"Happy wives, happy social lives?" Men are more emotionally disconnected than women – what can be done about it?
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/roger-patulny-94836">Roger Patulny</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/hong-kong-baptist-university-2801">Hong Kong Baptist University</a></em></p>
<p>Many of us are worried about loneliness and isolation, and both <a href="https://theconversation.com/dont-be-fooled-loneliness-affects-men-too-15545">decade-old</a> and <a href="https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/how-many-australians-are-lonely/">recent data</a> suggest they impact men more than women.</p>
<p>Loneliness predicts health outcomes including <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1745691614568352">early mortality</a>, greater <a href="https://hqlo.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12955-022-01946-6">psychological distress</a>, and more <a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41572-022-00355-9">cardiovascular, metabolic and neurological problems</a>.</p>
<p>New research also links loneliness to <a href="https://bmcpublichealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12889-024-18770-w">more intolerant attitudes towards women</a>.</p>
<p>These findings raise concerns over the causes and impacts of men’s loneliness and isolation.</p>
<h2>A deep dive into loneliness</h2>
<p>I recently analysed more than 50 indicators from a decade of data collected by the <a href="https://www.acspri.org.au/aussa">Australian Social Attitudes Survey</a>, from 2011–12, 2015–16, 2017–18, and 2022–23.</p>
<p>My statistical models produced results for (self-identified) men and women, after controlling for the impacts of age, employment and partner status.</p>
<p>I confirmed that Australian men are more likely to be socially and emotionally disconnected than women. I also found some reasons why this might be the case.</p>
<p>I found men appear to focus their emotional energies primarily on their nuclear families and partners. Consequently, they over-rely on their female partners for intimate support and develop more distant, limited and transactional relationships with other people – and other men.</p>
<h2>Men are more emotionally disconnected</h2>
<p>The data show men continue to lack emotional support on a range of indicators. This puts them at greater risk of health impacts and potentially encourages more toxic attitudes towards women.</p>
<p>A significantly greater proportion of men than women reported:</p>
<ul>
<li>receiving no support from their closest friend</li>
<li>receiving fun/practical advice over emotional support from close friends</li>
<li>having less contact with a close friend</li>
<li>not having anyone for emotional support</li>
<li>not feeling “very close” to their closest friend</li>
<li>not feeling “love” as their most commonly experienced emotion in the last week.</li>
</ul>
<h2>Men have more distant, transactional relationships</h2>
<p>Why are men in this situation?</p>
<p>Masculinity roles are clearly influential.</p>
<p>Traditional masculinity encourages men to appear capable, controlled and independent, avoid displays of “vulnerable” emotions or male-to-male affection (like hugging, touch or crying), and embrace the hetero-normative ideal of male provision and leadership.</p>
<p>Such norms have been found to constrain male intimacy <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37531906/">by disallowing vulnerability</a>.</p>
<p>My data show men tend to develop looser, transactional ties with more distant people. This may reduce the quality of the connection and its potential to reduce loneliness.</p>
<p>I have found men are more likely than women to:</p>
<ul>
<li>think it is OK to befriend someone just because they’ll make a “useful” contact</li>
<li>feel obligated to repay favours immediately (foregoing longer-term connections)</li>
<li>be kind to others because they “value doing the right thing”, rather than because they empathically connect with or care about the person</li>
<li>give and receive kindness from strangers (rather than more familiar people)</li>
<li>seek help with household jobs from more distant family or friends</li>
<li>seek practical support (money, advice) from private and commercial sources (rather than friends or family)</li>
<li>not seek help from family or friends for emotional, sickness or care issues.</li>
</ul>
<p>This means many men retain an individualist masculine desire to remain emotionally aloof.</p>
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<h2>Appearing in control but becoming dependent?</h2>
<p>So where <em>do</em> men turn for intimate, emotional connection?</p>
<p>Most often, their families.</p>
<p>Prior studies show partnered men are <a href="https://bmcpublichealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12889-024-18770-w">less lonely than single men</a>. My data show men revere the nuclear family institution and the core supportive role of women and female partners.</p>
<p>Men are more likely than women to:</p>
<ul>
<li>believe having children increases their social standing</li>
<li>believe family is more important than friends</li>
<li>rely on family over friends for support</li>
<li>have mixed-gender friendships (in contrast to womens’ predominately female friendships)</li>
<li>see their (predominantly female) partner as their closest friend</li>
<li>emotionally support their (predominantly female) partner ahead of supporting others.</li>
</ul>
<p>However, the masculine desire to be a “good nuclear family man” <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37531906/">can both support and impede</a> men’s social connection.</p>
<p>Partnered men might feel less lonely but that doesn’t mean they give or gain sufficient emotional support from their nuclear families.</p>
<p>My data show men are less likely than women to:</p>
<ul>
<li>plan or organise social and family activities</li>
<li>have at least weekly contact with non-nuclear family or friends</li>
<li>emotionally support their friends, family or children ahead of their partners</li>
<li>have their partner support them ahead of others (women were more likely to support their children first).</li>
</ul>
<p>This raises several issues.</p>
<p>If men cling to the notion that their primary role is to provide for and support their (female) partner – while she in turn emotionally supports everyone else – they risk becoming personally isolated through diminished networks and outmoded expectations.</p>
<p>In this context, men who believe they should earn more than their partners <a href="https://theconversation.com/loneliness-in-the-workplace-is-greatest-among-men-with-traditional-views-about-being-the-breadwinner-230535">are lonelier</a> than other men.</p>
<p>It also risks pushing the burden of maintaining social and emotional connections onto <a href="https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a27259689/toxic-masculinity-male-friendships-emotional-labor-men-rely-on-women/">women and partners</a>, and men becoming socially and emotionally dependent on them.</p>
<p>And it can “bake in” hetero-normative family-to-family interactions (organised by female partners) as the most “legitimate” form of socialising for men.</p>
<p>This can be highly exclusionary for LGBTQIA+ people, along with single men and single fathers, who register among <a href="https://www.relationships.org.au/relationship-indicators/">the highest rates of loneliness in Australia</a>.</p>
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<h2>How can men become more emotionally connected?</h2>
<p>Feelings shouldn’t be seen as just a <a href="https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a27259689/toxic-masculinity-male-friendships-emotional-labor-men-rely-on-women/">“female thing”</a>.</p>
<p>Younger men’s more inclusive masculine attitudes can allow them to <a href="https://theconversation.com/he-is-always-there-to-listen-friendships-between-young-men-are-more-than-just-beers-and-banter-200301">subvert the “rules” of masculinity</a>, express emotion and embrace <a href="https://theconversation.com/he-is-always-there-to-listen-friendships-between-young-men-are-more-than-just-beers-and-banter-200301">“bromances”</a>.</p>
<p>Men can also connect emotionally with other men through <a href="https://theconversation.com/he-is-always-there-to-listen-friendships-between-young-men-are-more-than-just-beers-and-banter-200301">jokes and humour</a> and participating in shared activities <a href="https://theconversation.com/lost-touch-with-friends-during-lockdown-heres-how-to-reconnect-and-let-go-of-toxic-ones-172853">that allow incidental communication</a>, like Men’s Sheds.</p>
<p>The following initiatives may well help men broaden their intimate networks beyond the nuclear family. We could:<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/239194/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /></p>
<ul>
<li>help men into caring roles through more <a href="https://theconversation.com/loneliness-in-the-workplace-is-greatest-among-men-with-traditional-views-about-being-the-breadwinner-230535">family friendly employment and care-leave policies</a></li>
<li>support initiatives such as <a href="https://meninmind.movember.com/">Movember Men in Mind</a> that encourage men to seek help, and improve their emotional expression and support skills</li>
<li>encourage partnered, heterosexual men to broaden and diversify their intimate networks beyond the nuclear family bubble, and be more inclusive of single men, single fathers, and LGBTQIA+ people. <a href="https://thephn.com.au/news/the-mens-table-successful-mental-health-initiative-expanding-across-seven-new-regions">Men’s Table initiatives</a> could be of great value here</li>
<li>encourage the development of more online <a href="https://theconversation.com/he-is-always-there-to-listen-friendships-between-young-men-are-more-than-just-beers-and-banter-200301">safe spaces</a> to form intimate bonds while avoiding toxic online masculine spaces.</li>
</ul>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/roger-patulny-94836">Roger Patulny</a>, Professor, Academy of Geography, Sociology and International Studies, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/hong-kong-baptist-university-2801">Hong Kong Baptist University</a></em></p>
<p><em>Image credits: Shutterstock </em></p>
<p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/happy-wives-happy-social-lives-men-are-more-emotionally-disconnected-than-women-what-can-be-done-about-it-239194">original article</a>.</em></p>
