', including anger, are normal and appropriate at times, (2) fighting or denying such experiences rarely, if ever, proves useful and that (3) accepting and observing them, without judgement, can be very helpful.</p>
<p>"A metaphor that's often used in this context is 'surfing'; if you surf the waves of negative emotions like anger they'll rise … but then fall. So in some ways this is like the author's reference to patience, or 'riding it out'.</p>
<p>Cognitive therapy "to shift what are often unrealistic and unhelpful assumptions (e.g. It should or shouldn't be like this! It's not fair!)", also helps, Sharp says.</p>
<p>Sharp says that these approaches, combined with relaxation techniques, are the most effective for treating unruly anger. Anger that only ends up biting us back in the long run if left untamed.</p>
<p><em>Written by Sarah Berry. Appeared on <a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Stuff.co.nz.</span></strong></a></em></p>
<p><strong>Related links:</strong></p>
<p><em><strong><a href="/health/mind/2015/12/positive-thinking-and-mental-health/"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Can positive thinking improve your mental health?</span></a></strong></em></p>
<p><a href="/health/mind/2015/11/expert-tips-to-stress-less/"><em><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">5 expert-approved ways to stress less</span></strong></em></a></p>
<p><a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/lifestyle/relationships/2016/01/bad-habits-that-ruin-relationships/"><em><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">4 bad habits that will destroy your relationship</span></strong></em></a></p>
